Nothing To Look Forward To

I don't know you long enough, but it doesn't seem like you're kidding to me. I definitely feel like my life is over, or at least all the good stuff on bad days. My husband and I had lots of plans--nothing elaborate, but we were married 29 years, and we're still very good friends who both dreamt of being that little old couple you see holding hands. Then he died suddenly and life as I knew it was over. There are days when all I can see is what I've lost; not only my spouse, but my life plan. I've been married almost my whole adult life. I was supposed to be married--part of a couple. Like Tevye asked " would it spoil some vast eternal plan..." if I had my little garden variety marriage go on at least past retirement!

Suze

 
Thanks Ruthanne. After Greg had been gone about six months I realized I needed to do something to get me back into the world. For me, tutoring has been a godsend! I help with reading on two 4K classes, and one second grade. The gentleman that started this thread has taught and tutored, so that wouldn't help him, but I do believe that you can feel better by doing something for someone else. It really takes you out of your own head!
i do have hope for the future. I don't expect to have another committed relationship, and that's ok, but I take pleasure in seeing my grandbabies, visiting friends and family around the Midwest, and enjoying my theatre subscription which is paid for my my eBay store sales.

Suze
 
suze said:
Thanks Ruthanne. After Greg had been gone about six months I realized I needed to do something to get me back into the world. For me, tutoring has been a godsend! I help with reading on two 4K classes, and one second grade. The gentleman that started this thread has taught and tutored, so that wouldn't help him, but I do believe that you can feel better by doing something for someone else. It really takes you out of your own head!
i do have hope for the future. I don't expect to have another committed relationship, and that's ok, but I take pleasure in seeing my grandbabies, visiting friends and family around the Midwest, and enjoying my theatre subscription which is paid for my my eBay store sales.

Suze
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I'm glad you have found things you enjoy. I am in the Midwest, too. I don't expect to have another committed relationship either. It seems like too much for me too handle at this point. I enjoy seeing my brother, sister n law, her gay brother and friend, and the friends I've made at the apt. place where I live. I'm thinking of doing some volunteer work, just have to decide what kind and where.
 
suze said:
I don't know you long enough, but it doesn't seem like you're kidding to me. I definitely feel like my life is over, or at least all the good stuff on bad days. My husband and I had lots of plans--nothing elaborate, but we were married 29 years, and we're still very good friends who both dreamt of being that little old couple you see holding hands. Then he died suddenly and life as I knew it was over. There are days when all I can see is what I've lost; not only my spouse, but my life plan. I've been married almost my whole adult life. I was supposed to be married--part of a couple. Like Tevye asked " would it spoil some vast eternal plan..." if I had my little garden variety marriage go on at least past retirement!

Suze
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Your pain comes through. I truly hurt for you, Suze, as I hurt for myself. Who is the lucky one? The spouse or lover who passes or the one who is left alone? My wife is gone a year and a half and I am getting through the days pretty god now but what I wouldn't give to have her back. Even in the last months when she needed so much care. I was fortunate to have her 58 years. We did grow old together. Losing your life together at your stage is truly tragic. I am glad to see you have grandkids to love. That has to be a comfort. I wish you peace.
 
Hi Underock1,
Nice to meet you. Funny, I never thought about Greg being the "lucky one", but since I do believe in an afterlife that can be a comforting thought. I guess I've been dwelling on what he's missing here on earth, like his hard-earned retirement, or the joy of his grandchildren growing up. Thank you for opening up a new way of thinking about who is the lucky one. My heart goes out to you too. One thing I've learned since losing Greg is how devastating it is to lose a life partner. I feel like going to all the people I know who lost their partners before I did, and try to make up for my underestimating their loss. Then I want to go to people who I observe arguing and barely tolerating each other and crack their heads together and say "you don't know how lucky you are", though I know I wouldn't have been able to appreciate that before my loss.
One day at a time!

Suze
 
suze said:
Hi Underock1,
Nice to meet you. Funny, I never thought about Greg being the "lucky one", but since I do believe in an afterlife that can be a comforting thought. I guess I've been dwelling on what he's missing here on earth, like his hard-earned retirement, or the joy of his grandchildren growing up. Thank you for opening up a new way of thinking about who is the lucky one. My heart goes out to you too. One thing I've learned since losing Greg is how devastating it is to lose a life partner. I feel like going to all the people I know who lost their partners before I did, and try to make up for my underestimating their loss. Then I want to go to people who I observe arguing and barely tolerating each other and crack their heads together and say "you don't know how lucky you are", though I know I wouldn't have been able to appreciate that before my loss.
One day at a time!Suze
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I wish I could go back in the past and crack our heads together for all the times wasted in silly arguments over nothing. I wish your avatar was bigger. I'm guessing that's the two of you celebrating an anniversary.
 
SifuPhil said:
A quote from Butterfly in another thread got me to thinking ...



I get this. In fact, I get it so strongly that I've had this feeling for the last 15 years or so.

For me, part of it is physical. I'm no longer 20 and can't do all the things I used to. Through nobody's fault but my own I've recently been whacked with a few medical problems, which once again I'm not used to, and it has caused me to start slipping off the bright, clean middle of that tapestry.

My choice to cut myself off from the world - another slip toward the edge.

Convincing myself that my days of close relationships are over - hanging onto the fringe, scrabbling, to keep from falling into that dark, wood-floored abyss.

And finally the 2-ton elephant giving me what seems to be the final push - that I have nothing to look forward to. I've had my education, my career, wrote my books, did my partying, made love under a full moon on the beach, got married, had kids, divorced, SCUBA dived, skydived ... I've lived my life, lived longer than my family. I've laughed and I've cried.

