Sex as a senior

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LSWOTE

LSWOTE

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Weston, Florida 🇺🇸
My wife and I have not been intimate for a very long time. For a time it was mutual (we verbally fought a lot), but eventually I wanted intimacy again. I talked to my wife about it, obliquely at first as she is really doesn't like to discuss relationship issues of any kind. Eventually I spoke plainly about it. She told me she looks at me like a brother, and implied this was a pretty normal development in our relationship. This was news to me, but since then I have come to learn that she isn't alone in her opinion and I know of other women who feel the same.

I can see my wife's point of view sort of. For me, sex filled two needs, a physical one and an emotional one. My wife has a large network of friends she gets emotional support from and she doesn't have the same emotional needs as me. However her lack of interest in a physical relationship makes no sense to me at all. She just doesn't seem to need it. I am sure she isn't doing anything secretly with someone else, she just doesn't need sex.

Now it is worth mentioning I am 15 years older than my wife and I still very much interested in the physical side of things.

I have considered leaving but frankly starting over would be incredibly hard financially and I have a teenage son with my wife who is still living at home and I enjoy having him around. He will be starting his own life soon enough and I kind of want to spend as much time as I can with him before that time comes. I have also thought of cheating, but frankly I don't know anyone to cheat with even if I could get past the moral scruples of it.

I have tried to get my wife to go to counseling but she adamantly said no. I went to counseling on my own and while it helped me understand my feelings about things, it didn't offer any solutions.

I am lonely and horny and have a pretty wife who doesn't want to help me with either.

Kind of at my wits end.
 

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My condolences. It must be rough. I think there are two different versions of normal here. Hers, and yours. It seems to me that your needs are not being heard. You have a right to expect your partner to care about and

discuss relationship needs with you. This is a part of marriage. I assure you, most women do not view their husbands as brothers. I am concerned with her refusal to go to counselling. Is it a fear thing, selfishness on her part, or something else?
 
I can't say for sure what her objections are. She is a person who doesn't question much. She believes what she believes and doesn't really seem to progress in her views.
 

LSWOTE said:
I can't say for sure what her objections are. She is a person who doesn't question much. She believes what she believes and doesn't really seem to progress in her views.
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Hmmm. Some people don’t progress. It can be very comfortable to avoid anything one finds uncomfortable. I had a female relative who was similar. Impossible to communicate with her. In her case, it was her way or the highway. She was right and that was it.
 
Shalimar said:
Hmmm. Some people don’t progress. It can be very comfortable to avoid anything one finds uncomfortable. I had a female relative who was similar. Impossible to communicate with her. In her case, it was her way or the highway. She was right and that was it.
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She had been a beautiful woman in her youth, with the power such looks give. As she aged, her power diminished. She resented that immensely. She was a very lonely person at the end.
 
We need more information. How old are you? How old is she? How long have you been married? What is her physical condition? I think the progression of non sex is normal for many people. I remember when my SIL asked me if my husband I were still having sex. Nope.

Why do you ask? I asked. Because she said they no longer have sex anymore either and she wondered if it was normal. Well, apparently it’s normal for us. 😂

As for being lonely, it’s not a wife “job” or a “husband” to cure loneliness-we are responsible for our own well being. I have a very difficult marriage myself and have learned, over time, that I am responsible for filling the hours of my day. He does not exist to entertain me. I do not exist to entertain him. Find something to do that you enjoy and do it.

As for physical sexual release, I am sure you learned how to accomplish this on your own when you were a teenager.
 
Reminds me of my marriage. Sadly.
I like sex A LOT but the emotional attachment heightens the physical pleasure so I can appreciate your situation. Hang in there, man. Be a good father to your son and . . .
As Aneeda says, the need for physical release is, uh, in your hands...
 
Aneeda72 said:
We need more information. How old are you? How old is she? How long have you been married? What is her physical condition? I think the progression of non sex is normal for many people. I remember when my SIL asked me if my husband I were still having sex. Nope.

Why do you ask? I asked. Because she said they no longer have sex anymore either and she wondered if it was normal. Well, apparently it’s normal for us. 😂

As for being lonely, it’s not a wife “job” or a “husband” to cure loneliness-we are responsible for our own well being. I have a very difficult marriage myself and have learned, over time, that I am responsible for filling the hours of my day. He does not exist to entertain me. I do not exist to entertain him. Find something to do that you enjoy and do it.

As for physical sexual release, I am sure you learned how to accomplish this on your own when you were a teenager.
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I am 67, my wife is 51. We have been married for 18 years. She has some physical issues, as do I, but neither would interfere with sex and she is still very pretty so it isn't a lack of desire on my part.
 
SetWave said:
Reminds me of my marriage. Sadly.
I like sex A LOT but the emotional attachment heightens the physical pleasure so I can appreciate your situation. Hang in there, man. Be a good father to your son and . . .
As Aneeda says, the need for physical release is, uh, in your hands...
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Well, the physical release requires stimulation, and porn really sucks. I mean I really hate that I have to find satisfaction watching porn consisting of some young woman who will regret making the video in 5 years pretend she is getting seduced by her step-brother.
 
LSWOTE said:
Well, the physical release requires stimulation, and porn really sucks. I mean I really hate that I have to find satisfaction watching porn consisting of some young woman who will regret making the video in 5 years pretend she is getting seduced by her step-brother.
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To hell with porn. All I require is a vivid imagination . . . and boy do I have one. :p
As I said, stay with your son, be a good father and raise him well.
 
LSWOTE said:
I am 67, my wife is 51. We have been married for 18 years. She has some physical issues, as do I, but neither would interfere with sex and she is still very pretty so it isn't a lack of desire on my part.
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So if your wife was now ugly you wouldn’t want sex with her? 🤣. Is she going through menopause? A lot of woman going through menopause are very uncomfortable. In any event, it’s her body, her decision, and no, married or not, means no.

