How do you process the issues and upsets in your life?

I have a tendency to bottle everything up then mull it over night after night. I'd say 80 percent of the time I make whatever happened my fault. After making myself miserable for who knows how long and blowing it all out of proportion I come to my senses and come to a reasonable solution. You would think I'd learn.
 

We make decisions and choose our paths emotionally and intellectually. It is important that we look at problems and big decisions both ways. Sleeping on it is a pretty valid way of dealing with an emotional issue.

My decision to get out of the Navy at 31 years rather than stay in for 40 was based on both techniques.

Intellectually (mathematically with probability calculations) the answer came back indicating that staying in was an automatic $150K mistake. Predominately because it would disrupt my wife's career. She was a GS13. The plus side was that we were headed to Spain for four years and she would have liked that, but after the wine tasting she would have been a bit bored. If I stayed in, went to Spain, and didn't get promoted to O-6, then I would have to do a job search from overseas. Or I could stay right where I was and pick from the many offers that were being made to me.

Emotionally, I was not particularly fond of the incoming Admiral that I would be reporting to. As a bean counter, he had his good points, but technology was not one of them and he once commented that he didn't care for engineers. (I am out of here!)
 
Ruth n Jersey said:
I have a tendency to bottle everything up then mull it over night after night. I'd say 80 percent of the time I make whatever happened my fault. After making myself miserable for who knows how long and blowing it all out of proportion I come to my senses and come to a reasonable solution. You would think I'd learn.
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Ruth you seem to handle things the same way I do most of the time.
 

I do a lot of thinking about the issues and upsets. Learning to be even more laid back and let go of a lot as life is too short to be unhappy. As for emotions and reactions I remain working on them and use cognitive exercises that I have learned to explore them and see them and use them in the most beneficial way.

I also walk away from things and sit back and try to view it from other perspectives. Sometimes I long to be understood when I'm not but can't really help what others think or do. Lately, though, I'm starting to care less and less what others think because I'm understanding why I was that way. I was taught to be that way as a young child. Do everything for others' approval..Realizing I am good intentioned and I don't need to seek understanding and approval. I'm ok and you're okay--know what I mean?

I have done a lot of self exploring over the years; sometimes on my own, at times with professionals, been in various groups and I can say that as I am I am enough--and that is meant in a good way.

I also have brooding times when I'm very quiet and to myself reflecting. Then I have times when I cuss under my breath about the unfair things in life. I try to keep myself from getting too sad about things, though, now as I was plagued with relentless depression for decades and it's been nice to come out of that. Not that I don't have my down days still but it's not pervasive like it once was. So I get by.
 
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I try to remind myself that stress is a reaction to things.

Life-long immediate family stuff that nothing can be done about (within the confines of the law) weighs heavily.
Inappropriate people poisoning situations I would prefer to not abandon from comes in second.

I've observed that the older I get, the more I find that I'm way more tolerant of people who deserve a little understanding, and I'm way less tolerant of those who deserve no understanding. I think that's a good direction to be going.

I mind confrontation less than I used to. That helps deal with stuff at the time it needs to be dealt with and to put it where it belongs so that I don't carry it around. That's a "hard knocks" lesson I've learned.
 
Ruthanne said:
I have done a lot of self exploring over the years; sometimes on my own, at times with professionals, been in various groups and I can say that as I am I am enough--and that is meant in a good way.
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Same here.

I'm just at my 30th anniversary of being clean & sober, and have attended thousands upon thousands of 12 Step Meetings of all types. I find it interesting that a small handful of universal human issues can manifest themselves (or be medicated) in so many different ways. Reading some of these comments reminds me of the many people I've met along the way who are just regular everyday folk with the most phenomenal insights.

It always restores my faith.
 
My mother was a family-oriented person, and I guess I'm a lot like her. Whenever something came up, she needed help with something, etc., she always thought of a relative who could help her, or someone who had lived through the same thing, and this is what happened. I find myself doing much of the same thing. (Which doesn't always make a lot of sense, I guess.)
 
Ronni said:
Discussion of how I process stuff came up on another thread, and it made me curious what everyone's process is as they deal with the bumps that happen in life, whether it's dealing with another person and an argument or disagreement, or just working through something in your own head, I'm curious.

I am an over-sharer. 😂 My process is to communicate, everywhere, all the time, as I work through whatever the problem is. I journal too, and that helps, but I find that my process is greatly enhanced by getting feedback. I'm not looking for feedback to validate my position or opinion, I just want other points of view. I try and look at stuff from every side, every angle, and so it's particularly helpful to me when I can hear the way someone else sees what I'm dealing with, from their angle or perspective.

And like I said, another's perspective or opinion doesn't have to agree with my own, sometimes the very fact of another, totally different take will solidify mine.

Ron is totally different. He will just shut down in order to process. "Leave it with me" or "I need to think about that" or "I'm processing" is his approach. It's sometimes frustrating, because I'm the talker, but I've learned that the stuff that WE need to work through as a couple is easier to deal with when I allow him the time and the space for his own process. And then when we finally do get together to talk something through, it flows much better.

So, what's your process? Your partner's? How do you find compatibility between the two?
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I’m with Ron. If I have personal problems, they stay personal. I don’t discuss it with anyone, including my sister. I do see a Therapist every other month just to unload my burdens and we throw things around to come to some kind of conclusion on the best way to fix any situation that may need fixing.

People that know me will often ask me what kind of problems could I possibly have? People have a false belief that if you are financially well off, you couldn’t possibly have any problems. Or they will tell you that the only problem you could have is how to hold onto your money. That’s all a croc.

