How is that our kids lose respect for us as we age?

PeppermintPatty said:
Ok I’m going to do an overshare here.
The reasons you just described are the reasons I didn’t want to have children.
While being a parent doesn’t come with a manual, I think that all parents should at least want the children. Getting pregnant doesn’t instantly make anyone a parent. Putting the work and effort into being the best person you can be while caring for another dependent human being does and not everyone qualifies.
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Unfortunately with my mother being an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (diagnosed or not, I know that's what she was) in her mind she was nothing but a good mother, which she could be. Her abuse, rages, threats, manipulations and violence however were discarded by her brain, once the episode was over, while I have to remember. She died believing she was nothing but a good person and mother while I call myself a POS and bad person every day. This is typical for a borderline.
 

Remy said:
Unfortunately with my mother being an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (diagnosed or not, I know that's what she was) in her mind she was nothing but a good mother, which she could be. Her abuse, rages, threats, manipulations and violence however were discarded by her brain, once the episode was over, while I have to remember. She died believing she was nothing but a good person and mother while I call myself a POS and bad person every day. This is typical for a borderline.
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That’s truly a shame.
I think people back then didn’t know these disorders even existed. There were wars going on and many had to face a lot of adversity. Mental illness is still a new concept considering. Not long before that anyone thought to have any type of mental dysfunction were burned to a stake.

I’d think that there were many undiagnosed mental disorders back then and to be honest I can understand not wanting to get checked out back then even if you were aware of it. Lol

Not suggesting you’re ‘that’ old either.
Lack of parenting has a huge impact on children’s lives. I hope you are doing well and happy with your life choices. Not everyone’s cut out for parenthood. It’s a good thing to know in advance.
 
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It wasn't always like that. I respected or showed respect to most of the adults that I would pass on the street or knew.
 

They don't, at least in our case. The old saying "You reap what you sow", holds true in many cases. We receive the greatest level of love and respect that one could expect. Same with the grandkids and greatgrands. Our kids are in their 60's now.
Our family IS our life and I wouldn't have it any other way. All of our old friends have passed on and meeting new folks is not on our platter.
 
C50 said:
You're no longer speaking with adolescents, your daughters are grown adults with their own philosophies.

I haven't had an argument with either of my kids in many years. Once they moved out I stopped trying to influence them, I may offer an opinion but accept they won't agree. I also accept I won't agree with all their philosophies or actions.

The second a voice gets raised stop talking, say it's not something to argue about, then move on to something else.
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Even when my kids were young and still at home i encouraged them to express their opinions even if different from mine, and to question why/how i formed my opinions. Much as my Dad did with me, i taught them to have civil discussions of differences of opinions. And the importance of asking relevant questions and actually listening to the answers. Now they're all grown. my GenX guys live in other states and my daughter lives with me.

While i defer to my son in disciplining his now teen son when they visit, there is also a certain level of Grandma's house, her rules. One of the few things i'll interfere with is Grandson disrespecting his father in my presence. Autism or no, he is articulate enough and smart enough to understand we are all accountable for our words/deeds. He sometimes forgets between their yearly visits (in part because his Mom tends to use his autism as an excuse to make little effort to discipline---tho she will yell at him when she hits her limit of patience. (And that is too much like my Mom for me---her response depending on mood not child's behavior.)

They each had one year (age 13 which meant a double dose of it with the twins, tho their single born sister was worse than both put together when she hit that age) when they were particularly obnoxious, argumentative rather than able to 'discuss' things. After that 'arguments' were rare. Discussions more common and still are.
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Whenever this topic of 'how awful kids today are' comes up, as it has since throughout my whole life in various settings, i have ask folks--'And who raised them?' . Of course some people will insist their kids are fine---everyone's else's are the problem. (Often those young'uns are the ones i have some issues with tho.) Kids learn things like basic manners, courtesy and civil discussions best by example---by their parents modeling those things with other adults and with them and other younger people. How adults in general treat them matters too.

When my kids were young they often held doors for older adults at stores---care to guess how many thanked them, even gave a nod of acknowledgement to them? (1 in 25 at most, maybe) not to mention the number of people who would cut in front of them on lines at say deli counter. (They liked to help me shop, i was also teaching them to comparison shop by age 10) but it had to be prepackaged stuff because of how adults treated them at deli counter. So i don't want to hear how 'awful the young folks are'.

What's interesting is i rarely have unpleasant encounters with young folks, even counter culture types. But then i treat everyone with basic 'fellow human' respect/courtesy until/unless they behave badly.
 
