How long can someone be in deep mourning for a loved one?

[Cookie]

Agree, Fur. The ability to cry helps the healing process. A friend of mine who lost her son two months ago has still not cried, she tells me. Makes me wonder what is going on there. Maybe the grief is so strong that she 'can't feel it' (a coping mechanism?).

 

[fureverywhere]

Thank you Shalimar...I did an internship at a nursing home and heard so very many stories. My best was with the dementia patients. So many people think oh you have to get them " back to reality". No, if the president is FDR to them, that's fine. That is their reality. Same with grief, whatever you feel is what's right for you.

 

[SifuPhil]

... Same with grief, whatever you feel is what's right for you.

I disagree.

If I like how I feel doing crystal meth, that doesn't necessarily mean it's right for me.

If I feel there's a midget wearing leather chaps following me wherever I go, that isn't necessarily healthy.

We can so often convince ourselves that whatever we're experiencing is "right", but it ain't necessarily so ...

 

[QuickSilver]

No, it isn't, but at some point you have to realize that your grief is only destroying you and those you care for.

Like I always say, loss is forever but grief temporary.

Some "experts" claim that "normal" grief should last no longer than 6 months. Beyond that, it's considered a chronic depressive issue and needs therapeutic intervention.

I agree... I believe there is a point when you "get over it" for lack of a better phrase.. Or perhaps put it in the past tucked away nicely and then you get on with your life... You learn that it's possible to live again and yes.. to love again.. That is very true.. No one wants to be miserable for the rest of their lives.. There comes a time to move on and live again. I feel very sorry for those that are unable to do so..

 

[Shalimar]

Hmmm. Providing the grieving person is not locked into substance abuse, self harm, shopaholica, etc. I think given time, and support, they will find their way through. I have a large pink plastic bat. It has been a sanity savior more than once. Beating

the hell out of my long suffering bed, while crying my eyes out, helped as much if not more than the traditional tools for dealing with horrendous loss. Going to remote locations and yelling at the ocean helped also. Who knew I had such a varied

vocabulary? I used to write notes and burn them also. Some were angry, others loving. I think my cats have been my most effective therapists to date.

 

[SifuPhil]

I agree... I believe there is a point when you "get over it" for lack of a better phrase.. Or perhaps put it in the past tucked away nicely and then you get on with your life... You learn that it's possible to live again and yes.. to love again.. That is very true.. No one wants to be miserable for the rest of their lives.. There comes a time to move on and live again. I feel very sorry for those that are unable to do so..

Nicely put. :encouragement:

 

[Underock1]

I don't know about others, but for me there is no getting "over" it, and if anybody was ever so insensitive as to suggest to me that it was time I got "over" it, they'd get more than just the stink eye.

As time goes on, it gets easier to bear, but the deaths of my son and then my husband left holes in my heart that won't ever heal.

I lost my son a year ago July and my wife after 58 years this March. I feel for you, Georgia. I try not to " get over it". All I have left of them are my memories. Those are far more precious to me than sitting with a crowd of people and listening to small talk about things that no longer have any meaning. No. I don't sit around weeping all day. As you say, it does get better. I still have one son and two grandsons. Enjoying their happiness via FB makes me happy. The world is a fascinating place. I stay interested in the latest scientific discoveries. Life is bearable, but if I failed to wake up tomorrow it would be no great tragedy.

 

[SifuPhil]

... I think my cats have been my most effective therapists to date.

Even though we've only "known" each other a relatively short time, Mao knows when I need cheering up, whether it's his invitation to play with him or just a friendly blink and head bump. He somehow knows when I'm in physical pain, as he'll come and drape himself over the afflicted area - his diagnostic skills are second to none.

I'm slowly learning how to read his moods as well, so hopefully I can return the favors someday.

 

[SeaBreeze]

She'll "get over it" when and if she pleases, it's no one else's business.

I agree completely Jim. There was a guy at work whose wife passed away, and within a short period of time he was dating again, met someone special and actually remarried.

You wouldn't believe the critical and judgmental comments coming out of the mouths of some in the gossip circles, some even so bold to make a sarcastic passive-aggressive comment to his face.

He talked to me privately about his wife's passing, and how he felt hurt by some of the other employees' comments. I told him how I felt, and I told others there too. He had the absolute right to grieve in whatever manner he chose, and didn't have to live up to any other people's expectations or give any excuses. I was very sorry for his loss, and his grief period was personal to him and nobody else's business.

No, it isn't, but at some point you have to realize that your grief is only destroying you and those you care for.

Well, in this case it's not a close loved one, just a old classmate who wants to drag her out to Christmas gatherings, without respecting her grief and criticizing her wishes.

 

[SifuPhil]

Well, in this case it's not a close loved one, just a old classmate who wants to drag her out to Christmas gatherings, without respecting her grief and criticizing her wishes.

Well, those "outsiders" ... you know how THEY can be!

