The jokes only thread....

A 6-year-old asked her mother, "How did I get here?"

"God sent you," she replied.

"Did God send you too?" asked the child.

"Yes, dear" replied the mother.

"What about Grandma & Grandpa?" asked the child.

"He sent them also," replied the mother.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, he did," the mother replied patiently.

"No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here," said the child. "No sex in this family for 200 years!"
 


Dear Tide
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my sixties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new pretty white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow
I ended up with the old geezer's blood on my new pretty white blouse! I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that
the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and my attorney called and said that I was no
longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! I thank you,
once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to take my meds and write to the Hefty bag people.
 


Experimental pills
A middle age woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that
her husband
is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it.
The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells
the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell
her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that
the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn’t
know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes
in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would
happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead
and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist
that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband
the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and
she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the
therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband’s morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: "Are you the idiot who
gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my butt hurts, and dads sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
 
A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home."

Sergeant: "What is her height?"

Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."

Sergeant: "Weight?"

Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."

Sergeant: "Color of eyes?"

Husband: "Never noticed."

Sergeant: "Color of hair?"

Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown."

Sergeant: "What was she wearing?"

Husband: "Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly."

Sergeant: "What kind of car did she leave in?"

Husband: "She left in my truck."

Sergeant: "What kind of truck was it?"

Husband: "Brand new Ford F-150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Custom leather seats and Heavy Duty floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Custom alloy wheels and off-road Michelin tires. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door."

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: "Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck."
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping.

A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband says, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
 
"A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. She took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sex Education Convention in Chicago."

'Wow,' he thought. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really!" he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto Goldstein,” he replied. “But my friends call me Bubba."
 
The Best Divorce Letter ever!

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years &
I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have ...
been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today
which was the last straw. Last week, you came home &
you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked
your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching
TV. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you
don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Wife.
P.S. - Don't try to find me. Your brother & I are moving to
New Zealand together! Have a great life!

REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's
true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good
woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV so much because it drowns out your constant
whining & bitching. I DID notice when you got your hair done last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy.'
Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say
something nice, I didn't comment.....and when you cooked my
favorite meal, you must have confused me with my brother
because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $300.00 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300.00 from me that morning.
After all this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
 
Field Trip Woes: A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would
with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys
up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one,
she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
​
 
This is what marriage is really all about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.". As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.


The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything".


As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you're waiting for?".


She answered . . .


(This is great)


"THE TEETH"
 
The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief. One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children. "Well, my son," the chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see. "For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising. "And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over. "So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping? "
 
On the first day, he sadly packed his
belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and
collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last
time at their beautiful dining-room table, by
candle-light. He put on some soft background
music, and cooked a pound of shrimp to go with
a jar of caviar, and a bottle of champagne. He
left another pound of shrimp he bought uncooked.

When he'd finished his meal, he went into
every room and deposited a handful of raw
shrimp into the hollow centre of all the
curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, his ex-wife came back with
her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and
airing-out the place. Vents were checked for
dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters, during which time the two had to
move out for a few days, and in the end they
even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped
coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The
maid refused to make her weekly cleaning visits.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any
longer, and decided they had to move, but a
month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a
buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local
realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a
purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of
money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked
how things were going. She told him the saga
of the rotting house. He listened politely and
said that he missed his old home terribly and
would be willing to reduce his divorce
settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the
smell really was, she agreed on a price that
was only 1/10th of what the house had been
worth ... But only if he would sign the papers
that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers
delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood
smiling as they watched the moving company
pack everything to take to their new home.

And just to spite the ex-husband, they even
took the curtain rods!










​
 
[h=1]Redneck Love Poem[/h]
Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still...

You cain’t marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother.”

But Mama knew and said, “My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain’t no kin to Pappy!”
 
~ Marriage Counseling ~

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife started listing every problem they had ever had in
the years they had been married. On and on and on . . . . neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around
the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately
as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said,
"This is what your wife needs, at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
The Husband said
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
 
Prison or Work
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the door yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK........They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get firedif you get caught.​


 
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the
day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins.
The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered,
and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely
for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks,
but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
 
Questions asked by an attorney in court !

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?​

​
Q: Did he kill you?​
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?​
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?​
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?​
 
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