The jokes only thread....

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with 'The Kick.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is 'The Kick?'"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occured on my land, I get to go first. I kick you and then you kick me and so on until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about it & decided that he could easily take the old codger, so he agreed. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. He was wearing heavy, steel-toed workboots. He kicked the attorney in the groin, dropping him to his knees, causing him to vomit, and fall face first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
 

A wife says to her husband, "Are you hungry for breakfast?"

"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."

A few hours later, she asks, "Do you want to have lunch now?"

"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."

Five hours later, she asks, "Well, how about dinner?"

"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."

She says, "Get the hell off me....I'm starving."
 
Last edited:
win231 said:
A wife says to herhusband, "Are you hungry for breakfast?"

"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."

A few hours later, she asks, "Do you want to have lunch now?"

"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."

Five hours later, she asks, "Well, how about dinner?"

"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."

She says, "Get the hell off me....I'm starving."
Click to expand...

:lol1:
 

So.....a guy walks up to the pharmacy counter & asks, "Do you have ******?"

"Yes," says the pharmacist.

"Does it work?" asks the guy.

"Yes," says the pharmacist.

"Can I get it over the counter?" asks the guy.

The pharmacist says, "Well, maybe....if you take two."
 
Joe pilled up a stool in his favorite bar and announced,
“My wife, Lorry, must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” The bartender asked.
“Last week, Joe explained, “I had to take a couple of day's off from work.
Lorry was so happy to have me around that every time the milkman
and the mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway,
waving her arms and hollering, “My old man’s home! My old man’s home!”
 
A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend fishing trip. She gladly obliged with clothes, toiletries, all the fishing gear he asked for - rods, reels, tackle box.

At the last moment, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas, would you?"

This made her somewhat suspicious but she did as he asked.

When he returned, looking very refreshed, she asked if he caught a lot of fish.

"Oh, yes," he said. "Three walleyes, four or five bass, it was great......but, you know.....you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."

"No I didn't," she said. "They're in your tackle box."
 
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three men applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese & a Jewish samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai steps forward, opens a tiny box releasing a fly, draws his samurai sword, & Swoosh....the fly falls to the floor, neatly divided into two pieces.

"Wow, what an impressive feat of skill," says the Emperor. "OK, Number two, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai opens a tiny box, releasing a fly, draws his samurai sword,& Swoosh, Swoosh...... the fly falls to the floor neatly divided into four pieces.

"That's what I call tremendous skill," says the Emperor. "Number three, how in the world are you going to top that?"

The Jewish samurai opens a tiny box, releasing a fly, draws his samurai sword, & Swoosh.....BUT the fly is still buzzing around.

In disappointment, the Emperor says, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmed," replies the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. I circumcised him."
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, who is deaf, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing $10 million, he brings his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him.”

Guido is scared and signs back, "OK. The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer says, "He said you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
 
Blonde Buckaroo

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled
in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves
as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is
battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness




when to her great fortune.. .the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse..
 
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through
his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell
three times. After no one answered for a few minutes,
he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying
on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban
sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?"
The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from
that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get
two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized
what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever.
" The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money,
but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife
who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life.
" The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up
in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman.
I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!"
The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?"
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should.
Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun,
I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for
the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie
asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five."

The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"


 
The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here? " Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,.... "My lawyer. "
 
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother
and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with
profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied,
"My wife's first husband."
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

At his next appointment, the doctor said, "So, Morris, you're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful," Morris replied.

To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, "You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
 
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport , President Trump
strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where
they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white
horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth
shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is so atrocious
that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their
noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but, the two Heads of State do their best
to ignore the incident. The Queen politely turns to President Trump and
says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets...I am sure you
understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, always trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty,
do not give the matter another thought...Until you mentioned it, I thought
it was one of the horses.”
 
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. ~~~First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a frigging match? "
 
A jealous wife suspected her husband of being unfaithful ,
so when they were both invited to a fancy- dress party she feigned
a headache and told him to go on his own .So he went in his spacesuit
costume and an hour later she followed on in her own masked outfit .
When she got there she spied her husband chatting up every female
at the party,so after a while she propositioned him herself to see
what the response would be.Lo and behold ,he had her outside quicker
than you could say Jack Robinson and screwed her against the tree.
Not long after she left and the next morning at breakfast was
ready to confront him with his supposed unfaithfulness.
” How was the party?”.she asked .” Not really my scene “, he replied
“ I Went Up To The Den To Play Poker With The Boy’s
And Lent My Costume To “ FREDDIE PARKER”.
 
My sister Tina was telling her husband Ken,
about a wonderful program she had watched on TV.
The show gave a national award to heroic people who
put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they
hardly knew. Ken replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”

__________________________________________________________


I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous.
“This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,”
the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until …
“Heck,” he continued, “you have a better
chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

 
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.

She moved to another seat.

The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.

Now the man started chuckling. She moved to another seat. Then the man burst out laughing.

After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.

When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, "The Doublemint Twins are Coming," so I smiled.

Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, "Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling," & I had to smile.

Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick," & I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,"........I just lost it."
 
The Arkansas D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.


The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.


The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.


The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.


They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
 

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint
the seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before
she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she
tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy
paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the
hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
 

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