I’m going through a situation right now that seems to have no end to it in sight. It has been very upsetting.
 
oldman said:
People that know me will often ask me what kind of problems could I possibly have? People have a false belief that if you are
financially well off, you couldn’t possibly have any problems. Or they will tell you that the only problem you could have is how to hold onto your money. That’s all a croc.
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I can certainly relate to that @oldman! Not from personal experience.....I've never been financially well off, never even been comfortable financially. At best I've been able to meet my very simple monthly financial obligations, sometimes even with a few dollars left over!!

I have clients though, who fall somewhere between financially well off and more money than God (private planes, several residences, own banks etc.,) some of whom I've worked with for 20+ years. And I've observed that with more money comes more problems, or at least no lack of them, and often they're the same kinds of problems I've dealt with, just different in magnitude. Money doesn't guarantee successful and healthy interpersonal relationships. It doesn't guarantee common sense decision making. It doesn't guarantee the stock market not falling, having an employer or business partner who embezzles. It doesn't guarantee a faithful spouse, excellent health, or kids without problems. It can sometimes give more leeway in how to solve or move on from those issues, but it does nothing to prevent them from happening.

I'm sorry you're dealing with the situation you're struggling with honey. 💖 I hope it can resolve quickly for you.
 
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Ronni said:
I can certainly relate to that @oldman! Not from personal experience.....I've never been financially well off, never even been comfortable financially. At best I've been able to meet my very simple monthly financial obligations, sometimes even with a few dollars left over!!

I have clients though, who fall somewhere between financially well off and more money than God (private planes, several residences, own banks etc.,) some of whom I've worked for for 20+ years. And I've observed that with more money comes more problems, or at least no lack of them, and often they're the same kinds of problems I've dealt with, just different in magnitude. Money doesn't guarantee successful and healthy interpersonal relationships. It doesn't guarantee common sense decision making. It doesn't guarantee the stock market not falling, having an employer or business partner who embezzles. It doesn't guarantee a faithful spouse, excellent health, or kids without problems. It can sometimes give more leeway in how to solve or move on from those issues, but it does nothing to prevent them from happening.

I'm sorry you're dealing with the situation you're struggling with honey. 💖 I hope it can resolve quickly for you.
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Believe it or not, this issue has been troubling me for going on 14 years now. It’s perplexing and it consumes a lot of my time thinking about it. I really don’t see a fix, but thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I wasn’t going to ask you, but does you husband ever go off by himself to think about whatever is troubling him? I mean, like going away? Like maybe a few hundred or several hundreds of miles away?
 
oldman said:
Believe it or not, this issue has been troubling me for going on 14 years now. It’s perplexing and it consumes a lot of my time thinking about it. I really don’t see a fix, but thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I wasn’t going to ask you, but does you husband ever go off by himself to think about whatever is troubling him? I mean, like going away? Like maybe a few hundred or several hundreds of miles away?
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No, he hasn’t. He might go out to his shop to work, or lie on the bed and watch tv for a bit but that’s it. Mostly though we operate together just like normal while he’s working out whatever in his head. If I didn’t know he was processing something, his general behavior would give no indication.
 
Ronni said:
No, he hasn’t. He might go out to his shop to work, or lie on the bed and watch tv for a bit but that’s it. Mostly though we operate together just like normal while he’s working out whatever in his head. If I didn’t know he was processing something, his general behavior would give no indication.
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Well, good for him. I once had something so intense on my mind that I told my wife I was going for a ride just to think. Five hours and 300 miles later, I was entering North Carolina. Another time, I drove East for 3 1/2 hours and found myself in Atlantic City. Then, there was the time, I had only intended to drive up to the airport and watch the planes takeoff and land. There just so happened to be a United flight going to Chicago, so I got on. (I have free travel.) Six hours later, I flew back home.
 
oldman said:
Well, good for him. I once had something so intense on my mind that I told my wife I was going for a ride just to think. Five hours and 300 miles later, I was entering North Carolina. Another time, I drove East for 3 1/2 hours and found myself in Atlantic City. Then, there was the time, I had only intended to drive up to the airport and watch the planes takeoff and land. There just so happened to be a United flight going to Chicago, so I got on. (I have free travel.) Six hours later, I flew back home.
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You're welcome to come and stay with me!
 
oldman said:
Well, good for him. I once had something so intense on my mind that I told my wife I was going for a ride just to think. Five hours and 300 miles later, I was entering North Carolina. Another time, I drove East for 3 1/2 hours and found myself in Atlantic City. Then, there was the time, I had only intended to drive up to the airport and watch the planes takeoff and land. There just so happened to be a United flight going to Chicago, so I got on. (I have free travel.) Six hours later, I flew back home.
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Wow! I would have been worried sick about you :cry:
I hope the situation is better for you now. Sometimes it takes forever for us to make a decision that results in a solution to a problem. I went through a decade like that myself. Keep strong.
 
Pinky ,You said you would be worried sick. i wouldn't! He's a grown man. You have to let a real man BE a real man! He knows what he needs!
He has to make his own path and WALK his own path! (just my opinion)
 
Gaer said:
Pinky ,You said you would be worried sick. i wouldn't! He's a grown man. You have to let a real man BE a real man!
He has to make his own path and WALK his own path! (just my opinion)
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I respect your opinion. I'm certainly not going to argue my point over the internet, Gaer.
 
Pinky said:
Wow! I would have been worried sick about you :cry:
I hope the situation is better for you now. Sometimes it takes forever for us to make a decision that results in a solution to a problem. I went through a decade like that myself. Keep strong.
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I call home after I get to where a I’m going. My wife has come to expect the unknown with me. Sometimes, I just need to escape. I feel like the walls are closing in and this damn pandemic hasn’t helped.
 
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