Can't emphasize this enough. There are unaddressed and suppressed issues and if they are never dealt with they will come out and affect decisions. But those issues could've been cause for estrangement or banishment decades ago. Everyone is worried about being viewed upon as 'normal' and if they banished or disowned a family member decades ago that would've upset their perception about themselves.
I agree completely.
It's one of the primary reasons why I have always emphasized open and honest communication within my nuclear family. My kids were never "seen but not heard." I always encouraged them to talk openly about what was bothering them, even if it were something negative towards me, as long as they were respectful about it. I had no problem apologizing if I could see from their perspective that something I did or said was off, and if I didn't feel like it was, I'd thank them for their honesty and we'd search for some common ground or a compromise. Sometimes too, I just had to lay down the law, because I am after all the parent! They, like most kids, weren't happy, but there was enough respect paid to THEIR points of view and issues and concerns that it never really got too bad. And as adults they seem to have taken these lessons and applied the to their own relationships with significant others and children.
I think it's a primary reason why we remain very close as a family. There are no hidden agendas, no simmering but unspoken resentments, no suppressed issues. We've certainly been through enough trials by fire to have broken down as a family is it were going to happen. I'm proud of my kids for their communication and problem solving skills.
One of the biggest examples of not dealing with the obvious are drug and alcohol abuse issues. Some call it tough love etc but at a certain point family members in particular have to call out the drug addicts and alcoholics early on. But good old fashioned denial says 'not in my family', not me syndrome etc. I've seen these issues tolerated too long in numerous families and not only is it detrimental to the addicts & alkies but it takes a toll on the sober/rest of the family. Time and age don't correct things or make them better. There's a reason for expressions like 'nip it in the bud'
One of my sons is an addict. I’m not sure if you knew that or not. That’s one of the “trials by fire” issues we’ve dealt with as a family. He’s been C&S almost 5 years now, just for today, the longest stretch by several years. I won’t say it’s permanent because he will always be an addict, but I’m proud of his progress and dedication to his sobriety. He was in heavy addiction for 10 plus years, and ramped up to that point for 5 before that. He ultimately alienated every one of his siblings, all his friends, and eventually me too, because I finally realized that my “help” was just enabling the drug use. As a family we had many blowups, there was a lot of denial and much turmoil and wretchedness. There’s a reason that addiction is called a family disease!! Throughout all of it we just kept communicating, to my son and to each other, and even he, in his moments of clarity, tried to remain connected.
We’ve come through all of that closer than ever.
Do the siblings treat him any different. I've seen siblings go at hard over the years and just when you thought things were better than was it we now have 50 plus year old siblings who refuse to talk to each other for about 5 years. I will say some of the fights in front of other family were fierce at times. I think that battle was lost long ago. If they're in a good mood someone might get a greeting card. The parents relationship is strained with both of them but it's better with the addict. I regret to say the parent are a major contributor-at least one life time addict and another child that wants nothing to do with them. Everyone has gray hair; one would think they could get over it but I know with myself there are lines once crossed there is no going back.
They were very slow to trust their brother again. Grayson had in been in recovery a few times, gone to various court mandated programs, went through drug court, attended several rehabs, and relapsed each time, so we were all wary of his latest recovery. Over time, they became more comfortable, and each at their own pace let him back into their lives again, a bit at a time. There was a period when my daughter wouldn't let him into her house. A time when one of his brothers refused all communication from him. Everyone was wary of this latest recovery, and wouldn't reconnect at all initially because it could easily have been just the latest recovery/relapse cycle.
It was really hard for me as his Mom to stay out of those sibling relationships. I wanted so badly to fix things, to be the mediator, to help repair the damage. But I knew, rationally, that it wasn't mine to control, wasn't my job, wasn't my responsibility. Grayson made his amends to his siblings, as he could, reached out to help them with whatever issues they were having with cars (he's an excellent mechanic,) help with moving, any grunt work that required muscle, handyman stuff....just whatever he could do to help them in their lives, as a way to make amends for all the help they each gave him over the years and he wasted.
