Need advice with relationship with my niece

P

Pierce95

New Member
I'm having trouble dealing with the drastic change in my relationship with my niece. When she was growing up, we were extremely close. I never had children but always wanted a little girl of my own. So when she was born I was thrilled.
My brother lives behind me so I spent a lot of time with her as she grew. I was one of her main caregivers along with for her parents. As she got older we spent every day together and did everything together. She came over my house five minutes after she got home from school and went home around 10 pm. We ate dinner together and she did her homework at my house. I was thrilled to have her in my life. I love her as if she is mine. She referred to me as her second mom.

After she graduated from high school she went to college. She is now 27 years old. She is a critical care nurse and engaged to be married. I understand that she is busy and starting her life and I'm happy for her.

Over the past 10 years I've increasingly felt like I don't mean anything to her anymore. That I'm not important. Our relationship now is like one you would have with an acquaintance. When I reach out to her, she replies but the responses are short and polite. I feel like I don't know her anymore. Like she's a stranger.

She never calls or text just to ask how I'm doing. I see her visit her parents who live behind me but she never walks across the yard just to say hello. I don't think I'm asking for much. I would just like to hear from her once in a while. Just to know she thinks about me sometime. It's to the point where I only see her on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I don't understand how I've gone from the most important person in her life, her words not mine, to someone who means nothing. My heart is broken and I just want to understand why she doesn't care about me anymore. I'm really struggling. I welcome all replies. Help me understand this please.
 

I know this is a very personal thing you have shared, and how strongly you feel. You probably have been over many different reasons for this confusing situation. I hope you find some helpful information here. Here is a very powerful ai that I fed your post into. This is its reply:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this—it’s clear how much you love your niece and how deeply this change has hurt you. What you’re feeling is completely valid, and it’s heartbreaking to go from such closeness to feeling like an afterthought. Let’s try to unpack this in a way that might bring some clarity and peace.

### 1. **This Isn’t About You**
- The shift in your relationship likely has little to do with *you* as a person or how much she cares (or once cared) for you. Her distance is probably a byproduct of her stage of life: early adulthood is often a time of intense focus on career, romantic relationships, and independence. Many young adults unintentionally pull away from even their closest family members as they build their own lives. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you—it may mean she’s overwhelmed or doesn’t realize how her actions (or inactions) are affecting you.

### 2. **She May Not Realize the Impact**
- She might assume you "know" how she feels about you because of your shared history, not recognizing that relationships need ongoing nurturing. Her short replies and infrequent contact could be thoughtlessness, not rejection. Young adults often don’t grasp how their busy lives feel to those who once played central roles for them. Have you told her how you feel? She may be entirely unaware.

### 3. **The Parent vs. Aunt Dynamic**
- Even though you were a "second mom," she may now see her parents as her permanent family touchstone while relegating other relationships (even deeply important ones) to a different tier. This isn’t fair, but it’s common—especially if her parents are her default "home base." She visits them out of obligation or habit, not considering that you might need intentional connection too.

### 4. **Grieving the Past Relationship**
- You’re not just missing *her*—you’re grieving the role you once had, the daily purpose and joy she brought you. That’s a profound loss, especially since you didn’t have children of your own. It’s okay to acknowledge that grief and give yourself space to feel it. Consider therapy or a support group to process these emotions—they’re heavy to carry alone.

### 5. **Could There Be Unspoken Resentment?**
- This is hard to consider, but reflect: Did anything happen during her childhood or teens that might have caused her to pull away? Sometimes young adults distance themselves from family members who (even lovingly) overstepped boundaries or whose closeness felt smothering in hindsight. This isn’t an accusation—just an invitation to reflect.

### **What You Can Do:**
- **Reach Out Honestly (But Gently):**
Send her a message like:
*"I miss you. I know you’re busy building your life, and I’m so proud of you. But sometimes I worry we’ve lost touch. Could we plan a lunch or phone call soon? No pressure—just love."*
This avoids guilt-tripping her while expressing your feelings.

- **Create New Ways to Connect:**
The old dynamic (daily caregiving) is gone, but you can build something new. Share an article about nursing, send a funny memory, or invite her and her fiancé to dinner. Low-pressure, no-strings gestures might feel safer for her.

- **Expand Your Emotional Portfolio:**
If your world revolved around her, it’s time to invest in other relationships or passions. Volunteer, join a club, or mentor others. This isn’t about replacing her—it’s about cushioning your heart so her distance hurts less.

