Stand by your principles are you a forgive and forget type of person or not

Murrmurr said:
I'm sure sorry, Holly. Taking a guess, I'd say your daughter feels rejected by her dad, and talking about him, or even caring, brings that feeling of rejection to the surface, and she just can't handle it.

To understand and help, you could just ask her...like, ask her how it really truly makes her feel to talk about him. It might hurt her to dig deep, but it could also relieve her of those feelings.

But, I'm just guessing.
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oh she did feel that in her teens and probably her 20's... but not now in her mid 40's .. she's explained this to me.. she is highly intelligent completely in touch with her feelings, and as she explained.. she feels nothing for him, because he simply doesn't exist to her!
 

I have to add this is nothing new for my dd.. if she doesn't want you in her life, or is not interested in you as a person, she's very capable of complete ghosting you... It's obviously some kind of preservation thing, perhaps stemming from when her father left.. but she doesn't take prisoners, and if she's decided you're not in her life you will never have the door opened again.

I have always been aware of this.. but I just thought she would have a little compassion for her own father.. . I haven't told her how I feel because it would make no difference at all to her reaction to him...I just feel sad that this is how she feels
 

hollydolly said:
oh she did feel that in her teens and probably her 20's... but not now in her mid 40's .. she's explained this to me.. she is highly intelligent completely in touch with her feelings, and as she explained.. she feels nothing for him, because he simply doesn't exist to her!
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Personally, I can relate to your daughter. And you're right, it's not going to change.
 
Murrmurr said:
Personally, I can relate to your daughter. And you're right, it's not going to change.
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I speak to him because he is the father of my child.. and because we once had a marriage, and because he's now ill. he's not looking for sympathy he's never asked for it.. and he's never pushed for Daughter to see him or speak to him.. he's just hoping one day she'll meet with him, and I can't bring myself to tell him that will never happen..
 
hollydolly said:
I speak to him because he is the father of my child.. and because we once had a marriage, and because he's now ill. he's not looking for sympathy he's never asked for it.. and he's never pushed for Daughter to see him or speak to him.. he's just hoping one day she'll meet with him, and I can't bring myself to tell him that will never happen..
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I don't think you have to tell him that unless he asks.

If your daughter and I are actually alike in this regard, she just doesn't like wasting time on such things. It simply isn't significant to her. I doubt she'll ever regret that, and that's a good thing, isn't it?
 
My father left our family of 4 children all under the age 6. As in prior post, different forum, I was 2 when he left and born physically in need of many operations. Thirteen years of being in and out of hospitals. He never saw me in the hospital and financially never supported us. None of my siblings had anything to do with him. I from my teenage years on I tried to make an attachment. I never did make a real connection but finally came to accept this was how it was going to be. Last year he fell ill and was going to pass. I went down to help his wife as she could not get the help quickly enough and she was at her wits end. When I arrived the only thing he said was I wish it was my mother that came instead of me. Thank goodness his wife of 25 years did not hear it. My husband and I gave his wife a much needed rest and recuperation for a few days until she got stabilized and medical assistance for him and I left. He passed a few days later. I did this to honor his parents, my Grandmother and Grandfather who were a blessing in our lives. None of my siblings ever had anything to do with him and I never told them I was there or that he passed. My cousins announced it to them.
 
hollydolly said:
are you a forgive and forget type of person?
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Mostly forgive, I hold few grudges. However I don't always forget, take into account a person's past when deciding to trust or not and other things. Doesn't mean I dislike them, just careful.

There are a few people, very few, less than half a dozen I think who I have just cut 100% out of my life. No contact, and if they try to contact me I ignore it. So perhaps they remain, and always will, unforgiven.
 
Murrmurr said:
I don't think you have to tell him that unless he asks.

If your daughter and I are actually alike in this regard, she just doesn't like wasting time on such things. It simply isn't significant to her. I doubt she'll ever regret that, and that's a good thing, isn't it?
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well he has asked ..just once, at around Christmas time he said he hoped he'd be well enough for her to meet with him by Easter. He's still not well enough, he's going back into hospital for more surgery ( prostate cancer).. next month.. and I called and asked DD if she wanted to hear anything about her father if it was a medical issue ( I know not to mention him in casual conversation) ..she said quote '' only if he's dying or dead )... I just felt it was very harsh, altho' I didn't say that to her, and just told her he has cancer, and her reply was a dismissive ''oh well''.. just let me know when he's dead otherwise don't tell me anything about his medical situation!

If he'd been like my father , I could have understood this way of thinking, but he wasn't as I said before.. but I have to respect her decision, even if I can't change it.. !
 
Alligatorob said:
Mostly forgive, I hold few grudges. However I don't always forget, take into account a person's past when deciding to trust or not and other things. Doesn't mean I dislike them, just careful.

There are a few people, very few, less than half a dozen I think who I have just cut 100% out of my life. No contact, and if they try to contact me I ignore it. So perhaps they remain, and always will, unforgiven.
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I'm the same Rob, not anywhere nearly to the same extent as my dd,. I give people chances, when really they don't deserve them, and once they've run out of the chances I give them..there's no getting back with me.. it's done, and finished.
 
hollydolly said:
I'm the same Rob
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Yep, sounds similar, but you have had more family issues than I, just luck. Given that its good that you are able to forgive and like most people.

The one person I most avoid is kind of family. My father's wife, she is a very hateful person but took care of my father when he was dying. I had to hold my feelings and act like I liked her until he died. She actually thought I liked her, and said I was the only one in the family who understood her.

