I’m a different person since Devin died.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
I’m a different person since Devin died.

I guess I don’t look much different on the outside. A little more careworn maybe, a few more age spots and wrinkles, hair a bit lank because I’m not so interested in keeping it up any more. Ive started to laugh again, some. I’ve gained back most of the weight I lost I think. Or maybe I’m even a bit over, I’m not keeping track of that any more. (I do need to get back to that, I don’t need my health to decline.) I wasn’t heavy anyway, but the lost muscle tone hasn’t returned so I’m kind of saggy. Not much interest in keeping up my general appearance so that’s a struggle. But overall I look mostly I look the same.

It’s the inside where I’m different. I’m still a Mum, but now I’m a Mum to 4 kids instead of 5. The light has gone out of my life, everything looks clouded and gray. Muted. The only time I fully light up is when I’m with my kids.

The world now is dangerous and scary and unpredictable, and I sense vague threats all around, all the time, just waiting to attack the moment my guard’s down. I no longer feel invincible. Instead I’m vulnerable and weak, struggling against a helpless impotence to ward off pain for me and mine.

My internal landscape is irrevocably altered. Important things are no longer so. Why did I stress so much over the things I used to stress over, when they are utterly inconsequential in the face of this devastating loss, this altered mindset, this new hierarchy against which I now unthinkingly gauge everything?

The world is frightening and intimidating. I can’t protect my kids, clearly. That precious one slipped away under my very nose. I’ve learned the harsh and unyielding lesson that I’m helpless in the face of my kids’ actions, their decisions. And if I can’t protect my kids, then certainly I can’t protect myself.

I am so different now, no matter what I look like, how I act on the outside. When your heart’s been broken, when a piece of it is gone forever….well, there’s just no coming back from that. 💔
 

"The light has gone out of my life, everything looks clouded and gray. Muted. The only time I fully light up is when I’m with my kids."

Those sentences present a contradiction to the readers. But there is light - you say so yourself. That there is a least light sometime is a blessing to build on.
 
A mother's love, unyielding and true,
Her heart, shattered by loss, beats on through.

Tears flow like rivers, a soul deeply scarred,
In the silence of night, her pain hits so hard.

The wound is an ache that time can't erase, But hope slowly whispers in this hush-filled space.
Each day brings a glimpse of healing light's gleam, As memories and moments become part of her dream.

Love remains etched in the fabric of time, A bond unbroken as stars in their climb.
The child may be gone from earth's mortal fold, But eternity holds what this world cannot hold.

Anonymous
 

Ronni said:
I’m a different person since Devin died.

I guess I don’t look much different on the outside. A little more careworn maybe, a few more age spots and wrinkles, hair a bit lank because I’m not so interested in keeping it up any more. Ive started to laugh again, some. I’ve gained back most of the weight I lost I think. Or maybe I’m even a bit over, I’m not keeping track of that any more. (I do need to get back to that, I don’t need my health to decline.) I wasn’t heavy anyway, but the lost muscle tone hasn’t returned so I’m kind of saggy. Not much interest in keeping up my general appearance so that’s a struggle. But overall I look mostly I look the same.

It’s the inside where I’m different. I’m still a Mum, but now I’m a Mum to 4 kids instead of 5. The light has gone out of my life, everything looks clouded and gray. Muted. The only time I fully light up is when I’m with my kids.

The world now is dangerous and scary and unpredictable, and I sense vague threats all around, all the time, just waiting to attack the moment my guard’s down. I no longer feel invincible. Instead I’m vulnerable and weak, struggling against a helpless impotence to ward off pain for me and mine.

My internal landscape is irrevocably altered. Important things are no longer so. Why did I stress so much over the things I used to stress over, when they are utterly inconsequential in the face of this devastating loss, this altered mindset, this new hierarchy against which I now unthinkingly gauge everything?