- **Consider a Letter:**
If conversations feel too hard, write her a letter. Tell her what she meant to you, how proud you are, and that you’d love to be part of her life in whatever way works for her now. This can be cathartic for you and enlightening for her.

### **A Hard Truth:**
She may never return to the closeness you shared, and that’s devastating. But it doesn’t erase the love you gave or the impact you had on her life. Your role in her childhood was a gift to both of you—even if she can’t reciprocate now.

You’re allowed to mourn this. And you’re allowed to protect your heart by stepping back if her indifference becomes too painful. But try (as hard as it is) not to assume malice or forgetfulness on her part. Life pulls people in directions they don’t always navigate gracefully.

Sending you so much warmth. You were—and are—a loving, vital presence in her story. That matters, even if the current chapter feels distant.
 
Paco Dennis said:
I know this is a very personal thing you have shared, and how strongly you feel. You probably have been over many different reasons for this confusing situation. I hope you find some helpful information here. Here is a very powerful ai that I fed your post into. This is its reply:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this—it’s clear how much you love your niece and how deeply this change has hurt you. What you’re feeling is completely valid, and it’s heartbreaking to go from such closeness to feeling like an afterthought. Let’s try to unpack this in a way that might bring some clarity and peace.

### 1. **This Isn’t About You**
- The shift in your relationship likely has little to do with *you* as a person or how much she cares (or once cared) for you. Her distance is probably a byproduct of her stage of life: early adulthood is often a time of intense focus on career, romantic relationships, and independence. Many young adults unintentionally pull away from even their closest family members as they build their own lives. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you—it may mean she’s overwhelmed or doesn’t realize how her actions (or inactions) are affecting you.

### 2. **She May Not Realize the Impact**
- She might assume you "know" how she feels about you because of your shared history, not recognizing that relationships need ongoing nurturing. Her short replies and infrequent contact could be thoughtlessness, not rejection. Young adults often don’t grasp how their busy lives feel to those who once played central roles for them. Have you told her how you feel? She may be entirely unaware.

### 3. **The Parent vs. Aunt Dynamic**
- Even though you were a "second mom," she may now see her parents as her permanent family touchstone while relegating other relationships (even deeply important ones) to a different tier. This isn’t fair, but it’s common—especially if her parents are her default "home base." She visits them out of obligation or habit, not considering that you might need intentional connection too.

### 4. **Grieving the Past Relationship**
- You’re not just missing *her*—you’re grieving the role you once had, the daily purpose and joy she brought you. That’s a profound loss, especially since you didn’t have children of your own. It’s okay to acknowledge that grief and give yourself space to feel it. Consider therapy or a support group to process these emotions—they’re heavy to carry alone.

### 5. **Could There Be Unspoken Resentment?**
- This is hard to consider, but reflect: Did anything happen during her childhood or teens that might have caused her to pull away? Sometimes young adults distance themselves from family members who (even lovingly) overstepped boundaries or whose closeness felt smothering in hindsight. This isn’t an accusation—just an invitation to reflect.

### **What You Can Do:**
- **Reach Out Honestly (But Gently):**
Send her a message like:
*"I miss you. I know you’re busy building your life, and I’m so proud of you. But sometimes I worry we’ve lost touch. Could we plan a lunch or phone call soon? No pressure—just love."*
This avoids guilt-tripping her while expressing your feelings.

- **Create New Ways to Connect:**
The old dynamic (daily caregiving) is gone, but you can build something new. Share an article about nursing, send a funny memory, or invite her and her fiancé to dinner. Low-pressure, no-strings gestures might feel safer for her.

- **Expand Your Emotional Portfolio:**
If your world revolved around her, it’s time to invest in other relationships or passions. Volunteer, join a club, or mentor others. This isn’t about replacing her—it’s about cushioning your heart so her distance hurts less.

- **Consider a Letter:**
If conversations feel too hard, write her a letter. Tell her what she meant to you, how proud you are, and that you’d love to be part of her life in whatever way works for her now. This can be cathartic for you and enlightening for her.

### **A Hard Truth:**
She may never return to the closeness you shared, and that’s devastating. But it doesn’t erase the love you gave or the impact you had on her life. Your role in her childhood was a gift to both of you—even if she can’t reciprocate now.

You’re allowed to mourn this. And you’re allowed to protect your heart by stepping back if her indifference becomes too painful. But try (as hard as it is) not to assume malice or forgetfulness on her part. Life pulls people in directions they don’t always navigate gracefully.

