Hurdle for son to overcome

I would say offering lots and lots of emotional encouragement, but not with money or co-signing anything. I hope your son is in AA and maintaining his sobriety above anything else. I mean it wouldn't hurt to point out some apartments " Hi, I was just looking at the ads and did you see place A and B? Maybe you want to go out and take a look?". Co-signing would put pressure on both of you, a sense of obligation...But just helping in any other ways you can might be very good.
 
Why did you delete this thread so quickly? Some of us like to read a post and then take time to digest our reply before posting it. I seldom give a response to a question that may be about a personal issue.

Try it again.
 

Thanks... but I changed my mind.. the issue is too sensitive for me and after putting it out there I decided to remove it.. I will figure it out..

If anyone read it and wants to PM me with their response, that would be fine.
 
Definitely not a lack of interest here, just overwhelming feeling of empathy and a need to think and not wanting to offer suggestion of little help or comfort. I however, do understand the feeling over sharing and deciding the matter is better dealt with more privately for ones own comfort level. I can only imagine how you must be feeling having to deal with what you and your family are going through.
 
Sorry Quicksilver, I didn't see your post this morning, so I have no idea what the problem is. I hope your son is okay.
 
Ok... This is the son that was shot point blank in the face with a handgun when he was 10.. Obviously he lived... He went on to get a bachelors degree... enlisted in the Navy... did 6 yrs active with 2 tours in the ME in 2001 and 2002.. Came home... moved in with me... earned a Masters Degree.. and then fell into alchoholism... completely ruined his credit..and was drinking himself to death.

Last December I had him physically removed from my home due to violence.. He ended up in the psych ward at the VA hospital and then in a shelter for homeless vets on the VA campus.

Since then he has remained sober... settled all his debts other than his student loan... landed a pretty good job and is at the point where the shelter needs him to move on to make room for someone else in need. He is looking at apartments, but with his credit.. no one will rent to him .... without a co-signer... and that would be me... He is seeing a modest studio apartment near public transportation as we speak... He will not get it without me helping.... and since I first posted this... I have talked it over with my husband and we are going to do it.. We have to. Without us.. he will never get someone to rent to him with his credit history.. so that's the story.. I'm waiting now to hear what he thought of the apartment... it's a scary time for us... but we remain hopeful.. The most I could lose is $8000... small price to pay for the life of a son...
 
Quicksilver, I'm happy that he'll be on his own and I do hope he can remain sober and move forward with his life. I would be hopeful too, just like you and your husband, and co-sign for the apartment. He would be lost without a place to live, so I'm glad you're there for him again.

Is he getting any ongoing counseling or treatment for his alcoholism, like someone to call if he needs encouragement? That would be good I think, especially if he's on his own and may get bored. I imagine once he's settled into his new place, he'll be seeking employment? My thoughts are with you, hope all goes well, I think you made the right decision in helping him, he's been through so much already. I'm sure you guys are under a lot of stress with him, maybe that will subside soon...hugs.
 
SeaBreeze said:
Quicksilver, I'm happy that he'll be on his own and I do hope he can remain sober and move forward with his life. I would be hopeful too, just like you and your husband, and co-sign for the apartment. He would be lost without a place to live, so I'm glad you're there for him again.

Is he getting any ongoing counseling or treatment for his alcoholism, like someone to call if he needs encouragement? That would be good I think, especially if he's on his own and may get bored. I imagine once he's settled into his new place, he'll be seeking employment? My thoughts are with you, hope all goes well, I think you made the right decision in helping him, he's been through so much already. I'm sure you guys are under a lot of stress with him, maybe that will subside soon...hugs.
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Yes.. he attends regular AA meetings and has a sponsor.. He has a job... and is gone most of the time so he won't be sitting in his apartment getting bored... Oh... and a girlfriend... his has the start of that now... which I think has been the real push he needed to find a place.. good for him.. huh?
 
I cannot tell you what a crazy ride this has been. He is on his way over with the application.. One short year ago I NEVER would have believed he would be getting his own apartment and working a full time job.. One day at a time..... I think he knows that this is his last chance for a decent life.. I'm hoping and praying he makes the most of it..
 
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QS, I did not see your post earlier or I would have responded. Kudos to your son on his hard work and commitment to sobriety and building a new life. Kudos to you also on your love and support for someone who has spent so much time in the pit, often

infecting your lives with his illness/despair. I applaud your tough stance last December, I believe that probably saved his life, and pushed him toward recovery. As a mother, I can only imagine your torment. I wholeheartedly agree with you consigning

for his apartment. I wish you and your son all the best in the future. Please keep us updated.
 
QS, I'm coming in late on this too, I had surgery on my eye today, but just wanted to say...it is hard sometimes to know how to deal with our adult children's problems...to know when to have that tough love and just how much to help, but want to send my best wishes for you and your son. I agree with April, your son is lucky to have you.
 
