Have you ever just lost it?

Pepper said:
Oy vay, I lose it so often. Did at CVS. They have new systems where the customer must work the computers. I refused. Not there to work. Clerk, who knows me though I don't remember her, "handled" me wonderfully. We even shared a laugh at the end.

HATE CVS. HATE.
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:) That's not "losing it", Pepper. That's just not being sheeplike.
 

Throwing a tantrum is not in my DNA, but my sister sure could make up for what I couldn’t.

In aviation, like most careers, there are things that are upsetting or annoying. United would go nuts when schedules went behind and sometimes I was their punching bag, I guess you could call me. One summer afternoon, a line of thunderstorms were passing through in Miami. High winds and torrential downpours were involved. The FAA advised against departing, so as Captain, I held the flight. I called for a 30 minute delay. We hadn’t started boarding yet, so my passengers were comfortable in the terminal.

We were an hour and a half late leaving Miami, so when we landed in D.C., my supervisor was waiting for me. He must have had a lot of late planes because it didn’t take him very long to unload on me. Usually, he was a good guy to work with, but not that day. I let him fly off the handle and he used me for his punching bag. After it was over I walked away. A half hour later, he apologized and life went on.
 
GP44 said:
No I’m not the abusive type. Angry sometimes if pushed enough? Yes!
But I’m not abusive.
I’m more of a live and let live type of person Nothing I enjoy more than enjoying a quiet, peaceful existence.
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You sound a lot like my late husband — he was unpredictable- continually like an M-80 with its pin pulled. He could be in the best mood walking through the door from work and by the time he got to the back of the house to change clothes, he might be a raving lunatic to the point of making the one dog a nervous wreck.

He made the horses nervous, even on his good days so he only helped with barn chores and only in my presence.

He was not abusive and was great at tap dancing around anything sounding verbally abusive, but nonetheless, his verbal behavior was abusive. His snot faced attitude was why I stopped cooking years ago, because he complained about everything. I told him to cook his own food which he did but at least once a week he would throw it in the garbage because what he fixed didn’t suit him.

This man was not my son’s father, nor was he ever in the military, but I say all this because he had deep rooted anger issues over something early in his life and so do you. I am sorry but you remind me too much of life with late husband to give you any sympathy. My deepest sympathy is, however, with your wife.

It would be great if you could find qualified help, but sometimes those so-called qualified people are less Help than not doing anything.

Best wishes to you.
 
As a child I was described as "placid".

As a young wife I sometimes found myself seething over some small slight and rather than talk to my husband about it I would bottle my hurt up until it festered into anger. I would stay angry for several days but still kept it inside until eventually I calmed down and decided that it was time to let it go.

Hubby was usually oblivious to what was going on inside my head. He, on the other hand, tended to break things when angry and one night in a fit of anger fuelled by alcohol, he overturned a large piece of furniture, breaking all of my glassware. Then he stormed off into the night, but I didn't wait around. I left the house because I felt unsafe and spent the night in a motel. I did phone him to say that I wasn't coming home until morning, and that we would talk then.

That was the last time I saw him lose it.
 
Imogene said:
You sound a lot like my late husband — he was unpredictable- continually like an M-80 with its pin pulled. He could be in the best mood walking through the door from work and by the time he got to the back of the house to change clothes, he might be a raving lunatic to the point of making the one dog a nervous wreck.

He made the horses nervous, even on his good days so he only helped with barn chores and only in my presence.

He was not abusive and was great at tap dancing around anything sounding verbally abusive, but nonetheless, his verbal behavior was abusive. His snot faced attitude was why I stopped cooking years ago, because he complained about everything. I told him to cook his own food which he did but at least once a week he would throw it in the garbage because what he fixed didn’t suit him.

This man was not my son’s father, nor was he ever in the military, but I say all this because he had deep rooted anger issues over something early in his life and so do you. I am sorry but you remind me too much of life with late husband to give you any sympathy. My deepest sympathy is, however, with your wife.

It would be great if you could find qualified help, but sometimes those so-called qualified people are less Help than not doing anything.

