"Helicopter" Parenting Doing More Harm Than Good? What is Your Opinion?

SeaBreeze

SeaBreeze

Endlessly Groovin'
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For a long time I've been hearing about 'helicopter moms' and the fact that their children are being robbed of the basic childhood experiences of learning and being self assured and confident.

Things seem to have become worse, because strangers are calling he police when they see a child out walking somewhere alone, in this case just walking her dog. A video and more info about this type of parenting and the harm it may be doing to the children here.

What are your thoughts, normal way to parent, or over the line? What about 'mom shaming' of mothers who allow their kids some freedom, as many of us experienced in our own childhoods?

Has protective parenting gone too far? Several high-profile news stories, along with increasing rates of childhood obesity, anxiety and depression, have sparked a movement encouraging parents to allow their children greater freedom. The nonprofit Let Grow is leading the call for what’s known as “free range parenting,” in which kids can just be kids. William Brangham reports.
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I have to say that in the world we live in today ,I can understand parents being over protective of their children. The world isn't safe. Growing up I never heard of shootings in school ,movie theaters etc. I can't think of a safe place. Honestly I give parents a great deal of respect for watching their children. Sadly there are very few Mothers that are able to stay at home and be there for their children like it was in other decades.
 

Sassycakes, you paint a very bleak picture. OK, some places are not as 'safe' as they once were, but I think that does not justify 'over protection'. Statistically - just what are the chances of a child being hurt as the result of going to the cinema or the park? 1 in 10, 1 in 100 ? More like 1 in 10 million! There's more chance of meeting Elvis!

There's such a thing as teaching children about the REAL dangers and how to keep themselves safe, but constantly wrapping them in cotton wool is virtually child abuse.

Children have to be allowed to explore, make mistakes, skin their knees etc.. and grow up. Guide them, keep a discreet watch - but do not become paranoid.
 
[FONT=&quot]I agree with Captain Lightning a parent needs to teach children how to evaluate situations and allow them to take risks when the stakes are small if they expect them to gain the experience needed to evaluate situations later in life and make sound decisions when the stakes become much higher.

"The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them." - Frank A. Clark[/FONT]
 
You may not believe this but when I was 2 years old I was allowed out to play with the other kids.. my mother obviously thought it was safe.. and it was, but I was kidnapped and taken by a woman, and then drugged and dumped like a bundle of rags in the middle of a main road at midnight, found by a bus driver who nearly rain over me ..

Now that's the short story because in truth there's not much more of the story..the police never did find the womn, and I was apparently none the worse for wear after milk and biscuits at the police station.

However my point is, that if it had been me as the parent ..there's not a chance in hell that my child would ever be allowed to play out again unsupervised... but not my parents.. . Now it could be said they were dysfunctional and in many ways they were, but they were intelligent, so they were fully aware that it could happen again.. but did they keep me at home?...nope not a bit of it... I was left to run and play wherever I liked as long as I was home for tea....and they never knew where I was.

Today that would be Huge story in the papers, which would go on for years!!
 
Ideally, parents need to have a plan ... "How to keep their child reasonably safe in an inherently dangerous world while at the same time preparing him or her to be a fully competent, self sufficient adult by the age of 18". Unfortunately, the tendency these days is to focus on the first part of this while overlooking the second. The parent is then surprised to find their dysfunctional 28 year old living under their roof doing little more than texting and playing video games. Or going off the rails altogether.

Life is full of risks. You can't protect a youngster from all of them yet expect them to be able to cope when they reach adulthood. JMHO.
 
I'm familiar with the term Helicopter Parent. My daughter and I talk about this all the time. She has three young children and struggles with allowing them freedom vs keeping them safe. I think she does reasonably well, all things considered.

