Okay, I will open up...

AnneTeak said:
David, I hope this forum gives you a reason to check in frequently. We are glad you are here. We care.

Tell us more about you. Where did you grow up? Where do you live now? Did you take any interesting vacations? What kind of job did you have?
Click to expand...
Okay, you asked.
I was born, raised in and never left Texas. Pasadena, then various Houston addresses. I was a skinny kid in grade, junior high and high school. I got bullied a lot. Had a brief stint at San Jacinto Jr College, but left after a year and a half. Immediately started working and never looked back. I married out of loneliness which was a mistake. After about 3 years, my wife (by the way, her name was Nannette) started to exhibit medical problems. Some of her medical problems were known to her, but she kept them secret from me (major blowup over this later as you might can imagine.) Her medical progressed rapidly until, in no time, I had become her caregiver.

What followed were decades of progressively worse health and a tighter grip on me and my freedom. End result was we lived in a virtual cave and all social ties were cut. She was prescribed opiates and that continued for 30 years. It destroyed her personality and she became mean-spirited and unable to like. She lost all her friends including my parents, but I didn't think it would be right to leave her while she was in crisis, so I never did.

We moved to a small town in east Texas. During all of this, I carried on with my career as (in order) desktop support, various supervisory positions, programmer, projects office leader, and finally COO of a large product group. This lead to my first brush with writing as from that point forward I worked as a contracted technical writer and eventually a 11-year stint with Memorial Hermann Healthcare. I retired from them.

I stayed a virtual prisoner in my own home. Once in Point Blank, Nannette declined rapidly and I lost her in September of 2021. Shortly thereafter, I had a near fatal heart attack, followed by open heart surgery (CABGx5, for those who know) and a supplementary device implanted in my chest due to complications (low ejection fraction, again, for those who know.) Spent 30 days in hospital recuperating and another 30 at my sister's, where we fought our instincts to kill each other! Then, home.

Because of my technical writing history, I decided that I would try to write a novel, like I had secretly always wanted to do. I had dabbled in screenwriting and had authored four movie scripts that I tried to market for a year with no success, but I felt that maybe I could try books.

I published my first novel, Bad Vibe in November of 2019. It is 458 pages. I followed that with three more novels, though a bit shorter. I write speculative fiction. That means Science Fiction, Horror, Thriller, Paranormal and Adventure. You know, typical guy fare. All were self published through Amazon.com eBooks and large format paperbacks. I don't want to appear self-promoting so I'll just state the three other titles, Idimmu, Portal and Grief Begets. Should anyone wish to know more I would be happy to provide edification or, if interested, just check it out on Amazon. For what it's worth, I have three more novels as works in progress that I hope to finish some day before I die.

Several side effects to my surgery occurred. One, I lost all my muscle memory for playing my guitar. After having played for over 40 years, I had to start over and I am still not fully back. Also, I acquired a bad case of short-term memory loss that has never improved. In many ways, that makes me feel older than other things. The last horrible effect was I lost my muse, that creative itch that all writers rely on! That is agony to me.

No real vacations to speak of. During the draft for the Vietnam war, I ran and made my way to Canada. I could never kill or maim someone. A caveat to that would be to save someone I love. I stayed in Canada for about a month then returned.

Parts of my life or experience that I may talk about in the future:
  • Ten years as a dyed in the wool hippie, complete with sex, drugs and, yes, rock and roll.
  • Wearing very long (past my waist) hair for that ten years.
  • Being arrested in Pasadena for a bag of seeds (my picture was on the front page of the Houston Chronicle!)
  • Living in a haunted house in Colorado.

  • Nearly traveling over the edge while motoring up Pike's Peak.
  • Serving as Vice President and Editor of the newsletter for the Houston U.F.O. Network for two years.
  • My wife and I being visited in the middle of the night by god-knows-what! Twice!
  • Being committed by my parents for a month.
  • My experiences with LSD (yeah, I know) for a whole year. I was young and stupid.
You know, a lot can happen in 75 years! I came through it all and survived!

I thank you again for letting me spout my own flavor of mundane. I appreciate all of the support I have received. May you all have a pleasant evening (or morning or whatever.)

-David-
 
@David later version, I have only now read your posts. We have very little in common so I will not comment on your current situation.

All I have to offer is something I learned decades ago. It changed my life and probably saved my marriage at the time.

It was this - Feelings are neither good nor bad. They are the spontaneous hormonal reactions to external events. What matters is how we deal with them.