The world is frightening and intimidating. I can’t protect my kids, clearly. That precious one slipped away under my very nose. I’ve learned the harsh and unyielding lesson that I’m helpless in the face of my kids’ actions, their decisions. And if I can’t protect my kids, then certainly I can’t protect myself.

I am so different now, no matter what I look like, how I act on the outside. When your heart’s been broken, when a piece of it is gone forever….well, there’s just no coming back from that. 💔
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Sorry you are going through this, @Ronni! I can relate to it in so many ways. Grief takes many forms and shapes. When my sister lost her son, it took her a long time to overcome her grief, but she eventually did. She joined support groups online and shared her thoughts and emotions. No matter what I told her in the beginning (focus on the living sons, he is in a good place, etc.) she wasn't ready to hear that. She's in a very good place now. Wishing you the very best!
 
I'm very sorry for your loss. I have to agree, when loved ones die, it can take a heavy toll. And yes, I agree, we might not ever be the same again. I have lost a sibling and my parents and the hope of a 2nd grandchild. Today I am extraordinarily blue and sad and I cannot get myself out of it. I will try again tomorrow. When I'm in the bad place I get more and more disgusted with the sate of the nation as well and then, of course, there's no end to that....the list can be endless.
 
VintageBetter said:
I'm very sorry for your loss. I have to agree, when loved ones die, it can take a heavy toll. And yes, I agree, we might not ever be the same again. I have lost a sibling and my parents and the hope of a 2nd grandchild. Today I am extraordinarily blue and sad and I cannot get myself out of it. I will try again tomorrow. When I'm in the bad place I get more and more disgusted with the sate of the nation as well and then, of course, there's no end to that....the list can be endless.
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Some people cope by "giving it all to Jesus", which sounds fine in theory, but the Lord is taking His sweet time about fixing things, isn't he? Plus, we have plenty of powerful people here who could fix things, but they choose not to. Pinning it on Jesus is placing the blame in the wrong place, IMO. I just want to say, I agree with you. You now have to become a new version of you.
 
It is good that you can write what you are feeling. Sometimes it is not possible to share our feelings with anyone in person. Yes, you are changed and will never be the same as you were before. Somewhere you will find the peace to remember those good memories you had of your son. Sending you lots of hugs and hope that your family will heal in time.
 
Ronni said:
I’m a different person since Devin died.

I guess I don’t look much different on the outside. A little more careworn maybe, a few more age spots and wrinkles, hair a bit lank because I’m not so interested in keeping it up any more. Ive started to laugh again, some. I’ve gained back most of the weight I lost I think. Or maybe I’m even a bit over, I’m not keeping track of that any more. (I do need to get back to that, I don’t need my health to decline.) I wasn’t heavy anyway, but the lost muscle tone hasn’t returned so I’m kind of saggy. Not much interest in keeping up my general appearance so that’s a struggle. But overall I look mostly I look the same.

It’s the inside where I’m different. I’m still a Mum, but now I’m a Mum to 4 kids instead of 5. The light has gone out of my life, everything looks clouded and gray. Muted. The only time I fully light up is when I’m with my kids.

The world now is dangerous and scary and unpredictable, and I sense vague threats all around, all the time, just waiting to attack the moment my guard’s down. I no longer feel invincible. Instead I’m vulnerable and weak, struggling against a helpless impotence to ward off pain for me and mine.

My internal landscape is irrevocably altered. Important things are no longer so. Why did I stress so much over the things I used to stress over, when they are utterly inconsequential in the face of this devastating loss, this altered mindset, this new hierarchy against which I now unthinkingly gauge everything?

The world is frightening and intimidating. I can’t protect my kids, clearly. That precious one slipped away under my very nose. I’ve learned the harsh and unyielding lesson that I’m helpless in the face of my kids’ actions, their decisions. And if I can’t protect my kids, then certainly I can’t protect myself.

I am so different now, no matter what I look like, how I act on the outside. When your heart’s been broken, when a piece of it is gone forever….well, there’s just no coming back from that. 💔
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Ronni, I'm so relieved when I see you posting here and sharing your feelings with us. I think it's very important in the slow process of healing the heart. I'm glad you gained some weight back, please continue to take good care of yourself and your health, it's so important to you and all who love you.

