The jokes only thread....

Well, some are funny....I deleted a lot

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

I don’t mean to interrupt people but I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.

Just once I want a username and password prompt to say 'Close Enough '.

If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages…Metamucil and Ensure.

You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don’t want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to
anything.

Now that I have lived through a plague I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…..Turn Signals.

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the 401 yesterday morning at 8:45. The whole area was congestion free for eight hours.

Jokes were just flying around the coffee shop today - it was a full on brewhaha!

Three thousand and twenty-seven years from now, life will either be really good or really bad. It’s 5050.

What’s the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist? The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what’s going on and now I have to pee.
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A ten year-Lil Johnny is walking down the street
when a big man on a black motorcycle,
pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid,
wanna go for a ride?" "No!", says Lil Johnny and
he keeps on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says,
"Hey Lil Johnny, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"
"NO!" says lil Johnny and proceeds down the street even faster.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says,
"Ok Lil Johnny, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy
if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point Lil Johnny turns around to him and screams angrily,
"Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!
 
Today Lil Johnny is sitting on the park bench and
he's eating Snicker candy bars one after the other.
An old man's watching him, and is compelled to say something,
so he walks over to Lil Johnny, and asks,
"Son, what the hell are you doing eating candy bar
after candy bar? Don't you know that will make you sick???"
Well; Lil Johnny finishes the last bite of his Snickers and
looks over to the old man and says,
"Sir, do you know what my daddy did when
he was my age and he's lived a long time..."
The old man replies, "Did he eat candy bars like that, too?"
Lil Johnny replies, "Nope, he minded his own business..."

Quote Multi Quote Like
 

Lil Johnny comes home with a new pair of boots.
Asks Mr. Lil Johnny if she notices anything different.
Mrs. Lil Johnny looks over from the stove and says, "Nope"
So Lil Johnny goes to the Bathroom strips naked, puts back on
His new boots and struts back into the Kitchen.
"Notice anything different," he now says," Nope She says,
its still hanging down!"
"He's hanging down looking at my new Boots," says Lil Johnny!
Mrs. Lil Johnny glares and says, "lil Johnny you should of bought a Hat"
 
Captain Lil Johnny has taken his Fighting Ship into harm's way and
as the storm of fire rages down on his ship, Captain Lil Johnny realizes.
The reports of damage of the Ship's sinking fast.
He calls out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One-man steps forward.
"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," says Captain Lil Johnny, "
Lil Johnny once again reaches for the Mic saying,
"All hands abandoned ship, each to his own."
Then looking over to the Yeoman he says,
"You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets.
We're one short."
 
Lil Johnny and his new blonde wife are laying in bed awake
because the neighbor's dog keeps barking.
Mrs. Lil Johnny says : "I've had enough of this!"
Being blond and nude, She gets up,
puts on her house coat and down the stairs she goes.
A while later she comes back removes her coat and
gets between the covers again.
Lil Johnny asks, "Where did you go?
I'm getting cold & that dog is still barking."
"I know," Mrs. Lil Johnny replies while hugging him.
"I put it in our yard, let's see how the neighbors like it!"
 
Devil Goes down to the Georgia Church & A few minutes before the church services start & the congregation begins sitting in their pews & talking. Suddenly, Satan's there at the front of the church congregation. Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church is empty except for one elderly old Fart who sits calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. So, Satan walks up to the man and says, "Do you know who I am?" The old Fart replies, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't," said the old fart. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" says Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," replies the old man relaxed sitting there. "Do you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persists Satan. "Yep,' says the calm old fart. "And you are still not afraid," asks Satan? "Nope," says this old Fart. More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The old Fart just sits there and calmly replies, "Been married to one of your sisters all my adult life." ..... (y)

Quote Multi Quote Like
 
Lil Johnny, a farmer is in his bar sipping a good head of Draft &
the Blond comes in and sits on the Bar stool next to him & orders Champaign.
Lil Johnny introduces himself and ponders, "Why a Champaign?"
"This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," says the hot young Blond.
'What a coincidence!' says Lil Johnny a farmer and they clink glasses.
So, he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
So, the Hottie says, "My husband and I have been trying to have a Baby and today my
gynecologist told me that I am with Child!"
"What a coincidence!" says Lil Johnny, "I'm a chicken farmer and all last
year my hens were all infertile, but now they all are laying eggs again."
"That's great!" says the incredible hot Blond, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I got me a different Rooster," Lil Johnny proudly replies!
Well; the Hottie smiles, clinks his glass and says, "Amazing, Coincidences."
 
Are you aware of the three shortest words in the English language?
Is it in

Six-year-old kid checking out his mother’s ID card. Sex: F He laughs… Mom: What’s so funny about it?
Kid: I can’t believe you’re so terrible at sex that you failed at it. The husband died laughing!!!

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it

What makes a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
 

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.​

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service were good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before
​
 
↑ ↑ That may seem so cruel but true ! I don't do brunch at Hardees! Same reason! Wild Horses never stop Wild fires !

