The jokes only thread....
- Thread starter Pappy
- Start date
Husband to wife: “Honey, I had a wonderful dream last night.”
Wife: “Was it about me?”
Husband: “Yes. I dreamed that I tied you up.”
Wife: “Ooooh, how kinky, was I in bed?”
Husband: “Yes!”
Wife: “What were you doing?”
Husband: “Cindy Crawford.”
Wife coming home: “Honey, did you miss me?”
Husband: “Yes, with the bullets I’ve tried so far.”
Wife: “Maybe you need a bigger gun.”
Wife: “Was it about me?”
Husband: “Yes. I dreamed that I tied you up.”
Wife: “Ooooh, how kinky, was I in bed?”
Husband: “Yes!”
Wife: “What were you doing?”
Husband: “Cindy Crawford.”
Wife coming home: “Honey, did you miss me?”
Husband: “Yes, with the bullets I’ve tried so far.”
Wife: “Maybe you need a bigger gun.”
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Terrible Insult
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the
druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the
phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown
to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my
side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so
I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the
house with both house and car keys inside. I had to
break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store,
I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there
was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing
off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change,
and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my
hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone
was still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head
on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger
back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it...half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up,
and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -
she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
Marie5656
Well-known Member
- Location
- Batavia, NY
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents '
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND Forget it.
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents '
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND Forget it.
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
A beautiful blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet..
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs:
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter. "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her. "Just follow the instructions!"
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, . . .Nothing
happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says.
'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says. "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says. "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:
"LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs:
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter. "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her. "Just follow the instructions!"
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, . . .Nothing
happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says.
'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says. "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says. "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:
"LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"
Two hours into my first day of work as a Walmart greeter, a mean, nasty woman walks in with her two kids. She is constantly yelling & swearing at them.
I said, "Good morning, ma'am. Welcome to Walmart. Nice kids. Are they twins?"
The mother answered, "Hell no...they ain't twins. They're nine & seven. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"
"No," I answered. "I'm not blind or stupid. I just didn't think someone would sleep with you twice."
I said, "Good morning, ma'am. Welcome to Walmart. Nice kids. Are they twins?"
The mother answered, "Hell no...they ain't twins. They're nine & seven. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"
"No," I answered. "I'm not blind or stupid. I just didn't think someone would sleep with you twice."
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
The Execution Joke
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned
to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right
to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman
what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested.
So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn.
Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it,
and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew’s turn. “I want a big bowl of strawberries, ”
said the Jew. “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!” “So, I’ll wait…”
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned
to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right
to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman
what he wanted. “Give me some good French wine and French bread,” he requested.
So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian’s turn.
Give me a big plate of pasta,” said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it,
and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew’s turn. “I want a big bowl of strawberries, ”
said the Jew. “Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!” “So, I’ll wait…”
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick,
someone screamed out, “wow, how did you do that.” I would tell you”,
answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.”
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out “can you tell my mother in law?”
someone screamed out, “wow, how did you do that.” I would tell you”,
answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.”
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out “can you tell my mother in law?”
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
A Kentucky State trooper pulled a car over on I-75 about 8 miles south of Richmond, Kentucky. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Lexington to do a show for the Childrens Hospital. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from London got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from London got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to his car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
Aunt Bea
SF VIP
- Location
- Near Mount Pilot
This made me smile.
This kid wanted to train his dog and his dad told him that there were lots of good dog training videos on YouTube.
This kid wanted to train his dog and his dad told him that there were lots of good dog training videos on YouTube.
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they
are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says,
"Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm
granting you six months to go back to Earth and be
anyone you want."The first nun says, "I want-a to be
Sophia Loren" and <poof!> she's gone.The second says,
"I want-a to be Madonna" and <poof!> she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but
that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and
hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts
laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No, Sister,
this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!
are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says,
"Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm
granting you six months to go back to Earth and be
anyone you want."The first nun says, "I want-a to be
Sophia Loren" and <poof!> she's gone.The second says,
"I want-a to be Madonna" and <poof!> she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but
that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and
hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts
laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No, Sister,
this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed,
and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”,
said her good friend Mary, “maybe you should go see a psychic?
One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made
her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in
a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a
calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,”
was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?”
Suzie hesistanly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth
like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.
“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar.
Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar.
I guess they don’t have cigars up there.
Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?”
Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic.
“I can’t seem to get that question across to him.
But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause,
“he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”,
said her good friend Mary, “maybe you should go see a psychic?
One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made
her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in
a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a
calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,”
was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?”
Suzie hesistanly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth
like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.