Best wishes to you.
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It would have been very little trouble for Mrs. GP44 to have kept the beans separate from the chili. Just a little bit of love and caring from her would have made a lovely evening together in front of the tv.
There is a reason we do not speak ill of the dead. It is because they can't defend themselves.
 
gruntlabor said:
It would have been very little trouble for Mrs. GP44 to have kept the beans separate from the chili. Just a little bit of love and caring from her would have made a lovely evening together in front of the tv.
There is a reason we do not speak ill of the dead. It is because they can't defend themselves.
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It is also possible Mrs. GP44 has tolerated said actions for so many years that she was weary of the whole dog and pony show, and gave up. In spite of what many men might think, women are not doormats; sooner or later we will either say “do it yourself” or leave.

How I speak of my late husband is my business - you don’t know any of the story - I haven’t said anything here I didn’t say directly to him. He had many great attributes, but I spent years telling him that life with him was often two steps forward and one step backward. His outbursts were not limited to home, yet many came to his Celebration of Life that I put together for him because the other side of his personality was very likable.
 
gruntlabor said:
It would have been very little trouble for Mrs. GP44 to have kept the beans separate from the chili. Just a little bit of love and caring from her would have made a lovely evening together in front of the tv.
There is a reason we do not speak ill of the dead. It is because they can't defend themselves.
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We buy cans of chilli with and without beans. She claimed that the reason why we always have beans is because I brought home six cans with beans.
When I looked in the pantry there were still six cans with beans and none without so I tossed the cans with beans and went to the store and bought without beans.
Next time I will have mine without beans!
She can add beans to hers if she wants beans.
 
GP44 said:
When I looked in the pantry there were still six cans with beans and none without so I tossed the cans with beans and went to the store and bought without beans.
Next time I will have mine without beans!
She can add beans to hers if she wants beans.
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My gosh what a petty approach to toss out six perfectly good cans of fixings. It would be funny if it wasn't so sadly passive aggressive and dysfunctional.

Obviously there's a lot of resentment in your marriage, you may want to start preparing your own meals if you want to be satisfied, and safe. Hard to tell where petty fights like this escalate to, spit in your chilie, exlax in your coffee, arsenic in your pie. It happens!
 
GP44 said:
I’m not a violent person but it was like I couldn’t quit being angry and my anger fed on my anger until I let off enough steam.
That was the most angry that I ever been in my life.
Maybe it is good for a person to let off some steam sometimes rather than to just keep resenting things.
I read somewhere that if you just suffer in silence it gives people the idea that they can continue with what they are doing to you.
I realized today that it might be important that someone sees the angry side of you when it is called for rather than seeing you as the suffering in silence kind.
A man can be so nice that he almost invites abuse.
Everybody knows that our younger son is like that. Although a lot of his friends and colleagues love him his women have abused him a lot.
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I do think the people are healthier for letting off steam rather than bottling it up.... and perhaps that should take the form of some hard exercise or kick the trash bins..or chop wood..or something you can take it out on rather than a person...or your home...

I have never trashed my house or thrown plates or phones as some people do now... ever... because I paid for these things, and if I break them, guess whose paying?..Me... so I'm not going hurt myself in my rage...
 
hollydolly said:
I do think the people are healthier for letting off steam rather than bottling it up.... and perhaps that should take the form of some hard exercise or kick the trash bins..or chop wood..or something you can take it out on rather than a person...or your home...

I have never trashed my house or thrown plates or phones as some people do now... ever... because I paid for these things, and if I break them, guess whose paying?..Me... so I'm not going hurt myself in my rage...
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I threw an ugly and cheap plate once to see what it felt like. I wasn't mad. When I realized who would clean it up, I felt like an idiot. Besides that, it wasn't fun or useful.

I think that having fun is one of the most important reasons for being alive.
 
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GP44 said:
We buy cans of chilli with and without beans. She claimed that the reason why we always have beans is bceause I brought home six cans with beans.
When I looked in the pantry there were still six cans with beans and none without so I tossed the cans with beans and went to the store and bought without beans.
Next time I will have mine without beans!
She can add beans to hers if she wants beans.
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You gotta stop freaking out over the petty stuff. It just escalates the problem. Buy both kinds of chili.

