Is this misplaced guilt?

WheatenLover said:
He is the most mentally healthy person he has ever met, and I am crazy. He refuses any help. He had competition, my mom also said that about herself.

Today my son was worried because my husband hasn't answered the phone in a few days, and has not replied to my emails. He wanted me to drive him over there so we could check to make sure his dad was okay. I said no. I did call the neighbor to ask him to see if my husband's car was there, but he wasn't home.

I told my son that either my husband was out gallivanting, or dead, or had fallen and couldn't get up. My son was going to check whether his car was parked at his house, via Google Earth, but decided not to, so that was that. We went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, and when we returned, my husband was parked at my house. It was 6 o'clock, and my son had invited him to dinner at Texas Roadhouse for 4 o'clock. So my son hopped out of the car to go with his father, and I went into the house to take my meds and turn down (!) an invitation from my daughter to get ice-cream at DQ. I still can't get over how I turned down DQ.
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Fantastic... you've made the first step.....now keep going, and don't look back, and I don't mean about the ice -cream.

Incidentally that sentence, quote '' He is the most mentally healthy person he has ever met, and I am crazy.''... has summed up my husband too.... I'm going to use that when describing him in the future
 
win231 said:
Your husband didn't become the person you describe overnight. Why would you choose to live with someone like that for 33 years??
Perhaps low self esteem - thinking that's all you deserve? Maybe that's also why you feel guilty.
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Hindsight is 20/20..I think we have all looked at past behaviors and asked ourselves..why did I do that..At the time there seem to be good reasons...but we can all choose to be kinder to ourselves going forward.. 🤗
 
It is hard to let go of guilt.......... after years of excusing behavior etc. .................
I have been in similar shoes ..... my spouse has some similar issues .... I also plan on leaving .... and file for divorce.
I think my husband will have a horrible existence after i leave .....his choice/ he made his bed now must lay in it..............Frankly kids want NOTHING to do with him ........... i have tried to be understanding and patient as i think he is having a struggle realizing he is older then he imagines he is....

This is not the person he once was ..... all the "friendly advice" i have received to run off or leave ASAP .......
That does not take into consideration as to why.............. he has become this way.......
 
Your ex is manipulating you! Plain and simple. He's gotten into your head and managed to lay his burdens squarely on your shoulders. And apparently it worked since you have to ask if you should feel guilty or not. This was my initial feeling. Reading your latest reply, I see that you refused to play into the latest scenario. Good for you! Continue to take care of YOU. Do what's best for YOU! I saw this on FB and I think it's apropos for your situation. This was a screenshot..the click to play won't work. Wishing you the best outcome.


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palides2021 said:
Although you've mentioned you feel guilty about leaving your husband, there are other things to think about - Whatever you do, look at this move to MASS as TEMPORARY. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. Nothing is written in stone. Although you like your cousin, it's been from a distance. You were in your house and he was in his house. This will be the first time you will be living with this person. There might be expectations of you that you were not aware of. Since you're dealing with cancer, can you live up to his expectations? Does he represent a substitute for your husband? If you need to tell your husband you will be leaving, say it's for a little while. Don't let him know everything you are doing. Also, don't commit to anything until you've lived in Mass for a few months. Then you can decide what to do next. These are my thoughts. Good luck and God bless!
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Nope. In fact, he is one of my most admired people. Always willing to look at both sides of a situation, generous, funny, smart, and most of all cheerful. This even though he has a paralyzed hand and is in a wheelchair from multiple sclerosis. With this, he is still able to volunteer. He is on the board of the senior center, having had to give up being on the school board and the chief of the volunteer fire department.

He is very straightforward. No beating around the bush, no games. I especially like that about him. And he has two dogs (Australian Shepherds), and can't wait to have my dog there.

He has his faults. For one thing, he talks too much (pot calling the kettle black). And his sense of humor isn't always to my liking (he can be a bit crude), and we agree on our political and societal views. We also have a lot of the same interests.

My eggs aren't in one basket. My son and I are going to give it a year, to see how things are working out. My dog will be in hog heaven to have other dogs to play with, and another person to keep an eye on.
 
RadishRose said:
I've never seen anyone obsess about guilt to this extreme.

Does it make you feel important? Does your slavish desire to be at his beck and call assure you you are a worthy woman?

Get out of there asap. Don't even tell him. Let his kids worry about him. Oh, they can't? Too bad...they can and will, once you've stood up to everyone.

No matter what you tell yourself, you DO NOT deserve this abuse! But if you insist that you do, have at it.

In either case, I wish you the best.
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No, it doesn't make me feel important. I cannot be at his beck and call. I cannot let him negatively affect my life.

However, he is an old man in bad physical health and he will have no one here to turn to. Yes, this is of his own making, but I don't like to see anyone suffer. All of his problems are magnified or caused by his actions, which have not changed one whit over the years, no matter the consequences.

I was raised, 100%, to be cognizant of meeting the needs of others, whether they asked me to or not. This is not a good thing. Because I turned into someone who is a need-meeter in many ways, sort of like it was my purpose in life. My own needs often came last. Not so much any more, especially since cancer and covid.

I lived an hour away from him in Mass, so we know one another pretty well. I can be myself with him, totally, and he is always himself.
 
Jan14 said:
You’ve given him enough time to change his ways. He’s not going to change. You’re happier living without him, and you need to take care of yourself! Stop feeling guilty and move on with your life. I wish you the best!
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Yeah, I know. He is not the man I thought I married.

Sometimes I wonder if he can change his ways. It's a real puzzle how he is the way he is.
 
WheatenLover said:
Yeah, I know. He is not the man I thought I married.

Sometimes I wonder if he can change his ways. It's a real puzzle how he is the way he is.
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He can’t change, but you can. Who can be certain what made him as he is? But, what is certain is the toxicity of having him nearby will have a deleterious effect on your physical and emotional well being. Do not sacrifice yourself. Get out of there as soon as you can. Hugs.
 
WheatenLover said:
Yeah, I know. He is not the man I thought I married.

Sometimes I wonder if he can change his ways. It's a real puzzle how he is the way he is.
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I agree ... having my own issues with my spouse he has withdrawn and changed and is NOT the person i married...
he does not see it .... moved out a week ago to live with my son and his spouse
feel much better and sleep better too

Jan14 said:
If he wants to change, he can.
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most like this type do not see it as them but other people and they simply do not care to change or alter anything IMO
 

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