The jokes only thread....

A Mayor of a small town is at the Open meeting of the City Hall.
He gavels the Bench and says, "Someone in this Community has spread the rumor,
that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and
one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and
do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and
ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Community."
No one moved. The Mayor continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel good. Now stand and admit what you spread is a lie."
Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous hot blonde
rises from the third row of chairs. Her head bowed and her voice quivered
as she spoke, "Mayor there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The Mayor hits his head on the Bench, his wife faints, and the City Hall roars.
 

My friend sends me 3 short jokes every day. Here are the ones he sent today

I took ****** the other day. It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck.




It starts with the letter “P” and ends in “O.R.N”. I play a major role in the film. industry what am I?

Popcorn.


“I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife.
She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your ***** is bigger than your brother’s.”
 
Deep within a forest a little turtle names Archie climbs a tree.
After hours of effort Lil Archie reached the top, jumped into the air.
Lil Archie waves his front legs frantically and crashes to the ground.
So, after some time recovering, Lil Archie slowly climbs the tree and
jumps, waves his front legs frantically and falls to the ground.
Well Lil Archie tries again and again while a couple of birds perched
on a branch watch his efforts. Finally, the female bird turns to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell Lil Archie he's adopted.”
 

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.
Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.
They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he dies.

Bill says 'Someone needs to tell Steve's wife'.
Joey says 'I'll do it, I'm very sensitive'.

Joey goes off, then a few hours later comes back with a case of beer.

Bill asks 'Where did you get the beer?'
Joey says 'Steve's wife gave it to me'.
Bill says 'You told her Steve was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Not exactly. When she answered the door I said "You must be Steve's widow', she said 'I'm not a widow" and I said "I bet you a case of beer you are".
 
One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

When he is a third of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Half of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he is two thirds of the way through the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." Three quarters of the people in the church raise their hands, so the priest continues the sermon.

When he has completely finished the sermon, he says, "Raise your hand if you are now willing to forgive your enemies." All the people in the church raise their hands, except one little old lady.

The priest goes to the old lady and asks, "Why are you still unwilling to forgive your enemies?"
"Simple," the old lady replies. "I have no enemies."
"How old are you?"
"96."
"And you have no enemies?"
"None at all."

The priest is amazed. "Come up to the front with me!"

So the priest and the old lady go up to the front of the church. The priest says, "Please explain to my entire congregation how it is possible that you have no enemies!"

"Simple," says the old lady. "I outlived them all."
 
Hahahahahahahhhahahahaahhahahahahhaha

Lil Johnny goes into the timber carrying his Chain Saw.
After pushing his way for some time thru the brush
he comes to the Enchanted gate. The Bouncer says,
"this entrance gets you into the enchanted forest for $10"
So, Lil Johnny gets into an enchanted forest and starts cutting down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"
Lil Johnny says, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
 
A Blonde goes up to the Soda Machine,
puts in change and the soda comes down.
She gets a happy smile on her Blonde Face and
puts more change into the Pop Machine.
The more Change the more soda drops from it.
After a while a Bruinette walks up to her and
asks if She can please get a soda.
The blonde looked at her and says:
"Get out of my face, I'm winning!"
 
Lil Johnny is walking along the beach and sees a bottle. He looks around and not seeing anyone, Well; he
rubs on it to clean it off. A genie appeared and thanks Lil Johnny for letting him out. The genie then says after brushing off all the grit, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." So, Lil Johnny things a bit and says, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." Well; The genie thinks for a bit and answers, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask!" Lil Johnny thinks again
tells the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" So this is a great mind bending thought & The genie considers it carefully and says, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Quote Multi Quote Like
 
A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde Hottie, dressed to kill, gets up, and moves to the first-class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. He then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde hottie replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde Hottie sitting in first class, that she belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde, dressed in the tight mini replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, she says, "oh, I'm so sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto."
 
It's coffee today in my Grandpa Disney/Micky mug. Looking out my office windows I again notice Wilson still lying in the Neighbors back yard. Looking at it now with Field Glasses and notice no face up. It's been thru a lot this winter. Is it fair to leave Wilson lying there face down? It may be the decision of the day. Does Wilson deserve a different fate? Super Bowl Sunday tomorrow. Yea!
 
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on the shoulder to ask something

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped a few centimeters from a shop

The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"

The passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"

The driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your

It's my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 yrs
 
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride is a beautiful and diminutive woman.

The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants, and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.

She gave him a bewildered expression but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.

"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."

She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.

The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.

She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
 
What do wives and hurricanes have in common?
On arrival, they’re wet and wild. When they leave,
they take the house and car with them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
-----------------------------------------------


Why didn’t the man speak to his wife for years on end?
She told him never to interrupt.
 
Former Marine Lil Johnny is being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responds Lil Johnny.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Iraq & Afghanistan for 22 years
but now have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
Gunny SGT. Lil Johnny answers, "I had a grenade go off
between my legs and I lost both testicles, Sir !"
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any
preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around
scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
 
Raymone, (Short for)_ Ricky Wallace walks into a supermarket and notices a Really Hottie Blonde.
She stares for quite some time, so Ricky asks “Have we ever met?”
The Hottie says, “I think your the father of one of my kids”.
Well, Ricky thinks a bit and realizes this kid she is talking about
must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
So Ramone, (short for)_ Ricky Wallace asks, “are you the stripper at my best friends bachelor party?
It was about 5 years ago?” “ I had sex with her on the pool table while
your friend spanked my Ass with rolled up news papers repeating Walleye, Walleye!”
This Drop dead Hottie answers, "I'm your kids school teacher!"
 
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The Daytona has been on for hours, no race just lip service.
I'm about ready to shut the TV off and play Soccer with the grandson.
It's like the Rose Bowl parade, NFL super Sunday, it's getting boring!
The Rose Bowl Parade had different Floats to check out occasionally.
If Jets fly over it, I'm switching sports. Oh God 6 of them. Thas
Just cost me $600,000! It's getting hilariously funny again.
Hope for lots of wrecks and crash debris.
Wonder what the F150 adds will be like?
Maybe driving out of a C5A?
Its Race time. See ya next year!
 
I guess they drag it on so they can sell more ads.

Reminds me though ... I was teaching in another country. I saw a sign for a college soccer game, and I arrived at the advertised time. Someone was calling people from the audience down to the field. Because of the language barrier, I wasn't sure what was going on. It seemed to be if you were wearing a certain color or met some other criteria. The 10 or 15 people just stood there, giggling, talking, or fidgeting. Anyway, it wasn't a soccer game, so I left.
 

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