Reasons why Marriages Fall Apart

oldman

Well-known Member
Location
PA
As I went through the years, I saw some of my wife’s and my friends get divorced. One was because of excessively drinking, one was due to excessively gambling on sports, another was because of cheating, another was due to wild spending and the last one we saw happen was my wife’s sister’s husband had lost his job a several months ago and instead of looking for another job, he stayed at home drinking and playing video games. When she approached him to look for a job, he slapped her across her face twice and threw her out the door with no possessions. He wouldn’t allow her to return.

Everyone in my wife’s family has money, so replacing any items she left behind could easily be replaced. She stayed with us for a few months until the condo she bought was settled. After that, she furnished it and was living good again. Soon after, guess who showed up? The rat came crawling back because he knew she was able to take care of him. His problem now was, she no longer loved him, so she sent him packing. They had no children and were married for only for 3 years. He’s an electrical engineer and shouldn’t have had any problem finding a job. Yes, he keeps calling and begging her.
 

He wouldn’t allow her to return.
Wouldn't ALLOW her to return?!??!! Whose name is on the lease? Gotta say one slap from that loser and his butt would have been reported with a restraining order. Sorry for getting so riled, but sure as I'm sitting here, unless it was only his name on the lease, it wouldn't have been *ME* looking for a new place to live.
EDIT: And even if it was his house, couldn't she have gotten a LE escort to retrieve her things?
 
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I've seen a lot of divorces over the years, but very few were high drama like drugs, alcohol, spousal abuse, gambling or persistent unemployment.

Most happened because of cheating or a general lack of truthfulness, the stress of financial pressures, inherent incompatibility, or the slow, steady erosion of love that results from constant sniping, undermining or general rudeness toward one another.

I think there's more to the story about the disintegration of your sister-in-law's marriage breakup, @oldman. Not saying your BIL wasn't a bum and perhaps an abuser, just that you're only hearing one side. Slapping someone and kicking her out of the house with a "do not return- even for your stuff" policy (that she apparently accepted) is a very disproportionate response for someone whose partner merely "approached him about looking for a job."

After all, we're all the heroes of our own stories...
 
Yes, there's something a bit "off" about that story. Wouldn't allow her to return to her own home? And she just accepts physical abuse and meekly goes crawling off to stay with you until she gets another place to live? You say she is financially well off, and she sounds like she is at least middle-aged, but this is more the way teenagers behave. Not to mention the way he was behaving. He loses his job and just stays home playing video games and drinking, apparently keeping all his wife's possessions, and she lets him? If this was a movie, I'd say it has a million holes in it.

The way those other people were behaving is uniformly immature and pretty disgusting also. If this misbehavior is all true, I'd suggest that you and your wife try finding a new group of friends, who behave more like adults. Obviously she can't select who will be her sister, but you do have choices about friends.

P.S. I just reread my own post and realized I left one possibility out. If all this is true, could he be mentally ill and dangerous? Look at what's in the news today!
 
If mine had ever slapped me he wouldn't have survived the night and I'd be posting from prison.

Back when I dated, I used to inform every guy on the first date that if they ever laid a hand on me in anger, I would go to the police. No amnesty for hurting me. And so far, no one has ever hit me. I also made them read John 3:16 and if they didn't agree with that, the date was over.

Now that I am all growed up, I don't have to do either. First of all, not dating. Secondly, even my kids are afraid of getting me involved in an altercation -- too bad, cuz nothing I like better than to fight for the good guys. My kids are afraid of what would happen to the bad guys, so they handle whatever it is by themselves. My daughter, she handles it exactly like I would. She's a chip off the old block!
 
Back when I dated, I used to inform every guy on the first date that if they ever laid a hand on me in anger, I would go to the police. No amnesty for hurting me. And so far, no one has ever hit me. I also made them read John 3:16 and if they didn't agree with that, the date was over.

Now that I am all growed up, I don't have to do either. First of all, not dating. Secondly, even my kids are afraid of getting me involved in an altercation -- too bad, cuz nothing I like better than to fight for the good guys. My kids are afraid of what would happen to the bad guys, so they handle whatever it is by themselves. My daughter, she handles it exactly like I would. She's a chip off the old block!
well back then my mindset and mental health was in a different place so it totally could've happened. today i still wouldn't tolerate it. i'd find a pan to smack them with for sure.
 
Back when I dated, I used to inform every guy on the first date that if they ever laid a hand on me in anger, I would go to the police. No amnesty for hurting me. And so far, no one has ever hit me. I also made them read John 3:16 and if they didn't agree with that, the date was over.
I never had to say that nor did I ever have to deal with it. I never gave anyone a religious test and would have been late for the door if anyone suggested I take one - even if I agreed with the sentiment. (If a date asked me if I agreed with the Ten Commandments, I'd have been outta there.)