What's left? What can I look forward to? Old age? Sitting in a rocking chair or, worse, a hospital, somewhere? What's that? Living off a measly SS hand-out from the government that won't even pay for the cat food?

Have any of you ever had these dark thoughts?
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I have always been an active person, constantly on the go. I actually ran full court basketball until I was in my mid 50's( knees put a halt to that). I have worked long hour's (12-16 hrs a day) for the best part of 40 years, strong as an ox. Last may (2015)I took a trip to Key West ,Florida, where I caught a virus, started as a simple cold. When I returned home , I went to my doctor and she told me it was just a virus. I struggled the complete summer with this "virus". then in September , I had congestive heart failure, rushed to the hospital, where I spent a week. Upon released ( my heart had gone into Afib, an accelerated heart rate for which I was given meds), everything was looking good, boom, another congestive heart failure, this time very serious, my lungs filled with fluid and I almost drown on the way to the hospital. Then a diagnoses from my cardiologist said the lower part of my heart had weakened, and that accompanied by an accelerated heart beat , we were counting my days.To accompany this, I lost my hearing in my left ear, from this also, pressure in my ear canal, leaving me with vertigo; did not seem to want to stop. I went into the hospital and had an ablation performed, within 5 weeks I was in regular heart beat , I just started some light running and light lifting. I am cleared by my cardiologist to return to work with no restrictions, pending my getting a hearing aide for my right ear, which suffered irreparable damage. Now this is not a sad story, tis part of life's journey, as I look forward to returning to a productive life. An illness and/or a disability, does not define who we are.
 
Thanks. It's an avatar of us at his parents' 50th. I'm usually the picture taker now.
Yes, sometimes I wonder if we would have resolved some issues, how the24/7 existence of retirement would have been. In the nine days from diagnosis to death there wasn't time to get to those things. The scenario kept changing--we can treat him, we can't treat him, then boom! Gone! He got so sick so fast that all I could do was keep him comfortable.

suze
 
suze said:
Thanks. It's an avatar of us at his parents' 50th. I'm usually the picture taker now.
Yes, sometimes I wonder if we would have resolved some issues, how the24/7 existence of retirement would have been. In the nine days from diagnosis to death there wasn't time to get to those things. The scenario kept changing--we can treat him, we can't treat him, then boom! Gone! He got so sick so fast that all I could do was keep him comfortable.

suze
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Yes. The roller coaster. Our wind up took three months but hoping to bring her home. A sudden down turn, and gone within a couple of weeks. It seems crude and heartless to say, but again, in retrospect, it was a good thing. She never knew she was dying. Betterr than the long, slow declines with all sorts of painful desperate measures to stave off the inevitable.
 
suze said:
I don't know you long enough, but it doesn't seem like you're kidding to me. I definitely feel like my life is over, or at least all the good stuff on bad days. My husband and I had lots of plans--nothing elaborate, but we were married 29 years, and we're still very good friends who both dreamt of being that little old couple you see holding hands. Then he died suddenly and life as I knew it was over. There are days when all I can see is what I've lost; not only my spouse, but my life plan. I've been married almost my whole adult life. I was supposed to be married--part of a couple. Like Tevye asked " would it spoil some vast eternal plan..." if I had my little garden variety marriage go on at least past retirement!

Suze
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I kid a lot, Suze, but on this topic I was serious.

The strangest thing was, my life turned around yet again, after I had pretty much given up.

You just never know ...
 
I've always said if a disease is going to be fatal, then it's better if it goes quickly, but then it happened to me, and I still do feel the same. Greg knew, but he said he felt good spiritually, and he was so gracious about accepting his fate. I was so proud of him.
 
suze said:
I've always said if a disease is going to be fatal, then it's better if it goes quickly, but then it happened to me, and I still do feel the same. Greg knew, but he said he felt good spiritually, and he was so gracious about accepting his fate. I was so proud of him.
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Yes. How much easier he made it for you. I only hope I can be as gracious in the end. Acceptance is the key. I am intellectually there now. How I will be when the time comes is an open question.
 
SifuPhil said:
I kid a lot, Suze, but on this topic I was serious.

The strangest thing was, my life turned around yet again, after I had pretty much given up.

You just never know ...
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Phil, you seem to indicate that something good has happened to you. If so, I would love to hear about it. I like it when the good guys are winning.
 
Underock1 said:
Phil, you seem to indicate that something good has happened to you. If so, I would love to hear about it. I like it when the good guys are winning.
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Rock, it's my new relationship with Shalimar - that's what turned the corner for me. When you live a self-imposed 7 years as a "monk" - cutting yourself off from everything and everybody - you don't realize how much of your humanity you lose, and how bleak life can become.

She literally saved my life.
 
Right after he died I felt like I was ready too, but as time goes by my hopelessness has lessened. I've seen the devastation my grandbabies felt at losing their precious Papa, and I'd never forgive myself if self neglect caused them another loss. I want to see them live their lives. Spiritually--being raised Catholic it's hard to separate what I believe now, and the indoctrination of the priests and nuns. I guess we'll never know till the end!

suze
 
Luckily I wasn't exposed to the Christian point of view as a child - in fact, not until I was studying Metaphysics in college - so I don't have that particular baggage to deal with. My confusion comes from having been exposed to so many belief systems - I too will not really know until the end. :eek:
 
SifuPhil said:
Luckily I wasn't exposed to the Christian point of view as a child - in fact, not until I was studying Metaphysics in college - so I don't have that particular baggage to deal with. My confusion comes from having been exposed to so many belief systems - I too will not really know until the end. :eek:
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Now me? I know, and I'm all ready.:eek:fftobed:
 

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