That's why, on one level, I believe that you have to remain - and intrinsically are - strong during your grief, if only for self-defense.

 

[fureverywhere]

Philly you have got to show me how to Photo Shop some day. I love your avatars, as so many folks here do. I offer two grief exercises that's have been helpful to me.

One is from my Dad. That our lives are basically book volumes. When we get to some chapters, some people might not be in there anymore. But as long as we are alive we keep creating new volumes. We're free to back and read the old books. But you can't rewrite them. Possibly one of the hardest things to accept. But as long as you choose life you have to create new chapters.

The other is from a counselor. Everyone close their eyes. Okay pick up your grief. Be specific about what it is. If you miss your dog and your husband that's two different things. Kind of imaginary boxes in an imaginary closet. They're always with you...but the boxes needn't be in the living room. You can have your closet where each thing has a box. You can go in and open them. Then close the door and let them stay while you live a life. I have two estranged girls. It rips your heart to shreds. But there are two toddlers in my "boxes" and I can remember them there.

Hope it helps someone.

 

[grannyjo]

I've been in the process of grieving for most of this year. I have lost a sister, a brother in law, a cousin and right now, my only surviving sister, who has been suffering with Alzheimer's has been admitted to hospital with pneumonia, her kidneys are shutting down, her heart seems to be troubled and they believe she has had a stroke.

As the youngest of 13 children, I have to accept that most, if not all of my brothers and sisters will go before me.

I am accepting of this, and although I grieve for them, I do not dwell on their passing.

They have lived their lives, as I have lived mine.

We all must pass that final portal.

 

[fureverywhere]

Well put GrannyJo, my Dad has asked me to go to PA for the holidays. Long distant relatives in such bad shape...me and hubby could go out and cut a rug in comparison...yeah that's them and this is us. You have to let it go.

 

[Mrs. Robinson]

A friend just posted this on FB. She lost her husband,the love of her life,two years ago. He was a police officer and took his own life as he was an alcoholic and was unable to stop drinking. She struggles every day,with guilt,because she actually divorced him the year before. She did that to protect their assets for their children,but they still lived as husband and wife. Anyway,she posted this,written by Richard Gere....

Richard Gere's words ~ Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence.When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this i...s also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the Good moments spent with them."

 

[AprilSun]

If you do, they aren't real friends. Better off without them. I did join a grief support group, it helps to talk to others that can relate. You might have to try a few before you find the right one for you. Might even find a new friend. Does anyone know of an online forum/message board for widows and widowers? NO,NOT A DATING SITE!!!! Just to share experiences, perhaps things that have helped for them, etc.

Yes, I would go to an online forum for widows/widowers at: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Widows-Widowers/support-group when my husband passed away and it helped me so much.
As others have mentioned, you don't "get over it" you just learn to live with it. Another reason this person may not go to functions, etc. could be because she doesn't like going alone. I have talked with other widows that refuse to go to functions for this very reason. Plus, they say it just makes the house seem lonelier when they return home. It's been almost 3 years since I lost my husband and I still miss him but I do get out just not as much as I did before.

 

[Karen99]

A friend just posted this on FB. She lost her husband,the love of her life,two years ago. He was a police officer and took his own life as he was an alcoholic and was unable to stop drinking. She struggles every day,with guilt,because she actually divorced him the year before. She did that to protect their assets for their children,but they still lived as husband and wife. Anyway,she posted this,written by Richard Gere....

Richard Gere's words ~ Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence.When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this i...s also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the Good moments spent with them."

Mrs. Robinson, I love that comment on grief. It rings true. When you lose someone who means the world to you...your life kind of shatters. It seems like everything slows down and yet you just keep on going. Back and forth to work. Home to cook. But it takes time not to expect those calls...not to hear that voice, look into eyes that loved you. Yet you learn the big truth About life...it goes on. It's never the same. How can it be..they are gone. Life bends and twists and flows along no matter what..there is no pause button.

i think all we can do is keep on..cause we're all the walking wounded in one way or another. I realize we either get up and keep walking and have faith the sun is still shining somewhere...or just close up and die. I hope I can always find that spark in me that loves life...and all that goes with it..so dearly. It's good to keep loving..even a dog or cat..it connects us to what we need?

People we love are truly part of us forever...and eventually you can remember that beautiful smile without dissolving into a puddle of pain...but you never ever stop missing them.

 

[Shalimar]

Ooh, naked truth on the forum. Wow. Therapy for the therapissed. Thank you all so much for the rawness and honesty you have shared on this thread. My heart is full--and a bit wobbly, lol. I am writing much of this down to take to work with me.

Eek, what openess this will engender. Good healing tears when needed also. Wish some of you lived close--I would ask that you speak to a group of my clients, who would welcome your wisdom in dealing with loss. They would applaud your candour and courage, as do I. Salut!