Your life and marriage has not been easy for you, and it still is not. You have had a lot to deal with but from what you have disclosed, you have shouldered your responsibilities honourably. You have very little to reproach yourself for IMO.

Do not beat yourself up. Forgive yourself for anything that you are regretting and lift up your eyes to see opportunities that are before you. Live what is left of your life to the fullest extent possible and savour small blessings like beautiful sunsets and the companionship of your little dog.

Be more open to your neighbours. Beneath their religiosity they are just people like the rest of us. You may find some of them quite likeable once you get to know them better.

Sorry for coming over like someone who knows it all; I don't. What I do know is that self-forgiveness isn't at all easy, but it is very liberating. I wish you well and hope you will find a path to peace of mind and spirit.
 

David, I'm so glad you found this forum. Many of us here have shared our innermost thoughts and our difficulties. I personally find it cathartic to do so. You sound like a wonderful, interesting person. I suppose at this point in life it may not interest you to move to a community with more like-minded people but as @MACKTEXAS mentioned it might help for you to get out of the house for a few hours a day. Perhaps a walk out in the sunshine?

I can't pretend to know what you are going through but I did take care of my mother for 21 years. We were sometimes at each other's throats but I felt no guilt when she passed away. It sounds as if you did the same for your wife, and although I'm sure you miss her she was lucky to have someone like you to look after her.

Please do continue to post here and please don't feel you are oversharing. Many here are very caring, as you've seen by the responses, and can be of assistance.

Welcome!
 
dusty said:
Do you mind telling us about the novels you have written?
Click to expand...
Dusty, I have briefly spoken about them but not what each is about. I will be happy, hell, elated to do that for you!
My first novel is titled Bad Vibe. The following is the official summary:

During the mid-1940s, an anomalous incident occurs in the southwest United States which starts a chain of events that will explode eighty years later.​
​
Clayton Atwood is an academic dilettante, bouncing between college courses, unconcerned with scholastic advancement or degrees. Orphaned by what he assumed was his parents’ accidental death, he is raised by his eccentric uncle. His plans for a carefree trip to Europe are interrupted by a note taped to his front door that changes not only his life, but the world’s future.​
​
In an unassuming building adjacent to Rice University in Houston, Atwood learns that all he knew of his past is wrong when he becomes the center of an astounding scientific project that will help all mankind. But the project inadvertently places one peaceful alien civilization in jeopardy, and attracts genocidal hatred and retribution from another, while making Atwood the target of a ruthless assassin.​
​
Atwood finds himself to be humanity’s secret weapon in the fight for survival. At a secret Nevada military base, the fate of three civilizations hangs in the balance.​

My second book was Idimmu. That is the Sumerian word for Demon.
​
Since ancient Sumer it has been imprisoned.​
​
Vatican archivist Gwendolyn Myers knew of the legend, but never expected to discover the truth.​
​
Gwen’s niece, Anjanette, a nurse in Houston, notices strange similarities in horrifically injured ER arrivals. The horrors follow her home and spread throughout the neighborhood and beyond.​
​
There is something indescribable starving for blood and terror. A seemingly unstoppable evil has been unleashed that a small group, led by Anjanette, must desperately try to confront.​

Third was Portal.

Jagger Daines is in a living nightmare. He lost his parents in a horrifying auto crash that left him in a coma. Once awakened, he was inexplicably stricken by epilepsy and a strange immunity to all drugs. It was a singular miserable existence, self-exiled in his lonely home, his only companions the constant seizures.​
​
Then came hope in the form of a new quantum formulated drug and protocol. However, his newfound optimism crashes in on itself as something savage and unexplained enters the world through his quantum-modified brain.​
​
The evidence forces him to conclude that he has somehow become a portal, a reality no one else is willing to believe in.​
​
For Daines, it becomes a race against time before the portal opens wider and more innocent lives are consumed.​

Fourth was Grief Begets. This novel has more of my actual life within its pages than anything else I have written. It is not, however, biographical.

