Emotional/Psychological Abuse

Thank you for your explanation. I think marrying young & sharing life's experiences with a partner I truly love even though we were 20 & 17 at the time & only 3 months into getting to know each other.

I took that ACE test & scored a 1 I think that must be the basis for me not understanding or relating to mental abuse.

Thanks again. I hope others like me have a better understanding of how mental is as harmful if not more so than physical abuse. I say that because mental isn't visible but physical is.
You’re so right. When I began to grasp what was happening I wished that he would actually physically abuse me because at least then I’d have bruises and broken bones as actual evidence of the abuse. To say I was being abused , when all others saw was this charming and jovial man, was a huge disconnect for them.

Of course when I finally decided to leave is when the physical abuse started, and the threats, to me and to my kids if they left with me. I could deal with the physical threats. The threats to separate me from my children were the most difficult to bear.
 

Narcissists are horrible people to be around. They can do a lot of damage in very little time.
I have another impression of narcissists besides being harmful. I think they're only as harmful as they're allowed to be.

They seem very weak and quite easily shattered by forcefully voiced criticism. Of all the aberrations, narcissism seems to be the most easily dealt with, or the most fragile. JMO
 
I have another impression of narcissists besides being harmful. I think they're only as harmful as they're allowed to be.

They seem very weak and quite easily shattered by forcefully voiced criticism. Of all the aberrations, narcissism seems to be the most easily dealt with, or the most fragile. JMO
You're absolutely right. I am more intelligent and better educated than my husband. I think a lot of his bullying was caused by his feelings of inferiority. Not making excuses of course. I was able to fight back with words, logic and sheer superiority, but it added to the stress.
It's no wonder I have a problem with my nerves.
 
I have another impression of narcissists besides being harmful. I think they're only as harmful as they're allowed to be.

They seem very weak and quite easily shattered by forcefully voiced criticism. Of all the aberrations, narcissism seems to be the most easily dealt with, or the most fragile. JMO

I can easily recognize a narcissist now, and I act accordingly. But marrying one, not knowing anything about narcissism other than as a reference to Greek mythology, and adding the systematic domination, control, abuse etc., to the mix, and I was clueless and really a perfect target for him.
 
I can easily recognize a narcissist now, and I act accordingly. But marrying one, not knowing anything about narcissism other than as a reference to Greek mythology, and adding the systematic domination, control, abuse etc., to the mix, and I was clueless and really a perfect target for him.
Sure, your ex had other, worse mental problems besides narcissism Ronni, or you'd have made cornmeal outta him!
 
Narcissism, like other apex Personality Disorders, resides on a sliding scale of severity. At its most toxic, a truly malignant narcissist leaves an escalating path of destruction in their wake, often culminating in physical violence, and, on occasion, murder. Seventy five percent are men, add positions of power and influence, cushioned by wealth, these “monsters”, highly intelligent, and charismatic, are very scary people.
 
Sometimes the abuser is nothing but a bully and has become dependent on those who tolerate their outburst. But as noted tolerate too much it amounts to enabling. I don't what these people went through in the past they're in the future and abusees didn't cause it but now were back to being bullies.I've seen it in the workplace as well bosses with hair triggers, insults and aggressive attitudes towards many.

The creepiest and scariest part is what many here have noted and that is they are charming and can fool others not targets of their rage. Social paths and many a serial killer or conman have those traits/abilities as well-fool others. That also tells me they know they should watch their behavior so they do know or realize what they are doing.

Here the alkie family has hit the end of his rope with longtime and/or childhood friends. They see through him. They moved on. Other friends matured and gave up the party life for career, marriage, house,mortgage etc he has not. They know the real deal, they might not admit it but especially with couples the spouses if not friends see right through conman, addict, alkie etc. His peer group has changed alot over the decade especially. His best friend is half his age and not wise enough to see through him YET but is still past and still passing them maturity wise. As a 50 plus year old he frequently sounds like a teenager trying to act like an adult especially when trying to explain away his unemployment issues(presents as a businessman which is crock because a bankruptcy and failed business). Potential employers apparently see right through him because more than once he bragged he had a job all but wrapped up in a bow.
Alcoholics stop maturing once the booze takes over. He is locked in whatever stage of development he reached before that occurred.
 
You’re so right. When I began to grasp what was happening I wished that he would actually physically abuse me because at least then I’d have bruises and broken bones as actual evidence of the abuse. To say I was being abused , when all others saw was this charming and jovial man, was a huge disconnect for them.

Of course when I finally decided to leave is when the physical abuse started, and the threats, to me and to my kids if they left with me. I could deal with the physical threats. The threats to separate me from my children were the most difficult to bear.
What? You are so wrong, wrong wrong, and as a physically abused person (by my first husband) I find your comments horrific and questionable.

