Never thought retirement would be like this

Nancy, it is good that your mom is in a place to receive care and PT. It is also good that you will helped in making decisions about her long term needs. The meds she is receiving could be effecting her behavior as well. We are hoping for the best outcome for you both. Be strong and take care of yourself as well. :)
 

Nancy, I wish the best for your mom, hope she improves. :love_heart:
 

Thanks, guys. I've been reluctant to post about this subject because it is a hard decision to make, and everyone probably has strong opinions one way or the other about what to do, especially if you haven't dealt with it first hand. It is just me here, no siblings, no relatives within 400 miles and they all have their own problems.

The meeting was yesterday. Attending were the head nurse, the physical therapist, and an administrative type person. The group assessment is that she needs assisted living in a "memory care" unit. That means a secure place where you cannot go outside without accompaniment and there is someone to check on you 24/7. I am surprised that I agree with the recommendation, because medical people usually tend to err on the side of too many precautions, imo. They confirmed what I had found out already---that hiring even a part time live-in helper through an agency would be as expensive as an assisted living facility, even with added amenities. They gave me the names of 4 places to check out.

I looked at two today. One facility had one unit vacant that was really nice. We only have a week left in the rehab place, so I'm going to get it. This place rents on a monthly basis, so we can always change if it doesn't work out, or move to a smaller unit if one comes available. Or, who knows, maybe she will get better, but I doubt it. The other place was a much larger outfit, had vacancies, but was way more expensive and too upscale---lots of time and money wasted on making the place seem like a high-class hotel.
 
Nancy, what are her thoughts on moving into an assisted living facility? This must be so difficult for you to deal with, but I'm sure you'll do what's best. We moved my inlaws into our home when my FIL had a major stroke that paralyzed. Because of the stroke he couldn't function anymore or think clearly, he couldn't speak, etc. We were happy that we were able to swing it without putting him in a home.

My MIL had a bit of old age dementia, but not as serious as Alzheimer's, where she'd need 24/7 monitoring. We just had to supervise some things to make sure we all stayed safe in the house and there were no accidents. You may not be a fan of natural supplements, but I would personally give someone with memory issues coconut oil daily, internally, and other things like Turmeric/Curcumin. There's some stories out there about coconut oil making very positive effects on Alzheimer's, one woman's story was Mary Newport. I take a spoon daily just as a preventative, as there's AD in my family.
 
SeaBreeze, this is exactly why I didn't want to post on this subject. Every situation is different. I bet you had a husband to run errands and help you. I have weighed all the options. I will try to justify this decision---once.

When my mother was thinking rationally she would have been more than happy with this option. We talked about it several times. She said she wanted to be put in a nursing home when she got to the point of not being able to "do her part" and help out with things. I would feel exactly the same way. The only thing she would possibly object to is spending any extra money. She would want me to have as much of it as possible. She has saved quite a bit of money over the years, and it is hers, not mine. What better to use it for. If it runs out I can handle that, too.

Of course now that she is not thinking clearly, she thinks she is well enough to be able to go home and live by herself again. This is out of the question. At her place she would be constantly wanting to go outside and do things. Not possible. It would be total frustration on her part and agitation and blaming me for not letting her do what she wants. I've already experienced it with her at this rehab place. Just trying to keep her from leaving her room made her angry at me.

This assisted living facility is a place that will refocus her interests toward something she can do. I am surprised that she has already become friends with some folks at this rehab place. They look forward to getting together at meals. I think it is a good decision.

I am going to put down in writing (right now) what I want to be done when I get to this stage, so there will be no doubt later when I start hallucinating about my capabilities.
 
Oh, don't get me wrong Nancy, I know each situation is unique. My husband took a big part in the care of his parents, I couldn't have done it one my own with their physical conditions and needs. I think it's good that you found a suitable place for your mom, and it's great that she can interact and make friends with others at rehab...that means a lot! I wondered if she felt she could just go home, or if she objected to an assisted living home, it sounds like she can do well there. I agree with you that it would be best for her.
 
