An elderly driver is cruising down the freeway when he gets a call from his wife. She says, "Be careful, honey. I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77."
"Hell," he says. "It's not just one car....there's a whole bunch of them."
A doctor & a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked for advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then asked the lawyer, "How do you handle the situation when you're asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for the advice," replied the lawyer.
The next morning, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill for $50.00.
That afternoon, he received a bill for $100.00 from the lawyer.
A lawyer charged his client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp, new $100.00 bills.
After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together, so he was overpaid $100.00.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
A housekeeper worked for a married couple. She asked the wife for a raise.
"Well, why do you think you deserve a raise?" asked the wife.
Housekeeper: "There are three reasons why I deserve a raise. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband said so."
Housekeeper: "The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense. Who said you were a better cook than me?"
Housekeeper: "Your husband did."
Housekeeper: "The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you."
Now, the wife is really furious & asks, "Did my husband say that, too?"
Housekeeper: "No. The gardener did."
She got the raise.
A 60 year old man asks his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 100"?
"Do you drink or smoke"?
"Lay in the sun all day or carouse in clubs all night"
"Engage in wild sex"?
"Stand by the railroad tracks all day, or play with model trains"?
"Then why do you give a crap"!
An accountant dies & goes to heaven. When he reaches the pearly gates, he's amazed to see a happy crowd waving banners & chanting his name.
He says to St. Peter, "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome."
"Well," says St. Peter, "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are, living to the age of 123 & still looking so young."
The man looks even more confused & replies, "What do you mean - 123 years old? I'm only 40."
"Impossible," says St. Peter. "We've seen your time sheets."
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours & wakes up with a terrible sunburn.
He is admitted to the hospital with second-degree burns. The doctor orders IV fluids, a sedative & a Viagra pill every 4 hours.
The nurse asks, "Doctor, what good will Viagra do for him?"
"It will keep the sheets off his legs.
A manager of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning against a wall.
He asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk explained, "Well, he came in this morning to get something for his cough. We're out of cough syrup so I gave him a bottle of laxative & suggested he drink the whole thing."
"You idiot!" yells the manager. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Of course you can," says the clerk. "Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..."
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself.
You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you
insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE TO THIS GROUP WHICH I LOVE SO MUCH! MY HUSBAND SAYS I AM IN THIS GROUP EVERY 20 SECONDS AND HE
CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND HE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN HIM OR THE GROUP. SO I'M GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A
COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HIS BAGS AND CALL HIM AN UBER!
A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her:
He said. “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once
in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain
of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby.
While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” The midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great.” The husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off.”