“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar.
Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar.
I guess they don’t have cigars up there.
Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?”
Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic.
“I can’t seem to get that question across to him.
But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause,
“he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the
fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Eddy was a soon to be
billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with.
Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy,
but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?”
“Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.”
And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.
fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Eddy was a soon to be
billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with.
Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy,
but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?”
“Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.”
And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.
mike4lorie
SF VIP
- Location
- Brockville, Ontario, Canada
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking quite a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over
and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking quite a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over
and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
mike4lorie
SF VIP
- Location
- Brockville, Ontario, Canada
A blonde orders a beer.....
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and
splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each
time the blonde calls for another
beer
this happens.
So after the third beer, a guy decides to
help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her
boobs, the man jumps up and
starts to lick her breasts.
She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez,
lady... Why do you let the
bartender do it and not me?'
“Helloooo!",
says the blonde”...
“He has a
licker license!”
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and
splashes all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each
time the blonde calls for another
beer
this happens.
So after the third beer, a guy decides to
help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her
boobs, the man jumps up and
starts to lick her breasts.
She decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez,
lady... Why do you let the
bartender do it and not me?'
“Helloooo!",
says the blonde”...
“He has a
licker license!”
mike4lorie
SF VIP
- Location
- Brockville, Ontario, Canada
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'
One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'
'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest
until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'
One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'
'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. He figured he had an easy arrest
until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter --$50
mike4lorie
SF VIP
- Location
- Brockville, Ontario, Canada
Newfi Jokes...
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two newfies were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, "Which do ya tink is furder away. . . Florida, or the moon?"
The other turns and says "jezz, bye, dat's easy. Can you see Florida?????"
CAR
TROUBLE
A newfie pushes his BMW into a gas station. He tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The newfie asks, "What's da story?"
The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
The newfie asks, "'ow often do I got to do dat?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a newfie for speeding and asks him if he could see his license.
He replies in a huff, "Lard t'underin' Jaysus, bye, I wish you guys'd git your acts togedder!
Jiss yesterday you took away me license an' now today you expect me to show it to ya!"
THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A newfie goes into the doctor's office in Ontario and says that his body hurts wherever he touches it.
"Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me."
The newfie took his finger, pushed on his left shoulder and screamed, then he pushed his elbow and screamed even more.
He pushed his knee and screamed and then pushed his ankle and screamed. Everywhere he touched made him scream.
The doctor said, "You're not from Ontario, are you?
"No", he replied, "I'm actually from Newfoundland."
"I thought so", said the doctor. "Your finger is broken."
IN A VACUUM
A newfie was playing Trivial Pursuit one night ... It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.
His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and
then asked, "Is it on, or off?"
and FINALLY,
THE NEWFIE JOKE TO END ALL NEWFIE JOKES . . .
A guy was visiting his newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked him what their names were.
The newfie replied that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
"Dat's easy", answered the newfie. "Dey're watch dogs!"
I'd Like To Add Another Newfie Joke
A policeman in Ontario pulls over a Newfie for speeding, and while he's writing out the ticket a fly was bothering the Cop, so the Newfie says, "Dat's a circle fly, sir."
The policeman asks, "what's a circle fly?"
Newfie replies, "dem are da flies you find in da barn, circlin' around a 'orses ass."
The policeman asks, "are you calling me a horses ass?"
"Oh no, sir . . . I would never say a t'ing like dat . . . but you can't fool dem flies, sir."
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two newfies were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, "Which do ya tink is furder away. . . Florida, or the moon?"
The other turns and says "jezz, bye, dat's easy. Can you see Florida?????"
CAR
TROUBLE
A newfie pushes his BMW into a gas station. He tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The newfie asks, "What's da story?"
The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
The newfie asks, "'ow often do I got to do dat?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a newfie for speeding and asks him if he could see his license.
He replies in a huff, "Lard t'underin' Jaysus, bye, I wish you guys'd git your acts togedder!
Jiss yesterday you took away me license an' now today you expect me to show it to ya!"
THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A newfie goes into the doctor's office in Ontario and says that his body hurts wherever he touches it.
"Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me."
The newfie took his finger, pushed on his left shoulder and screamed, then he pushed his elbow and screamed even more.
He pushed his knee and screamed and then pushed his ankle and screamed. Everywhere he touched made him scream.
The doctor said, "You're not from Ontario, are you?
"No", he replied, "I'm actually from Newfoundland."
"I thought so", said the doctor. "Your finger is broken."
IN A VACUUM
A newfie was playing Trivial Pursuit one night ... It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.
