Is this misplaced guilt?

Sounds like you are or may have been co-dependent at one time. With only hearing one side of the story and if everything is exactly as you have described it to be, I think you should do what’s best for you without any guilt.

I wish you luck with your new venture and that you are strong enough to stick with your plans.
 
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I've never seen anyone obsess about guilt to this extreme.

Does it make you feel important? Does your slavish desire to be at his beck and call assure you you are a worthy woman?

Get out of there asap. Don't even tell him. Let his kids worry about him. Oh, they can't? Too bad...they can and will, once you've stood up to everyone.

No matter what you tell yourself, you DO NOT deserve this abuse! But if you insist that you do, have at it.

In either case, I wish you the best.
 
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@WheatenLover

Please keep in mind that you are in control of how you react to others, you are in control of how much you let them negatively affect you, you are in control of your future life. Don't sell yourself short. I have no doubt you may feel some guilt because you're a caring person, but you should stop thinking and living in the past. Embrace the reality of the present and cherish it, look forward to a bright future after you make the move. I know you have loved ones who care about you and support you, take advantage and give yourself some much deserved TLC. Don't let any more time slip away.
đź’™
 
Although you've mentioned you feel guilty about leaving your husband, there are other things to think about - Whatever you do, look at this move to MASS as TEMPORARY. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. Nothing is written in stone. Although you like your cousin, it's been from a distance. You were in your house and he was in his house. This will be the first time you will be living with this person. There might be expectations of you that you were not aware of. Since you're dealing with cancer, can you live up to his expectations? Does he represent a substitute for your husband? If you need to tell your husband you will be leaving, say it's for a little while. Don't let him know everything you are doing. Also, don't commit to anything until you've lived in Mass for a few months. Then you can decide what to do next. These are my thoughts. Good luck and God bless!
 
WheatenLover said:
Is the guilt misplaced in your opinion?
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Sounds like it is. But after so many years of marriage it is understandable.
WheatenLover said:
If so, how do I rid myself of it?
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Just do your best to move on, and remember this is not your fault, and not something you should feel guilty about.
WheatenLover said:
I am dreading telling him I am moving.
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I am sure you are, but just do it, the sooner the better. You can be as kind about it as possible, but it needs to be firm.
WheatenLover said:
If I "should" feel guilty, what are your reasons for concluding that?
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I don't and the only reasons I can think of are from misplaced feelings of obligation. Do you best to do this, and move on. It may be hard in the short term, but longer term it sounds like you will be happier. He might or might not be, but you are beyond being responsible for that.
 
Your husband is abusive. Not physically but in other ways. I’ve been where you were. I was married to the same kind of man as you for 30+ years before I found the courage to leave.

In spite of an abundance of valid reasons why I should leave, it still took me a long time, and the guilt was crippling when I did, but balanced by relief at no longer having to live with him.

A lot of therapy, support groups, self help and personal education of that personality type took care of the guilt. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. I and others can tell you that till we’re hoarse, but until you can value yourself enough to realize you don’t deserve the treatment you received at his hands, and DO deserve a fulfilling life, you will continue to feel guilty.

I know that’s harsh, and I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I understand thoroughly what you’re going through and that is the only reason that your guilt is crippling you.

I wish for you the very best!
 
Oh @WheatenLover I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. Please make this move!!! You have guilt because you have a heart and soul.

People like this do not change and he'll end up killing you. There is nothing you can do for him. If he wants to live like that he will. He could move to something more suitable and have services come in and help but he clearly chooses not to do so. Sometimes these people want to take everyone around them down with them. And that's what he would do to you. My mother abused my stepfather, including physically, and turned around stating he didn't treat her well. A total lie.

They have no insight into themselves and their behavior but they can sure dish it out to others.

Go, your guilt is normal. But this sounds best for you. Please do the move.
 
feywon said:
At least it is unlikely your estranged husband could do more than make angry phone calls &/or write angry letters. Mine stalked me at 2yrs and 7yrs post divorce.
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My husband is not inclined to be a stalker, even if he could be one. He's more of a manipulator. Now that I see that, even if not completely, I don't automatically respond by giving him whatever he wants. I give myself points for that, because my knee-jerk reaction is to fix the problem.
 
Shalimar said:
Yes, your guilt is misplaced. You need to care for yourself. He refuses constructive help, battles change, and does not care for your well being. He chooses to be alone. He ruins his own life, you are saving yours. Don’t buy into his selfish guilt trips. Stand strong, you have the right to a life of your own. 🤗
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I am reading a book on adult ADHD which will be published in December (an advance reading copy through NetGalley). Surprisingly, it devotes considerable attention to seniors, especially to retired seniors. There is a lot of information there, and even if it would have done a retired person a lot of good to have had been diagnosed decades earlier, the author is adamant that it also does a lot of good to be treated for ADHD (if you are diagnosed with it) after retirement.

In reading about the three types of ADHD, it seems to me that one of those types fits my husband -- in fact, I would not be surprised to find out he has both autism and ADHD. This is not a diagnosis and will never be, because my husband would never get diagnosed.

Plus, none of that effects my decision to move to Mass.

BUT if any of you are interested in reading the book, you can join netgalley.com . In return for your honest reviews of the books you read, you get to read them now. It took me awhile to figure netgalley out - but I did, and if you need help doing so, just let me know (through the letter icon to the right of your user name on the top bar of the pages here).
 