You are not a different person Ronni, the situation around you has changed, you have lost your precious son and for that I'm very sorry. Your perspective on life and things that go on every day is different, some of your views have changed and I think that's very normal and to be expected.

It shows how much you cared for Devin, you are a loving person and mother, but you can't protect everyone on your own, not possible. I always admired you for your confidence, positivity and the fact that you were 'invincible', I think much of that is still the same with you, but you've been dealt a hurtful blow and you are just starting to recover from it as best you can.

Please don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for anything that has happened, it is something that was out of your control and it will bring you peace to accept that.

I'm very happy that you have a supportive family and children surrounding you, important parts of you, and I'm glad they bring you some light and joy, continue to embrace it when it comes your way.

I trust you will feel better as time goes on. Know that many of us really care about you, and in a small way, can share just a tiny bit of your pain. Sending you positive thoughts and lots of love my friend. 🧡
 
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"I’ve learned the harsh and unyielding lesson that I’m helpless in the face of my kids’ actions, their decisions."

That is the truth you are having difficulty adjusting to. It will take time, as it should. Meanwhile you are finding comfort when with your other children. Use that realization to help mend the loss you feel.

Having the confidence to post again is a slow but steady improvement in regaining the Ronni we all have come to know & care about.
 
I feel your pain in your words. You have wonderful communication skills and good sense and things are going to get better for you but it will take time, maybe a long time to recover from the horrible shock and loss you've suffered. The only think I can say is take each day as it comes and try to get through it. Perhaps look for one positive thing each day. I mean a positive thing about your life or living. I know how hard this is.

I lost my baby sister the same way but many years ago. I feel tears welling up inside still when I think of her but the shock is mostly gone now. I'm keeping you in my prayers and sending healing vibes to you. You are loved by so many and with them/us you will find your way again. 💜 🌹

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Ronni said:
I’m a different person since Devin died.

I guess I don’t look much different on the outside. A little more careworn maybe, a few more age spots and wrinkles, hair a bit lank because I’m not so interested in keeping it up any more. Ive started to laugh again, some. I’ve gained back most of the weight I lost I think. Or maybe I’m even a bit over, I’m not keeping track of that any more. (I do need to get back to that, I don’t need my health to decline.) I wasn’t heavy anyway, but the lost muscle tone hasn’t returned so I’m kind of saggy. Not much interest in keeping up my general appearance so that’s a struggle. But overall I look mostly I look the same.

It’s the inside where I’m different. I’m still a Mum, but now I’m a Mum to 4 kids instead of 5. The light has gone out of my life, everything looks clouded and gray. Muted. The only time I fully light up is when I’m with my kids.

The world now is dangerous and scary and unpredictable, and I sense vague threats all around, all the time, just waiting to attack the moment my guard’s down. I no longer feel invincible. Instead I’m vulnerable and weak, struggling against a helpless impotence to ward off pain for me and mine.

My internal landscape is irrevocably altered. Important things are no longer so. Why did I stress so much over the things I used to stress over, when they are utterly inconsequential in the face of this devastating loss, this altered mindset, this new hierarchy against which I now unthinkingly gauge everything?

The world is frightening and intimidating. I can’t protect my kids, clearly. That precious one slipped away under my very nose. I’ve learned the harsh and unyielding lesson that I’m helpless in the face of my kids’ actions, their decisions. And if I can’t protect my kids, then certainly I can’t protect myself.

I am so different now, no matter what I look like, how I act on the outside. When your heart’s been broken, when a piece of it is gone forever….well, there’s just no coming back from that. 💔
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I'm so sorry, this is the impact of grief and it is unpredictable and hard.
I suggest you join a bereavement group online as well as of course being here. There are many excellent groups where there are people who know exactly how you feel and you get wonderful support.
 

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