Let's see Ralphy. I'll give you an outline of my first birth experience and you can decide how satisfying you would find it.
At midnight, one week before my due date, my waters broke, which is an indication that you should go immediately to hospital so my husband drove me there with my suitcase. He was dismissed by the Sister on duty and I was taken in, shaved and then given an enema. Both experiences were new to me and very embarrassing, humiliating even. I was 20 yo at the time and not very sophisticated. I was put to bed in the general maternity ward and must have been given some knockout drops to make me sleep.
Labour started sometime the next day but I was still groggy until around 5.00 pm and was unable to sit up to eat meals that were put before me and as far as I know did not drink either. In my befuddled state I decided that I was hot and I remember removing my hospital gown and throwing it on the floor in front of other patients visitors.
That's when they decided to move me down to a delivery room. As I said, by evening the fog in my head lifted and I was thereafter able to control my actions. Contractions were strong and I tried to do the right thing with the breathing but I was alone in the delivery room. Nurses looked in from time to time and helpfully took a look at the business end. More than once they encouraged me by telling me that my baby had black hair.
My doctor was apparently on holiday so they brought in someone else. I have no idea who he was. He might have been a locum or he may have been on duty that night but he was a tanned man with hairy arms and I thought he looked like a gardener. Then my contractions stopped because I was quite exhausted, having had no nourishment for 24 hours. They offered me some orange juice which I drank, then projectile vomited over someone in the room. I apologised.
Eventually the contractions began again and I pushed and pushed but had trouble holding up my head because I was pretty exhausted. I remember a nurse with a Chinese face who held my head up to help me push. Just before my baby emerged they held a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply. It was something like ether and I began to float but was still alert. I thought they were about to cut me open and in mild panic I muttered "I'm still conscious" to warn them that the anaesthetic hadn't yet taken effect. I had no idea that the mask beside the bed could have been used during labour for pain relief. No-one told me.
My baby was born around 10.00 pm but was not shown to me. I did not get to hold her that night. Her birth weight, I found out later, was a hefty 8 pound 15 1/2 ounces. I was a small woman just 5 ft 1 1/2 in tall but blessed with what people described as a magnificent set of child bearing hips.
They took her away to the nursery and proceeded to attend to me, afterbirth, stitches etc. Then everyone buggered off and left me alone again. Around midnight I was returned to the ward but could not sleep easily. I felt I had to lie on my back all night lest my poor overstretched abdominal organs fall out. It was the weirdest feeling.
Next morning, at 6 am trolleys of babies were wheeled out of the nursery and mine was not there. She didn't show up until 10 am, a full 12 hours after the birth. That was the first time I saw her and was able check out the number of fingers, toes etc. I had been needlessly worried because I feared she might have deformed feet because I had a cousin who was born with club feet.
Finally, hubby was allowed in to visit me for one hour at 2.00 pm i.e. during normal visiting hours.
Ralphy, if this is the experience you envy, I wish you all the best. Perhaps in your next incarnation?