A big tell for me was how well or poorly a guy treated (and tipped) valets and waitstaff. Impatient, rude or a cheapskate? Hard pass on a second date.
 
People I've known who got divorced generally just fell out of love with each other. No violence or drama, just didn't want to live together anymore.
This is the way it seems to me. I've seen way more of that than the drama divorces. Maybe we just focus on the drama ones, because they're more interesting, and we forget about the boring ones that don't involve fighting either in lengthy court battles or bruises. And of course, infidelity is great for gossip.
 
There are countless reasons why marriages fail. At the top of the list are infidelity, lack of commitment, different goals, boredom with each other, finances, and above all, abuse.

From enduring marriages I've seen, there was true commitment, along with the ability to compromise. Unfortunately, one partner often gives more than the other, but even those marriages can make it through (ours did). I don't see anything positive about a toxic marriage like the one described in the OP surviving.
 
Mine kept accusing me of having an affair and come to find out it was him having the affair.

That's exactly what my ex wife did. Then she filed for divorce, had the court kick me out of the house and had her boy friend move in the day after I left. I was pretty ticked off at the time but now I feel like the Dude did me a big favor taking her off my hands. And a few years later she divorced him too.
 
I can hardly believe the crap about "laying a hand on me". That date, in our case would have ended right then. Someone is dating a series of bums that needs to be told this ?

My wife and I met on a blind date back in 1953, were married in '56, and are still together. All 4 of our kids are in their 60's and close to us and to each other. Hard to understand the need for that "hands on me" statement but thankfully we never needed to warn each other about "bad behavior".
 
I never had to say that nor did I ever have to deal with it. I never gave anyone a religious test and would have been late for the door if anyone suggested I take one - even if I agreed with the sentiment. (If a date asked me if I agreed with the Ten Commandments, I'd have been outta there.)

A big tell for me was how well or poorly a guy treated (and tipped) valets and waitstaff. Impatient, rude or a cheapskate? Hard pass on a second date.
This was in the Deep(ly religious) South, decades ago. I always keep an eye out for how people treat others. If they don't treat others in a congenial way, that goes in the nay column when I am evaluating whether to consider them to be a friend.
 
Wouldn't ALLOW her to return?!??!! Who's name is on the lease? Gotta say one slap from that loser and his butt would have been reported with a restraining order. Sorry for getting so riled, but sure as I'm sitting here, unless it was only his name on the lease, it wouldn't have been *ME* looking for a new place to live.
EDIT: And even if it was his house, couldn't she have gotten a LE escort to retrieve her things?
Kate: The house they lived in belonged to his family and was given to him. I am pretty sure he is an only child. My sister-in-law used to call him a spoiled brat. She never insisted on her name being put on the house and probably couldn’t care less with being a millionaire a few times over herself. I know what you’re thinking and I would agree that at times, she too acts like a spoiled brat. She eventually did get her things returned and allowed him to keep the furnishings. I would imagine his mommy and daddy are now his ATM machine.

She is a very sweet and kind person, but somewhat naive. She believes everyone wants to be her friend, but certainly not good at choosing men. This is her third marriage at being 46 years old. She was a mid-life baby. Maybe that has something to do with her being naive. (No offense intended to anyone.) We went to dinner one night before going to a concert. Her second husband forgot his wallet, or so he said. I picked up the $180 check.

He said he would pay me back the next day. I guess he meant the next year. That’s when he paid me what he owed. When he paid me, we were outside walking into the theater and he handed me 5-$20 bills. Right there beside us was a bucket for donations for some charity. I have no idea what the charity was, but I dropped the 5-$20 bills into the kettle. I thought he was going to stick his hand in and grab it back, but he didn’t. I could see the veins in his neck becoming enlarged. I kind of smiled.

Oh, yeah. My wife’s side of our marriage is an interesting lot. They keep me on my toes. Some things are funny as all get out. Other things, not so funny. My wife’s dad was arrested one time for throwing litter on the street. There was a trash can right beside him. I asked him why doesn’t he pick up his trash and throw it in the can. He waved me off and said ahhh. Less than a minute later, a cop shows up and approaches her dad and tells him he’s going to be arrested for littering.

Dad asked how much was the fine. The cop said the sign was right above him, it’s 500 bucks. Dad said OK, give me the ticket. The cop did as told. The cop told him not to liter again. We walked into the theater and my wife asked if we should buy something. I asked her what would she like. She said she didn’t know, but maybe some popcorn later on and a Diet Coke with no ice and another cup with only ice.