Gregory Tiezen has known grief, but his sorrow and his misery acts as a mutagen, creating something alien and parasitic, a thing that eats the sins of others. He is host to an unworldly entity that physically manifests when Greg is present at the death of others. As the symbiote draws some unknown essence from the dead, Gregory experiences their memories, passively acquires their skills, finds his vision becoming more sensitive and his physical strength increasing.​
​
Gregory is growing comfortable with his symbiotic relationship. He has even fallen in love. After a life of misery and loneliness, he is happy. Then a brutal act of violence robs him of all happiness and meaning.​
​
As his life spirals down into the depths of despair, all those who wronged him, all those who savaged his soul would soon regret that day. Some are said to be consumed by grief. Gregory Tiezen's grief would instead be fed as each murderer is hunted down to have his life-force consumed by the supernatural symbiote. Together, they would have their revenge.​
​
Works in progress are:

Duster A toddler is nearly electrocuted in a freak storm event. Years later, he discovers that he has telekinetic abilities. After losing an eye in the Vietnam war, he loses this power but picks up another. He can manipulate dust in unique and horrifying ways.
Strange Water Something has been released under a huge salt dome in the Gulf of Mexico. They are moving beneath the surface headed north. One man, an ex-marine who suffers from debilitating PTSD, must try to save the only family he has left and, ultimately, the rest of the world.
The Four Leg Solution (a Young Adult novel) Duke, a happy-go-lucky Chocolate Labrador, Suddenly realizes he hates kibble and, just as suddenly, knows a myriad of things that no dog should know. He is the first to mutate, to become self-aware, to be able to telepathically speak to other dogs. What transpires is a world in danger from an epically bad group of people, and the animals that save all mankind.

There you have it, Dusty (and everyone else). I will brag no more. Thank you all.
 
Welcome David.
First off, your writing is very good. Secondly what you wrote took courage and conviction. No need for shame and embarrassment. Look at the responses you got. Members here appreciated your words of wisdom. Like it or not we are all broken to a certain degree. Hopefully we learn something from our mistakes. Then again, are they really mistakes or just growing pains. It’s much easier looking back over our life and realizing things we could have done better. It’s called reflection as you already know. You shared your heart with us. Thank you for being courageous enough to share your heart with us.
 
How close to editing are any of these? Do you have an editor/publisher? Are you seriously working on one or more?
You need to maybe think about writing something in regards to the White House, FBI and Secret Service in the 70's to the present...that crap will blow your mind if you dig deep enough.
I'd love to read one of your works. And I'll let you read mine.
 
Last edited:
Hello David and welcome.
It takes courage to share one's deepest thoughts and I praise you for that.
Personally, never having loved I do not feel the loss so many people go through when parted from loved ones.
All my life I have been alone and it took decades before I was able to love the person I was/am.
That was a momentous decision, accepting that I was at least worthy of self love and acceptance.
I remain alone and will remain alone until my final day. I do not think that I have ever been lonely though I might be fooling myself.
My days are filled with enjoying all the natural world has to often, often spending weeks at a time out in the Aussie bush with the critters for company.
One week ago I lost my job through being laid off and have decided that at age 63, being employed again is most likely not going to happen.
So I will not be looking for another job, I will content myself with what I have and see how things go.
This will test me for sure, having 168 hours a week to fill with purposeful stuff.
Not that one has to "do something" every day. Doing nothing has it's advantages.

I hope you hang around and share your life and thoughts with members here.
 
David later version said:
Okay, you asked.
I was born, raised in and never left Texas. Pasadena, then various Houston addresses. I was a skinny kid in grade, junior high and high school. I got bullied a lot. Had a brief stint at San Jacinto Jr College, but left after a year and a half. Immediately started working and never looked back. I married out of loneliness which was a mistake. After about 3 years, my wife (by the way, her name was Nannette) started to exhibit medical problems. Some of her medical problems were known to her, but she kept them secret from me (major blowup over this later as you might can imagine.) Her medical progressed rapidly until, in no time, I had become her caregiver.

What followed were decades of progressively worse health and a tighter grip on me and my freedom. End result was we lived in a virtual cave and all social ties were cut. She was prescribed opiates and that continued for 30 years. It destroyed her personality and she became mean-spirited and unable to like. She lost all her friends including my parents, but I didn't think it would be right to leave her while she was in crisis, so I never did.

We moved to a small town in east Texas. During all of this, I carried on with my career as (in order) desktop support, various supervisory positions, programmer, projects office leader, and finally COO of a large product group. This lead to my first brush with writing as from that point forward I worked as a contracted technical writer and eventually a 11-year stint with Memorial Hermann Healthcare. I retired from them.

