Emotional/Psychological Abuse

WhatInThe said:
To me emotional abuse is nothing but a cold war. Most, not all are smart enough not to engage physically although sometimes I wish they would because I could end their behavior quickly and decisively. But that's what makes it more dangerous or damaging especially if the abuser is constantly testing their limits. Best not to engage, debate or negotiate.

But that means you have to let them go off on yet another tirade. Many say try to avoid lawyers when it comes to family or marriage but in effect I guess that's turning a cold war hot.

Right now dealing with a lifetime adult alkie plus and estate in which the parent left no will. Just having a different strategy or not showing enthusiam but still ok with their ideas sets them off into lecture & tirade mode. Even 'calm' conversations are contentious because they're testing to see what I'm going to do. They complained the parent didn't leave enough money before the funeral and was ticked I would not fund hgtv renovations for house sale among other things. In our case which actually would be cleaner a legal resolution is the only thing that will close the estate and cut ties. But that's a hot war.
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I am so sorry you are in the middle of this horribly toxic situation, but I commend your handling of it. Realistically, refusing to engage with their abuse buys limited relief, but the alternative is having one’s life turned upside down. Takes a strong person with a cool head on their shoulders to cope with this craziness. I salute you. Please keep us informed re the status of the Cold War.
 
Rosemarie said:
Who are you aiming this thread at? Those who have been victims of abuse or those who try to minimise it?
As a victim myself, I would add something else. Victims have a lot of anger inside them.....anger at the treatment they have received.....anger at the way they had no choice but to put up with it...anger at the justice system which does not take into account the years of mis-treatment a woman has put up with before she finally snaps and commits murder.
That anger needs an outlet.....I'm just waiting for some low life to give me an opportunity to let loose all my pent-up fury!
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I so agree.
 

Rosemarie said:
I was in a womens refuge for a while after I finally left my husband. In my initial interview, I was asked,'Why did you marry him?' I replied 'To get away from my parents'. The woman responded 'I wish I had a pound for every time I've heard that'. That surprised me but it may indicate that many of the victims have actually been abused since childhood and have almost become accustomed to it.
Looking back, I think my husband was testing the boundaries, to see what he could get away with. If only I had realised that and declared, 'I'm not putting up with this!'
I didn't realise just how big a problem domestic abuse is until I was in the refuge. It was always full.
Why are so many men abusive towards their partners?
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That’s what my therapist said, that you become accustomed to being treated a certain way, abused, and end up choosing the same personality type again and again. Not only in marriage but in friendships and, to a certain extent, you teach your children to take advantage.

There is a lot to be said for the old saying “you made your bed, now you have to lie on it.” 😧
 
I think we still need to address the question of why so many men are abusive. I know that alcohol plays a part. Alcohol makes many men lose control and become violent. They tend to lash out at the nearest person and that is so often their partners.
Emotional abuse is different. It is usually cold and deliberate.
I know we wanted to keep this non-personal but it's difficult to discuss it without mentioning our own experiences. In my husbands case, I'm sure it was about control. He felt power from causing upset. Sounds so pathetic now!
 
Aneeda72 said:
That’s what my therapist said, that you become accustomed to being treated a certain way, abused, and end up choosing the same personality type again and again. Not only in marriage but in friendships and, to a certain extent, you teach your children to take advantage.

There is a lot to be said for the old saying “you made your bed, now you have to lie on it.” 😧
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My mother was emotionally abusive. It's only now that I'm older that I can see the similarities in their personalities.
 
Rosemarie said:
I think we still need to address the question of why so many men are abusive. I know that alcohol plays a part. Alcohol makes many men lose control and become violent. They tend to lash out at the nearest person and that is so often their partners.
Emotional abuse is different. It is usually cold and deliberate.
I know we wanted to keep this non-personal but it's difficult to discuss it without mentioning our own experiences. In my husbands case, I'm sure it was about control. He felt power from causing upset. Sounds so pathetic now!
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My father didn't even have the excuse of alcohol.. or drugs.. he was just a nasty evil person...
 
