How Much Slack To A Disabled Person Who Treats People Like Crap

W

WhatInThe

SF VIP
Long winded rant/diatribe alert.

Have been dealing with a friend of the family who has been disabled for decades and always had an upity attitude and not always the friendliest person but was helped and tolerated because of their disability. I get there might be some extra frustration. BUT that is not an excuse for berating, lecturing, admonishing and/or micro managing people. Their remaining family already abandoned them for all intensive purposes for stated reasons and even wondered why or how we tolerated them.

They get a picture in their mind of the way things should go, not just their end goal but if things don't go their way or as expected including other people's reactions & attitudes they go off like a rocket. For every one word that you speak 10 comes out their mouth. I've already told others if nothing else I'm going to be honest with this person.

To make matters worse they really need help now and must undo or live with the consequences of their own doing. That includes hoarding and their false sense of independence-they took a lot of favors and assistance for granted failing to take in account they got many of them because of their disability and more recently being a senior. Prime example they brag how stores let THEM use their telephone like they are special or it's common practice-no they see a cane & gray hair. Most stores have strict policies on phone usage-just one example. They constantly try to befriend new tenants in their apt complex to help but over time even they tire or move on.

They did come from money or the good part of town in which they deny but when but when daddy has boats, a plane, pilot license along with time & money to travel-extensively, they had money. An upity attitude if nothing else has always been there but now it's down right nasty and pretentious.

I always thought and saw that many long term disabled people wanted independence and be treated like everyone else. No one minds doing favors or being courteous but that should be reserved for a person asks, tolerates and earns respect rather than demands special treatment.

How much slack should a handicapped or disabled person get before NOT caving into their demands and mistreatment of others.
 

IMO it has to start with you and what, if anything, you feel comfortable doing for this person. You can control the situation by remaining calm, listening to what they want/need and then deciding for yourself what you can reasonably offer on a case by case basis. Offer to do what you feel is right and if that doesn't work for them, wish them well and move on. Don't let them manipulate you or push your buttons!!!

When the going gets tough stop by SF and vent.

Good luck!
 
A disabled person does not get a 'pass' to be demanding or ill mannered. The only thing they got coming is to be treated like any other person.

If they want help, fine. If they don't want help, that's fine too. If they want to feel sorry for themselves, that's understandable, but is no excuse to be upity to those around them.
 

I agree with Tnthomas, they shouldn't use their disability to manipulate people or be nasty to them. They don't get a free pass in my opinion. My advice to you WhatInThe is to follow your thought you mentioned in your OP, just be honest with that person and see where that leads. It sounds like you're being used, but worst of all it sounds like this is a very toxic person who is affecting your mood and happiness. Don't dismiss your own part in this thing, who is thinking of you? If what you say is true about them being well off, then they can pay someone to put up with their abusive attitude.
 
Dealing with a person that is ungrateful that is only a friend of the family begs the question why? There is no obligation to tolerate the kind of attitude you described. There was this {I've already told others if nothing else I'm going to be honest with this person.}

Honesty works. Although since this "they" came from wealth and may still have assets of value. Being a friend may get you mentioned in a will. But being honest may cost you. Other than that potential the "they" you described why bother?
 
Thank You all for your input.

I continue help out mostly because others have requested I help out. I'm doing it just as much for others at this point.

The frustrating thing is that many have offered help but they say working at being independent is more important than getting things done. But they complain or rant about their incomplete projects and/or unaccomplished goals. And it's never their fault, they are always the victim. And yet they have little hesitation asking strangers or a neighbor they have contact with a few times a year for help.

But in the end it appears honesty is the best policy even if it's simply showing disdain or consternation at other's request & ramblings.
 
Over 35 years in the field of working with and assisting folks with disabilities, I have come across my share of folks who felt they needed special consideration as a form of entitlement, due to their disability. And yes, there were times I stood up and told the people to get over themselves. In about 98% of the people I have met, their disability does not give them a pass to act rudely or wrong toward people. I did once work with a guy with Aspergers who I sometimes gave a pass too, because of his lack of social skills. But I also used the opportunities to remind him of the right way to act.
 