It reminds me of when I used to get mad at my mother-in-law (but didn't tell her). She'd visit and she'd fold the bath towels wrong! OMG, that infuriated me. The third time she visited us I realized I should just be glad she was helping out. After all, it wouldn't be long before we'd use those towels. It wasn't like they were a shrine in the linen closet.
 
Well when I'm mad I tend to slam doors, any door. and I slam things down, not enough to break anything but I do make noise. And I am swearing at the same time, sometimes yelling, sometimes under my breath. My hubby does not do slamming, but he does yell very loud, he is incredibly loud just in his normal voice, so it is definitely a few decibels up from that. Then we calm down and usually tell each other we are sorry. Funny enough, none of this happened when I lived at home. There was no yelling ever, I mean except when we were little and playing cowboys and Indians. My mom and dad would argue at times but it was really low key compared to my husband and me.
 
I really lost it one time...it was sort of funny. My late husband had been asking me to make some enchiladas, so I made a big platter of them with rice and beans on the side. He was in a real pissy mood that day and when I called him to the table, he said, "I don't want them. I'm not hungry now," in a real snotty tone, even though he had been ready for dinner.

I just lost it. I threw the platter up in the air, hitting the ceiling. Enchilatas, rice, beans, all came falling down all over the kitchen. I stomped upstairs, slammed the bedroom door and got under the covers to take a nap.

When I came downstairs a couple of hours later, the kitchen was immaculate, ceiling scrubbed, and he was pussy-footing around like nothing happened. "Did you have a good nap?", he asked, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. I kept my mouth shut.
 
Hm.

One issue I'm living through is that for a long time I lived alone. Then my wife returned, and I want her here, and I'm happy. BUT - I had become accustomed to being alone, and I liked that too. The plates were always where I put them down. I knew how long the milk would last. I didn't buy Jam (jelly) because it's not something I ever crave. In fact, whilst in the UK I don't buy Coffee at all, I'm tea all the way. Now I have to think about all kinds of other variables.

I don't get angry as in blowing my top. But that doesn't mean everything is smooth in transition. Like, I'm sitting here right now, and I have done an online grocery order. I want to put it in, to get it delivered tomorrow. On my own, no problem. But I've told my wife to go look at the order and to add what she wants, but she hasn't bothered. And I know it's not because she doesn't want things, it's because it's not a priority with her.

But over a hot dog? No. In fact, my wife and I prepare our own meals, so there's never an issue there.

My wife is a vegetarian, which is a whole thing. Me? Well, I just bought some bacon so...........
 
It is in my DNA. I get it from my father and it's a physical thing. I never hit anyone in my life or yelled at a person, but I can get angry. Very angry.

One time when I was working as a drive-thru teller a customer got mad because I had told him, nicely, that he had insufficient funds to cash his check. He sent a nasty dirty rag back to me in the cannister. Suddenly I literally saw red, like looking through a red cellophane wrapper. I had to pretend I'd dropped something and duck down to the floor for a few minutes.

I've been aware of a certain danger ever since, so I try not to "lose it" even when I'm alone. It's very dangerous. Anger releases stress hormones, raises blood pressure and can cause strokes and heart attacks.

I understand GP44 perfectly. Call him abusive, say the issue was petty -- that's not what it was about. It was a build up of frustration starting with seeing the beans which has clearly been an issue for a long time, having to pick them out, and then dropping the plate. I will also add the physical issues of over sleeping in the afternoon and bending over to pick it all up, both causing blood pressure to rise.

I don't see Mrs. GP as the entirely innocent victim of abuse in all this. My first husband once gave me the silent treatment for a whole year, it's another way love can diminish. She wasn't hit, she was just yelled at, and clearly it's a rare thing. If she was afraid of GP44 she wouldn't keep preparing chilli with beans and if the division of labor in their house is that she cooks the meals, why should he have to cook his own? I'm sure GP has apologized, maybe he can discuss it with her and explain what triggers it for him.

