In your opinion, what do we owe our adult children? or grandchildren?

Dear husband and I always said, if we're going to raise a family, we have to accept that our parenting days will never end.

With that said, we have always been there for our kids no matter what, and while we don't have a lot of money, in the past we have helped several (financially) along the way.

Parenting is for life, and seeing that both dear husband and I had parents that stood behind us every step of the way, we're continuing on in their footsteps and carrying the love forward.
 
Aunt Marg said:
Dear husband and I always said, if we're going to raise a family, we have to accept that our parenting days will never end.

With that said, we have always been there for our kids no matter what, and while we don't have a lot of money, in the past we have helped several (financially) along the way.

Parenting is for life, and seeing that both dear husband and I had parents that stood behind us every step of the way, we're continuing on in their footsteps and carrying the love forward.
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You said it Perfectly !
 

gennie said:
And if a negative answer is met with "Well, I didn't ask to be born?|
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One person said you didn't finish raising them. I don't agree with that. I do agree with it is a very immature and manipulative response. But, I don't blame everything on the parents. At some point in time an individual has to take responsibility for who they are and what they are and stop blaming their raising. And as for " what do we owe them?", we owe them nothing! You can give anything that you choose to give them, but you owe them nothing.
 
My husband was a good father. He has always been. But his kids have treated him so badly for years that we are considering disinheriting them. They now cannot call us until they apologize for their latest infractions. They don't think they'd done anything wrong. Stealing from him, lying to him, blaming him for all their mistakes...the list goes on and on. His one daughter who is 50 now stole his only picture of his mother when she was young, and then the daughter denied she did it, and said her grandmother gave it to her. Wrong. The picture was very important to him, cherished. Both she and her sister need to go to rehab, but they don't think they have a problem.
 
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Phoenix said:
My husband was a good father. He has always been. But his kids have treated him so badly for years that we are considering disinheriting them. They now cannot call us until they apologize for their latest infractions. They don't think they'd done anything wrong. Stealing from him, lying to him, blaming him for all their mistakes...the list goes on and on. His one daughter who is 50 now stole his only picture of his mother when she was young, and then the daughter denied she did it, and said her grandmother gave it to her. Wrong. The picture was very important to him, cherished. Both she and her sister need to go to rehab, but they don't think they have a problem.
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phoenix-
My oldest has been disinherited—it’s now on my youngest daughters shoulders when I die To do what she wants. What did it for me was when my husband died, she had the gall to ask when she would ’get her share’ when he was gone and then when he did die, I called her to be with me, but, ‘she was tired’. Oh, the stories I could share with you.
 
My opinion. Once they're adults, you don't owe your kids/grandkids any material things. If the adult child you raised is failing at being a parent to your grandchild/grandchildren, when they're still kids, you do "owe" the grandchildren as much engagement that circumstances (including the law) will allow. This does not mean material things.

Some people turn out bad. Sometimes those people were raised right and still decided to make the wrong choices.

Some adults have parents who think they did a good job raising the adult child. Sometimes the parents of those adult kids think that because those parents were selfish when the adult child was a kid and remain clueless and selfish now.

Every family is different. But there comes a time in every grown up's life where they are responsible for their own decisions...and the consequences of those decisions. Good or ill.
 
debbie in seattle said:
phoenix-
My oldest has been disinherited—it’s now on my youngest daughters shoulders when I die To do what she wants. What did it for me was when my husband died, she had the gall to ask when she would ’get her share’ when he was gone and then when he did die, I called her to be with me, but, ‘she was tired’. Oh, the stories I could share with you.
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Thanks for addressing my issues with his kids. Do you think your youngest will share with her sister? It has been my experience that people usually don't. But people make individual choices. Would you like to tell me those stories? I'd be willing to listen. It's cold that she was too tired to be there for you.

If my husband passes away first, as soon as I'm up to it I will update the will. All of the things we have, go to each other if one of us passes. I will see an attorney and find out what my options are and do it in a way that his kids will be unsuccessful if they contest the will when I pass. I think if I leave them a small amount, they won't be able to contest it. But I don't know the laws in this state. I'm in Oregon. One of my other thoughts is that I may out live them. They have taken horrible care of themselves. I had one aunt who lived to be 97 and one who lived to be 101. Even some of the men in my family lived to be in their 90s. Mom was 91 when she passed. So....
 
If mentally & or physically capable of functioning in society as they age. IMO owed would be guidance to become lawful functioning members of society.

If handicapped extending the care & support they need to live their lives as well as could be expected for their condition.
 
IMO, after we raised our kids to be responsible (hopefully) productive citizens we, as parents owe them nothing else. Of course, love for them does not diminish. In case of handicapped kids that cannot take care of themselves, I will still care for them and plan for their care in case they outlive me.

As to grandkids, it is my kids responsibility to raise them as they see fit.
 
Our children haven't needed or asked for anything since they were launched. Exceptions would be a little babysitting, help with a household fix-it projects, occasional advice on financial or personal matters, that kind of thing.

If they needed more serious help we'd do what we could. It's not a matter of "owing" but rather of wanting to do for those we love most. My blessed mother was there for us when we had some business reversals, and we'll be there for our children if they are up against the wall.

Just as we know they'll be there for us when or if we need them.
 
Aunt Marg said:
Dear husband and I always said, if we're going to raise a family, we have to accept that our parenting days will never end.

With that said, we have always been there for our kids no matter what, and while we don't have a lot of money, in the past we have helped several (financially) along the way.

Parenting is for life, and seeing that both dear husband and I had parents that stood behind us every step of the way, we're continuing on in their footsteps and carrying the love forward.
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Same, though it’s difficult to offer financial help for me since their father died.
 
I'll have to find some comments to add to this thread, as I feel this is "my subject", (or one I keep banging on about anyway), but I'd first like to endorse most of the above comments.

It will be too easy for me to repeat things I've said before, or in fact very hard for me to avoid doing so completely, but if I state a few facts, perhaps that will be helpful to someone, ("as an excluded parent of twenty four years and counting"!).

My daughter aged twelve stated: "that even if a judge ordered her mother to allow me contact with her, she would not come".

My daughter has stated on many occasions: "He ruined my life until the age of twelve, dont let him ruin any more of my life".

My daughter stated: "He never took me anywhere interesting on contact visits", and her mother and "new daddy" stated: "It was cruel to take my daughter to church when she did not wish to go".

My daughter stated: "Every letter he sends me makes me more pleased I dont have to see him anymore".

In spite of all the above, my daughter, possibly persuaded by her husband, allowed me to be present when she brought her six months old son to visit the farm where my father lived, a year before he died, so four years ago. My daughter chose to stand beside me at my father's funeral, in a large church where there was plenty of room to stand elsewhere, and although I'd tried to let her know the funeral details I'd no idea she was going to attend. My daughter remains as the sole beneficiary of my will, although she'll never need any money I might leave, and in my opinion she had a wonderful childhood, added to by my ten or so years of contact with her after my wife broke up the marriage, (a time when she repeated often "Keep coming daddy", though she did not have to say this).

Therefore, when you ask "what do we owe our adult children? or grandchildren?", I'm left thinking why it is so abhorrent to people in western countries to suggest our children owe loving parents and grandparents a great deal?

Why is the focus always so much the other way, and is this a good thing, (I'd suggest not, and a change in family law to reflect at least a more balanced view, is well overdue:unsure: ?
 

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