Narcissistic people masquerading as friends

Sorry Rose, you are not being authentic with this woman. Avoidance is not the way to go. While avoidance provides short-term relief, overusing it can cause more stress for both of you. In addition, all we’ve heard is your side of the story.

If you know her address the best thing to do is sit down and write her a letter, or send an email. Tell her your feelings and why you must put a cap on the friendship for a while.

Also mention under the circumstances, you will be the one to contact her when you are ready and would greatly appreciate it if she would take your request seriously, as you are not well.

You say you have been friends for a long time…you share a history with her.. surely she deserves a respectful exit from your life!
Be open and honest … it is not fair to continue to let her leave messages on your phone in the hope she will “fade away”… it is not polite.
 
Jamala said:
Sorry Rose, you are not being authentic with this woman. Avoidance is not the way to go. While avoidance provides short-term relief, overusing it can cause more stress for both of you. In addition, all we’ve heard is your side of the story.

If you know her address the best thing to do is sit down and write her a letter, or send an email. Tell her your feelings and why you must put a cap on the friendship for a while.

Also mention under the circumstances, you will be the one to contact her when you are ready and would greatly appreciate it if she would take your request seriously, as you are not well.

You say you have been friends for a long time…you share a history with her.. surely she deserves a respectful exit from your life!
Be open and honest … it is not fair to continue to let her leave messages on your phone in the hope she will “fade away”… it is not polite.
Click to expand...
I did write a while back, it did no good.

Actually, who is it that has the incorrect etiquette? Would you carry on plaguing someone if they didn't reply? Surely that is the action of an obsessive?
 

You are driving yourself nuts with this problem. I agree with others who said to tell her you are not interested in a friendship with her. And actually say, " Please quit contacting me and leave me the hell alone! I no longer value our friendship." Then (this is difficult) hang up the phone.

I think she has mental problems. She is causing you harm. Do what you must do to get her off your back.
 
Devi said:
She sounds pretty toxic. I'm wondering if you'd feel better with her out of the picture.

Which, of course, sounds like what you're trying to do — although she's not out of the picture yet.

If it were me, I'd just keep her waaay at arm's length, like you're doing now. Give her no attention. Stretch that time out until it's forever.

I wouldn't worry about swearing at her, although if swearing is a big issue to you, you could always just tell her you've ... moved on, or are too busy with your own things nowadays, or something like that, and wish her well on her journey.

I mean, people do move on from relationships. It's allowed.
Click to expand...
 
Having, with one exception, always been on the other side of this (I'm the one who people want to stop calling them), maybe I can offer some insight. And I realize that I can only tell you what worked with me, not the person you're dealing with or anyone else for that matter; you said the one you're dealing with may be a narcissist and I've never been accused of that, only of being weird and/or boring. People may well think I'm a narcissist and just haven't told me, but anyway.

What shuts me down the fastest & causes me the least disappointment/hurt/insult, etc. is to do it privately (causing the least amount of embarrassment) and in a sad--I realize you may not be sad to have to do this at all, but pretend--regretful manner say something like:

"You've been asking about going to lunch (or coffee or whatever) and I am so sorry but there's stuff going on with me that's making stuff hard for me right now and frankly, I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to do lunch (or coffee or socialize or whatever) with you again. I am so sorry but that's what I'm having to do so I hope you understand."

And if this is done face-to-face, have a sad, regretful look on your face.

Yeah, depending on your situation, that might be a totally phony way of doing it, but that's what shuts me down the fastest and easiest.

The last time that method worked on me was a couple of years ago--I've finally given up on socializing--so it could be outdated but it's what used to work on me.
 
Rose65 said:
I did write a while back, it did no good.

Actually, who is it that has the incorrect etiquette? Would you carry on plaguing someone if they didn't reply? Surely that is the action of an obsessive?
Click to expand...
Quite frankly... this could be over and done with rather quickly. Enlist your husband to take the next call and tell her the situation.
Why prolong this?
 
officerripley said:
Having, with one exception, always been on the other side of this (I'm the one who people want to stop calling them), maybe I can offer some insight. And I realize that I can only tell you what worked with me, not the person you're dealing with or anyone else for that matter; you said the one you're dealing with may be a narcissist and I've never been accused of that, only of being weird and/or boring. People may well think I'm a narcissist and just haven't told me, but anyway.

What shuts me down the fastest & causes me the least disappointment/hurt/insult, etc. is to do it privately (causing the least amount of embarrassment) and in a sad--I realize you may not be sad to have to do this at all, but pretend--regretful manner say something like:

"You've been asking about going to lunch (or coffee or whatever) and I am so sorry but there's stuff going on with me that's making stuff hard for me right now and frankly, I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to do lunch (or coffee or socialize or whatever) with you again. I am so sorry but that's what I'm having to do so I hope you understand."

And if this is done face-to-face, have a sad, regretful look on your face.

Yeah, depending on your situation, that might be a totally phony way of doing it, but that's what shuts me down the fastest and easiest.

The last time that method worked on me was a couple of years ago--I've finally given up on socializing--so it could be outdated but it's what used to work on me.
Click to expand...
That is so very honest and brave of you. Thankyou.
 
