Memories of my challenging life-good, bad, and whatever, lol

Keesha

Playful Scamp
Location
Canada
Keesha,

i wrote a long reply and it failed to post. Will try again tomorrow. I hate it when that happens.
That’s frustrating I know Aneeda. That’s happensd to me so many times that now I usually copy my post into ‘notes’ first.
and please don’t stress yourself out answering my questions. It was a huge post. I feel bad for you.
Have a wonderful evening
 

Keesha

Playful Scamp
Location
Canada
I’d like to mention that what I did to you in your diary is what I get the most angry about when I’m venting to my husband.
He always thinks I’m looking for a solution to fix me and I’m not. I’m just talking for the sake of talking.
For some reason I need to play the hero and have solutions to problems which are non of my business and don’t need fixing.
I’m HORRIBLE for giving unsolicited advice and it really was grossly inappropriate of me.
Now I’ll stop beating myself up. The really strange thing is that I don’t know where this annoying habit came from. Neither one of my parents were that way or anyone that I knew.


Ive thought of another question for you.

Do you have any characteristics that resemble your parents that you swore you’d never be like but yet find you are and how do you feel about it?
 

Aneeda72

New member
Original Poster
While I physically look like my mother, I went to great lengths to not pick up any of the "bad" parts of my parents. But remember, I only lived with my father till I was 15 and my mother till I was 17. I never saw my father again after I was 19. Plus they both worked my entire childhood and I avoided them as much as possible when they were home.

My children, never knew my father, but know my mother well. They said I am nothing like her.

I did pick up "racial/color" blindness from my parents, and a deep devotion to our country. Both my parents believed in the color green, the almighty dollar. A firm belief in God, country, and family from my paternal grandmother, and thus acceptance of all people no matter what their circumstances.

My brother picked up their love of green. He is well off, and if I were dying of thirst he would charge me for his spit. His son is a millionaire. Once my sister in law said the thing she liked best about me was that I never asked them for financial help. I'd rather die than do that.
 

Aneeda72

New member
Original Poster
Oh, Keesha, as I have said before you can write anything here.
 

Keesha

Playful Scamp
Location
Canada
While I physically look like my mother, I went to great lengths to not pick up any of the "bad" parts of my parents. But remember, I only lived with my father till I was 15 and my mother till I was 17. I never saw my father again after I was 19. Plus they both worked my entire childhood and I avoided them as much as possible when they were home.

My children, never knew my father, but know my mother well. They said I am nothing like her.

I did pick up "racial/color" blindness from my parents, and a deep devotion to our country. Both my parents believed in the color green, the almighty dollar. A firm belief in God, country, and family from my paternal grandmother, and thus acceptance of all people no matter what their circumstances.

My brother picked up their love of green. He is well off, and if I were dying of thirst he would charge me for his spit. His son is a millionaire. Once my sister in law said the thing she liked best about me was that I never asked them for financial help. I'd rather die than do that.
Thats very interesting. Your children never met their grandfather. That’s too bad but understandable.
That love of money seems to be a popular theme. With my parents it evolved from living through the war. Rationings were needed and I think it became a habit. My parents are similar minus the religion and luckily I never picked up the penny pinching habit.

Ive never asked my parents for financial help either but haven’t needed to but I do understand what you’re saying.
There are more important things to worship than money but some habits are hard to break I guess. That’s just the way they are.

Ive definitely picked up some habits/ characteristics from my parents that I wasn’t quite aware of until the last year or so and am working on them. I’m hoping within time I can change things around some and if not just accept me as is worts and all.

Later Anneda xx
 

Aneeda72

New member
Original Poster
Keesha,

I have a few moments so I will start this. The MRI of my C Spine (neck) was completed in April 2017. I don't ever need to get another one. This one is bad enough.

Alignment: There is a slight degenerative retrolistheses of C4 on C5.

Disc spaces: There is diffuse disc desiccation throughut the cervical spine. Disc height loss is present throughout the mid and lower cervical spine.

Posterior elements: Facet and uncovertebral join arthrosis is present throughout the mid and lower cervical spine.

C2-C3: There is disc desiccation and slight disc bulging. There is a small right paracentral posterior projecting disc protrustion.

C3-C4: There is disc height loss and disc desiccation. Minor posterior disc bulging is present. Bilateral uncovertebral and facet joint arthrosis creates mild left and SEVERE right C4 bony neural foraminal narrowing.