Hi Nancy! Thanks for the update on your Mom. The decision is your's to make, and it will be whats best for her. We are sorry its all on you, but you will prove to be a good Advocate and Daughter to your Mother! Trust your judgement and know that better days are ahead. :)
 
The first day we can move into the assisted living facility is Friday. Must move out of rehab facility by Saturday. Guess when it's going to rain big time---Friday and Saturday.:mad:

So, I moved the furniture that can get damaged by rain to my front porch yesterday (Wed) and will get help to move the last 2 big pieces today, or maybe wait 'til Friday. This essentially means moving twice. But better to move stuff 4 miles in the rain than 24 miles I think. Boy it sure better rain now!!!!

(Just venting);)
 
I don't want my family to have to go through with me what we're going through with my boyfriend's mother. She wants to live at home where "she's not any trouble to anyone".....but it's a constant cycle of in and out of the hospital, in and out of the nursing home, going home for a while and then it starts again. She just called from the nursing home; they're sending her back to the hospital. She needs to be in some sort of assisted living facility but nobody can budge her from the idea that she can live at home. Both of her sons live at least 12 hours away. She won't move to be near either son. The "boys" won't stand up to her and insist that things have to change. It's just the same thing over and over again.
 
Jujube, I understand completely. It is a hard thing to adjust to---changing from being a child and doing what your parents want, to taking charge yourself. There's that ingrained mindset that "parents know best." Your boyfriend and his brother are not quite there yet.
 
Well, I'm definitely there....the "boys" aren't yet. Unfortunately, she's not my mother and I have no say in it. I know I will face this some day with MY 90-year-old mother, who is still healthy, strong, independent and feisty and was still working until last year. Luckily, I have a bunch of sisters and we will all stand together on what needs to be done when the time comes. As my mother often states she plans to live to 105, hopefully it won't come soon....
 
If you're looking at this diary don't waste time reading this. It's just another rant and makes me sound even more crazy than usual.
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I want this post on record here for two reasons: 1) just in case I start feeling too happy for my own good, I can reread it, and 2) if things ever settle down eventually I can read this and say---this too shall pass. It doesn't seem like it ever will just now. Ha!

Everything was all set up to move my mother on Saturday morning. I even found a friend that was willing to help me move furniture in the rain Friday. Thursday at 4:00 pm the manager called from the assisted living place and said no one can move in on weekends---must be either Friday or Monday, and before 5---because she doesn't work on weekends (and evidently wants to be gone by 5). Maybe it was just the straw that broke the camel's back, but I was a little rude to this lady. I'm not usually like that. She claimed she told me this already. I don't think so.

Anyway I raced to the rehab place to see if I could arrange a release by 4 Friday, but by the time I got there the two places had in the meantime emailed back and forth and decided it was again ok to move in Saturday. The lady at the rehab place said they had already approved the move on Saturday with them, and were surprised at the sudden change.

The rain was supposed to get increasingly worse throughout the day today. Took only the bed, a chair, and the TV out to the assisted living place at 8 this morning in the rain. That's all she has where she is now. Very little damage was done (miracle). Barring any new CYA rules, will pick up my mom at 10:30 Sat and proceed to move the rest of the stuff later, unless there is some rule about minimum amount of furniture. I have gotten about 150 pages of regulations, agreements and handbooks to read through. I'm a slow reader. At the rehab place I had to sign 35 different pages. I signed because I don't have much choice anyway.

I think there should be a universal form to fill out that says you won't sue anyone if something goes wrong. Maybe some of these rules could be eliminated. I would sign in a minute.