One thing that hasn't been discussed so far, and it's a fear she lives with that *I* NEVER had to when I was raising her, is being reported to Child Protective Services for negligence, or child abuse, or child endangerment etc. Pediatricians for example have a legal obligation to file a report if they suspect that a child is being abused. What this translates to for Paige, my daughter, is that she stresses over the number of bruises her kids have...and they have them because she encourages them to run and play and climb, and of course that results in bumps and falls and other minor injuries. Luckily, her pediatrician is a wonderful women, with 4 kids herself, and is understanding of the kinds of bumps and bruises that are typical. When her oldest son at age 5 fell off a dining room chair at just the wrong angle, and broke his clavicle, she was in tears over the concern that when they took him to the emergency room she would be investigated.

She's not being paranoid. She has any number of stories from friends, or acquaintances, or friends of friends, of these things actually happening. So even if SHE feels comfortable in free roam parenting, she remains cautious of the potential that she will be reported to CPS and have to deal with that intervention and the risk, however slight, that she will be found to be an unfit parent and have her kids taken away. I know that sounds ridiculous to those of us who raised our kids in a different generation, but it's a fear that is shared by many of the parents I've spoken to of my kids generation.

What a sad way to have to parent, y'know????
 
Holly, wow!

About the original question, it's really hard to answer this in general terms. How much parenting is "too much?" Where does the family live, and what is the crime rate in their neighborhood? How responsible are the
kids about not leaving themselves vulnerable to harm, in other words, can the kids be trusted to look after themselves?

There are no "one size fits all" answers to this, as there are too many variables. Some parents are more nervous than others. Some kids are more danger-prone than others. Some situations are more threatening than others.
Some kids have older siblings looking after their welfare; some do not. Parents have a difficult balancing act, and no one has all the answers.
 
It's a different world, today, than that which I grew up in...back in the 1950's. Back then, the entire neighborhood consisted of "stay at home" moms, and all of us kids were outdoors playing with several "watchful" eyes monitoring our activities and behavior. Economics have changed all that, as most mothers now have to work to help support the family. Now, the kids have to either fend for themselves for several hours a day, or spend a lot of time in a "daycare" facility waiting for the parents to get off work. Back then, the biggest problem we had was dodging the cars on the street while we played softball. Back then, the word "Pedophile" was virtually unknown...whereas today, it seems that the news is full of children being abused, etc. Parents today seem to be stressed out from their work, and have limited time to spend with their kids...so a lot of those kids get much of their "parenting" from things like TV and video games...which gives them a rather warped view of "reality". It's a different world today, and I'm not sure that those growing up in this environment will have the same values that those of my generation acquired.

With all the lunatics and drug addicts, etc., present today, parenting seems to be much more difficult than it used to be, and I can understand how some parents become almost "overprotective".
 
The child will have to learn how to assess a situation along with learning situations and places to avoid. The trick is at what point does teaching end and practice begin.

Also I think many parents become micro managers simply because they can. They are so invested in their kids as part of their own lives they don't want to see anything happen to them. But the parent must learn the difference between teaching, protecting and letting the kids lead their own lives.
 
hollydolly said:
You may not believe this but when I was 2 years old I was allowed out to play with the other kids.. my mother obviously thought it was safe.. and it was, but I was kidnapped and taken by a woman, and then drugged and dumped like a bundle of rags in the middle of a main road at midnight, found by a bus driver who nearly rain over me ..

Now that's the short story because in truth there's not much more of the story..the police never did find the womn, and I was apparently none the worse for wear after milk and biscuits at the police station.

However my point is, that if it had been me as the parent ..there's not a chance in hell that my child would ever be allowed to play out again unsupervised... but not my parents.. . Now it could be said they were dysfunctional and in many ways they were, but they were intelligent, so they were fully aware that it could happen again.. but did they keep me at home?...nope not a bit of it... I was left to run and play wherever I liked as long as I was home for tea....and they never knew where I was.

Today that would be Huge story in the papers, which would go on for years!!
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That's a terrible thing to have happen to you Holly, I'm glad you weren't seriously harmed and still around to talk about it. In my opinion, a two year old is just a toddler, and should never be left alone outside or inside without close supervision.
 
Ronni said:
I'm familiar with the term Helicopter Parent. My daughter and I talk about this all the time. She has three young children and struggles with allowing them freedom vs keeping them safe. I think she does reasonably well, all things considered.

