Need insights and advices on my husband's behaviour after the retirement

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Cosmos70

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Hi:
This is anything serious going on, .... however it bothers me sometime, then I need your advices and insights on this matter, ...

My husband with many years is quite nice to women, particularly desperate women, i.e., women with no husband, women without transportation, etc.

My husband's niceness towards women is NEVER any sexual manners, I know due to his psysical issue, however I'm sometimes concerned and even angry to see his behaviour of niceness towards those form of women. Just recently, I talked about my uneasiness about his behaviour, niceness towards women, however his trying to change or quit it makes him unhappy in his looks along with his body language. I want him being a happy and content person with all my heart.

I try to be an understanding, generous and caring wife on this matter, however I'm sometimes sick to see his eagerness to help those women who are otherwise not able to get any help at all. Also, he does not like to work around the house, except emergency which I can tolerate since the house is in good order thanks to my adult son's help and myself.

Even though, I understand his behaviour is due to his lack of hobbies to enjoy after his retirement, to be frank and honest it bothers me, if not get angry. I hate to keep this inside me since we, both are no longer young adults.

Any insights and advices on this regard would be truly appreciated.

Thanks,
 

Well, there's nothing wrong with being nice to women. Are you talking about a friend or neighbor in need? Has he always taken women under his wing, was he nice and helpful to you when you met and during your relationship?

It could be that he just wants to feel useful, and being appreciated by the women makes him feel better about himself now that he's older. Does he seek out strangers to help, how does he meet up with these women, and how many women are we taking about?? Gotta know a bit more, before giving any real thoughts or advice. BTW, welcome! :)
 
SeaBreeze said:
Well, there's nothing wrong with being nice to women. Are you talking about a friend or neighbor in need? Has he always taken women under his wing, was he nice and helpful to you when you met and during your relationship?

It could be that he just wants to feel useful, and being appreciated by the women makes him feel better about himself now that he's older. Does he seek out strangers to help, how does he meet up with these women, and how many women are we taking about?? Gotta know a bit more, before giving any real thoughts or advice. BTW, welcome! :)
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Thanks for the response.
I understand it's nothing wrong my husband wanting being nice to women in need, however those women are pretty aggressive and persistently asking his help. One of women was crying over the phone about her loneliness along with her difficult working condition, etc. that he spent almost a hour to talk in the midst of dinner time. Just wonder why the heck he needed to talk so much? The next day, I told him not let her call him at home, particuraly during dinner time.

Even though I know he's feeling useful by helping those womn in need, I feel a sort of 'left-out,' because he most of time spent talking and chit-chat with them, .... leaving me to work around the house and most of my waking-time has been doing other things or my hobby, sewing and tending flowers.

My husband is a good man and goes to church every Sundays, however his spending a lot of time helping those women in need is not a right thing since he's a married man that he needs to remember. He met those women mostly through the church and mutual friends. There is never sexual matters involved due to his physical issue, however 'left-out' feeling along with his suble change in life, not drastically but it's apparent which bothers me more than anything else, like cooking-style even my appearance which is not gorgeous, but neat and nice looking.
 

There is a phenomenon known as the Temporary White Knight Syndrome where a male who has experienced a sudden loss, such as being fired or retiring, will focus more on solving the problems of others. They don't see their partner as being in need of rescue - instead they often see them as already being provided for. How much more protected can you get when you're married to the White Knight, right?

But those other poor Fair Maidens, out in that cold, cruel world all alone - they need rescuing! Most often it's a platonic relationship - no sex involved. And the women are often the type who are skilled at manipulation of males. They often have a sad background history as well - abuse, loss of a spouse or child - and use that memory as the fulcrum or trigger-point to activate the White Knight's actions.

As for the Knight himself he might be using this sudden rush of excitement and the feeling of being needed as a replacement for the thrills of work that are now gone.

Just a thought ...
 
I know where you are coming from and totally understand your feelings. Too often the women our husbands are being 'nice' to, take advantage, even can pit themselves against you. You obviously have spoken to your husband so surely he should see where you are coming from and start taking notice of the behaviour of these so called 'helpless' women. Thankfully mine saw the light.
I hope for your sake your husband does too.
All the best.
 