Edited to add: Spoke too soon... pharmacy called and they put my mother on blood pressure medicine at the hospital, which carried over to the rehab place. Rehab place will not transfer prescriptions and have their own pharmacy. I have to track down what doctor prescribed it at the hospital. I never saw the official doctor at the hospital, it was always a substitute---three different ones. Alternatively get her regular doctor to prescribe the BP meds. He is now 32 miles away. If I know him he will not do that over the phone ($$$). Second alternative---get a new doctor and take her in for an appointment. All this by Tuesday? She never needed BP meds before. But I'm sure another CYA rule will prevent them from just stopping the meds, or else we can't move in. The day when things settle down seems to keep moving farther and farther into the future.
 
You can do without BP meds for a few days...if that is any comfort.
just get the name....and sort it next week.
 
Thanks vivjen. So since she never took bp meds before it really should matter even less. Probably just "white coat" hypertension, anyway. Her bp has been borderline sometimes, and the Dr. just says to cut down on salt, but it's usually fine.

I'll try to get copies of the records that came over with her from the hospital tomorrow (Saturday
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). I regret not stopping at Kinko's and making a copy before I handed it over. They probably lost them by now.

This stuff is bringing out my cynical side...and exposing how poor I am at multi-tasking.
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I feel for ya Nancy, sounds like a lot of complicated goings on by you...hope things fall into place soon for both you and your mother.
 
We prayed that you would find favor with these folks, and things will happen that will make it easier for you and your Mom.
 
Meanderer, to torture a quote from Casablanca...
It doesn't take much to see that the problems of two people, five goats and a little cat, don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

I don't mean to complain, it's just that the rules nowadays seem to make a difficult thing sooo much more difficult and complicted.

Woke up too early this morning. Waiting for 8am so I can start running errands. I'll post an update.

First thing Saturday I get a call from the rehab place at 7:30 am saying my mother slipped out of a chair but didn't get hurt, only a scrape on her elbow. It is a rule that they have to report every such incident to me. The release from the rehab place was unusually simple. Problem was with my mother. She seemed out of it, uncooperative and combative, complaining of pain. Did they not tell me something about the 7am incident? She slept on the trip over to assisted living (AL). They put her to bed and she slept for the next 16 hours. Refused to eat or drink. Went back first thing Sunday morning and she was still the same. I got really scared. Convinced it was dehydration. Asked the nurses what they would do and they said it may get worse or she may snap out of it. No one is authorized to come give someone IV fluids. Should I have chosen a skilled nursing facility instead? They said if she didn't snap out of it, they would have to call the hospital anyway, so I made the decision to go.

EMS guy arrived, took her blood pressure, and said it was normal so couldn't be dehydration. Surely an EMS guy would know. Sent her anyway. I hate these decisions. Spent 7 hours in the ER, mostly waiting for discharge. They gave her fluids and she perked right up and became cooperative and near normal. Went back to AL and she drank and ate dinner. Was this just a coincidence? Hospital thought she was dehydrated. Gave 3 pages to read about it. Also prescribed antibiotics for mild UTI. Had to run to Kroger to get that filled. Nurse allowed the first two without being plastic wrapped because it was Sunday. Yay nurse!!

Ran out to check on the goats to put out more hay before dark, and picked up an old Rx for Synthroid (another story for later). Back over to AL. She was asleep again. I hope it doesn't start all over tomorrow. She is always good about taking medicine. I am thinking of getting some placebo pills and offering it with water. My best friend thinks she is doing this on purpose. I don't think so. I don't think she is thinking clearly enough to have such a plan. This is another reason I want her off blood pressure meds. Don't they tend to dehydrate?
 
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Mercy....bless you Nancy, I hope things calm down for you and your mom. I know this is a stressful time for you. i've been keeping up with your reports here as I'm facing the same situation.....Hang in there.
 
Jackie22 said:
.... i've been keeping up with your reports here as I'm facing the same situation...
Click to expand...

Jackie22 please feel free to share anything if you want, tips, etc. As you can probably tell, I'm pretty much clueless and playing this by ear.

-------

Good news. My mother was up and alert again today and thinks the apartment is really nice.