 

[Shalimar]

I am reminded that even in the depths of pain we learn, sometimes even unknowingly we pass on that knowledge to those who cannot see beyond their sorrow at this time. Truly we are all connected, a chain of hands. Also, thank you for the gift of

teaching me today. Mes Amis, I am grateful. Never underestimate the impact of your wisdom.

 

[fureverywhere]

There is a difference too in who you are grieving. Our children no matter estranged or actually dead. My Dad, hey I could say he lived a full life. He's still here but know his decades are numbered. But a child is a grief I don't feel you ever make peace with.

 

[Butterfly]

Too much grief spoils getting on with your life. One can't mope all the time....you may lose friends.

Hey, Falcon -- I'm not moping, I just don't feel very celebratory this year -- probably because of what was going on at Christmas last year. I'd also add that Christmas isn't one of my better times most years. So much of it feels artificial and forced. Anyway, I'm carrying on and moving forward and all, and not weeping in my closet or anything, just don't feel very "Christmas-y."

 

[SifuPhil]

Hey, Falcon -- I'm not moping, I just don't feel very celebratory this year -- probably because of what was going on at Christmas last year. I'd also add that Christmas isn't one of my better times most years. So much of it feels artificial and forced. Anyway, I'm carrying on and moving forward and all, and not weeping in my closet or anything, just don't feel very "Christmas-y."

The problem as always is the media.

They portray every living person as being infused with Christmas cheer, running around with sparkles in their eyes and attending giant family functions with 20' trees decorated in gold and half the GNP of presents beneath. It's implied (and expected) that you cook and decorate like Martha Stewart, have more friends than George Bailey and your heart will grow bigger like the Grinch.

If you listen to this crap you feel less than perfect - less than human - if you experience Christmas any other way. We're indoctrinated from youth - brainwashed, actually - that there has to be snow coming down and carolers singing outside our door while angels are heard on high.

Some people can resist this marketing and find comfort in the religious aspects of the holiday. Some totally shun it, but again experience that little voice in their head that they HAVE to be of good cheer. Others seem to enjoy becoming frenzied in the build-up to Christmas, running around like headless chickens buying everything in sight and decorating until their house looks like the work of a blind interior decorator.

Everyone is different, granted, but I believe that those who cannot celebrate for whatever reason, and that usually do, are hit the hardest.

That's one of the reasons I've learned not to celebrate.

 

[oldman]

Grief can last a lifetime.

You hit the nail on the head. I am still grieving over the loss of my mom and dad, but just not to the point where it is affecting my day to day routine. I know one's spouse is supposed to be their closest ally and friend, but my parents, well, there has been no other person or persons like them. They stood by me through thick and thin, even when I was in trouble with the law as a juvenile. There love was unconditional. My dad died in a fire suddenly and I have mourned for him ever since. My mom, natural causes at age 87, but it doesn't make it any easier. They are the root cause of my seasonal depression.

 

[Linda]

And what is "deep grief"? I think the OP asked about "deep grief". I often think I am doing fine but then all at once I'll start to cry and sometimes for no reason. A few months ago I joined an online group that posts jokes and cartoons and that's all its for. I made it a rule I have to laugh at lest once each day so that's what did it for me. Probably a lot of people who know me think I'm doing great and in some ways I am. About a week before our son died I found out that he too, loved old black and white Humphrey Bogart movies like I do. My husband doesn't care for him and I enjoy watching something with someone who likes it as much as I do. So my son and I decided we'd find all the old Bogart movies and have a Bogart marathon. A month or so after he died I found a DVD of one of his movies at Wal-mart and I put it in my cart and started to walk off, then I remembered.....so I just put it back on the shelf. Some day I will buy them all and watch them but not yet.

I understand grief clearer now than I used to. Something my daughter posted on Facebook this evening was so sweet I started to wake my husband up and tell him (he's used to me waking him up and telling him things but then I started to cry and I knew I couldn't talk so I just let it go. This wouldn't have touched my heart a year ago, like it does now. She took her dog Shaun to the vet this evening because he had an ear infection and this is part of what she wrote:
"I love that 24 hour emergency vet. Today when we arrived they were doing CPR on a dog that eventually died. The dog's dad was sitting sadly on the bench, and Shaun went over to him and wagged his tail and leaned against him for a little while. It was really sweet." I hope I've become more like Shaun the pug. Note added: I went back and looked and it was "deep mourning, not deep grief" --- but it's the same thing to me.

 

[Shalimar]

Thank you for the insight Linda.

 

[Karen99]

Linda, I loved that about the dog. It brought tears to my eyes. We had to put down our dog after 16 years ..and that was over three years ago. It was brutal. i had a hard time with that grief. I got that dog a year before my dad died and he just loved her. I think losing her was somehow linked to losing my dad. I still miss her even though I dearly love the new dog.

Anyway..that dog leaning against the sad man was just beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Linda..I'm so sorry you lost your son. Hugs.