Looking back, the emotional abuse left me with the most profound damage. Gaslighting, scapegoating, etc, cause a vulnerable person to doubt their own reality/sanity, and foster an often permanent disconnect from one‘s own centre of being. How many of us, decades later, still feel separated from our own bodies/minds? How do we truly belong anywhere when we are strangers in our own skin?😔
 
I don't believe we understand how psychologically fragile we are. As an example, I don't believe men can be sent off to war, and then asked to lead a "normal" life, when they come home. Emotional trauma, no matter where it comes from is devastating. You can see the unrelenting confusion, anger, anxiety , and fear in the above posts. It leads to avoiding others, not trusting anyone, and hyper-vigilantism. When we all crave love and acceptance, why is there so much cruelty in our lives.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
I don't believe we understand how psychologically fragile we are. As an example, I don't believe men can be sent off to war, and then asked to lead a "normal" life, when they come home. Emotional trauma, no matter where it comes from is devastating. You can see the unrelenting confusion, anger, anxiety , and fear in the above posts. It leads to avoiding others, not trusting anyone, and hyper-vigilantism. When we all crave love and acceptance, why is there so much cruelty in our lives.
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QFT
 
Sadly, IMHO, not everyone wants love and acceptance. For a variety of reasons, pathological in nature, some people seek to control, manipulate, and emotionally damage others. Devastating results can occur, particularly in children. Are the majority of such people suffering from mental disorders? Probably. Are some of them purely evil? Definitely. Professional or not, I have to dig deep to find any compassion for such individuals. The majority of them prove resistant to treatment and repeat their behaviour until the end of life.
 
It's kind of comforting,even after all these years, that others have gone through the same sbuse as me and my children.
Back then, we had no "shelters" to protect us. (first marriage)
No, It doesn't have to stay with you forever. It takes a long, long time to lift yourself up and be "you" again, but I have forgiven him
and have no association with him. To keep remembering this pain is to keep myself as a victim. I've given my children the tools mentally and emotionally to let it all go. He is in their life only perspectively and superficially.
 
Congratulations on your ability to transcend your experience. I applaud you, but sadly not everyone is able to do so, most carry the scars forever. The human psyche can only sustain so much damage and return to normal. Severe and prolonged abuse, particularly childhood onset,

leaves an indelible stain on the hearts and minds/souls of those who fought for their safety and sanity in the emotional boneyards of childhood and beyond. For many of them, forgetting is not possible, but they strive to break those bonds that would render them victims once again. Such are the strong,

the stubborn, the brave, the resilient, determined to survive regardless of wounds, never surrendering humanity and becoming that what almost destroyed them. In some ways broken, but

unbowed, and reaching out to comfort brothers and sisters in a club no one wants to join. How inspiring is that? These abuse threads posted recently, have inspired me greatly. Such honesty, love and compassion shared in the time of plague. People, I love you, honour you, you are the embodiment of the triumph of the human spirit. 🥰
 
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Sometimes the abuser is nothing but a bully and has become dependent on those who tolerate their outburst. But as noted tolerate too much it amounts to enabling. I don't what these people went through in the past they're in the future and abusees didn't cause it but now were back to being bullies.I've seen it in the workplace as well bosses with hair triggers, insults and aggressive attitudes towards many.

The creepiest and scariest part is what many here have noted and that is they are charming and can fool others not targets of their rage. Social paths and many a serial killer or conman have those traits/abilities as well-fool others. That also tells me they know they should watch their behavior so they do know or realize what they are doing.

Here the alkie family has hit the end of his rope with longtime and/or childhood friends. They see through him. They moved on. Other friends matured and gave up the party life for career, marriage, house,mortgage etc he has not. They know the real deal, they might not admit it but especially with couples the spouses if not friends see right through conman, addict, alkie etc. His peer group has changed alot over the decade especially. His best friend is half his age and not wise enough to see through him YET but is still past and still passing them maturity wise. As a 50 plus year old he frequently sounds like a teenager trying to act like an adult especially when trying to explain away his unemployment issues(presents as a businessman which is crock because a bankruptcy and failed business). Potential employers apparently see right through him because more than once he bragged he had a job all but wrapped up in a bow.
 
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Knight said:
A worthwhile thread for people like me that were never exposed to or saw that as the life some have. Never to old to learn!

I have questions about this from your post Ronni

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"But hindsight, aided by a wealth of education and therapy and group counseling/support, I realize that I’d been being groomed and conditioned since before we were married, to accept his behavior as normal and my reactions as over-reaction, hyper sensitivity or just outright delusion."

When did you realize you were being groomed and conditioned?
What resources did you look for to get away?
Were there resources where you lived?
What made you realize the life you were leading wasn't right?
What do you think your reaction would be if your ex moved into your neighborhood?
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@Knight thanks for your thoughtful questions. My answers won't be brief. Abuse is a complex and multi layered subject and there is just no way to shorthand the answers without doing a disservice to your interest. Please don't hesitate to ask if there's more you want to know.

