I have always been a positive and optimistic person, even though I didn't have a lot of reasons to be, at least in the sense that most people think of reasons to be happy.
But I was always basically on the happy side of neutral.
Up until recently....
A couple of months ago, my mind started dwelling on some things that happened (and some things that didn't happen) a long, long time ago. Mistakes and bad decisions I made, bad timing, etc, etc. Seeing people I knew seem to effortlessly succeed at both personal relationships and occupational endeavors, while everything I attempted I seemed to be stymied. Sometimes by conditions beyond my control, like a congenital disorder that blocked me from certain occupations, etc,
Now, for the past few weeks, I've been feeling lonely, sad and depressed.
I have nobody in my life and every day is just a lonely repeat of the previous one. I've been getting outside and walking for exercise every day which helps a bit. Found out after weighing myself on a public scale the other day, that I've lost about 20 lbs or so. Could stand to lose some more, so I'll keep at that.
After the beginning of the new year, after I take care of some other business and after a vaccine for this COVID business becomes available, I might look into joining a local chapter of a nationwide community service group that meets once per week. Get involved and maybe make some new friends.
I've never been suicidal and I highly doubt I'd ever get to that point. But I will admit that lately, the thought of passing away earlier than I had planned, doesn't seem like such a bad thing and possibly even a relief.
I hope this wasn't too maudlin or self-pitying as I am not that kind of person.