One thing that hasn't been discussed so far, and it's a fear she lives with that *I* NEVER had to when I was raising her, is being reported to Child Protective Services for negligence, or child abuse, or child endangerment etc. Pediatricians for example have a legal obligation to file a report if they suspect that a child is being abused. What this translates to for Paige, my daughter, is that she stresses over the number of bruises her kids have...and they have them because she encourages them to run and play and climb, and of course that results in bumps and falls and other minor injuries. Luckily, her pediatrician is a wonderful women, with 4 kids herself, and is understanding of the kinds of bumps and bruises that are typical. When her oldest son at age 5 fell off a dining room chair at just the wrong angle, and broke his clavicle, she was in tears over the concern that when they took him to the emergency room she would be investigated.

She's not being paranoid. She has any number of stories from friends, or acquaintances, or friends of friends, of these things actually happening. So even if SHE feels comfortable in free roam parenting, she remains cautious of the potential that she will be reported to CPS and have to deal with that intervention and the risk, however slight, that she will be found to be an unfit parent and have her kids taken away. I know that sounds ridiculous to those of us who raised our kids in a different generation, but it's a fear that is shared by many of the parents I've spoken to of my kids generation.

What a sad way to have to parent, y'know????
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That is a sad way to have to parent Ronni. I've heard stories on the TV about a neighbor just not liking someone, and reporting them falsely to the authorities and claiming the mother is guilty of child abuse or neglect. The reported mother is then on a 'list' whether the whole report was bogus or not, and always in fear of someone coming into her home and taking her children from her.

I feel bad for the parents today, it does seem that their freedom to raise their children the way they want has been taken away from them to some degree. IMO, most parents are smart enough and caring enough to make reasonable decisions in their child's everyday activities.
 
Don M. said:
It's a different world, today, than that which I grew up in...back in the 1950's. Back then, the entire neighborhood consisted of "stay at home" moms, and all of us kids were outdoors playing with several "watchful" eyes monitoring our activities and behavior.
Back then, the biggest problem we had was dodging the cars on the street while we played softball. Back then, the word "Pedophile" was virtually unknown...whereas today, it seems that the news is full of children being abused, etc.
Click to expand...

That's how it was when I was growing up Don, there was always a mother hanging out the window watching what was going on with the kids, or sitting on a front stoop. If someone else's mother told you something, you listened as if it were your own mother.

The word pedophile was virtually unknown, but parents were aware. My mother made it very clear to me not to talk to strangers outside, especially men, not to go over to anyone's car if they called me and started talking to me, etc. I was baby sitting for a lady in the next building once, and my mother noticed that her husband had come home early. He told me to just stay there and keep watching the babies until his wife came home, there was no problem, he was a nice man. But my mother soon came knocking on the door and said now that he was home, I needed to go with her. So she was aware and watchful.
 
SeaBreeze said:
That's a terrible thing to have happen to you Holly, I'm glad you weren't seriously harmed and still around to talk about it. In my opinion, a two year old is just a toddler, and should never be left alone outside or inside without close supervision.
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Thanks SB... the odd thing is that I can still remember being taken.. but I think I must have known the woman who took me because I went willingly when she put her arms out to pick me up.. other than that I remember nothing!! (this was in the late 50's) I clearly didn't have the ability to tell this to my parents or anyone, because they never found out who it was, and sometimes I wonder if she did this to other children, yet my mother told me the police didn't make any real effort to find her. Today it would be very different!!
 
Oh Holly, how traumatic! I'm so sorry.
One thing to keep in mind is not only keeping a child from outside harm from someone, but also from an in home trusted person. Like, for making certain that your 6 year old daughter is being well taken care of by a stepfather who would not perform sexual abuse and share a (green) std with her, while the mother is at her job. The child not knowing she should tell her mother what was being done.

BTW, persons who self-righteously report to child care authorities what they perceive as some parents' bad parenting, (but are mistaken) are awful people. (Concern is great, but those people should get a life of their own!)
 