I think I mentioned, it's been almost 5 years now that he's been clean, and the kids are all in close touch again. Grayson attends all the nieces/nephews birthday parties, we as a family get together frequently, he goes to one of the boys' monthly poker nights, helps his sister with house repairs etc. He's fully back in their lives, but it has taken a lot of dedicated work......a willingness to slowly extend trust again on the part of the siblings, and a hefty dose of humility and desire to make amends on Grayson's part.
This is spot on. This is more the normal now. It’s a 50/50 give and take. If you don’t get some sort of % back it’s time to focus somewhere else. It does hurt a bit but life is to short.Family estrangements are far more common than people imagine. We are conditioned to believe otherwise by fictional tales of perfect families in books, movies and TV shows. Real life relationships aren't always pretty or smooth.
What always surprises me is how many people believe themselves to be victims of somebody else's choice of estrangement. We each bear substantial responsibility for how our relationships work out, whether we want to admit it or not. I say that as someone who chose estrangement from one family member and was cut off by another. I know the hows and whys of both, and what part I played in where we wound up.
So clearly caring for these two narcissistic toxic parents wasn’t worth the 12 acre farm, various bank accounts and investment portfolios ?My oldest brother married his pregnant girlfriend 54 years ago and my parents never stopped loathing her or the daughter they had. Now that brother and his wife are both dead and so are my parents....but before they died they disinherited my brother's daughter and her daughter out of the will.
My other brother's wife was shunned by our parents as well. She and her husband, my brother, refused all contact with our parents and me these last 15 years.
Now that one remaining brother and I are the only ones left of the original 5 family members. We're on speaking terms but his wife and I aren't. He refused to attend Mom's funeral five months ago. Our other brother's daughter and granddaughter, the ones cut out of the will, refuse all contact with us.
I nursed Mom and dad through their final years. And now I've inherited the house, the 12 acres it's on, everything in it, the bank accounts, the investment portfolios and the big prize, the farm....which brings me a tidy passive income.
If I had to do it over again, I think I'd have walked away from our parents like my 2 brothers did. Living a life away from my parents' toxic household might have been preferable to being the "loyal' son who got the material goodies.
Sometimes there are valid reasons that some kin/relative are universally DISliked. Think about it. Just make sure that
you're not one of them.
That's so sad Sassy! Well you endured it and hopefully now your life is a happy one, especially now that your son has apologized for his behavior. I feel so bad for those who have suffered through dysfunctional family drama.My immediate family is pretty close so far. But my Dad's family hated my Mother because my parents got married when they were only 16yrs old. So when my brother and me and my sister came along they hated us too. We were never invited to have dinner at my grandparents even though all the rest of the family was.We would visit on Christmas and all the grandchildren would get presents but not us. Now years later most of my cousins don't speak to one another. In each family they turn against one another. I don't know how my Mom tolerated it,but she did for my Dad's sake.
when i was younger we were close to all the cousins and aunts and uncles......now, well!..... what a change......i have nothing to do with my 5 siblings, and we hardly see our 4 sons and family .....
The key is respect each other because if one respected the other they wouldn't be playing games, gossiping, trying find ways to manipulate or con family. Prime example are money issues...... Families that can’t come together and respect one another should probably just stay away from each other. ....
@ Keesha: Mom was in a nursing home for the last two months of her life when she was in hospice care. I did everything necessary before that.
It was very difficult.
I didn't have a spouse and they were glad for it, it made things simpler for them. Simplicity could work for us, complexity was outside of our skill sets.
I didn't deliberately estrange my brothers. The mutual estrangement was another expression of our family's sheer ignorance of how to communicate and respect one another .
If I'd walked away and lived my life like my brothers did, I might have had a life rather than being a servant. And now I'm facing old age alone.
The house is on the 12 acres. The farm is 320 acres.