The first 2 times my eldest daughter came home for Christmas Eve vacation from her schooling in Family Counseling, she chose to bring up particular things that I had done in the past that upset her badly. (Not terrible things) I kept my mouth shut as she spoke, (while hurting inside from her words), because I could see she needed to tell me. I apologized for those things I realized she was right about, but when she started griping about other things for which she was wrong, I brought up some of her misbehavior's. She disagreed. (sigh) I got tired of hearing her complaints, so I went to bed saying, you can dish it out but you can't take it. Christmas day, we said no more about any of it. What is ironic is that during her schooling she told me she had learned that many of the other students had been miserably raised, and that she had little to gripe about when it came to me as her parent.
I said in an earlier post I'd try to come back to make a more thorough response when I'd had more time to think, so here it is, (and please excuse me when I vere off into anecdotes about my own daughter, in an attempt to illuminate my response).
My thoughts may seem to you both uncomfortable and unfair, as they may indeed be, BUT here goes...!
At the end of your post I'm replying to now you tell of your eldest daughter returning from school and saying "she had little to gripe about when it came to me as her parent"!
I believe this is the case, obviously her saying so is sufficient, and it is some achievement to have your child make such an affirmation, and I've no doubt it was deserved, "what then can I be thinking you may not wish to hear"?
Simply and baldly this, the way your whole post I've quoted reads to me is that "you've fulfilled your role as a mother as though someone has been or is looking over your shoulder"!
I can completely understand why anyone might do this I think, and maybe my own mother felt the same pressure, and in my view those experts I've posted links to recently, raising objection to the direction of travel in family law were afraid of this too, but I believe it detracts from close interpersonal relationships to have to feel you are being monitored in any way.
A Canadian lawyer called Goldwater had quite a bit to say on this, and published a paper around 1992 on " The need for privacy in close personal relationships", (she also made a very telling quote on children's rights too, but I'll make that the subject of another post perhaps).
Now for my anecdote, well my own daughter even when her mother and I were together up go the age of two and a half, was not prone to giving many hugs to either of us, (she didn't smile as a baby either, so much so we were both convinced as parents that no baby ever really smiled, and it was only wind if they did!). After the break up of my marriage my daughter remained fairly difficult to obtain a hug from, or give one to, so a similar pattern, with some wonderful exceptions, (but overall you'd have to say she certainly wasn't a clingy child).
I must throw in here I believe my child was warned at an early age about the dangers of adults hugging her in regard to abuse, and this entered her mind perhaps, but whether it did or not, the way around her not wishing to be hugged was she did love to be carried on my shoulders, and we'd walk a!ong having discussions as we did so, and I think folks in the street found this amusing!
Why mention these things, well I believe I managed, as far as I could, to avoid the feeling everything I said to my child or the way my contact days were spent etc., fallng into this trap of my behaving as though I had someone looking over my shoulder, inhibiting what I might say or do, whilst ironically my ex did no doubt question our child on her return home quite closely. That's all, or my reason for mentioning my own life, and here's the greatest irony, the man without any relationship with his daughter us lecturing on the way to develop close relationships with your child, but I hope you know what I mean anyway.