I dealt with this issue with a family member several years ago. He was angry at the entire world, and very much resented the fact that others could walk and he could no longer do so, and he felt that the universe somehow "owed him." He berated and belittled, mocked, scolded and embarrassed everyone who came near him. He became loud, rude and hateful to everyone, including store clerks, medical personnel, neighbors, and everyone else. He eventually destroyed his relationships with the family and even his grown children would no longer have anything to do with him. After a particularly loud and ugly scene he created at church one Sunday they just said "we're done." So did I.
 
Our boy was born with severe birth defects. Taking care and raising him was touch and go, and a learning process for us. One thing we learned is we had to not let him take advantage of us. Sometimes it would get ugly, but we had to be firm. Otherwise he would learn he could get his way when he wanted it.

Don't get me wrong, he was a beautiful/funny spirit. But sometimes it would go bad.
 
If I was helping some person who was disabled and they berated me constantly, I'd quit. Short of dragging their nasty carcass out of a burning building, I wouldn't bother with them again. By helping them even when they are rotten, you're teaching them that they are allowed to abuse you.

In your case, if you are a strong enough personality, the next time they ask for some help from you, I'd preface it with a warning, 'that from here on in, you will treat me with respect and consideration or I won't come back'. Then you've placed the ball firmly in their court and they get to decide if they ever want help from you again. And then tough love my dear, if they blow it and tear a strip off you for any reason, leave and don't go back.
 
I'm a big believer in honest discussion. I'd sit across from this person and remind them of how their attitude affects others. I'd assure him that he'll get much better results being nicer whether he feels like it or not. He's not in a position to rub help the wrong way so get with the program and see how much more pleasant his life can be. If he doesn't want to try being more likable then he'll suffer the consequences. Granted he might be angry, sad, depressed or whatever about his dependence on others, but he could be more enjoyable to be around if he tries. A Little understanding in a calm voice could give him something to think about without his getting riled about it.
 
Butterfly said:
In the case of my family member, he had had a lot of counseling early on, none of which did any good.
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This person did some civilian volunteering in hospitals 50 years ago and assume they know it all when it comes to medical or social issues using that handy 50 year old experience. You simply can't tell them anything nor do they listen.

Basically if you ever saw an episode of hoarders and how people refuse to give up things that's them-they've had several warnings over the years to clean up AND offers to thoroughly clean up and organize for them. I tell people without a major clean out and reorganization we're doing nothing but enabling at this point. The small clean ups barely make a dent and become a mess shortly after. They've been telling people for decades they normally don't live that way but they have.
 
I'm sorry you're in this spot. I try to be a "nice" person and help people out...which has caused me a lot of distress over the years. I'm working hard on setting boundaries and not letting people take advantage of me or treat me poorly. It's hard to do the first few times, but I've found that when I stick to my guns, the person either starts treating me nicer or moves on to taking advantage and abusing the next "nice person" they get their claws into. In the end, being an enabler doesn't help the other person improve their situation. Good luck!
 
My older sister is facing a similar situation. Her son had a Spinal Stroke when he was 39yrs old. His wife walked out on him and so taking care of him became my sisters . He is paralyzed from the chest down. He is 50 now and my sister is 74yrs old. He screams and yells at her all the time. He complains that she is old and can't hear good, and forgets where she puts things. He takes no responsibility for what he does wrong. He always says he is sorrow but then 5 minutes later he does it again. His 2 sisters and brothers have stopped talking to him because of his anger. All these years he has never once hollered at me or my husband. I keep telling my sister to use tough love, but she can't. I get upset every day for what she goes through. Her health isn't good and something needs to be done. I wish she would take my advice and stop letting him get away with the disrespect he shows her.
 