You wanted broken bones, black eyes, a bleeding mouth, and bruises to PROVE you were abused but left when he threatened abuse? Since you wanted broken bones and bruises why didn’t you stay? Oh, let me guess, cause you really did not want broken bones and bruises. I’d say more, but forum rules prevent me from doing so.
 
Alcoholics stop maturing once the booze takes over. He is locked in whatever stage of development he reached before that occurred.
Yeap, that's what's going on here and elsewhere. A mature person wouldn't be so volatile. I've seen it in the work place so not only do you have an "adult" going on a tirade, screaming etc you have a person in a position of authority doing it which leads younger employees the wrong way not knowing any better.

It is troubling and creepy the way many of these individuals are able to purposely fool others. Some of these types are serial killer/grifter charming.
 
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It is troubling and creepy the way many of these individuals are able to purposely fool others. Some of these types are serial killer/grifter charming.
It might be more common in human society than we currently know or think. That it's ordinary, that it's very hard to know the intimate thought lives of others. We assume, based on ourselves.
 
What? You are so wrong, wrong wrong, and as a physically abused person (by my first husband) I find your comments horrific and questionable.

You wanted broken bones, black eyes, a bleeding mouth, and bruises to PROVE you were abused but left when he threatened abuse? Since you wanted broken bones and bruises why didn’t you stay? Oh, let me guess, cause you really did not want broken bones and bruises. I’d say more, but forum rules prevent me from doing so.

Are you not reading what I'm saying? I WAS physically abused. Minus the broken bones, I experienced everything you're saying here. It was awful.

The POINT I was trying to make, and obviously failed at dismally, is that there is a depth of wretchedness in having been mentally abused for all those years, yet you're disbelieved, ridiculed, questioned, doubted about the abuse because "he's such a lovely man" or "you're so lucky to have found him" or "you're overreacting" or "you're making a mountain out of a molehill" or "you're just being hypersensitive" or any of the other dreck that came my way, because they couldn't SEE any problem.

Emotional/mental abuse wasn't recognized 30 years ago the way it is now. Because I couldn't show bruises or bleeding, the domestic abuse was ignored. Bleeding isn't ignored. Bruises or black eyes aren't. But my pleas were, because they were dismissed as just "he's being mean to me. Get over it."
 
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Ronni, while I can’t speak for Aneeda, I believe she misunderstood your point. We often don’t recognize abuse until the fists come out and oddly enough the most abusive just happen to be completely charming, making the abused look like either liars or drama queens.

Probably the most dangerous time in any abusive relationship is when you actually acknowledge the abuse and make an effort to leave.

While broken bones are painful, they eventually heal. Psychological scars can last a lifetime.
Babies who are never hugged or emotionally loved , never truly recover.

What you write about makes perfect sense.
I think these types of topics are highly charged for all who have been seriously abused including yourself.
 
Are you not reading what I'm saying? I WAS physically abused. Minus the broken bones, I experienced everything you're saying here. It was awful.

The POINT I was trying to make, and obviously failed at dismally, is that there is a depth of wretchedness in having been mentally abused for all those years, yet you're disbelieved, ridiculed, questioned, doubted about the abuse because "he's such a lovely man" or "you're so lucky to have found him" or "you're overreacting" or "you're making a mountain out of a molehill" or "you're just being hypersensitive" or any of the other dreck that came my way, because they couldn't SEE any problem.

Emotional/mental abuse wasn't recognized 30 years ago the way it is now. Because I couldn't show bruises or bleeding, the domestic abuse was ignored. Bleeding isn't ignored. Bruises or black eyes aren't. But my pleas were, because they were dismissed as "he's being mean to me."
Oh, I read what you said. (Hmm, that rhymes). In any event, why did you need validation of abuse from someone else? If you could leave, why didn't you?

And, again, you are wrong. Bleeding is ignored, bruises are ignored or explained away, even broken bones are ignored or explained away. Certainly mental and emotional situations are ignored. This was true over 70 years ago and it is true now.

I went to school with bleeding welts on back. My mother left the house with my brother in tow and went to a neighbors house after my father threatened her with a shotgun. She left me, her unwanted child behind. My dad left as well, again, leaving me, the unwanted child, behind.

Apparently, I was worth less than the cost of a shotgun bullet, or a walk across the street to safety, or a ride in a car. You have no ideal what emotionally abuse I have under gone my entire life. I had gone to sleep with the sounds of their fight, as usual.

I woke up to someone knocking on the door of an empty house. It was the police. Where are your mom and dad? I checked-not here. I didn’t know. I was alone. I was, maybe, 8. They had always threatened to move and leave me behind. I thought they had. And now I would be arrested.

During my first marriage, neighbors often called the police, often. He was never arrested and only once was he told to leave the house. In my current marriage, my husband was told that unless he started hitting me the insurance would not pay for his mental health treatments despite testing that showed I am in moderate danger from him.

We need agree to disagree on your ability to understand abuse. Just my opinion.
 