C4-C5: There is disc height loss with disc desiccation. There is slight degenerative retrolisthesis of C4 on C5. Broad posterior disc bulging is present. There is borderline spinal stenosis. Bulky facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis is present. There is mild left and SEVERE right C5 bony neural foraminal narrowing related to the facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis.

C5-C6: There is mild disc height loss with disc desiccation. Mild posterior disc bulging and posterior projecting osteophyte is present. This disc bulging and osteophyte is larger in size towards the right. Bilateral facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis is present. There is mild left and moderate right C6 neural foraminal narrowing related to the facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis.

C6-C7: There is disc height loss and disc desiccation. Mild posterior disc bulging and posterior projecting osteophyte formation is present. Bilateral facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis is present. There is mild bilateral C7 neural foraminal narrowing related to facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis.

C7-T1: There is disc desiccation. Mild posterior disc bulging is present. Right-sided facet and uncovertebral joint arthrosis creates SEVERE C8 neural foraminal narrowing.

IMPRESSION:

Multilevel cervical spondylosis.

What does this all mean? My neck hurts, my neck hurts a lot. I have pain from my neck, into my shoulders, down both arms. My arms, hands, and fingers go numb on a regular basis and it is getting worst. The lower part of my face goes numb from just above my lips on down. The numb lips drives me crazy at time and I end up biting myself often when chewing. The neck causes terrible headaches, and it also causes ice pick headaches where it feels like you are being stabbed with an icepick.

Fun Times? Nope! I'll do my thoracic spine next. I have a great many problems in this portion of my spine and it will take more time.
 

bingo

New member
having had an even worse childhood....on into adulthood. ...i understand how life is made traumatic and unfixable by their actions....
i left after 57 years. ..not looking back...not subjecting myself to any more wrenching emotions....
i don't talk about it or dwell on any of it anymore...its like ive convinced myself that life never existed...
all hope for your healing
 

Keesha

Playful Scamp
Location
Canada
Hi Aneeda,
That’s a lot of damage and sounds painful. I’m so sorry you hace to endure this pain.
How horrible. I hope you find some comfort somehow.

What things bring you joy?
 

Aneeda72

New member
Original Poster
So, my Thoracic spine:

I have a syringohydromyelia, essentially a syrinx. This is a fluid collection in the spinal cord itself. It is a malformation inside the spinal cord. When full of fluid, it can cause direct pressure on the cord causing a host of problems. Weakness, numbness, stiffness, pain, scoliosis, and incontinence etc. I am fortunate in that my syrinx is self draining. Otherwise, a needle is inserted into the syrinx, through the spinal cord, and fluid is drawn out on a regular basis. Ugh. When it drains, it feels wet like water running down my back.

MRI 2004

T7-T9 syringohydromyelia

MRI 2017

Alignment: The thoracic kyphosis is exaggerated measuring 46 degrees. There is minimal anterolistheses of C7 on T1 measuring 0.2 cm.

Vertebral Bodies: There is very minimal loss of anterior vertebral body height at T5, T6, T7, measuring less than 10%.

Intervertebral discs: There is multilevel thoracic degenerative disc disease.

There is a small left subarticular zone protrusion at T2-3.
There is a slight left subarticular zone protrusion at T4-T5.
There is a mild circumferential disc bulging at T5-T6, T6-T7, and T7-T8.
There is a small left subarticular and foraminal zone protrusion at T9-T10.
There is an interbody disc protrusion at T10-T11 as well as mild circumferential disc bulging.

Neural foramen: There is mild bilateral foraminal stenosis at T8-T9 and T9-T10 related to degenerative change.

Mild chronic compression fractures of T5, T6, and with less than 10% loss of anterior vertebral body height.

A prominent superior endplate internal disc disruption of Schmorl's node is identified involving T11.

There is a perineural nerve root sleeve tumor (a schwannomas) seen within the right foramen at the T9-10 level
. Keep in mind this stupid tumor has settled where the syrinx.

The schwannoma is where I truly get, pardon my language, screwed over. It is cancer or it isn't cancer. But I cannot get tested to find out. Right now it is contained, touching it would release cancer cells into my system so no touching it. It is in a really bad place as far as my spine is concerned. Very hard to reach. If it grows enough and touches the cord, it will make me a quadriplegic. If it grows and they try to take it out, it is such a delicate operation, I risk becoming a quadriplegic. I don't want to be a quadriplegic. I am supposed to get an MRI on it every year. MRI's are hard for me to do. I have refused to continue the process.

