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btw my father was also phycally abusive to my mother and older brother, but I didn't get into all that because this thread focuses on emotional and psychological abuse.
I am so sorry you are in the middle of this horribly toxic situation, but I commend your handling of it. Realistically, refusing to engage with their abuse buys limited relief, but the alternative is having one’s life turned upside down. Takes a strong person with a cool head on their shoulders to cope with this craziness. I salute you. Please keep us informed re the status of the Cold War.To me emotional abuse is nothing but a cold war. Most, not all are smart enough not to engage physically although sometimes I wish they would because I could end their behavior quickly and decisively. But that's what makes it more dangerous or damaging especially if the abuser is constantly testing their limits. Best not to engage, debate or negotiate.
But that means you have to let them go off on yet another tirade. Many say try to avoid lawyers when it comes to family or marriage but in effect I guess that's turning a cold war hot.
Right now dealing with a lifetime adult alkie plus and estate in which the parent left no will. Just having a different strategy or not showing enthusiam but still ok with their ideas sets them off into lecture & tirade mode. Even 'calm' conversations are contentious because they're testing to see what I'm going to do. They complained the parent didn't leave enough money before the funeral and was ticked I would not fund hgtv renovations for house sale among other things. In our case which actually would be cleaner a legal resolution is the only thing that will close the estate and cut ties. But that's a hot war.
I so agree.Who are you aiming this thread at? Those who have been victims of abuse or those who try to minimise it?
As a victim myself, I would add something else. Victims have a lot of anger inside them.....anger at the treatment they have received.....anger at the way they had no choice but to put up with it...anger at the justice system which does not take into account the years of mis-treatment a woman has put up with before she finally snaps and commits murder.
That anger needs an outlet.....I'm just waiting for some low life to give me an opportunity to let loose all my pent-up fury!
That’s what my therapist said, that you become accustomed to being treated a certain way, abused, and end up choosing the same personality type again and again. Not only in marriage but in friendships and, to a certain extent, you teach your children to take advantage.I was in a womens refuge for a while after I finally left my husband. In my initial interview, I was asked,'Why did you marry him?' I replied 'To get away from my parents'. The woman responded 'I wish I had a pound for every time I've heard that'. That surprised me but it may indicate that many of the victims have actually been abused since childhood and have almost become accustomed to it.
Looking back, I think my husband was testing the boundaries, to see what he could get away with. If only I had realised that and declared, 'I'm not putting up with this!'
I didn't realise just how big a problem domestic abuse is until I was in the refuge. It was always full.
Why are so many men abusive towards their partners?
What is the ACE?I've just taken the ACE test....
Your ACE score is 10
My mother was emotionally abusive. It's only now that I'm older that I can see the similarities in their personalities.That’s what my therapist said, that you become accustomed to being treated a certain way, abused, and end up choosing the same personality type again and again. Not only in marriage but in friendships and, to a certain extent, you teach your children to take advantage.
There is a lot to be said for the old saying “you made your bed, now you have to lie on it.”
My father didn't even have the excuse of alcohol.. or drugs.. he was just a nasty evil person...I think we still need to address the question of why so many men are abusive. I know that alcohol plays a part. Alcohol makes many men lose control and become violent. They tend to lash out at the nearest person and that is so often their partners.
Emotional abuse is different. It is usually cold and deliberate.
I know we wanted to keep this non-personal but it's difficult to discuss it without mentioning our own experiences. In my husbands case, I'm sure it was about control. He felt power from causing upset. Sounds so pathetic now!
QFTI don't believe we understand how psychologically fragile we are. As an example, I don't believe men can be sent off to war, and then asked to lead a "normal" life, when they come home. Emotional trauma, no matter where it comes from is devastating. You can see the unrelenting confusion, anger, anxiety , and fear in the above posts. It leads to avoiding others, not trusting anyone, and hyper-vigilantism. When we all crave love and acceptance, why is there so much cruelty in our lives.
In my experience, physical abuse creates emotional abuse that stays with you forever.Physical abuse heals and leaves a scar. Emotional abuse stays with you forever and can rear it's ugly head at any time. It's difficult to connect to people when you've been emotionally abused your whole life.
@Knight thanks for your thoughtful questions. My answers won't be brief. Abuse is a complex and multi layered subject and there is just no way to shorthand the answers without doing a disservice to your interest. Please don't hesitate to ask if there's more you want to know.A worthwhile thread for people like me that were never exposed to or saw that as the life some have. Never to old to learn!
I have questions about this from your post Ronni
Quote
"But hindsight, aided by a wealth of education and therapy and group counseling/support, I realize that I’d been being groomed and conditioned since before we were married, to accept his behavior as normal and my reactions as over-reaction, hyper sensitivity or just outright delusion."
When did you realize you were being groomed and conditioned?
What resources did you look for to get away?
Were there resources where you lived?
What made you realize the life you were leading wasn't right?
What do you think your reaction would be if your ex moved into your neighborhood?