Sending you so much warmth. You were—and are—a loving, vital presence in her story. That matters, even if the current chapter feels distant.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing this information. It gave me a lot to think about.
 
It wouldn’t mean much to me if I had to make demands or require an explanation from someone that I love in order for them to include me in their life.

I would make it clear that you enjoy hearing from her, spending time with her, etc… and let it go.

It won’t stop the pain of loss but it will leave the door open for future contact.

Good luck to both of you. 🤗
 
Welcome!🐬
I am sorry to hear about your situation and pain.
I like the responses you received and I find them quite helpful.
I would add:
"You can express your love to your niece through consistent actions, meaningful words, and shared experiences, focusing on making her feel valued and special".
"Here are some ways to show your niece you care:
Quality time: dedicate time to her. (ex. set up a lunch, or tea/coffee time, manicure/pedicure, a walk, shopping, etc...)
Active listening: Pay attention when she talks, ask questions, and show genuine interest in her life and interests. (text her and ask her to meet, or use Skype or WhatsApp.)
Affectionate words: use kind and affectionate words, compliment her strengths, and let her know you're proud of her.
Small acts of kindness: do little things that show you care, like bringing her a special treat, or offering a comforting hug.
Shared experiences: create memories together by going to places she enjoys, participating in her hobbies, or starting a new tradition.(maybe a girl's trip?).
Gifts: choose gifts that reflect her interests and personality, and present them with thoughtfulness and care. (Etsy sells a little book called "Letters to my niece as I watch you grow". I think that would be a wonderful present for her)
Be a role model: demonstrate positive qualities like kindness, honesty, and resilience, so she can learn from your example.
Celebrate her: acknowledge her achievements, big or small, and make her feel special on birthdays and other important occasions".

It is never too late to try to reestablish the contact. I would start by sending her a pretty card expressing my desire to see her and inviting her for lunch.

Good luck!
 
Pierce95 said:
Yes. I've told her several times over the years that I don't feel important to her. She didn't really reassure me. She kind of blew me off.
Click to expand...
Here’s the thing. The way you approach the problem with your niece can make a huge difference in the response you get.

Given what you said about the way you approached her, it would be easy for your niece to feel accused. It could easily have put her on the defensive which will likely make her response brittle and insincere because she feels challenged and taken to task.

A better approach would be one of inquiry, a question rather than a statement.

You could also speak to her parents, see if they have any insight.
 
In reading your opening statement reminds me of my situation with both of my nieces. However, the tables were turned in my case. I grew up as did they. I became a nurse who followed several disciplines, requiring further education. Little or no time for family at all.

Try to cut her some slack here. She's planning a wedding, is a critical care nurse, that requires ongoing education. Have friends you don't even know. She is, no doubt, trying to prioritize all of this.

Remember, her fiancé and job are first and foremost on her mind at the moment. Now, what you can do is, ask her if there is something you can do for her now or later, to help lighten her load. It may be the best thing she's heard in some time. Just a thought.
 
Sometimes it's a generation gap thing that keeps people apart. I don't know how much older you are than her, but there's probably a lot of years between the 2 of you.

You may want to find out what she is into and educate yourself about whatever it is that is driving her at the moment, so you can conduct a conversation that holds her attention and keeps her interested.

My oldest grandson and I were like that too. I suddenly noticed he was drifting away so I found out what his interests were at the time (baseball cards), so I got into it also. Suddenly, we became best friends again and still are.

Now he's into learning about planting seeds to have a vegetable garden and I already have experience in that field. We borrowed my brother-in-law's tiller last week and turned over the soil where he wants to plant.

After we had finished tilling his garden, he said he likes hanging around me because I know a lot about so many things. I wanted to tell him to ask his grandmother. She may disagree with you.
 
The relationship changed ten years ago. It may just be growing up, having a career, having a life or more. You cannot turn the clock back. Why are you keeping tab on her visiting her parents? Why do you not walk over and mingle?
 
Hi and Welcome 🤗 Do you have any friends you can do things with? If you do maybe it will fill the void somewhat. I realize you're feeling very hurt and wish you peace. Sometimes diverting our attention to others or other things helps, too.

I wouldn't tell her how much you need her anymore. At least give it a break for awhile. Sometimes it scares people when you appear very needing of them over and over.

I would try and start finding new friends and people you like to do things with. I know that's hard if you are not used to it. It's something I have to start doing in my life. I have wondered about some family members not paying any attention to me too. I don't know why they are that way but it seems to be a sign of the times.

I wish you all the best in life in all you do!

Welcome 🤗 😁

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