MarkinPhx said:
I am sure this question has been asked from every past generation. When I hit a certain age I was very good at "listening" to my parents and dismissing what they said minutes later. Of course that changed when I got older and it dawned on me that perhaps their insight is valuable.
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There are quotes from scholars going at least as far back as Socrates, bemoaning the awful behavior of younger generations, so what you put in bold is 'for sure'.
 
hearlady said:
That sounds great! You gave me an idea. I've created a group just for my children, their spouses, and hope to add grandchildren as they grow on Facebook. None of us are big facebookers but they look at it. I think I'll post things I'm doing, activities, things of interest. I could do this by text I guess, but for some reason this sounds better. Hopefully, likely, they'll participate and it be a way to connect through their busy lives.
A better use of Facebook than just looking at cute kitties.
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Yes, I use Facebook to communicate with close family. I even created subgroups for the grandchildren where we can plot against their parents (in the nicest possible ways such as birthday surprises etc). We share photos and invitations to events. I can use Messenger to send group messages.

Our eldest grandchild has an intellectual disability and needs a lot of affirmation. She uses FB a lot and I can see what is going on in her life. A like or positive response from G'ma means a lot to her.
 
If they were raised right, they shouldn't exhibit disrespectful ways to their elders. But..that is not always the case, so this is not to knock your parenting. I hear young people now cursing at their parents and doing worse. I wish I would have done that with my parents. I'd be picking myself up from under the table! And my parents were not abusers. I just always knew there were lines I'd better not cross. My son gives me my due respect, we have a wonderful, loving, fun relationship. But he claims he's (still) afraid of me, as relayed to others (in front of me BTW).
My grandchildren are also very respectful. Also, I'm happy to say that all of the young people (now middle aged) my son grew up with in our complex remain respectful and helpful.
 
NorthernLight said:
Aspects of my childhood were micromanaged, and I was raised to be obedient. I never learned necessary skills like negotiation or standing up for myself.

I raised my daughter to be the opposite, mostly by letting her figure things out for herself. She's done well in life. Now she regards me as a flake and a loser. Compared to her, I am.

Fair enough, I guess.
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I was also raised to be obedient. I raised my two kids with much more communication between us than my parents did with me. You certainly don't sound like a flake and a loser to me! I hope your daughter sends more love your way, you deserve it.
 
Mr. Ed said:
perhaps in some peoples eye we don't deserve respect. Much of the lack of respect coms from the actions of many of whom we are categorized with.
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True:

"Geriatrician William H. Thomas...[has said], 'Elders have long spoken for the Earth, its living creatures, and the children who are yet to be born.'...Let us consider those elders who have 'long spoken for Earth.' I guess Thomas isn’t talking about old men who made their fortunes from strip mining, logging, or dumping industrial waste into rivers and who are trying to hang on to every dollar they have acquired from despoiling the natural world."

~~from Never Say Die: The Myth and Marketing of the New Old Age by Susan Jacoby

I'll tell ya, I'm not looking forward to the nursing home and how the staff might well feel justified in treating me as a selfish old boomer.
 
When your kids become senior citizens they can become downright dangerous. If you fall in your home or become a victim of a scammer, they can move you to a nursing home and sell your house. However when they fall in their homes or become a victim of scammers, no one removes them from their homes. The elderly need to unite against the actions of senior citizens.
 
TabbyAnn said:
When your kids become senior citizens they can become downright dangerous. If you fall in your home or become a victim of a scammer, they can move you to a nursing home and sell your house. However when they fall in their homes or become a victim of scammers, no one removes them from their homes. The elderly need to unite against the actions of senior citizens.
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Luckily my boys are awesome and totally supportive and help me. Of course some people are unscrupulous.
 
My oldest 'child' is now 53 the two others are 47 and 45 respectively. I do not lecture them or tell them what they should do, unless they ask for advice, even then I am guarded.

Since they left home and got their own lives going, I would discuss things with them, but only as a point of reference as what I thought. They always knew they could consider it or not. We have never had any kind of disagreements with them or any of their kids, our grandkids...I was also careful to never say anything to them in front of their spouse that would possibly be uncomfortable for them or the spouse.

So far so good...
 
Back when, elders were mentors for juniors. Since the explosion of the digital age, juniors have become mentors to the elders. Generally, it is easier to blow off the elders than bother mentoring.

Entrance of computers into society and the resulting digital fire hose of accelerating technological changes have far outstripped the ability of society in general to keep pace. Ergo, an interruption of the natural transition of knowledge from senior to junior.
 
What can be said is that those of us with children who come to treat us as though we have no feelings, we may still have succeeded as people and parents if our children do well in life.

Its obviously very difficult to have to live with vilification (or whatever it might be any of us might be forced to endure), but surely its worse should we feel our children are people we wouldn't have liked anyway.

My Godmother told my mother that she had to look for "other" qualities in some of her children, and build on those. This was if the child wasn't easy to engage with, or whatever it might be, as some children perhaps are, (so there is that way of managing things).
 
We live in a woke society. Next time you see a riot or a community being attacked, or any type of demonstration in front of someone’s house or in the street, look close to see who the majority is leading the charge. Young, woke college students or just younger woke insignificants that probably doesn’t have and maybe never had a job.

What would you do if someone stuck an AK-47 in your faces?

Man Found Guilty
 

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