WheatenLover
Well-known Member
- Location
- Georgia
I have always used feeling guilt as a stepping stone to considering my actions - kind of as a warning signal that maybe I am doing something I shouldn't be doing. The situation I'm in now, though, is one I think I must do, but I don't like the effect it will have on my husband.
We have been married for 33 years. We have been separated for 1.5 years. I live in town, and he lives about 11 miles away. We get along fine. He does not support me, and I don't support him, financially. He doesn't support me in other ways either. When I first got cancer, I had to move out. He wouldn't take Covid precautions and very soon the house became a germfest. I was extremely ill, and basically just laid on the sofa and took care of myself.
I will be moving to Mass soon, along with my son, to live with our cousin. We haven't told my husband about this yet. He will be devastated. Our other sons live in CA, and our daughter is moving to CA in a month.
My husband doesn't like people, in general, and has no personal friends. He doesn't like any of my friends or relatives so we have had no social life during our marriage. He didn't like it when my friends visited - no strangers in the house. As well, my friends don't like him because of the way he treats them. From what he says, he feels superior to most people. He thinks they are stupid. He ignores my friends when (and if) they visit, and he gets angry and frustrated at the stupidity of others, and tells them about it.
He is also disabled. He can barely walk. He has Parkinson's disease, glaucoma, type 2 diabetes, and has had several strokes. He doesn't do things to help himself - like move to a place that is all on one floor, change his eating habits, etc.
He does not manage money. He doesn't believe in budgets or saving money. He buys what he wants without regard to how much he has in the bank, and overdraws his account.
He cannot clean up after himself now (very well, anyway), but he never has. He cannot cook because he isn't interested. He eats frozen meals and goes to a restaurant every day.
His house is the absolutely most unclean house I have ever seen. He has a crop of mice who live there. I cannot clean it because I don't have the stamina and energy to do it, especially when I'd also have to keep up with his daily messes. I also do not want to live in a germ-filled house when I am still recovering from cancer.
He wants me to move back in, basically to the life I left. Clean, cook, do laundry, do his taxes, shop for groceries, solve the problems that arise in his life, never mention saving money or making a budget or moving to a one-floor apartment. Fix everything that needs fixing in the house and 2-acre yard. Never mention anything, actually, that I already know he won't agree with (and that is a lot of topics).
He is lonely, and that's why he says he wants me to move back in with him. But he doesn't talk to me. He talks at me about various topics but doesn't want a conversation. When I talk to him, he reads a book or the Wall Street Journal.
He gets angry easily, at the drop of a hat. When he moved his office into our home about 6 years ago, it took all of us a long time not to startle at his angry outbursts. We'd never heard them because he was only home to sleep, basically. He also says that he will take care of me, but he has never done that in his life. I don't mean financially, I mean me, in my current condition physically.
But I feel guilty about leaving him to move to Mass because he will be totally alone. The Council on Aging folks have visited him and he refuses to accept any help from them. He absolutely *hates* any change, and just refuses to consider it even when it is clearly the best thing for him.
Also, I am 100% sure that he will tell me, at length, how my moving to Mass will ruin his life. I have ruined his life before, and I am really not up for that conversation. Suffice it to say that I can do anything I want to, as far as he is concerned, as long as he either wants me to do it, or it doesn't effect him.
On the bright side, he doesn't drink at all any more (and rarely did), he is not physically violent (and never was), never used any illegal drugs.
This guilt is killing me (not literally). Then it dawned on me that it is misplaced, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm a heartless wife. We aren't getting divorced because it doesn't effect my life to do so, and it would just be another nail in the coffin of me ruining his life.
What do you think? Before anyone says that I am vilifying him, I have tons of support for divorcing him and/or moving to another state (it wasn't originally planned to be Mass). People see things and for decades have told me to exit stage left. He got really mad when I said I was planning to move to Atlanta and said I had to stay or I would ruin his life, and he would not go with me.
I am moving to Mass because of financial reasons. The best part of this plan is that my cousin is wheelchair-bound with MS and is very lonely. We get along well, and have a lot in common. He is my only relative in the US from the my mother's side of the family (the rest are in Germany).
Is the guilt misplaced in your opinion? If so, how do I rid myself of it? I am dreading telling him I am moving. If I "should" feel guilty, what are your reasons for concluding that?
Thank you for your help.