The kid behind the counter said he couldn’t do that. I asked why. He said because he doesn’t have a code to put in the system for the price of a cup of ice. I told my wife the kid can’t do it. She said OK, we don’t need it anyway. I’m (me) getting a headache.

I live a strange life at times. Don’t get me wrong, my wife’s in laws are very good and giving people. They all mean well. It’s the people that the kids marry and bring into the family that causes things to go amuck at times. There are five kids in the family. There was six until about 30 or so years ago when the one daughter was stabbed to death by her ex-husband at the time. The man that stabbed her received the death penalty and sat on death row for years. He got the DP because he also raped and sodomized her. I was told the judge was furious during sentencing because the ex husband stood before the judge smiling. His sentence has since been commuted to life without parole.

I could easily write a book talking about the family’s escapades.

I apologize for the long post. I tried to write it so to be interesting and keep the readers’ attention. Believe me, I got some real whoppers of stories to share about this family. Nothing that would irritate or embarrass my in laws. They are good, decent people, but some of the stories are funny.
 
You can tell my wife is traveling again. I have a lot of time on my hands now. She left this morning and won’t be back until Wednesday. Things are very quiet here, mostly because the phone isn’t ringing every 20 minutes. She made me some food before she left and my daughter said she has food for me. I told her to bring it over. I was thinking about getting a dog. Wouldn’t that knock the socks off of my wife? Gee, I may be the one in the doghouse.
 
People I've known who got divorced generally just fell out of love with each other. No violence or drama, just didn't want to live together anymore.

Alcohol, money fights, cheating, etc. to me are all symptoms of this basic problem.
Most marriages that I knew about were like this.

There was one exception. He beat her up so badly and then left when he thought she was dead, or nearly dead. He took her car keys. She had another set hidden and went for help. He went to a police event to hang out with his friends. It was easy for them to arrest him, since he was right there. Spent a few years in jail and conveniently found religion.
 
I think there's more to the story about the disintegration of your sister-in-law's marriage breakup, @oldman. Not saying your BIL wasn't a bum and perhaps an abuser, just that you're only hearing one side. Slapping someone and kicking her out of the house with a "do not return- even for your stuff" policy (that she apparently accepted) is a very disproportionate response for someone whose partner merely "approached him about looking for a job."

After all, we're all the heroes of our own stories...
It sounds very believable to me. For some men, especially ones who sit around playing video games, a wife telling him it's time to find a job is a stark reminder that he isn't acting like a man. He was already thinking it; he lost it because she verified it.
 
No need to apologize for a long post... loved reading it. And you have quite a bunch of in-laws (uh... outlaws, I guess, considering the troublemakers are actually the people they marry into!) Uh wait, that would include you, too, wouldn't it? 😁

That thing you said you know I was thinking about sis-in-law being a spoiled brat, nope, wasn't thinking that at all. I was thinking that a woman should never EVER be struck and now with your explanation, I understand why the "being thrown out" happened as it did. And yes, she's probably naive, but I'm guessing it's just a woman who wants to be truly loved and appreciated like every other human, yes?

Am I very terrible for having a smile reading about your dad-in-law being caught red-handed with the littering?

About that dog... if you really want to make points with the missus, try a bengal tiger...they're stunning. 🤭

I'm so sorry to hear about your other sister-in-law who was murdered. How positively horrid! I will keep my thoughts to myself about that monster's sentence being commuted. 🤬
 
Nice marriages are always 2 super adult people who weren't abused by a parent. My ex's mother beat him up with fishing gear when he was small. He keeps her away from our kids. His parents staid married, horrible marriage. His dad was the sweetest. Had nothing to say. That's why he didn't want fighting parents for our kids. It's just way easier to get along when you're not in a relationship. When I was married I was childish, whiny, I had expectations. Now I have zero expectations, like for everyone else.
 
Something that tends to be ignored both regarding marriage or just friendships, is that significant numbers of people in our culture have trained themselves to be LIARS, as though such is socially acceptable. When watching television programs, most actors play characters that constantly lie to each other as though that is normal and expected. The white lie behavior is especially dominant. Especially family situational comedy programs where there is a usual mix of parents and children. If teenagers, they are constantly lying to each other, that children then absorb as though such is the way people act. A reason I've spent much of my adult life not watching a long list of popular television media shows, so as not to become mentally polluted.

When people in close relationships either marriage or friendships lie to each other, they eventually lose trust, and are more likely to start imaging all manner of negative things. Personally, I've always avoided lying because there are other ways to deal with whatever without resorting to lies, IMO a really BAD habit. If I am faced with telling someone something they won't want to hear or which I don't wish to tell them, I'll just refrain from saying anything. Although even many intelligent people may think others cannot tell when they are lying, that is very much untrue if habitual to those that are sensitive to non-verbals and body language.
 


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