Meanwhile, this stupid tumor on a spinal nerve root causes PAIN to my shoulder blade, pain which raps around my ribs. and pain into my chest. Chronic continuous pain, as does my stupid neck. It also causes other complications.

The fractures, OMG, they don't heal. They just are there and painful. Sometimes if I move wrong, something gets pinched and causes severe pain for several hours. This area hurts all the time. Once I moved wrong and screamed mindlessly for 15 minutes.

The Lumber Spine

I have a variety of different MRI's of my lumber spine. Sometime before 2004 my disc at L4/L5 exploded in my sleep. Pieces of the disc hit nerves etc. I had my first surgery. After surgery, I was still in extreme pain. Another MRI, showed the first surgeon missed several pieces of the shattered part of the discs and those pieces migrated into the spinal cord and put pressure on the spine. I had a second surgery to correct the first. The first surgeon put the incision in the wrong place. Resulting in nerve damage to a major nerve and anytime I have lower back surgery that incision must be used for blood loss to the skin in that area will occur. Sigh.

MRI 2017 (Most of my MRI"s are done without contrast due to complications with my one kidney)

L1-L2 The posterior margin of the intervertebral disc is flat. There is mild facet arthritis.

L2-L3 There is mild facet hypertrophy.

L3-L4 There is mild narrowing of the intervertebral disc. The posterior margin of the intervertebral disc is flat. There is mild-moderate facet arthritis.

L4-L5 There is mild generalized annular bulging and there is midline hyperintensity with the annulus compatible with a small annular tear. There is bilateral facet arthritis.

Once again a major part of my post is missing. It is half finished, I will finish it another time.
 

Aneeda72

New member
Original Poster
Keesha,

You also asked how I am socially. I am very socially isolated at this time. But I do ok when I am in social settings, I talk too much. I don't do large gatherings. I am no longer, for the most part, a door mat like I used to be. Therefore, if you push, I will push back if I think it is called for. My husband hates that I stand up to him now.

It never occurred to me not to have children. I knew I wasn't an abusive person so I never worried about this. Although I married abusive men. Sigh.

Bingo,

Lots of people's childhood were worst than mine. When I hospitalized for the pnemonia and the beating my dad gave me, I was put on a children's ward. I was around 7-10 years old. She was three or four; and wrapped in lots of bandages. She had been burned by her parents. She was quiet. She died shortly after I entered the ward.

We all handle out pasts in the ways that work best for us. Our parents must have been haunted by their childhoods to treat us so despicably.
 

Keesha

Playful Scamp
Location
Canada
Hi Aneeda ,


I’m so sorry you are in such pain. That’s such a shame. Your injuries sound extensive.


Why are you so isolated now?


That’s good to know you are good in a social setting. That makes life run more smoothly. It appears that you do just fine in social settings. We have some things in common;large crowds being overwhelming, struggles with insecurities and learning to become more assertive without becoming arrogant and cocky. Me... needs work.


That’s great that you had no worries about having children. You appear to be an excellent mother with lots of love and patience. For you to also adopt abused children is incredible. They are lucky to have you.


My reason for not wanting children wasn’t at all that I was afraid I’d abuse them physically and intentionally. No way. That wouldn’t happen. What I worried about was passing down mental disorders and rare metabolic disorders. If I could stop a child from having a life plagued by these disorders then I would ‘cause they’ve been horrible to live with.


You are right Aneeda. We do all handle our pasts in ways that work best for us. There have many years I needed a ‘no contact’ relationship. It really was easier but then things shift and major change is required. It’s super stressful but required.
 

Aneeda72

New member
Original Poster
I am isolated because everyone in the neighborhood works but me. We are the oldest couple, and everyone has young children at home.
 

Aneeda72

New member
Original Poster
With my daughter moving and taking her daughter and her daughter taking her daughter, I find I can no longer live in this house. I just put a door between the family room and hallway to keep the baby safe. We have two tables in the dining room so all of us fit. We have enough chairs in the living room for all the adults.

I could go on. This house, home, echoes with all their voices. We bought it so we could all fit together, and have get togethers with all of us. I will always hear her voice, calling from the front door, I will always see the baby crawling on the floor. I will always be sad in this house.

As soon as possible, we will put the house up for sale, before the end of summer at the lastest, and move. We have begun looking at apartments . I will never buy a house again. I am just too sad at the turn of these events. At my last doctors’ appointment my doctor turned to me and said “you know your husband will die. You need to make plans, soon.”

I plan to sell the house soon. I plan to finish my days in an apartment. I plan to be as little a burden to my son as I can. Those, for now, are my plans.
 


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