I understand now Cosmos. I wouldn't tolerate that type of relationship if it was my husband and other women. Those women can absolutely get someone else to help them out or somebody else' shoulder to cry on. I would absolutely never, ever, take advantage of any man like that, and I know that by having that kind of relationship is definitely disrespecting his wife...to say the least. :rolleyes:

You know that even though it's not physically sexual, these types of emotional relationships are almost as bad, there are such things as emotional affairs. I suspect that these women are looking for excuses to get in touch with your husband for help, a ride, assistance, counselor or confidant. I'm not buying it that they can't get a relative, handyman, or someone else to help them out if they really need it.

I agree that your husband either has to become more involved with you and the things you do on a daily basis, or get a hobby of his own. I would have a talk with him if it were my husband, and ask him how he would feel if a man was calling me up to chat about his problems at work, or calling me to ask him to drive him somewhere, or asking me to go shopping with him to pick out a suit...whatever.

If he says he wouldn't mind, look him seriously in the eye and ask him, 'really'? If he says again it would be okay, then I'd have to take another approach. I would have a talk with the woman on the side, and tell her to back off. I'd make it clear that even though my husband was very nice and didn't mind doing favors for her, that I did mind it, and won't tolerate it. I'd remind her that a real woman wouldn't take advantage of a man like that, and disrespect his wife in the process.

Maybe you're just too reliable in his mind, and he doesn't feel he needs to pay attention to you any more. Maybe he know that you'll be home, cleaning house, tending the garden and no risk that you're doing otherwise.

If he's not willing to change his habits with women, and find himself a hobby or some men friends to do something with, then you can always use reverse psychology. You can not be home when he gets there and expects you. You can dress a bit nicer, and put on some special make-up, and go out to the movies with a girlfriend or go shopping. Make him a bit jealous, and keep him guessing as to what you're doing, who you're with...and see how that works.

Sometimes they won't realize how they're making you feel, or the wrong in what they're doing, unless the tables are turned. I'm sure you're a very beautiful woman inside and out. You may have to make him think he's pushing you away with his behavior, and possibly there's a man that is comforting you.

It doesn't matter if it's not true, it might just be a wake-up call for him. You absolutely deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your life too, and he should be there for you. You may not want or need to do all the things I suggested, but I think you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. :girl_hug:
 
If I were you I'd talk to your pastor/minister/priest and then try some counselling together.
He needs to be needed and you need to see some balance.
I don't think this problem is insoluble but you each need to hear the other and a mediator will help.
 
Thanks everyone for the responses and thoughts. I really appreciate all.

Just this afternoon, I saw a card from one of aggressive women in need among stack of mails and told him about it. He was on the computer and said 'it must be a card of appreciation' and didn't show an interest in opening it right away. After about 15-20 minutes later, he went to it, but I never asked him anything about it. Afterwards, I warned him not keep in touch with her often, because of her loneliness due to a loss of her husband not long ago along with her aggressiveness and manupulative talkings that I feel 'threat' to our happy marriage. Also, told him she might cause him NOT happy in his retirement age sooner or later. He said he has enough wiseness to handle the situation and not worry, but I repeated twice to him. I know he's thinking about her, ... but unlike last month when he was on the phone talking her for almost an hour, he was calm and laying down watching TV. Certainly, he changed his behaviour towards her on his looks and body language. I didn't bother him thereafter, because his attitudes is 'old himself,' not acting like '15 years old boy.'

Like most of couples, throughout the many years' marriage, we, my husband and I had 'ups and downs' both financially, raising children and his work, but we always managed to work things out and strived to built a happy and constructive marriage. Then, I am planning the same strategy to deal with the current situation, even though I NEVER thought, even in my wildest dream this thing to happen in my twilight life. Frankyly, I'm such a BIG surprise and unbelievable shock, rather getting angry to say the least.
 
