The General Humor Thread

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REALITY CHECK

  • Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
  • Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPPEE!
  • How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, just think of Algebra.
  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
  • I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
  • The golden years are really just metallic years: gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
  • Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of and gradually approach 18.
  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
  • Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
  • Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
  • Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and blind that they don’t recognize you.
  • If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
 
jeff said:
*****

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury’s store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Sainsbury’s.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this especially to all your retired friends. it will be their laugh for the day
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