Packerjohn said:
Sounds like your living in one of them there "abusive situations." I say enough is enough. He has controlled you enough. Marriage should be more or less, 50/50. It sounds like 90/10 in his favour. Make plans to go and GO!
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That's what my kids think. They spent years trying to convince me that is true.

But what finally got me out of there, besides the cancer/covid situation, was that I finally had a chance for financial independence due to an inheritance from my mother. This, in turn, gave me an opportunity to live the life I wanted to live, as my real self. I had planned to move to Atlanta without my husband before cancer/covid happened. I was in Atlanta looking for a house to buy when covid came to my town, and I hightailed it back here.
 
Lewkat said:
Forget the guilt part. You deserve the medal of honor for a lousy marriage. Do not allow this man pull any of his foolishness on you forthwith. Go and enjoy the rest of your life.
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No, no medal of honor, lest we forget I am human too -- complete with failures and plenty of faults. I once threw a can of food at my husband. Lucky for him, my ability to hit what I throw something at hovers at around zero. I also have a temper and when I reached a certain level of high frustration and anger, I yelled at my husband. I tamped that down for the last 4 or 5 years, and gave myself a medal for patience (which I think I have lots of, but not so many other people do because they can't see inside my head).

What I should have done was be less honest, and squirreled away cash that my husband didn't know about. He would never have missed his money being gone, because he didn't keep track of it.

I felt trapped by financial dependence on my husband, and having to care for 4 little kids close in age (triplets + one a year and half younger, two with autism, and the same to with medical problems that required surgery and/or treatment). The financial dependence was caused by my not being able to work (although I tried several times, with a business and a law practice, but it just was not feasible). It was also caused by the fact that not one single asset was in my name, even jointly. I didn't get into that quietly, but my husband had the power and he refused to have anything in my name.

In 2018, when my mom gave me her old car, my husband right away offered to handle the hassle of getting it registered in PA. I didn't let him - I had the power. Same thing happened when I bought my Subaru in 2019, but again, I had the power.
 
palides2021 said:
Although you've mentioned you feel guilty about leaving your husband, there are other things to think about - Whatever you do, look at this move to MASS as TEMPORARY. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. Nothing is written in stone. Although you like your cousin, it's been from a distance. You were in your house and he was in his house. This will be the first time you will be living with this person. There might be expectations of you that you were not aware of. Since you're dealing with cancer, can you live up to his expectations? Does he represent a substitute for your husband? If you need to tell your husband you will be leaving, say it's for a little while. Don't let him know everything you are doing. Also, don't commit to anything until you've lived in Mass for a few months. Then you can decide what to do next. These are my thoughts. Good luck and God bless!
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QFT.
 
bingo said:
you're thinking about it too much...all that back there's...over....think of your move...new stuff...forge ahead!
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You wrote this post yesterday, and I read it, and it inspired my thoughts that day. Thank you!

I get depressed sometimes because my last years are not being spent the way I wanted them to, and the way they could have been. Usually Effexor keeps these thoughts at bay, along with me being mindful not to have them.

Yesterday, after running out of Effexor for a few days, the depressive thoughts returned. I decided not to let the current situation get me down, and to overcome it. I have had lots of experience with that in my life, so there is every reason to believe that I can do it again.

I am tired of overcoming my circumstances, and thought that had ended, is all. Well time to buck up.
 
oldman said:
Sounds like you are or may have been co-dependent at one time. With only hearing one side of the story and if everything is exactly as you have described it to be, I think you should do what’s best for you without any guilt.

I wish you luck with your new venture and that you are strong enough to stick with your plans.
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Thank you. I thought so too, so I re-read Co-Dependent No More about six months ago.
 
Paco Dennis said:
I think you need to get a divorce. It could get very complicated with both of you headed down hill. You could still take care of him when needed, but the legal side would be finished, and probably the guilt.
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You are probably correct. I am going to look into this, especially with regard to my legal responsibilities as his wife. I've been thinking about it, but leery because of the huge problems that will occur if I bring up the topic.
 
Gary O' said:
Bottom line;
He seems quite selfish
Needs professional help
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He is the most mentally healthy person he has ever met, and I am crazy. He refuses any help. He had competition, my mom also said that about herself.

Today my son was worried because my husband hasn't answered the phone in a few days, and has not replied to my emails. He wanted me to drive him over there so we could check to make sure his dad was okay. I said no. I did call the neighbor to ask him to see if my husband's car was there, but he wasn't home.

I told my son that either my husband was out gallivanting, or dead, or had fallen and couldn't get up. My son was going to check whether his car was parked at his house, via Google Earth, but decided not to, so that was that. We went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, and when we returned, my husband was parked at my house. It was 6 o'clock, and my son had invited him to dinner at Texas Roadhouse for 4 o'clock. So my son hopped out of the car to go with his father, and I went into the house to take my meds and turn down (!) an invitation from my daughter to get ice-cream at DQ. I still can't get over how I turned down DQ.
 
WheatenLover said:
You are probably correct. I am going to look into this, especially with regard to my legal responsibilities as his wife. I've been thinking about it, but leery because of the huge problems that will occur if I bring up the topic.
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Talk to your lawyer first, so that you can defend your decision on legal and financial grounds not emotional ones.
 

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