It might be more common in human society than we currently know or think. That it's ordinary, that it's very hard to know the intimate thought lives of others. We assume, based on ourselves.
Everybody puts on act to a point but abusers or alkies/addicts take acting to new levels. But that's the thing is one minute they can control themselves and/or got out of their way to behave different and then the next they can go off with more speed and bang than a rocket.

This is why I don't buy a mental case when it comes to this behavior or crime. They do have some kind of control and/or are cognizant of potential consequences/who they are in front of. This makes them even more evil.
 
Oh, I read what you said. (Hmm, that rhymes). In any event, why did you need validation of abuse from someone else? If you could leave, why didn't you?

And, again, you are wrong. Bleeding is ignored, bruises are ignored or explained away, even broken bones are ignored or explained away. Certainly mental and emotional situations are ignored. This was true over 70 years ago and it is true now.

I went to school with bleeding welts on back. My mother left the house with my brother in tow and went to a neighbors house after my father threatened her with a shotgun. She left me, her unwanted child behind. My dad left as well, again, leaving me, the unwanted child, behind.

Apparently, I was worth less than the cost of a shotgun bullet, or a walk across the street to safety, or a ride in a car. You have no ideal what emotionally abuse I have under gone my entire life. I had gone to sleep with the sounds of their fight, as usual.

I woke up to someone knocking on the door of an empty house. It was the police. Where are your mom and dad? I checked-not here. I didn’t know. I was alone. I was, maybe, 8. They had always threatened to move and leave me behind. I thought they had. And now I would be arrested.

During my first marriage, neighbors often called the police, often. He was never arrested and only once was he told to leave the house. In my current marriage, my husband was told that unless he started hitting me the insurance would not pay for his mental health treatments despite testing that showed I am in moderate danger from him.

We need agree to disagree on your ability to understand abuse. Just my opinion.
I am so, so sorry you dealt with that. I was not abused as a child, I had a wonderful family who cared for me and loved me. So no, I don't know what it's like to be abused as a child and to have that kind of upbringing.

I DO know what abuse feels like as an adult, both mental/emotional, and physical. I ALSO know how it feels to see your children abused and feel helpless to do anything about it, but trying anyway.

I didn't experience the abuse the way you did, the same way you did. I experienced my own abuse, from my abuser, for a long time. It was systematic, and calculated, and eventually escalated to physical abuse when it became clear to him that I was going to leave him, and and taking the children with me.

I don't understand abuse the way you do, becuase I haven't experienced it the way you did. But that doesn't minimize in any way the abuse *I* suffered, the same way that it doesn't minimize in any way the abuse YOU suffered. Abuse comes in all forms, in all shapes and sizes.

This isn't a competition @Aneeda72. ❤️ I have no desire or any intention to one-up you. This isn't what my post is about. I hope to continue a dialogue with everyone who has any interest in the subject, whether or not they personally have suffered abuse, mental or physical. That's all this is about, to create a greater understanding of the abuse dynamic. Your input and experiences are tremendously valuable, and I hope you continue to post.

I have been scarred by the abuse in my past, and Ron continues to experience that...I trigger and have episodes of PTSD that unfortunately he gets to deal with. I have to assume you have similar moments, and all I can say to that is that's f****** awful and I am so very sorry.
 
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Everybody puts on act to a point but abusers or alkies/addicts take acting to new levels. But that's the thing is one minute they can control themselves and/or got out of their way to behave different and then the next they can go off with more speed and bang than a rocket.

This is why I don't buy a mental case when it comes to this behavior or crime. They do have some kind of control and/or are cognizant of potential consequences/who they are in front of. This makes them even more evil.
They are calculating, yes. My ex was. They are in control of their behavior. They can turn on, or off, at will. It's horridly amazing to watch them at work. I called the police on my ex, more than once. He was so charming, so effing BELIEVABLE! My claims were discounted. :mad:
 
Narcissism, like other apex Personality Disorders, resides on a sliding scale of severity. At its most toxic, a truly malignant narcissist leaves an escalating path of destruction in their wake, often culminating in physical violence, and, on occasion, murder. Seventy five percent are men, add positions of power and influence, cushioned by wealth, these “monsters”, highly intelligent, and charismatic, are very scary people.
i worked with one of those for years off and on. it wasn't till this last round that i got to see a side of him that not only terrified me but emotionally he messed me up pretty good. i think if i had continued to work for him he would've become violent.
 
My Ace score is 2

I grew up in a normal family.
But married a malignant narcissist. I see all my stories in this thread. I left twice but could not handle the stalking.
A closet smoker, I had become. I wish for all of us to be well. Mentally, emotionally and physically. ❤️❤️❤️
 
My Ace score is 2

I grew up in a normal family.
But married a malignant narcissist. I see all my stories in this thread. I left twice but could not handle the stalking.
A closet smoker, I had become. I wish for all of us to be well. Mentally, emotionally and physically. ❤️❤️❤️
Now, trying to quit smoking (again)😅
 


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