I can empathise because I am a recovering alcoholic and other members of my family are also affected but without the violence.
I am living proof that recovery is possible and AA is a wonderful support. Have you considered Al Anon for family members?

I also agree with your decision to place your trust in your son. I pray that he will be able to take full charge of his own life with your support.
 
QuickSilver said:
Yes.. he attends regular AA meetings and has a sponsor.. He has a job... and is gone most of the time so he won't be sitting in his apartment getting bored... Oh... and a girlfriend... his has the start of that now... which I think has been the real push he needed to find a place.. good for him.. huh?
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That sounds great QS, I think his future is much brighter. Seems like he's on the right track, and yes, that is very good for him (and you).
 
QS, you did the right thing. Sometimes parents are the last hope a person has. Two years ago one of my grand SIL's told us that we needed to kick our son out of the house, because he had a running battle with alcohol and drugs. He was never violent, and he was of great help to me in caring for his ill father, but part of our family were ashamed of him. We were told that as long as he remained in our home, we were not welcome in their home, and that my great-granddaughter wouldn't be allowed to come to our home. It split our family, but we refused to kick our son to the curb.

Young Mike died two months later from an illness not related to his problems, and I was so glad we didn't listen to the GG SIL. I would never have been able to live with myself if we had bent under the pressure.
 
Shalimar said:
QS, I did not see your post earlier or I would have responded. Kudos to your son on his hard work and commitment to sobriety and building a new life. Kudos to you also on your love and support for someone who has spent so much time in the pit, often

infecting your lives with his illness/despair. I applaud your tough stance last December, I believe that probably saved his life, and pushed him toward recovery. As a mother, I can only imagine your torment. I wholeheartedly agree with you consigning

for his apartment. I wish you and your son all the best in the future. Please keep us updated.
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Ahh... the tough stance... Yes.. I literally turned my oldest child out on to the street... Does anyone even know how hard that is for a mother? The police came and took him away... after a confrontation where I actually blackened both his eyes... Yes.. after he punched me in the head... Omg...... that was a lifetime ago it seems.... My baby... my little boy.... sober one year... a good job..with a future... now an apartment. I am so hopeful.
 
I have been where you are QS,although with our son it was drugs and not alcohol. After he got out of jail and got clean,we HAD to help him or he never would have been able to move forward with his life. He has 8 1/2 years clean now and we have never regretted helping get his life restarted;even though we knew at the time that it could go either way,we knew we had to try. Your son certainly sounds like he is getting a handle on things.
 
Well he has put a deposit on the apartment and has turned in his application.. Of course it will be my credit that gets him in but this will help build his credit back up. He is also looking at ways to do that.. but right now.. keep his job... pay his rent... and stay sober are his main priorities. Last December I never would have believed this possible..
 
Sounds like he has a very good support system, which really helps with recovery. For any substance abuser to know that he has people in his corner willing to help him and stand by him is half the recovery. The other half is up to the addict or alcoholic. Hopefully, he will not encounter any issues in his life that would force him back to the bottle. My wife's sister is a recovering alcoholic and abuser of Xanax. It has been a rough road of recovery for her as well. Best of luck.
 
QS, with you being a nurse and me being a cop, we both have seen a lot of train wrecks similar to your situation. Here is a similar situation to yours. This was on Christmas Eve not too many years ago. The father came home after having a few too many at the office Christmas party. The son was out of his mind on smack and after repeated warnings to give it up or else. No one ever said what the "or else" was. According to the parents, they had spent tens of thousands of dollars on two trips to what we call "Hollywood Rehabs" meaning rehabs that cost a lot of money, like $40,000.00+. Daddy lost it after seeing his son throw a chair at mom. He goes and gets a .357 to "only scare" the kid back to reality. (This is all from his statement.) The gun went off, but he doesn't know how it happened. (Because you pulled the trigger.) Result: One dead kid with a hole in his chest that daddy could drive his Mercedes through.

So, your story also has some lighter violence in it, but violence nonetheless. It's like I always hear from the folks from rehabs that give us talks on how to control people out of their mind that are on drugs. They have to hit bottom before they can start back up . I think this is the case with your son. He hit bottom and now he is on his way back up. The only thing that will stop his climb to the top is if he misses a rung on the ladder and falls off. This is where we as parents come in. We have to keep reminding them not to misstep, otherwise, down you go and we start all over again. How many times are you going to play this game? The game gets old, depressing, boring, scary and after awhile, we want to quit and tell them, "Oh, OK, go ahead and screw your life up. Someday you will drink yourself to death, get alcohol poisoning or have wet brain syndrome and someone will find you laying in the street. In the morning a cop and a Chaplain will come knocking on my door and it will all be over. Is that really they way you want to leave this world?

It's a horrible message, I know, but I have seen it over and over until ad nauseam.

I wish you guys the best of luck. It sounds like your on the right track.
 

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