The last time I lost it, I was home alone, putting away the last load of laundry after a full day of house work and I found a pair of underpants in my son's hamper. I was enraged. Not at my son, but at the existence of the underpants. I yelled and screamed, frightening the dog and felt like I'd had a mini-stroke when I was done. I wish I knew how to keep it from happening, other than come to a complete stop when I feel it rising. I wish I had a backyard swing to go sit in.
 
Have I ever just lost it?

Yes, It all started when I lost my virginity. I have been losing (sh) it ever since. I partially, very mildly, lose it daily. Only on one occasion about a year ago did I lose it uncontrollably. It was related to my alcoholic husband that has given up on life and by evening his drinking has him in a state of dementia. After helping him around 10 times to sort his meds by AM PM and days, he said I had them sorted all wrong in his pill box. He dumped it out on the counter and several small pills fell on the floor.

I lost my shit mentally. The only physical thing I did was sent the rest of the pills flying across the room, with one quick sweep of my hand. After cussing and stomping my foot, I felt drained. I decided to never again let myself get in that unhealthy state and I haven't. I have found ways to deal with his self inflicted dementia, avoid conflict, and remain calm.

Since my husband has become unable and also unwilling to do anything around the house or yard, I find plumbing to be my worst trigger. A dripping faucet can put me on the verge of losing my shit. I have feared replacing the old shower faucet cartridges and knobs for years. Finally the dripping was not only building a calcium deposit stalagmite in one shower, but so loud it could be heard in the bedroom. A brown fungal creature was also growing in the drain.

The lowest estimate from a plumber was $1000 for both showers. Driving to the plumbers supply house thru bumper to bumper traffic was trying my patience, but I refrained from road rage. I walked into the supply house like I knew what I was doing. I had been there before, picking up parts for my old man, back in the day when he could and would do the house repairs. I always helped him and observed, so I could do it myself if such ever became necessary.

Knowing, the plumbers supply was owned and operated by old men that had an eye for female endowment, I wore a tight stretch top that showed a bit more than my old man wanted other men to see. Being an old woman, getting respect at these places, required going on the offensive. Much to my surprise, the place had been bought out by women. One of their employees, a tattooed guy, including face and neck, quickly asked how he could help me.

I showed him the old cartridge, now 50 years old, and he groaned. He doubted they had such but would go look. I went with him, even though the sign said, Employees Only, and started looking. He said he didn't see anything and then I saw a box with maybe 100 of these, new and in plastic package, antique cartridges. I shouted, eureka and he compared and agreed that I was right.

Since I had to bust the old knobs and face plates off, due to years of calcification, I purchased them also. An hour later both shower faucets were fixed with new everything, for less than $200. I didn't lose my shit once, other than calling the corroded nut, requiring a pipe wrench and cheater pipe, a dirty bloody wanker.

One thing about losing your virginity, is you cannot lose it again. I am no longer a virgin home plumber.
 
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First of all, raising your voice, throwing things and making a mess are not the answers. I was in a friendship type marriage the first 3 yrs beng good, while the last 27 were not so much. He (for sure) began cheating afte the first 3 yrs but I never called him out, remained totally faithful until the divorce after 30 yrs of legal marriage. He was going to cheat anyway, so why make a fuss?

If it made him better to deal with, fine. That's when I realized I did not love him and was staying for my son. Son graduates HS, joins the Navy and I joined the permanent travel club.
 
My late ex-husband really knew how to push my buttons, so there were times when I did things I am not proud of ... usually, "losing it" -- comes after a LOT of stuff piles up and you don't talk about it - work thru it - etc. You hold everything in and then lose it when there are beans in your chili. ;) My only advice is to work on communicating with your wife. If there are things that bother you, talk about them as they come along - don't let things fester.

The man I am married to now is much like me - very mellow. We work on communicating if something comes up, and we laugh off the little stuff. I tend to keep things inside, so I have to work on letting them out - or I can get withdrawn - but we don't fight. :)

He likes onions in everything - I don't much care for them, so if it's something we are eating together - he gets his onions on the side. :D
 

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