I stayed a virtual prisoner in my own home. Once in Point Blank, Nannette declined rapidly and I lost her in September of 2021. Shortly thereafter, I had a near fatal heart attack, followed by open heart surgery (CABGx5, for those who know) and a supplementary device implanted in my chest due to complications (low ejection fraction, again, for those who know.) Spent 30 days in hospital recuperating and another 30 at my sister's, where we fought our instincts to kill each other! Then, home.

Because of my technical writing history, I decided that I would try to write a novel, like I had secretly always wanted to do. I had dabbled in screenwriting and had authored four movie scripts that I tried to market for a year with no success, but I felt that maybe I could try books.

I published my first novel, Bad Vibe in November of 2019. It is 458 pages. I followed that with three more novels, though a bit shorter. I write speculative fiction. That means Science Fiction, Horror, Thriller, Paranormal and Adventure. You know, typical guy fare. All were self published through Amazon.com eBooks and large format paperbacks. I don't want to appear self-promoting so I'll just state the three other titles, Idimmu, Portal and Grief Begets. Should anyone wish to know more I would be happy to provide edification or, if interested, just check it out on Amazon. For what it's worth, I have three more novels as works in progress that I hope to finish some day before I die.

Several side effects to my surgery occurred. One, I lost all my muscle memory for playing my guitar. After having played for over 40 years, I had to start over and I am still not fully back. Also, I acquired a bad case of short-term memory loss that has never improved. In many ways, that makes me feel older than other things. The last horrible effect was I lost my muse, that creative itch that all writers rely on! That is agony to me.

No real vacations to speak of. During the draft for the Vietnam war, I ran and made my way to Canada. I could never kill or maim someone. A caveat to that would be to save someone I love. I stayed in Canada for about a month then returned.

Parts of my life or experience that I may talk about in the future:
  • Ten years as a dyed in the wool hippie, complete with sex, drugs and, yes, rock and roll.
  • Wearing very long (past my waist) hair for that ten years.
  • Being arrested in Pasadena for a bag of seeds (my picture was on the front page of the Houston Chronicle!)
  • Living in a haunted house in Colorado.

  • Nearly traveling over the edge while motoring up Pike's Peak.
  • Serving as Vice President and Editor of the newsletter for the Houston U.F.O. Network for two years.
  • My wife and I being visited in the middle of the night by god-knows-what! Twice!
  • Being committed by my parents for a month.
  • My experiences with LSD (yeah, I know) for a whole year. I was young and stupid.
You know, a lot can happen in 75 years! I came through it all and survived!

I thank you again for letting me spout my own flavor of mundane. I appreciate all of the support I have received. May you all have a pleasant evening (or morning or whatever.)

-David-
Click to expand...
got enough there to make a good movie!! - traumatic at times no doubt but lively and dramatic and entertaining - sell ya self in books and film ??? - just a thought - ya got us lot all ready!!
 
david - that's my legal name NO not Emma ; David but I am fascinated about /emma as I have a new dog called Bundy who I love to pieces but probably been mistreated somewhere and he is not fully house trained - yea brush and pan and disinfected mop - yea that's the idea??
 
dusty said:
How close to editing are any of these? Do you have an editor/publisher? Are you seriously working on one or more?
You need to maybe think about writing something in regards to the White House, FBI and Secret Service in the 70's to the present...that crap will blow your mind if you dig deep enough.
I'd love to read one of your works. And I'll let you read mine.
Click to expand...
Dusty,
I do not use an actual editor. However, I have an author who has been in this business longer than I and seek comments from him once I have my final draft. It takes me usually 4 or 5 drafts to reach that stage. Also, I subscribe to ProWritingAid which I believe is the closest app to a real editor. I have no interest in non-fiction in any form. Frankly, that would bore me, although I appreciate the suggestion.

Of my four published novels, I have recently pulled one out of publication to revamp parts of it. My first three, however, are available now on Amazon.com, under my name, David Mayo. Bear in mind that there is another David Mayo out there so.... Unless you are cash-strapped, I would prefer that you actual purchase either the eBook or the paperback. They are affordable. Then, I would request a review on Amazon. The number of new authors that join Amazon each month is astounding. Getting notice within that morass of new novels is exceedingly difficult. It comes down to self promotion and paying some aggregate promotion site a fee to expose your works across the world. Unfortunately, as a person who lives within a tight budget, I can not generally afford that.

Are your books all non-fiction? I love most speculative fiction genres. I don't care for fantasy or romance or gross-out horror. Any horror that I write will be based on something paranormal, not something that could actually happen in real life.