Not being comfortable with conflict is not a character flaw. It often speaks to shyness and sensitivity. Add depression, illness, and the problem is magnified. How ever well intentioned, exhortations that the OP just get

on with it, buck up and cope, only serve to worsen the situation. The implication that she is making a mountain out of a molehill is shaming.

Criticising her character also. People, please be kind. She was brave in reaching out to us. Please let us respect that courage.
 
Rose65 said:
This woman is seriously getting to me now. She keeps leaving messages every couple of days, saying she doesn't understand why I don't call. She is also pestering a mutual friend to call me to find out the problem, this is unforgivable because he is a bereaved man who is so nice and so vulnerable.

I am at my wit's end. I know it sounds awful but if I call her it means her persistence paid off yet again. Just like any stalker.

I know eventually I will lose my temper really badly and will swear at her as a last resort. With some hardened insensitive types it really is the only way. But if I do that I will feel absolutely terrible,that negativity is so destructive to everyone. I've had to do that with a family member a while back and it sent me into a terribly deep depression.

We all surely want to be nice, peaceful and pleasant. But some people bring out the worst in us. Most people get the hint if you lose contact, they understand, shrug and move on surely?

Sorry for such a rant but I just don't know what to do.
Click to expand...
Rose65: I can tell this is really getting to you. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, so ring her up and give her an earful and hang up before she gets a word in. It will work, believe me.
 
According to the American Psychological Association enabling can refer to patterns that support any harmful or problematic behaviour and make it easier for that behaviour to continue. It’s important to realize enabling doesn’t really help… empowering someone, helps.

At the end of the day, we know only one side of the story. No matter how flat a pancake is, it always has two sides! This woman is unknown to everyone on the thread except Rose... yet... she has been called “narcissist”, someone with “mental problems” and derided.

Very sad indeed….
 
My wife had an old friend who moved out of state and would call and drone on and on about things in their former lives. DW finally wrote the gal a letter, stating that she was not interested in carrying on with the friendship that had expired. No more calls.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
The term narcissist seems to be the latest ‘woke’ word used for people you no longer like or never did.

From reading your opening post, you describe this woman, who has been in one of your social circles, as charming, attentive, narcissistic, manipulative, draining, flirty, pretentious and glamorous.

You’ve suddenly concluded and diagnosed her with a mental disorder claiming she’s too toxic for you and how she’s now stalking you by leaving messages stating she’s worried and concerned for you.

She’s leaving all kinds of messages because she didn’t get the memo claiming she’s a selfish, toxic , manipulative, pretentious, narcissistic stalker. She’s leaving messages claiming she’s worried. There’s nothing abnormal about that. Friends tend to worry about their friends when they don’t hear from them in a while. She doesn’t know you ‘now’ feel this way. You are playing an unfair game with this sudden ex - friend. 🤷‍♀️

If this friend has suddenly become your EX - friend then the fairest thing for both of you , would be for you to tell her that you have moved on and no longer wish to associate with her any longer.

It sounds as though you’ve gossiped about this person to all your other friends to get to this conclusion and are on here discussing it with us. You’ve clearly made up your mind that she’s not good for your health while she’s relentlessly trying to reach you to make sure you are ok.

There’s always 2 sides to every story. If ‘you’ are the one who has suddenly realized that you no longer want her as a friend, for whatever reasons, then ‘you’ should be the one to make your wishes ‘known,’ but to HER!

She might be all you claim, but she still deserves the respect of ‘giving her the “I don’t want to be your friend” memo. Send her a ‘snail mail’ card requesting your desires. You don’t have to give detailed reasons.

I think how you are dealing with this is immature and cowardly.
Click to expand...

Well said ......
 
I haven't had this situation happen to me, but it has happened to my mother. She told this person frankly that she was not feeling well, and that she did not have the energy to talk on the phone or go out for lunch. Then she would hang up, apologizing weakly. She did this each time that person called. Sometimes she would not answer the phone. That person finally stopped calling.
 
Pepper said:
We're not all therapists. We are regular people asked for OUR opinions on the subject. The only director of this particular 'show' should be Rose. If we can't give our honest thoughts on a subject, why bother at all? I believe Rose wants our heartfelt honesty.
Click to expand...
True and if you are expecting heart felt honesty. the feedback might not match up with what you might be expecting.
 
Every couple of days she leaves a silent phone call. Often we are eating, or I am relaxing. I know when I check 1471.
It seems a tiny thing but it shatters my peace. I do not wish to speak to this woman. No amount of hinting is going to work, it's been months.
My urge is to snatch up the phone and use extremely unladylike language. This will distress her but the impact on me will be worse. I have recently come out of a long depression phase, I know it will plunge me back into it.

So this is how it feels to be stalked. The stalker and stalkee enter into a battle of wills, seeing who will weaken first. It is not always the classic case of a man chasing a woman, perhaps after being dumped.

Ps I did write to her. She simply began writing letters back. Then began calling fruitlessly again.
 
Time to invest in Call Guardian UK, Rose.

Call Guardian means that any caller not on your contact list is required to announce their name prior to getting through.

That means your ex-friend will not be able to get to you nor will she be able to leave a silent call. You will be free.

We have a couple of these phones in our home, because we’re fed up with scam callers. Now we have no unwelcome calls.

Read about Call Guardian here:

BT Advanced Twin Cordless Phone with Answer and Nuisance Call Block
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top