Stand by your principles are you a forgive and forget type of person or not

hollydolly said:
I'm surprised Chic...so if you hadn't seen your father since you were 16 you would wish him dead ?...
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No I wouldn't wish him or anyone dead. But from what you wrote, it sounds like he treated her really badly during her formative years and the scars have remained as the hurts we receive when young often do. So I completely understand her point of view.
 

hollydolly said:
he's not a bad man.. he never was bad to her physically.. nor me.. but he chose another family over her, and she is totally unforgiving of that..
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My daughter feels that way about her father, too. He is very ill. She doesn't care, won't talk about him, and if I accidentally say something about him, she gets angry. She will literally not do anything to help him out. He came over to our house once, dropped off by a friend. She didn't want to let him in, even though he can't stand for very long. She refused to give him a ride home, and he had to call a taxi. That cost $60 because it came from pretty far away ... we don't have taxis in our town. I was unable to drive at the time.

She thinks he is a horrible person, and extremely abusive. Well, he isn't ... he just disagrees with her on some things like politics, social issues. He's not perfect, but three of my kids refuse to have anything to do with him. They all see people in black and white, no gray areas.
 
I don't hold grudges for long. I forgive people, but I do not forget what caused the initial problem. Usually it is a breach of trust, and I remember what things I can't trust them about. For example, one friend is a terrible gossip, so I don't tell her anything unless I want everyone she knows to know about it.
 

chic said:
No I wouldn't wish him or anyone dead. But from what you wrote, it sounds like he treated her really badly during her formative years and the scars have remained as the hurts we receive when young often do. So I completely understand her point of view.
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well he was an absent father, and didn't pay child support but he was never abusive towards her in any way
 
WheatenLover said:
My daughter feels that way about her father, too. He is very ill. She doesn't care, won't talk about him, and if I accidentally say something about him, she gets angry. She will literally not do anything to help him out. He came over to our house once, dropped off by a friend. She didn't want to let him in, even though he can't stand for very long. She refused to give him a ride home, and he had to call a taxi. That cost $60 because it came from pretty far away ... we don't have taxis in our town. I was unable to drive at the time.

She thinks he is a horrible person, and extremely abusive. Well, he isn't ... he just disagrees with her on some things like politics, social issues. He's not perfect, but three of my kids refuse to have anything to do with him. They all see people in black and white, no gray areas.
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yes my dd is absolutely like that.. Sees people in Black and white, there's never any room for anything in between. You're either good or bad in her eyes.. I don't know if it's a generational thing..
 
hollydolly said:
yes my dd is absolutely like that.. Sees people in Black and white, there's never any room for anything in between. You're either good or bad in her eyes.. I don't know if it's a generational thing..
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I've wondered that, too. Mostly because she wasn't ever taught to be that way ... including by my words or actions.

Sometimes I wonder if it's an inherited trait. There are people in my family who are like that - my siblings come to mind.
 
WheatenLover said:
I've wondered that, too. Mostly because she wasn't ever taught to be that way ... including by my words or actions.

Sometimes I wonder if it's an inherited trait. There are people in my family who are like that - my siblings come to mind.
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It's just an odd phenomena.. I 've never come across it anyone else..
 
WheatenLover said:
My daughter feels that way about her father, too. He is very ill. She doesn't care, won't talk about him, and if I accidentally say something about him, she gets angry. She will literally not do anything to help him out. He came over to our house once, dropped off by a friend. She didn't want to let him in, even though he can't stand for very long. She refused to give him a ride home, and he had to call a taxi. That cost $60 because it came from pretty far away ... we don't have taxis in our town. I was unable to drive at the time.

She thinks he is a horrible person, and extremely abusive. Well, he isn't ... he just disagrees with her on some things like politics, social issues. He's not perfect, but three of my kids refuse to have anything to do with him. They all see people in black and white, no gray areas.
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If three of your kids want nothing to do with their father, there are likely other issues you're not aware of. Disagreements about politics, etc. would not inspire such animosity towards a parent.
 
hollydolly said:
have you actually read this whole thread ?..:giggle: you will see I have not itold my daughter how or what to think, on the contrary she thinks I'm totally behind her decision...
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No I didn't read the entire thread, sorry, my bad. Though my advise stays much the same, respect and accept her decisions.
 
To answer the initial thread question.....
I don't carry grudges or hold on to anger, but have a fairly unyielding set of morals. If someone severely wrongs me I don't think in terms of "I hate them", but what I do is simply wash that person out of my life.

Once you break my confidence, lose my trust or act in ways I consider disrespectful you become nothing to me. I won't waste any energy trying to like or accept you, and I wont waste any energy in hating you.

It's a dissociative power I've perfected over the years. lol
 
Murrmurr said:
I was thinking of my ex-wife, Shelly. We were madly in love when she became my wife. She became my ex after she started drinking too much, using drugs, and shagged our neighbor. In fact, she left the kids in her car while shagging the neighbor. Our youngest was only 9 months old.