Oh, and to your question about multitasking across more than one book at a time, yes, I often work on two novels at a time. Not in the same session of course, but I will write, say, 5,000 to 10,0000 words then cleanse my palate so to speak by shifting gears into my other story. I have heard that is rare and my author friend can't understand it as well, but I've always been able to do it. That said, I don't think I could juggle three or more stories at once. For some reason, I can keep two sets of character's "voices" in my head. I don't question it, just count myself lucky.

I would certainly be willing to read one of your novels, provided I can purchase it.

Thanks for the chat.

-David-
 
Bretrick said:
Hello David and welcome.
It takes courage to share one's deepest thoughts and I praise you for that.
Personally, never having loved I do not feel the loss so many people go through when parted from loved ones.
All my life I have been alone and it took decades before I was able to love the person I was/am.
That was a momentous decision, accepting that I was at least worthy of self love and acceptance.
I remain alone and will remain alone until my final day. I do not think that I have ever been lonely though I might be fooling myself.
My days are filled with enjoying all the natural world has to often, often spending weeks at a time out in the Aussie bush with the critters for company.
One week ago I lost my job through being laid off and have decided that at age 63, being employed again is most likely not going to happen.
So I will not be looking for another job, I will content myself with what I have and see how things go.
This will test me for sure, having 168 hours a week to fill with purposeful stuff.
Not that one has to "do something" every day. Doing nothing has it's advantages.

I hope you hang around and share your life and thoughts with members here.
Click to expand...
Wow, Bretrick, you truly never have loved or been loved? I would be tempted to say that is a shame, but your description of your life seems fulfilling unto itself. I, myself, have an infinite ability to do nothing and be happy doing it. It sounds like you have had a unique life and a unique take on it. Kudos to you, my friend.

-David-
 
David later version said:
Wow, Bretrick, you truly never have loved or been loved? I would be tempted to say that is a shame, but your description of your life seems fulfilling unto itself. I, myself, have an infinite ability to do nothing and be happy doing it. It sounds like you have had a unique life and a unique take on it. Kudos to you, my friend.

-David-
Click to expand...
I came from a loveless family and started drinking at age 12. By todays standards I was an alcoholic at age 16, having my own money, starting working life at 15. Never stopped until age 40.
So no woman would look at me and women were not a priority. The booze was number one in my life.
 
astralcat said:
Your style of writing captivated me right off. You express your thoughts so eloquently – what a great gift to possess. Sometimes it is difficult to become a separate person again after being with someone for a great number of years. For some reason, we tend to think as a couple, not as a separate entity. I really hope you stay here and keep posting. Posting on an online forum may seem unproductive but surprisingly, it can do a lot of good and you will get to know more of the “residents” here – some in similar situations, many with really practical advice. Welcome and……please stay.
Click to expand...
Astralcat,
I sincerely thank you for your kind compliments. I almost blushed. Almost 🙂!

-David-
 
Bretrick said:
I came from a loveless family and started drinking at age 12. By todays standards I was an alcoholic at age 16, having my own money, starting working life at 15. Never stopped until age 40.
So no woman would look at me and women were not a priority. The booze was number one in my life.
Click to expand...
how did you stop "killer drinking"?
 
David later version, I too, am Liberal, and have never voted for a Republican, but I'm surrounded by a nest of Trump supporters. 🙂
Taking care of your wife for 20 years must have exhausted you. Being a one-man hospital staff is a killer. Do you think you may be suffering from care givers burnout?
And Dave, we all have problems; by airing yours, you help us deal with ours.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
David later version, I too, am Liberal, and have never voted for a Republican, but I'm surrounded by a nest of Trump supporters. 🙂
Taking care of your wife for 20 years must have exhausted you. Being a one-man hospital staff is a killer. Do you think you may be suffering from care givers burnout?
And Dave, we all have problems; by airing yours, you help us deal with ours.
Click to expand...
Fuzzybuddy,
There is no doubt that I suffered from care giver burnout. It made my grief a dichotomy of strangeness. I had hate and love and guilt toward her, while dealing with the dawning awareness that this house needed to become mine. The hate/love thing was very hard to work myself through. It kept me confused for several months, not knowing how to feel about myself. I did live in self-hatred for a long time, but I have finally broken through that. I'm not sure if I love myself yet, but I don't hate myself anymore, so, progress.

I have no idea why I feel so liberated to share anything with this forum. In my 75 years of life I have never participated in a forum. New experience. I'll just embrace it and see what happens.

-David-
 

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