The jokes only thread....


I go to a Gas Station in a town along the Mississippi River. The doors are locked, no Restroom available. Gas is $0.20 cheaper a gallon.
There usually is an 18-wheeler unloading gas into the tanks in the ground. Its self service with the Pumps on. Is it a dream popsicle.
The sign says, "we sell Tires!"
 
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Today we sealed the Doomer Time Capsule after checking it for punctuation. (It was fine.) This is the text.
Hiya aliens. Sorry we can’t greet you in person but we’re all dead. And the place is a shithole. We burned the books and pictures to barbecue the last of the prisoners and babies. Good luck.
 

They keep saying, " you want to pay for it?" I say, "it won't read the chip or scan the card strip."
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They reset everything and say, "Now."
I say, "does this mean I don't have to pay for it?"
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They say, "It reminds me of the guy sitting at the longest red light, shortest turn light, in the Territory!"
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I say, "thank you for your co-operation!"
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The guy honks at me as I turn my Full Sized XLT into the Metro-Mart. He is still sitting at that Red Light.
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I goes home, it's 5:30 pm. Its pop the cap on a Big Red, I'm swilling with a big smile now. That guy is still sitting at that red light.
There is a UPS store on that corner, AT&T and Sam's. I don't give em my business!
 
“Growing old is like being fined for something you didn’t even do.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.”

“Remember when the candles cost more than the cake? Ah, those were the days!”

“At my age, ‘getting lucky’ means finding my car in the parking lot.”

“You’re not old until the candles cost more than the cake… and your insurance premiums double.”
 
Furryanimal said:
COINCIDENCE

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
Click to expand...

This is GREAT: My brothers in law are TWINS! I just drove 1800 miles to take them EACH a case of Kilt Lifter for the holidays! LOL
 
IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED...
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2024 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $11,500 each.
It comes with a ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, and a $400.00 bar tab.
Also a backstage pass to the winner's locker room.

He didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...

It's at St Paul's Church, in Orlando at 3 pm.
Her name is Ashley.
She's 5'4", about 115 lbs, and a good cook too.
She loves to fish and hunt.
She'll be the one in the white dress.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
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