My Dad Died Last Night 🙁

[Poppyseed]

Thanks Vaughan.
He had an amazing life doing what he loved. My dad was healthy his entire life except for the last few months. He’s now in a better place or at least I believe he is.
Thank you for reaching

 

[Poppyseed]

Thanks Vaughan.
He had an amazing life doing what he loved. My dad was healthy his entire life except for the last few months. He’s now in a better place or at least I believe he is.
Thank you for reaching out

Very sorry for your loss.

 

[seadoug]

Thank you Respondering.
We have a common denominator.
While I did my best to care for my parents for years, I sometimes wonder how my life would be different if I didn’t. That ‘woulda’, coulda’, shoulda’, …..but ‘didn’t ‘ kicked in quite a few times.

Patty, I'm not sure how I missed your OP but please accept my sincere condolences. Please take time to grieve. I didn't do that when my father passed away and the grief would hit me at the most random times.

I was also the caregiver for my mother for 21 years after my father died. She wasn't self-sufficient because she didn't drive and my father had made all the decisions. I remember flying to Buenos Aires for a conference and returning home the next day because she had been taken to the hospital for a stroke. She was fine when I arrived home. My partner and I were scheduled to go to Capetown (one of my bucket list destinations) for a conference and had to cancel because my mother became ill.

Yes, there have been lots of "woulda', coulda' shoulda's", but when she passed away in 2021 I had no regrets and felt at peace because I knew I had been the best possible son to her. You should feel the same about your role as a daughter.

 

[PeppermintPatty]

Thank you for the beautiful music and for a glimpse into the life of your gifted father.

It IS beautiful music. My father was very gifted. These last few years every time I heard Chopin I’d think of my dad. He could harmonize anything so was a delight to sing with. Now that he’s gone, his better side is shining through. I think of him often with fond memories. I’m creating a strong, loving legacy of my dad by picking and choosing which things I’d like to highlight.
Something I should do with all memories.
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

I still can’t believe my father’s gone. It’s still surreal.

 

[PeppermintPatty]

We do have something in common, PeppermintPatty....I was my mother's sole care giver for 17 years. I sometimes wonder how the trajectory of my life would have differed had I insisted that my two brothers share in the responsibility.
But I did my duty without help and she's been gone for five years now.
So like you I said my goodbyes. Nothing for it now but to move on from where we are.
You deserve to be proud of having done your best to care for your parents.

Seventeen years is a big commitment Repondering. I hope you’ve made peace with it.

For myself, it ‘s taken 5 to 6 years just to process what happened . My memories are bittersweet. It was difficult on so many levels.
If I hadn’t intervened, my parents might have gotten into assisted living 3 years sooner. They’d have their meals made for them, their suites cleaned, laundry done plus have physiotherapy, massage theory , a heated pool, courier service. They would have had the proper care they needed as they aged. All this would have made the quality of their life so much better.

When people think of old folks homes they imagine people in wheelchairs and not very mobile. There’s a stage before that. A retirement stage where you get spoiled silly, if you have the funds and they did.

Once they lost their drivers licence and had a doctors request to have their house shut down due to excess garbage and rodents.
I often wonder what would have happened if I didn’t intervene.

That’s my biggest coulda’, shoulda’, woulda’, ……..didn’t. Ruminating! It’s taken about 5 years to process it all and come to peace with it. Every now and again it haunts me.

Seventeen years…. I can’t imagine. Literally.

 

[Timewise 60+]

Thanks again hearlady,

hi Timewise
I hope he felt blessed to have me in his life.
I made them many gifts including a folding fishing stool I made in grade 7 woodworking class. I took back the pictures I painted. Now they are in my house. My brother is currently living in their house with most of their things.
He singularly inherited every single thing. My name wasn’t even mentioned in their will. It’s like they forgot they had me. THAT hurt more than broken bones.

Patty,
When people get old, they frequently turn on some of those who loved them. It is so sad and strange when this happens, but it is related to aging. I have seen this in my lifetime, far too often. I cannot be sure about this with your dad, but it may have been part of what happened as they aged.

 

[Repondering]

Seventeen years is a big commitment Repondering. I hope you’ve made peace with it.

For myself, it ‘s taken 5 to 6 years just to process what happened . My memories are bittersweet. It was difficult on so many levels.
If I hadn’t intervened, my parents might have gotten into assisted living 3 years sooner. They’d have their meals made for them, their suites cleaned, laundry done plus have physiotherapy, massage theory , a heated pool, courier service. They would have had the proper care they needed as they aged. All this would have made the quality of their life so much better.

When people think of old folks homes they imagine people in wheelchairs and not very mobile. There’s a stage before that. A retirement stage where you get spoiled silly, if you have the funds and they did.

Once they lost their drivers licence and had a doctors request to have their house shut down due to excess garbage and rodents.
I often wonder what would have happened if I didn’t intervene.

That’s my biggest coulda’, shoulda’, woulda’, ……..didn’t. Ruminating! It’s taken about 5 years to process it all and come to peace with it. Every now and again it haunts me.

Seventeen years…. I can’t imagine. Literally.

The past is a foreign country, occupied by people who behaved in ways that seemed right to them at the time. It's a done deal now, a fait accompli.

The present is where we live. Let's endeavor to forgive ourselves for what we think we did wrong and let ourselves feel good about we did well.

