I am sort of in the social phobia range. It's difficult to have friends due to past betrayal/trauma

I guess I had a strange kind of social phobia. I could for a time period not be able to drink liquid or eat a meal outside of home, usually in a restaurant. I would feel that I would either drown on, for instance, coffee, or choke on food. This was in my twenties. I would take the food home where I could eat it in comfort.

I also had panic attacks in stores. I would feel suddenly dizzy and feel I might faint.

I don't know really how I got over those things, but I did. One thing that really helped me was to turning to think about something else as far as the panic attacks. That worked. Overall what saved me, was growing a spine. I don't what it is and how to express it, but getting to feel that you're just as important as anyone else and being able to realize you are somebody without having to get aggressive about it. You count just like everyone else does. I mean, just realizing it's okay to get mad. I really had a hard time with wanting everyone to like me. I got over that, too, when I realized it was not the end of the world and not dangerous to not be agreeable all the time.
 

yep sometimes it can be worked through as you've explained but other times help is needed and useful ; perhaps lifesaving ??:)
 
My social phobia was mainly from a major traumatic event that lasted for an extended period of time as well as a physically issue that I couldn’t do anything about. For months I did have agoraphobia but my dogs had to be walked so I had to deal with it.


My doctor put me on Effexor which helped with my depression but made me gain lots of weight so I walked more and more. Like Road Warrior I don’t need to be entertained or surrounded by friends since I’m a natural loner but I was doing more hiding from the world than I’d like to admit.


Like Olivia, I would get panic attacks sometimes while shopping which made my fear of going out worse so my husband had to do all the shopping for a few years.
Then I started to learn the art of self love and finally understood that I was just as important as anyone else. I used to cringe and avoid angry people which turned into compulsive people pleasing. Then I learned that I could be respectfully assertive without being aggressive and that it was perfectly ok to disagree with others. I didn’t have to subservient with others.


This , of course , took a period of about 10 years or more but I do make myself go out and endure the discomfort I might feel. There are days when I slip back some but I do the best I can at the time and remind myself often how far I’ve come.


Like Olivia, I had to be ok with the thought that not everyone has to like me and that it’s perfectly ok if people don’t.
 

Mlz827 said:
First, I am sort of in the social anxiety range. It is difficult for me to enjoy friends due to past betrayal and trauma. So, I choose to live alone.

I have acquaintances, and siblings who live hundreds of miles away, I do have phone, text, messaging, Facebook, etc. contact with them. Also, there are a couple of local ladies I sew with, with others who have passed away or are in rest homes. I have two children. A daughter who lives 1,000+ miles away, yet she makes almost daily contact. Thank heavens for today's various types of technology. Then, I have a son and his family who live 10 minutes away from me. Calls or visits from them are seldom. I know that they love me. Also, I know we are on good terms when together. They have jobs, two children, and their own lives. I understand that.

What I don't understand is if I do not go to them, (which I feel welcome when I do) they do not come to me. I was sick, recently, for three weeks. Not one visit to help me, or just a visit for a lonely person who was shut in until I was well. This has me having mixed feelings of being upset , frustrated and most of all confused.

I will not nag, but did bring this up and was met with avoidance until I decided to apologize for bringing it up and possibly looking needy to them. They told me no problem, no worries, and that was it!

Again, I am confused.
Click to expand...
Mlz, It seems you're not that unhappy with your life and are comfortable with technology so you do keep up with family and friends in that way.
You're lucky in a way that even though your daughter is far away she contacts you daily.
If you're confused as to why your son doesn't visit why don't you ask him again? Sounds like there's no animosity there and you have a relationship. Could be as simple as you having a cat and one of the children is allergic. Busy is not a reason when they live 10 minutes away. You should find out. Once you face asking him directly it will give you confidence in asking others direct questions like "would you like to have lunch with me once a week?".
 
hearlady said:
Mlz, It seems you're not that unhappy with your life and are comfortable with technology so you do keep up with family and friends in that way.
You're lucky in a way that even though your daughter is far away she contacts you daily.
If you're confused as to why your son doesn't visit why don't you ask him again? Sounds like there's no animosity there and you have a relationship. Could be as simple as you having a cat and one of the children is allergic. Busy is not a reason when they live 10 minutes away. You should find out. Once you face asking him directly it will give you confidence in asking others direct questions like "would you like to have lunch with me once a week?".
Click to expand...

