Just senior humor

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on I-65. So I eased my truck and trailer over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out, and reached in the side compartment; I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my trailer facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
To my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a Highway Patrol pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My trailer has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
Always be prepared and safety first out there……seriously be careful.
 
*Twenty Differences between Fishing and Sex

#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you
once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't
have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with
long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel
guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object
if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by
yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are
really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy
Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell
Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting
sued for Fishing harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your
life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest
in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy
your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?!*
 
a polish divorce


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover
 
Tom 86 said:
a polish divorce


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover
Click to expand...
Tom86.Your jokes always make me happy. Keep them coming !
 
A woman goes into a bar and sees a handsome cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

She can't stop staring because the cowboy has the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asks him if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy winks and says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him.

The next day she walks into the bar and hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered, ma'am, nobody has ever paid me for my services before,"

To this, the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"
 
The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Univ. of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those Alabama women.
__________________________________________________________________

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. that night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
__________________________________________

Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Alabama was overhead saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama." When asked why he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
_________________________________________________________________

The young Alabama man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young Alabamian answered. "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
____________________________________________________

NEWS FLASH- Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
_______________________________________

An Alabama State Trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
____________________________________________

An Alabama man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Ten he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, " I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."
 
An elderly couple is worried that they are starting to forget simple things, so they go to a doctor for a checkup.

The doctor looks them over top to bottom but doesn't find anything.
"It seems you two are perfectly fine so all that I can suggest is anytime you want to remember something, simply write it down".

The couple believe that's a great idea and so they go home with renewed confidence.

Later that evening, the couple are watching television and he decides to grab a drink.

"Need anything my dear" he asks?

"Could you grab me some ice cream. Here write it down" she tells him.

"No need my dear, ice cream coming up"!

"Oh, and some chocolate sauce please. Want to write it down"?

"Ice cream with chocolate sauce, got it".

"And a cherry dear" she asks "sure you don't want to write it down"?

"Ice cream with chocolate sauce and a cherry. I've got it, Hun".

The elderly man is gone for 10 minutes and the woman begins to worry. He comes back with scrambled eggs, bacon and orange juice.

The woman looks at the food and says, "Oh dear, you forgot the toast"!
 
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my WILLIE he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and blurt out things like that '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone’

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my EAR,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. '
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

'I can't PEE out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....
 
Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It’s a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck did stop here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter.

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????
 
Routine Checkup

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health"?

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died"?

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead"?

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he"?

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died"?

The old-timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead"?

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he"?

The old-timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too"?

The old-timer said, "No, grandpa couldn't go this morning, because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married"?

The old-timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to"? 😇
 
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