We have been married for 33 years. We have been separated for 1.5 years. I live in town, and he lives about 11 miles away. We get along fine. He does not support me, and I don't support him, financially. He doesn't support me in other ways either. When I first got cancer, I had to move out. He wouldn't take Covid precautions and very soon the house became a germfest. I was extremely ill, and basically just laid on the sofa and took care of myself.
I will be moving to Mass soon, along with my son, to live with our cousin. We haven't told my husband about this yet. He will be devastated. Our other sons live in CA, and our daughter is moving to CA in a month.
My husband doesn't like people, in general, and has no personal friends. He doesn't like any of my friends or relatives so we have had no social life during our marriage. He didn't like it when my friends visited - no strangers in the house. As well, my friends don't like him because of the way he treats them. From what he says, he feels superior to most people. He thinks they are stupid. He ignores my friends when (and if) they visit, and he gets angry and frustrated at the stupidity of others, and tells them about it.
He is also disabled. He can barely walk. He has Parkinson's disease, glaucoma, type 2 diabetes, and has had several strokes. He doesn't do things to help himself - like move to a place that is all on one floor, change his eating habits, etc.
He does not manage money. He doesn't believe in budgets or saving money. He buys what he wants without regard to how much he has in the bank, and overdraws his account.
He cannot clean up after himself now (very well, anyway), but he never has. He cannot cook because he isn't interested. He eats frozen meals and goes to a restaurant every day.
His house is the absolutely most unclean house I have ever seen. He has a crop of mice who live there. I cannot clean it because I don't have the stamina and energy to do it, especially when I'd also have to keep up with his daily messes. I also do not want to live in a germ-filled house when I am still recovering from cancer.
He wants me to move back in, basically to the life I left. Clean, cook, do laundry, do his taxes, shop for groceries, solve the problems that arise in his life, never mention saving money or making a budget or moving to a one-floor apartment. Fix everything that needs fixing in the house and 2-acre yard. Never mention anything, actually, that I already know he won't agree with (and that is a lot of topics).
He is lonely, and that's why he says he wants me to move back in with him. But he doesn't talk to me. He talks at me about various topics but doesn't want a conversation. When I talk to him, he reads a book or the Wall Street Journal.
He gets angry easily, at the drop of a hat. When he moved his office into our home about 6 years ago, it took all of us a long time not to startle at his angry outbursts. We'd never heard them because he was only home to sleep, basically. He also says that he will take care of me, but he has never done that in his life. I don't mean financially, I mean me, in my current condition physically.
But I feel guilty about leaving him to move to Mass because he will be totally alone. The Council on Aging folks have visited him and he refuses to accept any help from them. He absolutely *hates* any change, and just refuses to consider it even when it is clearly the best thing for him.
Also, I am 100% sure that he will tell me, at length, how my moving to Mass will ruin his life. I have ruined his life before, and I am really not up for that conversation. Suffice it to say that I can do anything I want to, as far as he is concerned, as long as he either wants me to do it, or it doesn't effect him.
On the bright side, he doesn't drink at all any more (and rarely did), he is not physically violent (and never was), never used any illegal drugs.
This guilt is killing me (not literally). Then it dawned on me that it is misplaced, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm a heartless wife. We aren't getting divorced because it doesn't effect my life to do so, and it would just be another nail in the coffin of me ruining his life.
What do you think? Before anyone says that I am vilifying him, I have tons of support for divorcing him and/or moving to another state (it wasn't originally planned to be Mass). People see things and for decades have told me to exit stage left. He got really mad when I said I was planning to move to Atlanta and said I had to stay or I would ruin his life, and he would not go with me.
I am moving to Mass because of financial reasons. The best part of this plan is that my cousin is wheelchair-bound with MS and is very lonely. We get along well, and have a lot in common. He is my only relative in the US from the my mother's side of the family (the rest are in Germany).
Is the guilt misplaced in your opinion? If so, how do I rid myself of it? I am dreading telling him I am moving. If I "should" feel guilty, what are your reasons for concluding that?
Thank you for your help.
@pinky...& 
From what I read you have been there for him over and over. We can't help people who do not want to help themselves. Sounds like you are in a no-win situation and are punishing yourself and maybe do not feel you are worthy of happiness for yourself? I don't know but I do know we all have to be our own best friend. I wish you could be kinder to yourself. You sound like a very lovely, caring person, to him but not to yourself. You tried but at some point, you might want to consider there is a limit to what can be done for your husband. I think you have reached it and have to take better care of yourself.