Lester is riding his Harley down the street; it quits running at the stop sign.
So, he kicks it, and kicks it again, still it won't start and run, nothing!
Well Lester doesn't have a choice after checking the fuel, spark and intake behind the air filter.
So, Lester starts walking home, it's only a few miles so there it all begins.
Lester passes the sign of a mental Health Hospital and can hear kids playing in the yard.
Unfortunately, Lester did not read the sign and is obviously not all knowing.
So, Lester hears them chanting, " thirteen-thirteen-thirteen-thirteen".
Well; Lester thinks it's strange, so he thinks as he walks on down the walk and a little further!
Sees a knot hole in the fence Infront of the Kids noises.
He Sees a knot hole where he peers through to see what the kids were doing.

OW! Some kid pokes Lester in the eye with a stick and as he moans in pain, falls away he Hears the kids chanting "fourteen-fourteen-fourteen-fourteen".
 
Investigating a crime scene where a woman had shot a man because he walked across the kitchen floor that she'd just spent an hour sweeping, mopping, and waxing, a police officer radioed back to the police station to make his report.

“The woman in question is the husband's wife, and she freaked out on him for stepping on the floor. that she'd just thoroughly cleaned The husband is still alive, but I haven't been able to get him to the ambulance outside."


“He's still inside the house?! Have you arrested her?” asks the surprised Police Chief.

“Oh, hell, no! The floor’s still wet!”
 
"People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success
Actually, it is no secret at all.
I am a forgiving woman years ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman."


A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied,
"I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."


Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon.
I assume that’s where they’re going anyway.
When I asked the groom what he was doing after the wedding he said he was
going to Bangor for two weeks...

A couple were married for 67 years.
The husband was asked if in all those years he had ever thought of divorce.
"Heavens no," he replied. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”

























 

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...​

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.
 
The little fish is swimming along,
Minding his own business
Swimming, swimming, swimming.
Until suddenly with no warning
He bumps his lips on a concrete wall!
What did he say? .......Dam ..... (n)
 

A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes, so she organises a blonde convention. Over 50,000 blondes attend.​

The leader stands on a stage and says,
"Us blondes have always been misrepresented by the media and we have always been stereotyped. We are here today to prove us blondes aren't dumb! Now may I have a volunteer?"

A blonde steps onto the stage.

"What is ten divided by two?"

The volunteer replies, "Two."

The leader is dismayed but the crowd cheers, "Another chance!"

A second volunteer is called up. Once again she asks the question and the blonde replies,"T-ten?"

The crowd shouts
,"Another chance!"

The third volunteer is called up. After three minutes of thought, she correctly replies,"Five."

The crowd shouts,"Another chance!"
 
Lil Johnny, the man and a woman are on a train.
The Lil Hottie breaks the silence saying to Lil Johnny,
"Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place."
Lil Johnny thinks a moment in surprise but replies,
"Awwww...I'm Lil Johnny, are you single?" Then
Lil Johnny gives her a big smile of obvious interest,
trying to casually seem interested.
The Hottie replies "No, I'm a dentist!"
 
Every day my friend sends me 3 short jokes. She sent me these today.

Her: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
Him: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
Her: “True but I do.”

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”

Chinese: “Me not come to work, me sick.”
Boss: “When I’m sick I have sex with my wife, try it.”
Later Chinese called back: “It worked. Me better. You got nice house!”
 
A sad, Painted Horse trots into the bar
on a very hot late afternoon.
The Hot young Redhaired bartender says,
"Why the long face?"
The Sad, painted horse snickers and says,
"Baby Ruth fell off and rolled down the hill!"
"When I got to Baby Ruth
she was melting in the hot sun."
"Do you have any Ice Left!"
 
I asked ChatGPT to tell me a funny joke about incels. This is what it gave me back...

I'm an AI language model created by OpenAI and I do not generate content that promotes hate speech or stereotypes any particular group of people. Jokes that target a specific group, regardless of the topic, can be hurtful and offensive. Let's try to find something more positive to laugh about.

Funny joke denied.

:ROFLMAO:
 
Bob works hard at the plant & spends two nights each week bowling & plays golf every Saturday. His wife wants to reward him for working so hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them & says, "Hi, Bob, how ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled & asks if he's been to this club before.
"No," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, the waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual & brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable & says, "How did she know you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to the table, sits in Bob's lap, throws her arms around him & says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse & storms out of the club. Bob follows & sees her getting into a cab. Before she slams the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife doesn't believe him. She is screaming at him, calling him every four-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around & says, "Gee Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
 
Three psychiatrists are talking about their jobs.
One says: "People are always coming to us with their problems, but we have no one to go to with our own problems. Since we are all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"
The first psychiatrist says: "I'm a compulsive shopper & I'm deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."
The second psychiatrist says: "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently write false prescriptions for my patients so I can get the drugs."
The third psychiatrist says: "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
 
A teenager walks into a pharmacy & tells the pharmacist: "I need a dozen condoms. My girlfriend's parents are leaving town tonight, & we're gonna bang our brains out."
Later, when the guy arrives at his girlfriend's house dressed in a suit & tie, her mother asks: "Where are you two going tonight?"
The guy answers politely: "We're going to the opera, ma'am."
His girlfriend whispers to her boyfriend: "You never told me you liked opera."
The boyfriend says: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist."
 

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