I think this is definitely worthy of consideration. Often issues are from a lack of proper communication . Misunderstandings can cause a rift between people. Once that distance is there , our perception can too.
Great advice hearlady.
 
Mlz827 said:
What I mean is that after years of girlfriends (yes several girlfriends) having affairs with my husband, I just don't like to open up and trust much anymore.
Click to expand...

As for your girlfriends having affairs with your husband, I can understand how you feel, but surely you know that blame belongs to both friend and husband. Your husband is just as guilty as the friends. Are you still married to him? If still together, why forgive him but not your friends? Not having any female friends does not stop him from having affairs with other women not your friend. My serial cheating husband had an affair with a friend of mine, it took me a while to find out, but he also tried (and failed) with my sister and another friend. I divorced him and it was one of the best decisions of my life.
 
Yes, Mlz, you have had some real, valid trauma in your past. You shouldn't feel guilty for the way your are feeling. Not all people are good for you, even relatives. I'm at the end of it with my brother in fact.

Hopefully you can trust some people. I'm not social either and feel I'm better on my own though right now I have a great burden of my stepfather.
 
Mlz827 said:
First, I am sort of in the social anxiety range. It is difficult for me to enjoy friends due to past betrayal and trauma. So, I choose to live alone.

I have acquaintances, and siblings who live hundreds of miles away, I do have phone, text, messaging, Facebook, etc. contact with them. Also, there are a couple of local ladies I sew with, with others who have passed away or are in rest homes. I have two children. A daughter who lives 1,000+ miles away, yet she makes almost daily contact. Thank heavens for today's various types of technology. Then, I have a son and his family who live 10 minutes away from me. Calls or visits from them are seldom. I know that they love me. Also, I know we are on good terms when together. They have jobs, two children, and their own lives. I understand that.

What I don't understand is if I do not go to them, (which I feel welcome when I do) they do not come to me. I was sick, recently, for three weeks. Not one visit to help me, or just a visit for a lonely person who was shut in until I was well. This has me having mixed feelings of being upset , frustrated and most of all confused.

I will not nag, but did bring this up and was met with avoidance until I decided to apologize for bringing it up and possibly looking needy to them. They told me no problem, no worries, and that was it!

Again, I am confused.
Click to expand...
this lady has more of a social group than i do. but i understand having to be the one to reach out but when you're in need you don't exist. been there done that. i no longer bother with any of my so called "friends" and they don't seem too upset about it. been almost a year since i heard a peep out of anyone. so no biggie.
 
Expectations of what a person thinks others(particularly family members) "should'' be doing or saying is a mental health slippery slope. Divorce made my relations with daughter and son rocky for a few years. I've moved away from "what should be" to "what IS..." and have no worries. My daughter calls weekly and talks for an hour. My son is extremely busy and calls when he can. Of course, I'd love to see them both more often, I take it as it comes.
 
Nathan said:
Expectations of what a person thinks others(particularly family members) "should'' be doing or saying is a mental health slippery slope. Divorce made my relations with daughter and son rocky for a few years. I've moved away from "what should be" to "what IS..." and have no worries. My daughter calls weekly and talks for an hour. My son is extremely busy and calls when he can. Of course, I'd love to see them both more often, I take it as it comes.
Click to expand...
yeah once you get to the pov that this is the way it is...nothing else really matters.
 
Looking back at my past experiences I should have learned many years ago that people don't treat you the same way you treat them. My Dad's family turned against my parents when they got married because they thought my parents were too young to get married. My Mom always made my Dad stay connected to them and then when me , my brother and sister came along she made us visit them every week. They treated us horribly also.Now, none of that remaining family are close to one another. All my cousins have cut either a brother or sister out of their lives.


My own brother cut me and my sister out of his life and now his 3 kids are not close to one another.
My husband and I moved about 2 yrs ago to be closer to my daughter and her family. I have no idea who any of my neighbors are and honestly after my experience with some of my old neighbors,who I was very good to,started to ignore me I don't need any more drama in my life. I have never been as contented as I am now.
 
