The General Humor Thread

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RAISING THE DEAD

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set, and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set, and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said,

“I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”




THE FROG, THE KISS, THE SURPRISE

So, this senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, “Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you “He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. “I must be going nuts,” he thought, “There’s no one here.”

The voice then said, “Please, sir. Please help me.”

Again all he saw was the frog which was looking straight at him. “Who said that?” he asked rather loudly.

“I did, sir. I’m the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me.”

The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. “How can I help you?” he asked.

“The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess, and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you.”

The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. “At my age,” he said, “I’d rather have a talking frog.”

 
He's working out and eating a Big Mac at the same time at a Street corner square.
I'm walking past, and he offers to show me some Karate Kicks.
So, I agree. He tries to do a roundhouse kick, but his belly gets in the way, it looks like a blocked punt.
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I'd have a much better chance of self-defense swinging an Axe.
 
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet.

We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
 
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