I don't think you said exactly what the disability was or if the rude behavior is related to a specific disability.

If you're talking strictly about physical disabilities, blindness, some type of paralysis, or some debilitating disease, I'll give you a little slack but not much.
Being in a wheel chair, or being somehow physically disabled doesn't give you a pass to be rude, obnoxious, demanding, etc.


If the negative attitude was caused by something like a stroke or Alzheimer's disease, this person is no longer the same person he/she used to be.
But it doesn't sound like that's the issue here.
 
Steve LS said:
I don't think you said exactly what the disability was or if the rude behavior is related to a specific disability.

If you're talking strictly about physical disabilities, blindness, some type of paralysis, or some debilitating disease, I'll give you a little slack but not much.
Being in a wheel chair, or being somehow physically disabled doesn't give you a pass to be rude, obnoxious, demanding, etc.


If the negative attitude was caused by something like a stroke or Alzheimer's disease, this person is no longer the same person he/she used to be.
But it doesn't sound like that's the issue here.
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They've had leg issues since childhood and have developed back & joint issues over the decades. Mobility is their big problem now, actually has been. Poor mobility makes it harder to clean, maintain,shop etc. Their rude behavior is obnoxiousness, arrogance and micro managing every LITTLE thing you do for them. They are also hypocritical trying to tell people they are still independent but refuse their help and ask strangers to do things like carry groceries from the car or some household chores. When they're in a jam guess who they call and can count on-and it's not strangers.

And since they are basically a hoarder at this point minus official diagnosis a thorough clean out and reorganization is needed rather get a frantic call a few days or night before a visit or inspection from somebody. Their refusal for a full fledged clean up & reorganization is costing everyone. And they have to gaul to rationalize conditions AND last but not least blame it on others. They're blaming the hoarding conditions on the way the movers placed their stuff-25 years ago! (Along with everyone else-they play dumb-I didn't put it there-NO you told others to put it there or you threw, kicked, nudged it there)
 
WhatInThe said:
They've had leg issues since childhood and have developed back & joint issues over the decades. Mobility is their big problem now, actually has been. Poor mobility makes it harder to clean, maintain,shop etc. Their rude behavior is obnoxiousness, arrogance and micro managing every LITTLE thing you do for them. They are also hypocritical trying to tell people they are still independent but refuse their help and ask strangers to do things like carry groceries from the car or some household chores. When they're in a jam guess who they call and can count on-and it's not strangers.

And since they are basically a hoarder at this point minus official diagnosis a thorough clean out and reorganization is needed rather get a frantic call a few days or night before a visit or inspection from somebody. Their refusal for a full fledged clean up & reorganization is costing everyone. And they have to gaul to rationalize conditions AND last but not least blame it on others. They're blaming the hoarding conditions on the way the movers placed their stuff-25 years ago! (Along with everyone else-they play dumb-I didn't put it there-NO you told others to put it there or you threw, kicked, nudged it there)
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Disabled or not, no one has the right to behave like a high chair tyrant. By all means be honest with him. If he is being a jerk, he needs to be told.
 
Shalimar said:
Disabled or not, no one has the right to behave like a high chair tyrant. By all means be honest with him. If he is being a jerk, he needs to be told.
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I totally agree. I finally have reached the point in my life when I realize that drama is addictive as heroin. Drama seekers are drawn to it like an addict to their drug. I think people (handicapped or not) who treat others like garbage are drama seekers in a way. They want the control they get over others by being nasty because non-nasty people don't usually deal with another person's nastiness directly. We sort of pretend it's not so bad, make excuses for their behavior, etc. And, I think they enjoy the turmoil/drama they cause because it's exciting to them. It's their high.

I am working very hard to remove people like this from my life because, honestly, who needs them? AND, we're actually doing them harm letting them think they can be nasty because soon enough EVERYBODY is going to be on to them and they'll be totally alone and maybe really need something!
 

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