MarciKS said:
this lady has more of a social group than i do. but i understand having to be the one to reach out but when you're in need you don't exist. been there done that. i no longer bother with any of my so called "friends" and they don't seem too upset about it. been almost a year since i heard a peep out of anyone. so no biggie.
Click to expand...
Ah, so you have "so called friends" too!
I do agree, its very barren ground to try to work, and yet what can we do, if there ain't owt else? :)
 
Shalimar said:
Agoraphobia at its worst is an intense fear of leaving one’s home and venturing outside. Some folks who live in an apt will not even set foot on the balcony. Panic attacks ensue when the person leaves their safe zone. It is almost always about places rather than people.
Click to expand...
I realize this is a very old post but just wanted to share my experienc. I have suffered from anxiety from childhood, way be for it was recognized in a child. As I got older, in my teens, I began to have the panic attacks and the fear of large crowds, open places, anywhere really. I did have the full teenage experiece to me. Once I could drive I realized just to take my own car. I could leave at anytime if I was uncomfortable. I did not go places that I did not know how to get to, I did not want to be lost anywhere, I had to be able to get to a safe place,

I met my husband when I was fifteen. I told him all about it. He said don't worry, I will take care of you. He always did, if I was uncomfortable we left. If afraid or having a panic attack he go me thru it.

I finnally went into therapy for the condition. I was worried by condition would have some effect on my little boy. I did not want that.

I was mostly fine at work, shopping and family events. When things are common place or function, you do so much better.

I did learn to overcome it somewhat and have done a lot I never thought I could. Of course the biggest push came when my husband got sick. We had to travel for clinical trials, I became a better flyer. I learned to get around the town, medical facilities, the lay of the land. There was not choice.

Now that my husband has passed I do find myself withdrawing. It is harder now without his love and support.

If you have these kinds of issues and you want to do better, feel better, talk to your doctor about finding a good clinic or therapy group that specializes in agoraphobia, panic attacks and social phobias. I went thru one on one therapy, group therapy so I could meet others strubbling with the same issues. I also did exposure therapy, my therapist actully went with me to work on those things.

There is no reason to suffer. At the least you meet some nice people that could be friends with.
 
Blessed said:
If you have these kinds of issues and you want to do better, feel better, talk to your doctor about finding a good clinic or therapy group that specializes in agoraphobia, panic attacks and social phobias. I went thru one on one therapy, group therapy so I could meet others strubbling with the same issues. I also did exposure therapy, my therapist actully went with me to work on those things.

There is no reason to suffer. At the least you meet some nice people that could be friends with.
Click to expand...
Wonderful advice. I just wish I didn't live in a therapist "desert." (What I get for living in the middle of nowhere, sigh; then again, it wasn't my choice to move here.)
 
I have been noticing some difficulty in communicating in our ever increasing complicated world. I hear mainly opinions, not facts,. I know how hard it is to ascertain the facts, and how easy it is to express our opinions. People usually don't change their opinions. I have withdrawn from talking and meeting with others because after the initial hello and reminiscing the conversation is less than interesting, so I leave the scene. It is a form of fear...in that if I express something and all I get is someone's different opinion, why even try?
 
Mlz827 said:
What I don't understand is if I do not go to them, (which I feel welcome when I do) they do not come to me. I was sick, recently, for three weeks. Not one visit to help me, or just a visit for a lonely person who was shut in until I was well. This has me having mixed feelings of being upset , frustrated and most of all confused.
Click to expand...
This is the story of my life. I've lived in many beautiful and interesting places. My sister would plaintively say that she missed me, and ask when I was coming "home." She was not averse to travel, but she wouldn't travel to see me, even though it meant free lodging in paradise.

Similarly, in the rural area where I lived previously, several women I was acquainted with would get all pouty and ask why I never came to see them. Why didn't they ever come to see me? I lived in a more convenient location than they did.

I've come to the conclusion that it's a hierarchy thing. Some people hold court, and expect the vassals to come to them.
 
Last edited:
NorthernLight said:
it's a hierarchy thing. Some people hold court, and expect the vassals to come to them.
Click to expand...
This. Is. So. True! OMG, I've always thought about someone I know who always does this and have always said to myself that they are the kind of person who thinks that hierarchy is a good thing, that the world, workplaces, etc. run best in a strict hierarchical fashion. I guess a lot of people do this, maybe not all the time but in social situations certainly.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top