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Cosmos, I really feel for you. One thing I have learned over the years, don't get angry but change the way you react, (much easier on the blood pressure), and do what you have to do, to handle the situation. My husband had become so used to me getting angry it was like water off a ducks back, when I changed how I reacted, no anger, that flawed him and he started taking notice of what I was saying. Even if your husband needs to be needed, don't we all, his behaviour is not acceptable. There are other ways of fullfilling his need, one is taking on voluntary,social work.That can be very rewarding.
My experience of talking with clergy was a waste of time. (That's not to say that would apply to all.)
 
If there's nothing sinister going on, you should be able to read the cards and mail from any of these women. Do you read the mail also? Would he object if you asked to? What does he do with the cards when he's done reading them, does he save them or throw them in the trash?
 
Thanks for your thought, ....
It's funny though, ... I normaly do NOT cry over those form of incidents, ... but for some reason, this time I want to cry over, .... but I really don't know whether because I love my husbamd who is otherwise a terrific and good person for both male and female or not.

This morning, I told him to make a short trip to get away from this area where there are many people and a lot of traffic, and he drove to the less-conjested town nearby taking with our pet dog.

Yes, he's doing volunteer work through the church, however he LOVES to help those women in need, mostly because of emotional rewards, 'makes him useful' feelings from them, I think. I really don't mind he's helping those women in need, ... but I want him to set a boundary in which he can not be too friendly and overly nice, because they regard his niceness is more than it, ... he likes me, then why not invite him to the dinner in the restraurant and the like.

Since we were young and stated the family/first baby, my husband has been friendly to women in general, then I did't concern his behaviour until I heard an hour's talk over the phone last month. When I mentioned my hurtful feelings and uneasiness about it, he a kind laughed about, ... like why are you jealousy? I told him, 'how do you feel if I'd on the phone with bachelor-guy for a hour? Only after that, he appeared to realize his behaviour as a married man. My husband is a bit different from other married men in that regard, ... I know since I married him many years ago.

I honestly love my husband with all my heart and soul, and the best policy is NOT to get angry and tell myself to talk to him calmly whenever he seems crossing the line/boundary I mentioned to him. Otherwise, my marriage with him is almost in good shape, ... not perfect, that's very sure to say.
 
I wonder if the women concerned are not 'using' your husband as a boost to their own ego. I'd be telling them both to go play their games elsewhere.
 
Fern said:
I wonder if the women concerned are not 'using' your husband as a boost to their own ego. I'd be telling them both to go play their games elsewhere.
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In my guess, the women in need has started to 'sense,' .... my husband has no intention to get involved with her when he told her not call him at home, because his wife/me does not like the phone. In turn, she sent a card to him at home by trying to let me know her existence, ... making jealousy. My husband's quote, .... I'm wise enough ,.... seems ' it proves it.'
 
As someone who was widowed early this year, and found myself facing new and different challenges ... I read your thread with interest and puzzlement.

I obviously don't know what these women's intentions are, but they must love drama... It just seems strange to me that so much "activity" goes into small favors done. If I need a toilet flapper fixed, and the married neighbor guy comes over and fixes it for me, I certainly wouldn't be writing him letters about it, or calling him on the phone and talking about it.
If loneliness is their problem, and your husband or anyone else's husband is so eager to help, I think the husband is falling prey to conniving females.
You know about his letters/cards ... how about his computer activity?



Here's a website that has taken off .. one to expose a woman causing problems in your marriage.
Some have gotten even this way:

http://www.shesahomewrecker.com



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If loneliness is their problem, and your husband or anyone else's husband is so eager to help, I think the husband is falling prey to conniving females.
You know about his letters/cards ... how about his computer activity?
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When we were younger, in his early 40', he got involved with one of female co-workers, but it appears to me not 'sexual,' more likely more than co-worker thing, .. you know what I mean. It lasted about a half year or so, but it's very strange to say I didn't notice until things was over and he told me what happened during that time. It still doesn't bother me that even myself don't know why. Probably, we are not really 'husband and wife's' relationship, rather very close family relationship that is based on 'love' and 'trust.' I know we're a bit 'weird couple' to say, but it's true.

