Okay, I got over myself.
Yesterday was horrible, but not for reasons I thought it would be. While watching my beloved Young & Restless CBS conks out! Static, broken picture, in and out voices! On all three TVs!!!!!!!!!!!! Luckily, it was a 'bridge' day----went back to regular stuff, Sharon 'murdering' Heather was not on the menu, thank goodness!
I call my cable co., Optimum. They put me with a robot. For 40 minutes! I'm crazed by the time I speak to a human. I won't go into details, too anxiety ridden. Can't relive it. Long story short, tech cable guy coming today. Today, 8am-11am.
Then, get phone call from GP's office. Doctor setting up unscheduled TeleHealth appt. for today. Seems he MUST speak with me about blood results from last week. Uh oh. Today, at noon. Put this in back of mind. Don't need more worry & anxiety. Back of mind.
But the worst, the very worst. I was looking for two suit jackets I want to wear. I have the skirts, won't wear those, but want the jackets. Saw two suitcases in clothes closet. Tried to pick them up. Couldn't. Lost all strength I had when I put them in closet decades ago. Managed. Almost fell over backwards from the weight.
Almost fall. Must avoid falls. First suitcase filled to brim with mother's papers & other items. I forgot I had them. Second suitcase: Remembered contents as I'm still looking for my jackets.......my mother's suitcase from her trip to Miami Beach.......where she was KILLED, my poor mother. Opened suitcase. THE SMELL, THE AROMA, THE SCENT!!!!!!!!!! My Mother! Filled with stuff she had worn. All these years, the smell of her intact. I Reeled with Intense Grief! As I write this, I have a stabbing pain in my heart!
Bad day yesterday. Started out bad, bad all day. I must rid contents of suitcases so son does not have to do it when I die.
Didn't find my jackets. Wonder where they are? Why would I have thrown them out, they are gorgeous! Must find.
The spectre of throwing out mother's clothes & smelling her scares me to ......... somewhere dark. Took me years to empty her closet while it still smelled like her. Suitcases now under my bed. Dragged them. So weak, I've become so weak.
Must get ready for cable guy. Takes me a long time to get ready these days.
It is very difficult for me to type. My hands shake unbearably. Hard to type. Hard to speak. Hard, life has become hard.
I guess I gave enough details, huh?