Shelly was killed in a terrible car accident 3yrs after the divorce. I felt nothing when I heard about it. I wasn't glad, or sad, felt neither shock nor satisfaction. Just nothing; like being told Cindy Schwartz died. (I don't know anyone named Cindy Schwartz)
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...so sad... but you raised those beautiful children yourself.. and what a great job you made of it..(y)
 
hollydolly said:
well he was an absent father, and didn't pay child support but he was never abusive towards her in any way
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Being absent during a child's formative is a form of psychological abuse I think. I don't want to start a war over this. I'm sure you gave her all the love in the world but kids need a good, attentive, father who loves them dearly and is there for them everyday voluntarily. So I can empathize with her feelings now.
 
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I forgive because it is easier. It takes too much effort to hold a grudge, though I believe some people could do with a metal pipe or a sock full of quarters smacked between their eyes or upside the head. If I could do that with no trouble following that would be my method instead.
 
I've gotten to a point in my life where I can't forgive or forget someone who has hurt me. My Husband and I moved a few months ago and I never told my old friends that lived on the same street that we did that I was moving. They believed a lie about me so I just walked away from them.
 
hollydolly said:
oh she did feel that in her teens and probably her 20's... but not now in her mid 40's .. she's explained this to me.. she is highly intelligent completely in touch with her feelings, and as she explained.. she feels nothing for him, because he simply doesn't exist to her!
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My grand-daughter(for whatever reason) told my daughter(her mother) that "you are dead too me". My daughter died with that dagger in her heart. Of course my GD is extremely remorseful, but will carry that burden the rest of her days. Emotions are strong between family, both the positive and the negative. It's so much better to let it go, judgement and animosity weigh heavy on both parties souls.
 
I forgive easily and I'm truly sincere about it BUT...
I don't believe that means I have to be their friend.

As far as forgetting goes,
I don't think that means
we get some type of amnesia.

I just think it means letting go.
Not going over and over about it
in one's head nor to a 3rd party.
`
 
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Nathan said:
It's so much better to let it go, judgement and animosity weigh heavy on both parties souls
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Yes, particularly when it comes to family. Can be hard to do sometimes though.

In my case the person whom I will not forgive but am trying to forget is not a biological relative, my father's fourth wife. Don't feel much family connect there, she made sure of that. I will die happy if I never see or hear her again.
 
I'm generally a forgive but not completely forget type of person. When familiar signals arise I know what may lie ahead.

Some people are out of my life because there simply aren't enough positives to outweigh the negatives. In my heart I wish them well with their other relationships, but being in each other's spheres brings too much pain - often to both parties.

No matter how hopefully, frequently or vigorously one mixes oil and water, they will always separate.

With respect to your daughter, @hollydolly, bless you for offering her an opportunity for some level of reconciliation with her father. That's a kindness. Her indifference toward him (and some others who've hurt her) is a protective defense mechanism.

I'm sorry that your ex is so ill and admire your ability to focus on what was good about your time with him. Many would only see the betrayals.
 
Sassycakes said:
I've gotten to a point in my life where I can't forgive or forget someone who has hurt me. My Husband and I moved a few months ago and I never told my old friends that lived on the same street that we did that I was moving. They believed a lie about me so I just walked away from them.
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People in the same street who did as you say, well n one can really argue with that I'd suggest.

The Meghan Markles of this world behaving as they do, raising other questions entirely I'd guess most folks in the UK believe. She has, as we all know issues regards her own dad, who she used to live with, and appeared close with then, which must have contributed to giving her much confidence you'd have to say, or she gained it one way or another as an actress of some note, and then being far less nervous than Prince Harry on her wedding day, (wedding day number two for her of course).
 
Alligatorob said:
Yes, particularly when it comes to family. Can be hard to do sometimes though.

In my case the person whom I will not forgive but am trying to forget is not a biological relative, my father's fourth wife. Don't feel much family connect there, she made sure of that. I will die happy if I never see or hear her again.
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I had the same thing with my father's 3rd wife.. fortunately she's dead now, but a more evil person it would be hard to meet, she and he , were made for each other. I would never forgive that woman for the things she did to cause as much pain to us kids who'd only just lost our mother... I hope she rots in hell
 
I tend to give a person three strikes. The first time, maybe you're just having a bad day and taking it out on someone. The second time, makes me wonder, but I'll give you another chance. Third time, you're out. No forgiving, no forgetting. You're on my !@#$% list. You're not going to get another chance to do me wrong.
 
grahamg said:
We are the lucky survivors yes, though reading the post above yours suggests there is some question marks over whether or not we've become hardened, (what would any of us think if our ex were to leave this mortal toil?).
Sorry to have to disagree, but when I found that my ex had died, I drew a sigh of profound relief. He brutalized me, cheated on me, tried to molest our baby daughter and came close to murdering us both. I couldn't think of one good reason for him to continue to take up space on this planet. After I escaped from him, he murdered someone and blew up someone else's car.
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