As to liking her nothing was further from the truth. However, I probably understood her best letting me manage things so I could be with my father... She was much younger than he, maybe even younger than me, I didn't ask. I don't have the time or energy to describe her here, y'all will just have to take my word for it. So we all have family issues, some more and worse than others.
 
It's a rather sad story but common in many divorce cases. I'm the type of person to "forgive and forget." Life is too short to keep grudges. In 100 years nothing will matter. I had a brother that hated everyone and everything. He died alone. For me, I believe "make love not war." It's better for your heart, your mind and will puzzle all the relatives. Best of luck!
 
hollydolly said:
...when it comes to members of your family or close friends ?

I'm always a little surprised and dismayed by my daughters' rigid no going back type of attitude when she's been wronged ..

I understand her anger altho' she says she's not angry , not any more , she's just dismissive of the person as tho' they have never existed..

The essence of the story is... her father and I divorced when she was 8 years old. When she was 11 years old her father married again to someone much younger who was already in the process of giving birth to another man's child. he and this woman went on to have 2 more children, but in the process.. my ex husband , ''forgot ' about his eldest, and the last she spoke to him was when she was 16 ..on the phone, when once again he'd failed to appear ..for an important occasion, and she was very upset, and slammed the phone down on him.

He never tried to contact her again, except for a hasty birthday card with his number scribbled on it , pushed through the letterbox when she was 21. ..which she promptly tore up and binned.

That marriage of his failed, and he's been living alone for a few years. he's got some serious health issues now, including Pancreatic cancer... , but my daughter doesn't want to know about him.. She's forbidden me to tell her about him, because she doesn't care anything about him at all.. she said that I may as well be talking about a neighbour of mine, or someone I met in the supermarket.. she doesn't care because she doesn't know this person.,..and further to that she doesn't want to hear anything about him despite me saying that , regardless of what's occurred in the past ( she's now 46 ).. he's still her father, he's never abused her physically in any way, never smacked her when she was a child, wasn't a drunken father, but he was absent, and to her showed preference for not only 2 kids that came after her, but in fact one that wasn't even his... which of course is true..

I felt that she might have some compassion in her heart for him now he's sick.. not that he's asking for it , he isn't , .. but she won't even discuss him... Today she informed me that unless he's dead she doesn't want to hear another thing about him.


I can feel her hurt, of course but she's told me she's not hurt, she's not angry.. she just doesn't have any feelings for him at all, so she's not interested in anything about him :(... I just feel it's a pity that she has the opportunity in this last phase of his life to let him become part of it... or at least acknowledge he's her father.. but no, she's adamant.. and at racing towards 50 years old, she's never going to bend

Has anyone else had similar happen within their families ?
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I forgive but never forget. That said, if I were your daughter and had a father who treated me as hers did, I would feel the same as she does.
 
Wontactmyage said:
My father left our family of 4 children all under the age 6. As in prior post, different forum, I was 2 when he left and born physically in need of many operations. Thirteen years of being in and out of hospitals. He never saw me in the hospital and financially never supported us. None of my siblings had anything to do with him. I from my teenage years on I tried to make an attachment. I never did make a real connection but finally came to accept this was how it was going to be. Last year he fell ill and was going to pass. I went down to help his wife as she could not get the help quickly enough and she was at her wits end. When I arrived the only thing he said was I wish it was my mother that came instead of me. Thank goodness his wife of 25 years did not hear it. My husband and I gave his wife a much needed rest and recuperation for a few days until she got stabilized and medical assistance for him and I left. He passed a few days later. I did this to honor his parents, my Grandmother and Grandfather who were a blessing in our lives. None of my siblings ever had anything to do with him and I never told them I was there or that he passed. My cousins announced it to them.
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My mother had been dead since 2003
 
My children and their father opted to be estranged from one another. It's a long story and I don't wish to hijack this thread with it. I doubt they will ever see one another again. I always told my daughters that I wouldn't be angry if they wanted to have some kind of contact with their Dad but, so far, they haven't. Years ago, following our divorce, I texted my ex-husband and asked him how he could just ghost his children (he remarried and moved to another country less than a year after our divorce so there was no chance of casually running into him). His answer was that he just doesn't think about them. Heartless SOB.

@hollydolly I wish I had something meaningful to add to the discussion. I do understand about wishing that maybe there could be one last conversation or some form of communication between them because I'd like to think I would do the same. But it seems your daughter has made peace with her decision. I know my daughters have, too.
 
I will forgive you for little minor things...and continue to be your friend.

But, I will forgive and forget you if you continually abuse me, knowing full well what you are doing and refuse to stop or apologize.
A person can only take so much....

I haven't spoken to my older sister in 3+ yrs, due to her alcoholic behavior.
She's on permanent ignore.
 
Hollydolly your daughter is a grown ass woman capable of making her own decisions. I always say it's each parents individual job to create a relationship with their children. You don't need to parent your daughter any longer, you just need to respect her choices as you would a friend.
 
C50 said:
Hollydolly your daughter is a grown ass woman capable of making her own decisions. I always say it's each parents individual job to create a relationship with their children. You don't need to parent your daughter any longer, you just need to respect her choices as you would a friend.
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have you actually read this whole thread ?..:giggle: you will see I have not itold my daughter how or what to think, on the contrary she thinks I'm totally behind her decision...
 

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