Short Tempered Daughter

P

Patnono

Member
Location
Whittier,Ca
Hi, how do you deal with an adult daughter who is hot tempered? She lives with me, when ever I have to talk to her about what I feel is important, she comes back hard with her emotions.
I try to speak softly as to not have this happen because it triggers my anxiety, but sometimes things need to be discussed, things that she needs to know? Could she be bipolar?
 

Patnono said:
Hi, how do you deal with an adult daughter who is hot tempered? She lives with me, when ever I have to talk to her about what I feel is important, she comes back hard with her emotions.
I try to speak softly as to not have this happen because it triggers my anxiety, but sometimes things need to be discussed, things that she needs to know? Could she be bipolar?
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It is possible that she has Biopolar Disorder, also possible she uses anger as a way to avoid topics she doesn’t want to discuss.
 
Yes, that was my thought? She's always been like this. Through she has gotten somewhat better, but now that she's an adult, should step back and calm herself, I've told her this. It's just uncomfortable living with someone you can't speak with? Other wise she is a caring and giving person.
 

They say that anger is really fear turned inside-out. She probably gets angry right off the bat because she knows what your saying is true and is fearful of how to manage the situation she is dealing with.
 
I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like the old "I don't want to hear this so I am going to shut you up" defense. It's basically bully tactics. If it's something that needs to be said, I'd say it anyway and let her get as mad as she wants to, unless you are physically afraid of her, in which case that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish.
 
Butterfly said:
I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like the old "I don't want to hear this so I am going to shut you up" defense. It's basically bully tactics. If it's something that needs to be said, I'd say it anyway and let her get as mad as she wants to, unless you are physically afraid of her, in which case that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish.
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Agree.
 
No, I'm not afraid of her physically at all, she usually comes back later and apologizes. She says I stress her out. I'm just trying to give her useful information. I'm a parent who's if a trains coming, I'm going to tell you a trains coming? What's WRONG with that? I rarely do it, nobody knows everything, just thought I was helping.
My parents never tried to educate me on anything about Life. I really needed it, trying to not make the same mistakes they made.
 
My sisters are like this. Sometimes the slightest innocent statement will prompt anger
and she runs like a scared rabbit. She literally runs at high speed. This is not normal
behavior, I also think it is a power issue. She hides from the perceived conflict.

It is not bi polar, she is afraid of criticism and advice from you.. Even the threat or possibility of judgements
is enough. You need to be diplomatic, cautious, and say things in a round about nice way.
She doesn't want you to think that you know more than her. I felt the same way back then.

There's a joke: A teen is going out for the evening. His Dad says" well, have a very good time."
Teen says: "Don't tell me what to do"!
 
I've tried doing the round about thing, she picks up on it. The only time she listens if I'm crying. I shouldn't have to do things that way?
She's in her 30's, but she'll be moving soon?
 
Will you feel relief when she moves or will you be sad? It's going to be soon, so prepare. I would think a little of both would be normal.

I agree, crying is no way to get to understand one another, I think it just makes the listener resentful and after enough of listening to crying, the listener revolts and the crier collapses in exhaustion.

Just keep in mind, you and your daughter are bonded. Nothing will break that.
 
Yea, both, I think sometimes I can't wait for her to leave, but I want them to learn how to live without me, I'm getting older, So there's no time like the present?
 
Butterfly said:
I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like the old "I don't want to hear this so I am going to shut you up" defense. It's basically bully tactics. If it's something that needs to be said, I'd say it anyway and let her get as mad as she wants to, unless you are physically afraid of her, in which case that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish.
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Is there a friend nearby who can observe what's going on? If your daughter's behavior is different when someone else is present, it might be time to push her out of the nest and change the locks. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home!
 
I've written back to others, I'm NOT afraid of her, she just doesn't want to hear what I have to say.
This rarely happens, shes a very independent woman who feels she knows everything. Other parents say the same about their kids, that's the way kids are these days. She's anxious to move out. I'm just going too let her figure things out for herself.
 
Patnono said:
I've written back to others, I'm NOT afraid of her, she just doesn't want to hear what I have to say.
This rarely happens, shes a very independent woman who feels she knows everything. Other parents say the same about their kids, that's the way kids are these days. She's anxious to move out. I'm just going too let her figure things out for herself.
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Oops, I misunderstood - sorry! :(
 
That's, ok. I only said she had a short temper not that she was going to hurt me. She's just like a lot of young adults who think they know everything? And wants us parents to stay out of their business, which is what I usually do. Thanks for writing.
 
My parents tried to tell me how to run my life, I now know they meant well and could see with the wiseness of age that I was about to make mistakes and they wanted to prevent me from getting hurt. I refused their advice and their advice made me even more resolute to do it my way. I did with my child the same thing and she reacted the same way I did. They say the best teacher is experience. I'd say tell her ONCE only and then drop it. You relieve yourself of the guilt of not warning her and also allow her to make the mistakes she will make anyway in spite or because of you. She's in her 30's, no longer a child, she has the right to make her own decisions, right or wrong. And she'll be on her own ''soon'', be glad when she moves out and enjoy your privacy.
 
Thank you, your right ☺️ my parents told me absolutely nothing, I just didn't want to be that kind of parent. If she didn't live with me it would be easier, hard to turn off the parent switch. I call it a Life Sentence ��
 
Patanono you said "I'm just trying to give her useful information. I'm a parent who's if a trains coming, I'm going to tell you a trains coming? What's WRONG with that?" Maybe you will have to just let her learn the hard way. I tell that to my husband when he keeps telling one of our grandchildren things about how and when to check the oil in their car and lots of other things. Its obvious the young man (he's 24) doesn't want any advise. I tell my husband that this is a learning time and if the kid ruins the motor in his vehicle, let him deal with it. Let him be without a car for several months till he can get another one. If they don't want to listen, no matter how much it hurts us, we might have to let the train hit them. I know it hurts.
 
patnono i know where you are coming from-- you make suggestions to them and they say -i know what i am doing-o well what the hell
 
Patnono said:
She's an adult, she is moving sometime this year? She just got her bachelor's degree. She'll be able too. Thanks
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If she is an adult and just got her bachelor's degree, I think it is time for you to "let go". Let her make her own mistakes. At this age, you can't bully them or constantly try to tell her what to do. She will resent you for it.

Let her go, enjoy her company. Treat her as an adult and trust her to make the right decisions on her own. Give her space and don't nag.

That is just my advice, since you asked.
 

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