Even this time all those things happening, I never attempt to sneak into his computer's activity nor his cell-phone. Probably, I just am happy the way our marriage has been going on which I can not answer for. I hate dwelling on his activities too much, rather I enjoy doing things I love to do. I'm always busy and working hard to get things done.

Either way, I LOVE the family, maybe also my husband more than any thing else in the world. I do not care much his activities as long as he has no intention to wreck or destroy the family and also our marriage. I know one thing is that my husband is NOT stupid enough to go with her when I angrily confronted him the next day about his phone with her acting like the 15 years-old-boy. He ALWAYS says the marriage with me is his last one and there are no other issues except his behaviour towards women in need.

Yes, I know that this women is VERY aggressive and manupulative to get him trapped in her prey in any way she can. She had two husbands prior to her last one who passed away a year ago or so. Jokingly, I told my husband whether he wants to become her third or fourth husband, he just shrugged off and went outside taking our pet dog. He said, ... 'I'm wise enough, ....' when I warned him not to get too much close to her. I take what he means, .... he wants me as a wife but also he wants outside-fun having a very close female friend, so called, 'emotional happiness or affair,' if this term is correct.
 
Boo's Mom said:
Here's a website that has taken off .. one to expose a woman causing problems in your marriage.
Some have gotten even this way:

http://www.shesahomewrecker.com
Click to expand...

Even though those sites contain the standard disclaimers I can't help but wonder when in the immediate future we're going to read about a defamation of character lawsuit being brought by one of these people ... it's sort of a specialized Facebook, a site full of accusations and drama and legal actions just waiting to happen.

I'd be very careful putting anything up on a site like that.
 
Every marriage has to define its own set of rules, and yours are no more different or unusual than any other. I think the important thing is for both parties to make those rules crystal-clear and to not go beyond them.
 
SifuPhil said:
Even though those sites contain the standard disclaimers I can't help but wonder when in the immediate future we're going to read about a defamation of character lawsuit being brought by one of these people ... it's sort of a specialized Facebook, a site full of accusations and drama and legal actions just waiting to happen.

I'd be very careful putting anything up on a site like that.
Click to expand...

You have to admit, it's interesting (gossip) reading for us that are uninvolved.. but, yes, you are probably right.. a hot potato ready to blow up.
Along that same line, there was a website called Mean Moms, or something like that ... it was taken down for the same reasons. ..
I think a lot of these are off-shoots of Facebook.
 
SifuPhil said:
Every marriage has to define its own set of rules, and yours are no more different or unusual than any other. I think the important thing is for both parties to make those rules crystal-clear and to not go beyond them.
Click to expand...
That's exactly we are, .... my relationship with my husband is never intense nor passionate one from the beginning when we got married, but we always worked hard to make things right and he got a good-paying job even though he got here and there bumps to go through. I admire his accomplishment and a good provider which made me very comfortable and make my life and kids easy. I really appreciate those done by my husband.

In the meantime, I warned him not to get too close to her, .... because she appeared to me that she got a 'sense' which is his first priority is the family and his wife/me, this lady in need is a kind 'side-dish' to enjoy on dinner table. That might be a good reason she sent a card him at home making me jealousy and angry which she thinks leading to damage our marriage. She is so manupulative that I can tolerate, but unbelievable in my view. But, after all she went through several men and three different marriages. On that regard, she's an expert amongst experts. Also, warned him she might be looking for 'money,' then be cautious not get involved deeply, otherwise she might take a legal action, like 'mental harrassment' or some other legal action to get a money from him. However, started only few months ago, my husband knows that, but appears to me 'it's inresistable,' .... so called, 'old grandmapa's unresistable temptation?'
 
Boo's Mom said:
You have to admit, it's interesting (gossip) reading for us that are uninvolved.. but, yes, you are probably right.. a hot potato ready to blow up.
Along that same line, there was a website called Mean Moms, or something like that ... it was taken down for the same reasons. ..
I think a lot of these are off-shoots of Facebook.
Click to expand...

Oh, I agree that it makes for interesting reading, but personally I've never been a National Enquirer type. :D I think you're right that these are Facebook offshoots, because Facebook cannot possibly hold any more drama.