His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and
then asked, "Is it on, or off?"
and FINALLY,
THE NEWFIE JOKE TO END ALL NEWFIE JOKES . . .
A guy was visiting his newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked him what their names were.
The newfie replied that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
"Dat's easy", answered the newfie. "Dey're watch dogs!"
I'd Like To Add Another Newfie Joke
A policeman in Ontario pulls over a Newfie for speeding, and while he's writing out the ticket a fly was bothering the Cop, so the Newfie says, "Dat's a circle fly, sir."
The policeman asks, "what's a circle fly?"
Newfie replies, "dem are da flies you find in da barn, circlin' around a 'orses ass."
The policeman asks, "are you calling me a horses ass?"
"Oh no, sir . . . I would never say a t'ing like dat . . . but you can't fool dem flies, sir."
mike4lorie
SF VIP
- Location
- Brockville, Ontario, Canada
One for the Ladies...
INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance – particularly, in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NHL 5.0 , CFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html " and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance – particularly, in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NHL 5.0 , CFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html " and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
There is no way you can't laugh at this one!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"
Sassycakes
SF VIP
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Once Upon a Time......
There lived a king who had a beautiful daughter, his beautiful princess. But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what; metal, wood,plastic -
anything she touched would melt:
Because of this, men were afraid of her and no one would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king. "If your daughter touches one thing that does not
melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess
touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the
substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it,
it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess.
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt....
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
What was the object in the princes pants
They were M&M's.......
(get your mind out of the gutter) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand..
There lived a king who had a beautiful daughter, his beautiful princess. But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what; metal, wood,plastic -
anything she touched would melt:
Because of this, men were afraid of her and no one would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king. "If your daughter touches one thing that does not
melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess
touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the
substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it,
it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess.
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt....
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
What was the object in the princes pants
They were M&M's.......
(get your mind out of the gutter) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand..
“What starting salary are you looking for?” the head of human resources asked the newly-graduated engineer at the end of a job interview.
The applicant says, “Well, sir, I was thinking about $200,000.00 depending on the benefits package.”
“Okay," the H.R. director says. “How about three months vacation, 75 paid holidays, full medical & dental & a new Porsche for your company car?”
The applicant gasps & says, “Wow! are you kidding?”
“Yeah," he replies, “But you started it.”
The applicant says, “Well, sir, I was thinking about $200,000.00 depending on the benefits package.”
“Okay," the H.R. director says. “How about three months vacation, 75 paid holidays, full medical & dental & a new Porsche for your company car?”
The applicant gasps & says, “Wow! are you kidding?”
“Yeah," he replies, “But you started it.”
Pappy
Living the Dream
- Location
- Florida (transplanted New Yorker.)
There are several cowmen sitting around in the sale barn waiting for the lightweight calves to run through. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the cowboys picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the salebarn?"
H - "Yep."
W - "Great! I am at the mall a couple of miles from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,900.00."
H - "Well, OK, i guess go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2014 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $110,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, the horse barn, the vineyard, and the fifty acre lake."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $2.5 million - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $2.3 million. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."
The cowboy hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the salebarn?"
H - "Yep."
W - "Great! I am at the mall a couple of miles from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,900.00."
H - "Well, OK, i guess go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2014 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $110,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, the horse barn, the vineyard, and the fifty acre lake."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $2.5 million - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $2.3 million. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."
The cowboy hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Three friends from the local congregation were asked: "When you're in your casket & friends & congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Arte said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader & a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher & servant of God who made a difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I would like them to say, look, he's moving."
Arte said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader & a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher & servant of God who made a difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I would like them to say, look, he's moving."
For years, two heroic statues--one male & one female faced each other in a city park.
One day, an angel came down from heaven & said, "You've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you to life for 30 minutes. During that time, you can do anything you want."
With a clap of hands, the angel brought them to life.
The two statues dashed into the bushes & there was a lot of giggling, laughter & shaking of branches. 15 minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with grins on their faces.
"You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel with a wink.
Grinning even more, the female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great! Only this time, YOU hold the pigeon down & I'll poop on its head."
One day, an angel came down from heaven & said, "You've been such exemplary statues, I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you to life for 30 minutes. During that time, you can do anything you want."
With a clap of hands, the angel brought them to life.
The two statues dashed into the bushes & there was a lot of giggling, laughter & shaking of branches. 15 minutes later, they emerged from the bushes with grins on their faces.
"You still have 15 more minutes," said the angel with a wink.
Grinning even more, the female statue turned to the male statue & said, "Great! Only this time, YOU hold the pigeon down & I'll poop on its head."