Lonely But Not Alone

Thank you, Ronni. Please don't assume that I sit around feeling sorry for myself.
That never occurred to me! I figured if you were posting here about your relationship, you were trying to figure out how to make things better which is why I posted additional questions.
 

Thank you, Ronni. A 36 year marriage doesn't just happen without a little work on BOTH sides. There has to be compromises by each partner (and places where one draws the line...like rising at 3 AM to cook when I have already prepared an excellent meal WAY earlier in the day to accommodate his sleeping schedule).
My other post to you about feeling sorry for myself got posted too soon.
All advice is good but I need to be realistic. I am 72 years old and vibrant. I teach dance, work out, take pride in my appearance and have a lot of interests. However, I have NEVER been the type of woman to just do anything and everything to please a man because I think that will make him love me.
You are right, Ronni. It is a two way street.
 
Honey.... Is that you???? I thought you were 5 years younger than me???? And we've only been married 35 years....
I always joked that the secret to our long marriage was to buy a big house, work opposite shifts and just stay the hell away from each other.
2.5 years now in a 225 SqFt camper and she aint killed me yet....

On the serious side, 1st off welcome from NC. Congrads on the 36 years. Gaer's reply is awesome, but again it cant be one sided.
People and their interest change over time, and the key is to accept and fall in love with the new person....
Definitely talk to him about your your feelings, Find some new common grounds and enjoy
 

I'm sure but it's a little too 1950's for me. The only thing she left out was going to bed with my makeup on, getting up after he's asleep to take it off, then getting up before him to put it on again, lol. Sorry but you sure do have to see some humor there.😅
 
Sorry,Don't mean to butt in again but one more thing. This is important. Don't ever complain. Don't talk about your aches and pains. Don't gossip. Don't ever ctiticize. if you give up these things, wonderful things will begin to happen in your life!
Your entire life will begin to change! This is REAL magic!!!
 
Sorry,Don't mean to butt in again but one more thing. This is important. Don't ever complain. Don't talk about your aches and pains. Don't gossip. Don't ever ctiticize. if you give up these things, wonderful things will begin to happen in your life!
Your entire life will begin to change! This is REAL magic!!!
 
Thank you, Ronni. A 36 year marriage doesn't just happen without a little work on BOTH sides. There has to be compromises by each partner (and places where one draws the line...like rising at 3 AM to cook when I have already prepared an excellent meal WAY earlier in the day to accommodate his sleeping schedule).
My other post to you about feeling sorry for myself got posted too soon.
All advice is good but I need to be realistic. I am 72 years old and vibrant. I teach dance, work out, take pride in my appearance and have a lot of interests. However, I have NEVER been the type of woman to just do anything and everything to please a man because I think that will make him love me.
You are right, Ronni. It is a two way street.
It is most definitely a two way street.

I spent 30+ years contorting myself into all kinds of weird pretzel shapes trying to be what my husband wanted me to be. It was a miserable, wretched time, made so much worse by the fact that he was abusive, domineering, controlling, text book narcissist. Even if he hadn't been any of that, still I wasn't interested in an "Ozzie and Harriet" kind of marriage where's he's the king of his castle and I'm his loyal servant who never complains and is always at his beck and call. Nope. If it's not an equal partnership then it's not worth it.

It doesn't sound like you have any of that going on, but still, your situation sounds less than ideal.

Like you, I'm young for my age lol! 😂 You teach dance? What kind? I'm a ballroom dancer myself!
 
Gaer, if YOU do all of those good things and NEVER do anything like complain or talk about your aches and pains, etc. you would not be living in a real world marriage. Marriage to me is sharing all the good and the bad. When he complains or talks about his aches and pains I can understand him better and know how to respond to his needs. AND we both enjoy a little gossip now and then, lol.
Marriage is NOT pie in sky.
 
It is most definitely a two way street.

I spent 30+ years contorting myself into all kinds of weird pretzel shapes trying to be what my husband wanted me to be. It was a miserable, wretched time, made so much worse by the fact that he was abusive, domineering, controlling, text book narcissist. Even if he hadn't been any of that, still I wasn't interested in an "Ozzie and Harriet" kind of marriage where's he's the king of his castle and I'm his loyal servant who never complains and is always at his beck and call. Nope. If it's not an equal partnership then it's not worth it.

It doesn't sound like you have any of that going on, but still, your situation sounds less than ideal.

Like you, I'm young for my age lol! 😂 You teach dance? What kind? I'm a ballroom dancer myself!
 
Gaer, if YOU do all of those good things and NEVER do anything like complain or talk about your aches and pains, etc. you would not be living in a real world marriage. Marriage to me is sharing all the good and the bad. When he complains or talks about his aches and pains I can understand him better and know how to respond to his needs. AND we both enjoy a little gossip now and then, lol.
Marriage is NOT pie in sky.
I'm not saying stop listening to his complaints. I'm just trying to help and bring a new aliveness to your life. That's all. Accept it or not. I'm just saying, having a relationship with a man is a great gift. Cherish him. Look at him from across the room and think. "My God, How could I be so lucky to have this wonderful man in my life"? See him in a new light and just LOVE HIM ! it's not losing who you are. it's being ALIVE!
Yes, I had a wonderful marriage. He died in my arms.
Someday you will reach for your love, and he won't be there!
 