Cosmos70 said:
That's exactly we are, .... my relationship with my husband is never intense nor passionate one from the beginning when we got married, but we always worked hard to make things right and he got a good-paying job even though he got here and there bumps to go through. I admire his accomplishment and a good provider which made me very comfortable and make my life and kids easy. I really appreciate those done by my husband.
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So that's the "upside" ...

In the meantime, I warned him not to get too close to her, .... because she appeared to me that she got a 'sense' which is his first priority is the family and his wife/me, this lady in need is a kind 'side-dish' to enjoy on dinner table. That might be a good reason she sent a card him at home making me jealousy and angry which she thinks leading to damage our marriage. She is so manupulative that I can tolerate, but unbelievable in my view. But, after all she went through several men and three different marriages. On that regard, she's an expert amongst experts. Also, warned him she might be looking for 'money,' then be cautious not get involved deeply, otherwise she might take a legal action, like 'mental harrassment' or some other legal action to get a money from him. However, started only few months ago, my husband knows that, but appears to me 'it's inresistable,' .... so called, 'old grandmapa's unresistable temptation?'
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... and the "downside".

It's a shame that we have such "experts" as this woman in the world, but with the media glorifying such behavior it isn't surprising.
 
I heard about the homewrecker site on the TV news, and have no interest to go there. Women who post photos and negative comments about people their husbands had an affair with need to have their heads examined, how childish. Also, the husband had a big part in it too, and that can't be ignored...most of the time it's likely a boyfriend, because the big things nowadays is to have a boyfriend, make believe he's your husband, and have 3 kids with him. :rolleyes:

I know one thing, my husband is too considerate of my feelings to do anything like that with any woman. Also, if the woman started rolling her eyes at him with other ideas, he'd put her in her place and break off the 'relationship'. I think your husband should stop volunteering at the church, and volunteer somewhere else, like the neighborhood shelter...where his good deeds will truly be appreciated on their own merits.

Personally, if it were me, I'd have a talk with my husband. I'd let him know I was going to have a talk with her, and tell him what I intended to say. Then have a one on one with her, and that would be the end of it. She would back off, and leave him alone. No way I would let her antics disrupt my life and peace of mind, especially now that I'm older.
 
You're too nice...time to kick a** and take names...starting with your husband. As long as you're as nice to him about it as you sound, he's going to keep schmoozing you along, and getting his ego boosts from other women. As I see it, that's pretty much it in a nutshell. There's a fine line between sexual and emotional gratification.. it's a short step to cross it.

Also, you seem to do a lot of making excuses for him, ie:, he's a good provider, he loves to "help" women, he's a good man and goes to church, he had an affair, but not sexual. What I read from your behavior is that you enable him because you don't really
want to delve into the situation too closely and rock your comfort zone.

I don't mean to be harsh, and you sound like a sweet lady, but people only do to us what we let them. Make the boundaries clear, in no uncertain terms and he will either come around or you will have to make a decision as to whether you're going to accept his behavior at the expense of your happiness....right now you sound very unhappy to me.
 
Hard to put yourself in someone else's place, but if this were me, I would have to do some soul-searching here; think I would be asking myself, how much am I willing to tolerate to keep this marriage together. Not that you can make it 'work' by yourself - but it's obviously bothering you, so are you willing to keep things as they are; knowing it could turn into something more painful??
It's harder to think of those things at our age...we're more likely to face a life alone should we decide to dissolve a long-time partnership; yet, that might be easier than always wondering what he's doing, or intending to do. At least that's how it would be for me. I would have to have a serious talk with him, and find out what he is thinking.
As TWHRider states; there are no guarantees - for any of us. Cosmos70, I do wish you the best regarding this; and peace of mind in whatever comes.
 
Warrigal said:
If I were you I'd talk to your pastor/minister/priest and then try some counselling together.
He needs to be needed and you need to see some balance.
I don't think this problem is insoluble but you each need to hear the other and a mediator will help.
Click to expand...

I think this is a great answer for you if you can get him to agree to it.
 

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