The future hasn't happened yet so let's shape how it turns out with some understanding that we learned in the past.

 

[PeppermintPatty]

Patty, I'm not sure how I missed your OP but please accept my sincere condolences. Please take time to grieve. I didn't do that when my father passed away and the grief would hit me at the most random times.

I was also the caregiver for my mother for 21 years after my father died. She wasn't self-sufficient because she didn't drive and my father had made all the decisions. I remember flying to Buenos Aires for a conference and returning home the next day because she had been taken to the hospital for a stroke. She was fine when I arrived home. My partner and I were scheduled to go to Capetown (one of my bucket list destinations) for a conference and had to cancel because my mother became ill.

Yes, there have been lots of "woulda', coulda' shoulda's", but when she passed away in 2021 I had no regrets and felt at peace because I knew I had been the best possible son to her. You should feel the same about your role as a daughter.

Hi seadoug
I’ve been grieving my father for years. To be honest, I think all that extra thinking prepared me for his death.

Death is a natural thing.
Once suffering takes place, it’s its ‘own’ haven/ heaven . He’s at a place where the light shines warmth every loving moment, and is beyond time and space.

A place where he knows the absolute truth. A place where there’s no ego, no lies. A place beyond his physical body.

I am sincerely happy for him
… and a tad jealous.

Twenty one years! That’s quite the commitment. When I hear of people just dying in their sleep, I think they must be ‘blessed’ somehow.

My dad had a fabulous life. He married the woman he loved , had 3 children , and travelled the world wining , dining and dancing. He played the piano and sang until he just couldn’t any more.

He said when he first got in the nursing home he sat down at the bench . He said some guy stood by him and asked if he played and he said I used to and tried to play Chopin. The look on his face was one of such defeat it brings me to tears when I think of it.

He stayed in a home the last 3 years of his life
I try not to have regrets but my options were limited.

 

[PeppermintPatty]

Patty,
When people get old, they frequently turn on some of those who loved them. It is so sad and strange when this happens, but it is related to aging. I have seen this in my lifetime, far too often. I cannot be sure about this with your dad, but it may have been part of what happened as they aged.

While registering my parents at the nursing home, the administrator said that it is common for older people to mistreat their caregivers.

It was made me feel better

 

[PeppermintPatty]

The past is a foreign country, occupied by people who behaved in ways that seemed right to them at the time. It's a done deal now, a fait accompli.

The present is where we live. Let's endeavor to forgive ourselves for what we think we did wrong and let ourselves feel good about we did well.

The future hasn't happened yet so let's shape how it turns out with some understanding that we learned in the past.

The present is a gift.
Let’s shape how it turns out with some understanding that we learned in ( from ) the past.

NOW is the only time we have. The rest is either a memory or doesn’t yet exist.

 

[Timewise 60+]

FYI...Patty let me give you an old man's perspective. I don't feel old, but I am 73 as is my wife. I don't feel old, but when I look in a mirror, I know I am what I used to call an old man! After having helped both of my parents and my wife's father through their old age I understand that if I live long enough, I will be best off in a nursing home. I have three kids they all have kids of their own and one of those kids has a new baby. All of my Grandkids are married with kids, except for two that are now teenagers.

Now the point I want to make is that I clearly understand that I will be in a nursing home if I live long enough, the same goes for my wife. At some point one or both of us will get to a point where we cannot take care of ourselves and may even do some things we should not do, like driving all over the place...

So don't feel bad if your parents fight it, if they do it is their problem, not yours. No clear-thinking parent wants to become a burden on their kids, it is not natural or normal in today's world.

Have no regrets...you did what was best!

 

[PeppermintPatty]

FYI...Patty let me give you an old man's perspective. I don't feel old, but I am 73 as is my wife. I don't feel old, but when I look in a mirror, I know I am what I used to call an old man! After having helped both of my parents and my wife's father through their old age I understand that if I live long enough, I will be best off in a nursing home. I have three kids they all have kids of their own and one of those kids has a new baby. All of my Grandkids are married with kids, except for two that are now teenagers.

Now the point I want to make is that I clearly understand that I will be in a nursing home if I live long enough, the same goes for my wife. At some point one or both of us will get to a point where we cannot take care of ourselves and may even do some things we should not do, like driving all over the place...

So don't feel bad if your parents fight it, if they do it is their problem, not yours. No clear-thinking parent wants to become a burden on their kids, it is not natural or normal in today's world.

Have no regrets...you did what was best!

I don’t feel bad putting my parents in a nursing home. They got 3 extra years of living life how they wanted due to my selfless actions.

Why would I ever feel bad?

Note: I’m not playing this stupid game again.

 

[oldsunbird]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved father. Sending warm thoughts and hugs.

 

[PeppermintPatty]

I don’t feel bad putting my parents in a nursing home. They got 3 extra years of living life how they wanted due to my selfless actions.

Why would I ever feel bad?

Note: I’m not playing this stupid game again.

Sorry @Timewise 60+
I just read my post from the other day. Please forgive my words. Your post was so very nice. I went through years of guilting myself out so your post truly was on point.

 

[PeppermintPatty]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved father. Sending warm thoughts and hugs.

Thank you.

 

[PeppermintPatty]

Here is the last picture I painted especially for my dad. It’s the place he used to swim .
Sometimes the waves were this big. You can see the other side he used to swim to.
It’s painted in acrylics.