Ronni, I was a jazz dancer when I was young and danced professionally with a jazz company. Later, I had dance studios in Florida for 15 years teaching ballet, tap and jazz. Now I teach line dance 3 days a week.
I am SO on your wavelength! Luckily, my husband is not abusive. I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. My mother did as well. And like you, tried everything to please my father at the expense of her own well being. However, I'm with you on your views. One person can't do it all in a marriage. Then you just become taken for granted.
 
I was going to say, don't feel bad because some of the loneliest people I know are married but on second thought, why not try what Gaer suggests? Sounds like fun and whatcha got to lose? By the way, welcome.
It's pretty sad when you're in a relationship and you're just as lonely as if you were single.
 
My mother was a "character". She often said, when someone complained about their husband not having the same interests or was not spending more time with them "you gotta be kidding". My father had passed away and she'd had many a proposal of marriage. She'd say "hey, I was married and bored for 30 years , don't intend to spend the rest of it that way, thanks but no thanks". Her idea of a perfect mate was one that had an out of town job...lol. "No needy men or animals"...ha ha.

Different strokes, huh. She had many many interests.
 
I would talk with him, and try to come up with a plan, together.
Remind each other of things you used to have in common, and then try to find one of those you are both still interested in, or a new interest that you could both share, and then, make a plan together, to do something that involves it.
This is more realistic advice. Don't make a fool of yourself, talk to him. Is it possible he is avoiding you for some reason? If there is a problem, it's best to get it out into the open and deal with it. Good luck!
 
Oh! i gotta say more, I'm sorry! Please don't be apathetic! Apathy is the death of love! Find what brought you together the first time. There was some reason you married him! Try to find that again! Don't even think about yourself and how YOU feel. THINK ABOUT HIM!!!
Love should be Extraordinary! Exciting, Amazing! Magical! You have that inside you! Mediocre love is not worth anything. Don't let it happen! Look for ways to make him feel happy and wonderful! Not you. HIM!!!
I'm not saying your feelings don't matter. They DO! But you need to bring back some magic in your marriage! Try it! You can do this!
Make love to him inevery way all the time. FEEL LOVE! FEEL IT!!!! OK. I'm done.
I think you are a completely amazing wonderful person. I sincerely do.
 
Sorry,Don't mean to butt in again but one more thing. This is important. Don't ever complain. Don't talk about your aches and pains. Don't gossip. Don't ever ctiticize. if you give up these things, wonderful things will begin to happen in your life!
Your entire life will begin to change! This is REAL magic!!!
OK, I admit I don't know if this is a send up or sincere advice. I can only hear Jack Jones singing that tune about how women should put on makeup all the time and greet their husbands each night in full dress-up attire.

Gaer, how long were you married? If you actually practiced what you preach, I imagine your husband was a very lucky guy to have such a faithful subject ministering to him.

I could never live for someone else. I enjoy living my own life, as Janet lives hers. We get along very well while we each do our own thing. If she started catering to me the way you suggest, to the op, I would feel uncomfortable, closed in and creepy. I'd also start looking for a good shrink for her.

I think the line, "Get a life!" comes to mind. Nobody should live just for somebody else. How truly dreadful!
 
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OK, I admit I don't know if this is a send up or sincere advice. I can only hear Jack Jones singing that tune about how women should put on makeup all the time and greet their husbands each night in full dress-up attire.

Gaer, how long were you married? If you actually practiced what you preach, I imagine your husband was a very lucky guy to have such a faithful subject ministering to him.

I could never live for someone else. I enjoy living my own life, as Janet lives hers. We get along very well while we each do our own thing. If she started catering to me the way you suggest, to the op, I would feel uncomfortable, closed in and creepy. I'd also start looking for a good shrink for her.

I think the line, "Get a life!" comes to mind. Nobody should live just for somebody else. How truly dreadful!

I'll answer this one thing and be out of this post, as I've said too much. 25 years. Neither of us were clingy nor were we needy. Rather two actualized, completed, happy souls desiring to be together. He was his own man, ( a man's man, actually) and I my own woman. We each had our individual interests and activities. No, Love need not be INTENSE. it can be comfortable,warm, soft, contented. No, I was not his servant. Not a "Stepford Wife". Oh, Hell no!
I find it sad when a relationship has no interaction, no conversation, no laughter, no fun, no playfulness, and when they can't even look in each other's eyes.. This is an apathetic death of love. Love is important. So many things in life are mundane and mediocre. Love should not be one of them!
 
I'll answer this one thing and be out of this post, as I've said too much. 25 years. Neither of us were clingy nor were we needy. Rather two actualized, completed, happy souls desiring to be together. He was his own man, ( a man's man, actually) and I my own woman. We each had our individual interests and activities. No, Love need not be INTENSE. it can be comfortable,warm, soft, contented. No, I was not his servant. Not a "Stepford Wife". Oh, Hell no!
I find it sad when a relationship has no interaction, no conversation, no laughter, no fun, no playfulness, and when they can't even look in each other's eyes.. This is an apathetic death of love. Love is important. So many things in life are mundane and mediocre. Love should not be one of them!
Your post, as above, seems to strongly contradict your previous advice to the op. Very confusing.
 
Your post, as above, seems to strongly contradict your previous advice to the op. Very confusing.
Because some relationships need help. If one has let the relationship deteriorate , through no fault of their own, to a point where there is no interaction, severe adjustments must be made. When it comes to a point where one is hurting, actions must be taken to save the relationship or a decision must be made that the feelings no longer exist and it's time to let go. This is a completely different scenario. Read her first post and you'll see what I mean. That's it, tree guy, I will post no more on this thread. Thanks, though.
 


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