The jokes only thread....

Three women are getting dressed in the locker room at their country club. They hear one of the stall doors bang and a naked man with a towel draped over his head runs past them.

One woman says, "That is certainly not my husband!"'

Another one says, "It certainly isn't."

The third says, "He isn't even a member."
 

A traveling salesman is driving around rural Georgia when he sees a sign on a post at the end of a driveway: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He pulls into the driveway and parks in front of a house with a large front porch. He spots a black Labrador lying on the porch looking at him. He steps up on the porch.

"You talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yep" the dog replies.

Momentarily stunned, the man finally asks, "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was a pup. I figured maybe I could get some sort of government job, maybe be a spy. So my owner got in touch with the CIA. I was flying all over the world going to secret meetings with world leaders, military types, spies. Nobody suspected a thing. I was one of their most valuable agents for six years. But I was getting tired of all that traveling and I wasn't getting any younger. I decided to settle down. I took a job at the local airport doing security work. I helped catch smugglers and hijackers and terrorists before they could do any harm. Eventually I left that job, got married, had a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The salesman is amazed. He knocks on the door and the owner comes out.

"How much you want for your dog?" he asks.

"Ten dollars" the man says.

"Ten dollars? That's all? This dog is amazing!"

"That dog is a damn liar! He ain't never been off this front porch."
 
Man's wife is going into labor

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”

The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep
 
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
:grrr:


Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
 
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.



The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.



The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.



He sees a nearby alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”



The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “Just around the corner.”



The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.



It’s labeled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”



The bouncer replies, “The boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”



So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.



“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” the astronaut says.



“I do,” the bartender gurgles back.



“Why is it called the Keyboard?” the man asks.



“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...”



The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.



“...The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because it’s a space bar.
 
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: "Yes, dear."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I haven't fit in my pants since March.
 
Two Daughters are brought before the Wise King by their Mothers and Fathers.
The Daughters Mothers drag between them a young man in a 3 piece Suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," says one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," says the other.
And so the Mothers and Fathers argue before the King until he calls for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," says the Wise King, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half."
"Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," says the first Mother & Father nodding.
But the other Mother says, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood."
" Let the other woman's daughter marry him," while the father just shakes his head.
The wise king does not hesitate a moment.
"The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaims.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaims the king's advisor.
"Indeed," says the Wise King. "That shows she is the "TRUE" mother-in-law."
 
The LEO pulls over Lil Johnny after observation of speeding and
Recklessly weaving in and out of high traffic lanes.
The LEO goes up to Lil Johnnys window and says,
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
Well, Lil Johnny says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic."
" If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Oh, Okay, I can understand my brother is also an Asthmatic."
"I'll need you to come down to the station & give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, you will need to give a urine sample up at the Hospital."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic."
"If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar and have seizures."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
 
In California Unleaded gas went to $6.79 a gallon last Thursday. Sister Mary Ann, who is a home health Visiting Nurse, is out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she runs out of gas. Fortunately, a Gas Mart station is a block away. She walks to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant tells her that the only gas can he owns has been loaned out, but she can wait until it's returned. Since Sister Mary Ann is on the way to see a patient, she decides not to wait, and walks back to her car. She looks for something in her car that she can fill with gas, and spots the bedpan she has for patients. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carries the bedpan to the station, fills it with gas and carries it back to her car. As she pours the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watch from across the street. One of them says, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
 

coffee songs
“Thank you for bean a friend!”​

Of course, The Golden Girls theme song is a celebration of friendship, just like the show itself. Coffee is also your BFF. (Brewed Full-bodied Forever!) Check out these un-beetable vegetable puns for more laughs.

“Wake me up before you cocoa!”​

Wham’s totally addictive ’80s pop hit perfectly captures our need for a hot beverage in the morning!

“My coffee amour, milky little cup that I adore.”​

Stevie Wonder’s beautiful soul song gets it exactly right when it comes to your love affair with coffee. Why do we love it so much
 
The man in a Silverado tries to pull an ATM cash machine off its pad & away
by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their Silverado.
Instead of pulling the ATM off its pad he ripped the bumper off the truck.
While startled by what's happened, he leaves the scene and drives home.
The Chain is attached to the ATM on its pad, the bumper attached to the Chain and
a license plate attached to the bumper.
 
Period


  • The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
    When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
    She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually, his turn came.
    Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
    "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
    "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself !"
 
A Bear keeps getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
The Zoo studies the facts and realize the Bear is really strong.
The Zoo knows that he can climb, crawl and get over/under stuff.
The zoo officials put up a 1o foot enclosure, cement in a deep
dry enclosure with sharp rods and electric 12-foot-high fence.
He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo.
So, the Zoo adds a 16-foot fence & again, he's out the next day.
So, the Zoo raises the fence again, and again the Bear and
the rest of the Animals are also out free, the gates open.
 
My wife gives birth four times and
still fits in her Jr. prom dress.
I gave birth 0 times and don't
know why I got married!
 
Lil Johnny & Stever are playing by a stream. Steve goes over
to a bush to check out some noises. He points out a woman bathing naked in the steam.
So, Steve and Lil Johnny watch her bathe that afternoon. All of a sudden Steve runs off.
Lil Johnny not understanding why, splits after Steve. Well Lil Johnny catches up to Steve
and yells, "Why Steve are you running?" " Steve yells back, "My Mom told me if I
ever watch a naked lady, I’d turn to stone & somethings getting hard."
 
There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Lil Johnny and an unconscious young woman. Lil Johnny finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll. The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the meantime, Lil Johnny cares for her, keeps her sheltered, Hydrated, fed and clean. When the young woman finally comes to, Lil Johnny is shocked when he realizes that she is actually Jennifer Lawrence. It takes Jennifer another week or so to fully recover but, once she does, they share their survival responsibilities equally. Lil Johnny is the better cook, Jennifer the better diver. After a month or so, Jennifer begins to realize what a find Lil Johnny is. He’s intelligent, unassuming, fit, not unattractive, caring and he has made zero attempt to jump her. Romance blooms. Lil Johnny turns out to be an imaginative and enthusiastic lover. Bliss reigns. One night, sometime later, while sitting around the campfire, Jennifer notices that Lil Johnny is a bit glum. “Are you OK?” she asks. “Yeah, I’m fine.”, Lil Johnny answers. “No, you’re not, Lil Johnny I know something’s wrong. What’s wrong, Lil Johnny?”
“No, I’m OK. Really.”, Lil Johnny says. “Lil Johnny, if there’s something missing, something you need, I want to help.” “I’m sorry, Jen, but you’d think I was really weird.” “Weird!”, Jennifer exclaims. “I work in Hollywood. Lil Johnny, you have no idea. Please, let me help.” “Are you sure?”, Lil Johnny whispers quietly. “I’m sure.”, Jennifer says. “What do you want me to do?”
“Well,”, says Lil Johnny. “Can you put on my cap and tuck your hair up in it?” “Thanks. Now can you take this piece of charcoal and use it to draw yourself a mustache?” “Thanks. Now, do you mind if I call you Steve?” “Lil Johnny?”, asks Jennifer. “OK, you can call me Steve.”
A long pause in the firelight …. “Steve,” says Lil Johnny, “You are NOT going to believe who I’ve been sleeping with.”
 

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