Although not helicopter parenting I've seen older adults try to micro manage younger family trying to interject themselves into things like business dealings, their family issues etc. It's a fine line actually between best interests at heart and/or doing things their way. Same for the kids, is there a true danger or someone just running one too many what if scenarios.
 
Don M. said:
It's a different world, today, than that which I grew up in...back in the 1950's. Back then, the entire neighborhood consisted of "stay at home" moms, and all of us kids were outdoors playing with several "watchful" eyes monitoring our activities and behavior. Economics have changed all that, as most mothers now have to work to help support the family. Now, the kids have to either fend for themselves for several hours a day, or spend a lot of time in a "daycare" facility waiting for the parents to get off work. Back then, the biggest problem we had was dodging the cars on the street while we played softball. Back then, the word "Pedophile" was virtually unknown...whereas today, it seems that the news is full of children being abused, etc. Parents today seem to be stressed out from their work, and have limited time to spend with their kids...so a lot of those kids get much of their "parenting" from things like TV and video games...which gives them a rather warped view of "reality". It's a different world today, and I'm not sure that those growing up in this environment will have the same values that those of my generation acquired.

With all the lunatics and drug addicts, etc., present today, parenting seems to be much more difficult than it used to be, and I can understand how some parents become almost "overprotective".
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I agree -- my childhood was much like you describe -- playing outside as we pleased, and all the moms sort of looking out for all the kids. It actually was a great time.

I know the world is very different now, but I also think protectiveness, carried to an extreme, isn't good for kids either. I think we all have to learn some of life's lessons for ourselves, even early ones, so that we are prepared for what life throws at us later. I'm glad I wasn't "helicoptered." I would have absolutely hated it. I would have had fewer skinned knees and assorted other bumps and bruises, but I would still have hated it.
 
SeaBreeze said:
That's how it was when I was growing up Don, there was always a mother hanging out the window watching what was going on with the kids, or sitting on a front stoop. If someone else's mother told you something, you listened as if it were your own mother.

The word pedophile was virtually unknown, but parents were aware. My mother made it very clear to me not to talk to strangers outside, especially men, not to go over to anyone's car if they called me and started talking to me, etc. I was baby sitting for a lady in the next building once, and my mother noticed that her husband had come home early. He told me to just stay there and keep watching the babies until his wife came home, there was no problem, he was a nice man. But my mother soon came knocking on the door and said now that he was home, I needed to go with her. So she was aware and watchful.
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AND, if you didn't listen to that other mother, you could be sure your own mother would hear about it and have a very stern conversation with you!

My mom was also VERY clear about the talking to strangers and not going over to cars, etc., things.
 
Butterfly said:
AND, if you didn't listen to that other mother, you could be sure your own mother would hear about it and have a very stern conversation with you!

My mom was also VERY clear about the talking to strangers and not going over to cars, etc., things.
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It's true, if a neighbor saw me doing something that might put me in harm's way, they'd approach me directly and let my mother know. I listened to her pretty well though, but didn't really know why she was so concerned until I got older.
 
Many of my kids' friends who have a caregiver with their children while they work have "nanny cams" installed in their homes, so that they can actually see, remotely, what the caregiver is doing and how they are taking care of the children.
 
I wouldn't want to be a parent in this country today for love nor money. Parents can't win. I can see why a lot of them "hover" around their children. If they don't, they're deemed bad parents. When a child's time is so structured they don't have time for spontaneous play, it's bound to have negative effects. But if you do let your child have a little freedom, you can get them taken away for neglect. It's a sad world.
 
Dr. Phil show yesterday: Two fathers who each made their child, after each child had bullied some other student on a school bus & so were kicked off, made their child walk to school, while they followed them from a car and filmed them from behind. The children were ONLY uncomfortable--one even got rained on, but kept going. No hate of parents from the children and they no longer bullied. The main gripe from people who disagreed with this was that the fathers put their experience on the internet--the children's faces could not be seen. It was thought that the children would be so shamed by their experience being shown on the internet they'd suffer one way or another for it for years. (I disagree with that opinion).
 

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