Estrangement : Have you ever Gone No contact with a Parent , child or close family member?

hollydolly

hollydolly

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London England
.. for your own or their Sanity.? Did you cut a parent out of your life? or disown a child ?..maybe a sibling..?



There are many reasons why people become estranged from a parent. The main reason is realizing that your mother or father’s dysfunctional behavior is demanding too much of you. Mentally, emotionally and physically, you are no longer willing to pay the price.

You are allowed to unfollow people in real life.” ~ Unknown​

Society harshly judges those who are estranged from their families. On a first date for example, if you tell someone you don’t talk to your family, it is seen as a major red flag. To a certain extent, it is. But things need to be understood in context

You wouldn’t insist that someone stays with an abusive spouse. Why do you insist they stay in contact with an abusive parent? Just because you have a title like “mother,” “father,” “grandparent,” “brother” or “sister” does not automatically give you a pass on abusive behavior. Why are we expected to tolerate abuse from family that we would never accept from anyone else? Honoring thy mother and thy father does not mean staying in an abusive relationship.

No Contact is a self-protective strategy. It is not the same thing as giving the silent treatment.
 

Not quite so close, my father's last wife. Long story, but after he died I wanted nothing to do with her, cut off all communications and ignored all calls and email. Never regrated it, in fact the opposite I feel good about the decision.

I have been lucky, people and decisions like this have been far and few between. There are a few others, acquaintances not relatives who I avoid, but she is the only kind of family I have shut down 100%. Don't expect it to happen again, hope not anyway.
 

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Alligatorob said:
Not quite so close, but my father's last wife. Long story, but after he died I wanted nothing to do with her, cut off all communications and ignored all calls and email. Never regrated it, in fact the opposite I feel good about the decision.

I have been lucky, people and decisions like this have been far and few between. There are a few others, acquaintances not relatives who I avoid, but she is the only kind of family I have shut down 100%. Don't expect it to happen again, hope not anyway.
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I completely get that. I did the same with the wicked step-mother too.. but I did it too my father as well while they were married to each other, because he was an evil SOB.. and he married the female version of himself.. so I had no problems at all cutting them dead...
 
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"But it's your faamiileee" On the forum I go to for people raised by a borderline, there are people who have posted they won't go to a business if they advertise "we treat you like family."

I didn't know the concept of no contact when I turned 18. There was no internet. And while of coarse, some people can go down a rabbit hole on the internet, lowering contact and getting the bleep out of the town I grew up in would have done me good. My mother could be a good mother. She took care of me when sick. I wasn't raged at for throwing up in the car etc. But when my mother went off, it was insane and the most horrible things were said and then they were forgotten by her and that's damaging.

After my stepfather is gone, I will go no contact with my brother. I know he is damaged from the abuse we endured, but I can't deal with him.

Interestingly, since my stepfather had covid, he's been thinking about a lot regarding my mother. I think he is regretting many things. She isolated him from his family. I knew this was all wrong when I was a kid and it was all I knew. I told him that too. But he would have never listened.
 
My father was a difficult person, and I cut ties with him when I was about 30. I had a child to raise, and I didn't need him treating me like I was still a child.

I got angry with one of my brothers, but relented after a few years. He's a fair bit younger than me, so we never knew each other well. Maybe it hurt less and was easier to forgive because of that. (Of course I never really trusted him again.)

A few years ago, my daughter got angry with me -- I think unreasonably -- but that's up to her. For my part, I don't need that kind of judgment in my life. (Also, I don't like one of her family members, so it's just as well.)
 
My older daughter decided years ago to cut all ties with her family, including me and her younger sister. The reason, as I've been told, is quite bizarre. I've tried to contact her over the years as has my younger daughter but not response. After a long while I just finally had to let go and stop trying to figure it out.
 
I cut ties with both of my uncles because they used to make fun of my lack of sports ability. They called me "Dugout Doug". I had no idea what that meant because I was not into baseball. I now know what it meant. They also made fun of my father because he wasn't a "manly man", but he eventually ran rings around them when he became a successful businessman. One of them passed away recently. The other is in poor health, but he is no more than a stranger as far as I'm concerned.
 
In talking with many people this is far more common then it used to be....... not a big problem IMO

I for one have no issue with it .... i cut off my siblings as they were all horrible people and a bad influence i never wanted near my children .......... i told my mother i would not cut her off as long as she did NOT bring them up every time we saw each other ...... she refused to do so so i cut contact with her as well ......

why would anyone spend time and effort to pretend to like or care about someone just because they are related.........
I always support people who chose to break contact far more then those who PRETEND because it is family.

worked with a woman said the most horrible things about her family before and after every holiday or get together ..................and i thought why does she bother? .......works herself up before......... and could not wait to dish on all the infractions she felt they caused ..........she looked insane to most of us that she did not see how this replayed every time and all the office frankly was tired of hearing it.
 
I had to go no contact with all my siblings, and I come from a family of eight. My older brothers were liars, thieves and molesters. My mother was narcissistic and very toxic; but I am glad to say that in the end I made my peace with her as she lay on her deathbed. My father, as well. Near the end of his life I started phoning him on Sundays. Between my parents and my siblings, a lot of damage was done; and it took me years to regain my sanity and a sense of self.

I am both glad and sad that when they start to pass away, I will not be attending any funerals for two reasons; my health will not permit extensive travel, as they are scattered over five separate states. The other reason is that even if I could, I wouldn't go. I can only wish them peace. My life improved drastically once I started weeding them out.
 
This summer, I got injured and my healing process is slow but steady. I'm slogging through everything ok but am putting myself first and I'm getting dumped and ragged on by so many family members right now it's absolutely awful because I have had to set boundaries with them. But since it's a health issue I believe it's justified. It makes me realize how much family can refuse to understand another's point of view. I haven't refused to speak to anyone, but have set limitations on things I will and will not do. Many are not speaking to me as a result. It doesn't help. I am very much abandoned except for BF and a close cousin who offered me his vacation home in Florida because I needed a rest. I wish I could clone him. :giggle:
 
I have not spoken to my Mother for at least 40 years and do not know if she is still living.
Unfortunately she beat her children without mercy before leaving. She left when I was 7.
I went to see her when I was 19? and asked why such brutal beatings and she had no satisfactory answer.
I have 4 siblings, all of whom fled Tasmania because of the sad home situation.
I have no idea where two of them are.
One died of alcohol induced injuries aged 32.
I have tracked down the whereabouts of my younger brother.
His phone number has been in my mobile for over two years but I am yet to reach out, maybe I will never reach out. 🤷‍♂️
 
Tish said:
I sure have, for at least 10 years, I gave them a second chance after that but I still have my walls up.
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See, this is what I do.. I always give people a second chance even tho' they don't deserve it, and still they continue to be obnoxious, so once that happens I cut them off, and there's never any going back after that!!
 
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Murrmurr said:
My brother, Hoover, disappeared 17 years ago, after he divorced his wife. No one knows exactly where he is or why he cut ties. He writes a few lines to one of our cousins every year or two, so we know he's alive and doing ok, but that's it.
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He's mad that he was named after the previous century's Worst President!
eta
He's mad that he was named after a vacuum cleaner!
 
Family sometimes doesn’t let things go. My narcissistic mother had no contact with my sister for several years because she married a man Mother disapproved of. I was only 10 at the time, so unfortunately this meant that my only contact with my sister was through letters during that time.

The pattern repeated. When I was a college freshman, my mother refused to have any contact with me for an entire semester because I was dating a girl that she disapproved of. The dating relationship eventually ended, and I was able to re-establish contact which I did for the sake of my father…
 

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