I said nothing about watching porn. 🤮
 
Aneeda72 said:
So if your wife was now ugly you wouldn’t want sex with her? 🤣. Is she going through menopause? A lot of woman going through menopause are very uncomfortable. In any event, it’s her body, her decision, and no, married or not, means no.

I said nothing about watching porn. 🤮
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You said to accomplish what I did when I was a teenager, which is self-pleasure. Unlike SetWave I do not have a vivid imagination so I need external stimulation, which is why I mentioned porn.

I am not a person to force anyone to do anything, so as you said, her body, her decision. But what I am I to do? Cheat? Leave?
 
LSWOTE said:
You said to accomplish what I did when I was a teenager, which is self-pleasure. Unlike SetWave I do not have a vivid imagination so I need external stimulation, which is why I mentioned porn.

I am not a person to force anyone to do anything, so as you said, her body, her decision. But what I am I to do? Cheat? Leave?
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How about you do without sex? Yes, do without. Otherwise do whatever you want. Why ask a group of strangers what you should do? At your age, leave, cheat, separate, divorce, whatever. You are a grown up. Make a decision.

Or see a therapist and ask the therapist. Any opinion you get here will be just opinions of people who do not know the whole story as we can’t talk to your wife. Maybe you smell, maybe you are too fat, maybe you fart too much, or maybe she is just done with sex. Whatever.
 
LSWOTE said:
You said to accomplish what I did when I was a teenager, which is self-pleasure. Unlike SetWave I do not have a vivid imagination so I need external stimulation, which is why I mentioned porn.

I am not a person to force anyone to do anything, so as you said, her body, her decision. But what I am I to do? Cheat? Leave?
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Be a good man. Take it and stop complaining. Be a good husband and a good father and accept the situation.
 
LSWOTE said:
You said to accomplish what I did when I was a teenager, which is self-pleasure. Unlike SetWave I do not have a vivid imagination so I need external stimulation, which is why I mentioned porn.

I am not a person to force anyone to do anything, so as you said, her body, her decision. But what I am I to do? Cheat? Leave?
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You are in a difficult place. There is often an expectation that men require very little to satisfy themselves sexually. For some that may be true, but not for all. My late fiancé disliked porn immensely. Not on moral or religious grounds, he

just did not like feeling manipulated, and he felt sorry for the young women. I can understand you wanting to stay primarily for the sake of your son. Do you and your wife have a cordial relationship over all?
 
SetWave said:
Be a good man. Take it and stop complaining. Be a good husband and a good father and accept the situation.
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Jeez, that is terrible advice. Why even have a forum like this if you can't have a discussion? I have been, and will continue to be a good man and good father. Good husband though? I pay the bills and provide care for her elderly mother who has lived with us my entire marriage. I am a decent man, but a marriage without intimacy barely makes me a husband, much less a good one.
 
SetWave said:
Be a good man. Take it and stop complaining. Be a good husband and a good father and accept the situation.
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Wow, that is both simplistic and harsh. No wonder many men find it so difficult to open up and share their feelings. Being a good husband and father does not require living in misery with a partner who has apparently abrogated all

emotional and sexual investment in her marriage. She is equally responsible for being a good spouse and mother. Children flourish with loving happy parents, not unhappy ones. I have counselled many kids who were torn apart by living with unhappy parents.
 
LSWOTE said:
Jeez, that is terrible advice. Why even have a forum like this if you can't have a discussion? I have been, and will continue to be a good man and good father. Good husband though? I pay the bills and provide care for her elderly mother who has lived with us my entire marriage. I am a decent man, but a marriage without intimacy barely makes me a husband, much less a good one.
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Quoted for truth.
 
LSWOTE said:
...she is really doesn't like to discuss relationship issues of any kind....She told me she looks at me like a brother...My wife has a large network of friends she gets emotional support from and she doesn't have the same emotional needs as me...she just doesn't need sex....teenage son with my wife who is still living at home and I enjoy having him around. He will be starting his own life soon...counseling but she adamantly said no...doesn't want to help me
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I have removed everything in your opening quote that is about you to help you focus on your wife. I'm sorry but she's made it crystal clear.

You said...She doesn't want to discuss it. She doesn't look at you as a lover. She looks at you as a brother. She doesn't need you. She doesn't want to help you. She doesn't want to change.

So you have to be the one to change if you want to continue to live with her. It's possible. You have to choose between sex with someone else who shares love with you, or sharing a fulfilling life with the wife you love but void of sex.
 
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Shalimar said:
You are in a difficult place. There is often an expectation that men require very little to satisfy themselves sexually. For some that may be true, but not for all. My late fiancé disliked porn immensely. Not on moral or religious grounds, he

just did not like feeling manipulated, and he felt sorry for the young women. I can understand you wanting to stay primarily for the sake of your son. Do you and your wife have a cordial relationship over all?
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Cordial would be the way I would describe it. My wife is delightfully outgoing. I love hearing her voice, I often compare her voice to a lovely glass mobile tinkling in the wind. Most days we have polite conversation with each other.
 
LSWOTE said:
Jeez, that is terrible advice. Why even have a forum like this if you can't have a discussion? I have been, and will continue to be a good man and good father. Good husband though? I pay the bills and provide care for her elderly mother who has lived with us my entire marriage. I am a decent man, but a marriage without intimacy barely makes me a husband, much less a good one.
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Good grief, enough is enough. You have gone above and beyond in trying to be a good husband. Few would have opened their home as you have done. Where is the reciprocity? You have the right to be treated with the respect you have clearly earned.
 

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