We missed lunch because the home health care woman (recommended by rehab) showed up at lunch time. Although she wouldn't eat the leftovers, at least I got her to sip 10 ounces of the iced tea while the lady asked quite a few silly questions. One funny exchange...

HHC: "Do you have any pains?"
No, not really.
HHC: "Are you sure you don't have any pains at all?"
Well, maybe a little in my hip. {trying to please}
HHC: "How many times a week do you have this pain?
No response.
HHC: How often do you have this pain?
Oh, maybe once a year.

Anyway she is up walking really well with a walker already. She couldn't even stand up Saturday. In fact (I kid you not), somehow she got out the front door and into the parking lot this afternoon without anyone noticing. Everyone has egg on their faces. (I wonder if I signed a paper saying they are not liable if she gets hit by a car.:)) Anyway I laughed out loud because this is supposed to be a memory care facility. I guess there is something wrong with me because I didn't get upset. It's over, nothing bad happened, and I kind of got a kick out of watching them squirm a little.

So tomorrow I think is the last major hurdle. Got to drag her out to go see the doctor, which she hates. Hopefully it won't be like Saturday. This may solve the problems with prescriptions, etc. I hope we are nearing the home stretch, at least from my mother's standpoint. [Oh wait, I forgot the outpatient physical therapy sessions]
 
Thanks for the update Nancy. It is good news that your Mother is adapting to her new surroundings. Hang on to your sense of humor, as it will serve you well.:)

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Meanderer, she really likes the place, but still believes it's someone else's apartment. Today she said, "You know this is all the room you really need to live in."

Another day with many, many, little things going wrong, but big things coming out pretty good in the end. Decided it was most practical to stick with her old doctor. He has a second office in town with an urgent care facility. He agreed she should probably not be on BP meds, so cut it down to half a dose for 2 months and then monitor. They forgot to put the cholesterol meds on the list, so it never even came up and now those are gone, too.
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She has never been on those recently either. Assisted living (AL) crew wrote a note to him requesting something to treat combative behavior. He was obviously annoyed, but added half a dose of Seroquel in the morning (she already takes that before bed). Looks like I've almost got this guy trained.
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Breaking in a new doctor would take too long. Ha! He also said they would do IV fluids if necessary at their urgent care. Maybe I could hire the van at the AL to take her there.
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The place that repackages pills for AL said I can just go there directly for meds next time. Things are finally falling in place. But if she doesn't start eating and drinking it will not make any difference. I tried a last resort strategy today telling her we already paid $7 per meal (price of a guest ticket) and if she doesn't eat we're throwing away $7. Knowing her, if that doesn't work, nothing will. Ha!

Btw, new Medicare rule: a simple script for wheelchair (required by AL) is not sufficient anymore. Dr. must provide paperwork and justification. Dr. didn't even know this. You can buy a decent wheelchair online, even through Walmart, for $130 plus shipping. Medical supply places bill Medicare $150 per month for 13 months (then the chair is yours. Wow!
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)--- $1950 for a $200 chair. Ridiculous!!! How can they expect Medicare to stay solvent with rip-offs like that?! I will try to order one and cancel after this month. I just can't stand that.
 
Nancy, I admire you for the way you're handling everything with your mother so well. Looks like things are smoothing out, and she's doing pretty well. That's great! We bought two wheelchairs from this company for my mother in law and father in law, although it was a long time ago. They were inexpensive, and good for the money spent. Just thought I'd give you the link if you were interested. http://www.drleonards.com/Support-Mobility/Wheelchairs/104500/1/1/products_page.cfm
 
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Got a call today that my mother wandered into someone else's room last night, the woman called her daughter and the daughter raised hello.
If it happens again we will be asked to leave. It almost surely will happen again, so the only alternative was to hire a private sitter to watch her
at night while I look for another memory care facility that is better equipped to handle wanderers.
Also a bridge (in my mouth) came loose yesterday.
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