When did I realize I was being groomed and conditioned? I was married to the man for 30 years. It wasn't till the very end of our marriage that I began to realize how early on in our relationship I'd been being conditioned. But because of my own naïveté and lack of romantic experience, I had no clue all that time, and it wasn't till I escaped the relationship, and immersed myself in a thorough education about abuse that fully connected with his machinations and how soon it began.

What resources did you look for to get away? I didn't, other than staying closely connected with an online support group for abused women. I was terrified because I felt very much alone, but I had been so conditioned to NEVER involve the police in our issues, to NEVER seek counseling, to NEVER betray my husband, that even though I was leaving I was still largely operating under those strictures.

Were there resources where you lived? Not as far as I know, but again, I was so terrified of involving any other entity that I didn't really look for them, not until way after I had escaped the relationship.

What made you realize the life you were leading wasn't right? That's actually a pretty funny story. I was 20 years in to the relationship, still believing that I wasn't doing right, that the things that were wrong with the relationship were my fault, that I needed to try harder, do more, be better etc. I went online looking for marital advice, and in the course of that search stumbled upon an online support group for abused women. I didn't KNOW that it was for abused women, I was barely computer literate back then and didn't really have a clue what I was doing, how to search, etc. But I happened upon this site, which at first glance seemed to be an "advice to the lovelorn" type forum. I didn't register on the site, just lurked and read, and was initially gratified to realize that other women besides me seemed to be searching too. It took quite a bit for it to begin sinking in that hey, this wasn't a site for how to make one's marriage work better, this was a site for abused women. Wait, what???? Me? Abused? How could that be, he didn't hit me or rough me up (not up to that point anyway, that came later) so how could he be abusive? I was confused, and felt like I was betraying my husband to even BE there, but nonetheless was drawn back again and again. Over time (I'm guessing 6 months or so) I began to realize that other women were experiencing what I was experiencing, and it wasn't that we were BAD at marriage, or relationships. It was a pivotal moment in my life.

You have to understand, I had been so thoroughly conditioned to believe so little of myself that I spent many years believing that I was all the things that I had been told I was, things that made me feel inadequate, ugly in body and spirit, semi-literate, ignorant, sub human and I was lucky indeed that he was willing to teach me to do right. I lived with the abuse, the control, domination and intimidation for 30+ years. I became suicidal, believing that I was of no use to anyone, a lost cause. I thank the Gods that I never acted on that. If I hadn't stumbled upon that abuse forum, I honestly don't know where I would be right now, if I'd even still be alive.

The most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life was to leave my husband. By the time I was 21 I'd traveled to and across three continents, working my way around, completely alone, fearless in my pursuit to travel and see the world and to live life to the fullest. I was no shrinking violet! And I believe that because I wasn't, I presented a unique challenge to the man who eventually became my husband.

What do you think your reaction would be if your ex moved into your neighborhood? Indifference. He has no power over me anymore. By the time I realized I had to leave him, at that moment I transitioned from Victim to Survivor. And I've been a survivor ever since. He can't hurt me anymore, emotionally or otherwise. The wounds he inflicted on me were open and seeping for a long time. Education in the subject of abuse and Personality Types, some counseling, a lot of group therapy, and immersing myself in activities that increased my self-esteem and confidence worked wonders for me. I am no longer the person I was when I was with him, and the person I am now is armed to the teeth with the tools I need to combat whatever he might attempt to throw at me.

He's a Cluster B Personality. Heavy on the Narcissistic, Histrionic, Antisocial. With a bit of Cluster A thrown in there, specifically Schizotypal.

They are so easy for me to spot now. Looking back on my history with man, it's hard to believe sometimes that I was taken in that thoroughly. But rather than being down on myself for that ( I used to be, a LOT) I've come to realize that he was just THAT GOOD at his manipulations.

Since our divorce, he's had a string of women, all of them taken in by him to the point that he has been supported by them financially, just as I did till I left. It's that charm and charisma. It works on the uninitiated.

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Thank you for your explanation. I think marrying young & sharing life's experiences with a partner I truly love even though we were 20 & 17 at the time & only 3 months into getting to know each other.

I took that ACE test & scored a 1 I think that must be the basis for me not understanding or relating to mental abuse.

Thanks again. I hope others like me have a better understanding of how mental is as harmful if not more so than physical abuse. I say that because mental isn't visible but physical is.
 
I never heard of an ACE test, so I took it out of curiosity. I scored 3.
 


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