The jokes only thread....

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye:
They need to be watered. I place the Coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flower vase, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: The car isn’t washed. The bills aren’t paid. There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the work surface. The flowers don’t have enough water. There is still only one check in my checkbook. I can’t find the TV remote. I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today. I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my email.

P.S. I just remembered I left the water running…
 

Tommy Cooper Joke

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
 
After the baby was born, the angry father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," says Yuko, "I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair,
one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," Yuko insists. "We're pure Asian."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
Yuko is shamed but says, "I've been working very hard for the past year.
We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."
 
The Blonde walked into her boss's office and says,
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complains.
"Tell me about some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," says his blonde employee.
"You're not sterile."
 
A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common "?


"It's not unusual."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++



"Doctor doctor; I only got sixty seconds to live ..."

"Can you wait there for a minute please!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


What do hurricanes and women have in common?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
 
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that

You can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
.....
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest

I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
 
What’s the best way to love thy neighbor?
When her husband’s away on business.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dude: My wife left me for my best friend.
Dude’s buddy: I thought I was your best friend.

Dude: Now he is, obviously.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream. Marriage is more of a nightmare.
 
They say that the new supercomputer knows everything.
A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see?
I knew this was nonsense.
My father has been dead for twenty years." "No", replied the supercomputer immediately.
"Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years.
Your father just landed a three-pound trout."
 
The Blonde calls the Lunatic Asylum in the nearby town asks,
"Has a Lunatic been reported to have escaped lately?"
"No, why?" says the Office Personnel Director in charge.
The Blonde answers, "Someone's run off with my husband."
 
Lil Johnny is dating a red-head, no red-hair, just a red-head.
It was her birthday so, Lil Johnny thinks it's cool to light farts
and it catches her beautiful hair on fire. Well, he calls
the Fire Department but they say they can't get there to them,
Lil Johnny didn't join the local fire department agreement.
Lil Johnny and his Red Head Girlfriend will have to meet them halfway.
Well Lil Johnny is lucky and passes a couple of red-light
Farts while on their Harly ridding over there.
They might have lost everything!
 
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth and I know frogs are good bass bait.

Also knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth.
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in his mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little while later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth. 🐸 🐸
 
If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Donald Trump has a small one. And Seal doesn’t have one

A last name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name a word that starts with “f” and ends with “u-c-k”?



Firetruck!
 
Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.
Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt."
He ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship.
In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was Boarded and Captured.
The sailors asked Captain why he had wanted to wear his red shirt at the battle.
"If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane.
You would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."
The crew swore allegiance to their captain, and they talked about his bravery.
Soon there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships.
Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Number One fetch me the brown pants!"
 
Three nuns die and go to heaven.

They are greeted by St Peter, who informs them that everyone entering heaven must pass an intelligence test, but since they were nuns and had devoted their lives to Jesus, the questions would be really easy.

St Peter turned to the first nun and said, “Name three of Jesus’ disciples.”

“Oh that’s easy,” the first nun replied, “Matthew, John, and James.”

The bells rang and the lights flashed and the pearly gates opened and the first nun entered.

St Peter turned to the second nun and asked, “Who was Moses?”

The nun confidently replies, “Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt into the promised land.”

The bells rang and the lights flashed and the pearly gates opened a second time and the second nun entered.

Finally, St Peter addresses the third nun. “What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?”

The third nun paused for a moment and muttered, “Gosh, that’s a hard one.”

And the bells rang and the lights flashed and the pearly gates opened.
 
A man was sitting on a plane, trying to complete his crossword puzzle but something wasn’t adding up.
“Four-letter words describe a female, ending in UNT,” he said.

The man beside him heard the comment. “Try ‘aunt’,” he said.

“Oh,” said the other man. “That makes more sense. Do you have an eraser?”
 

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