The jokes only thread....

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found
absolutely nothing physically wrong with him,
and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your
insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

*************************************************************************


A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were
getting ready to go out on dates. The first
beau came to the door and said, '
'I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty.
We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.


The second beau came to the door and said,
''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take
her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."


The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer.
''Hello, my name is Chuck.''


The farmer shot Chuck.
 

The King's daughter>>>


Once upon a time there lived a King.
The King had a beautiful daughter, the Princess..
But there was a problem. Everything the princess
touched would melt. No matter what. Metal. Wood.
Stone. Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that
does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his
daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He, too, was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.


Question: What was in the Prince's pants?



M&M's, of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.


What were you thinking??






I WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!
 
A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”

“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
 
HusbanD <> WifE ??????????
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.
Now, what were you expecting???????
 
A Crime Scene

There's been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman's spouse.
He'd just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He'd never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
''Who could have done this terrible thing?''
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
''Just look at the clues,'' replied Sargent Miller.


''It looks like the work of a cereal killer.'
 
A boss asked his employee: "Do you believe there is life after death?"
"Certainly not," says the employee. "There's no proof of it."
"Well, there is now," says the boss. "After you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."
 
A man asked his wife to pack for him for a weekend fishing trip. She gladly obliged - she packed clothes, rods, reels, tackle box, etc.
At the last minute, he said, "Please pack my new silk pajamas."
This made her a bit suspicious, but she did as he asked.
When he returned, looking very refreshed, she asked him if he caught a lot of fish.
"Oh, yes," he said. "Three Walleyes & four Bass. It was great. But, you forgot to pack my new silk pajamas."
"No, I didn't," she said. "They're in your tackle box."
 
A wife says to her husband, "Are you hungry for breakfast?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
A few hours later, she asks, "Do you want to have lunch now?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
Five hours later, she asks, "Well, how about dinner?"
"No," he replies. "It must be the ******."
She says, "Get the hell off me....I'm starving."
 
A frog is outgrowing his lily pad and decides to make some home improvements. He doesn't have the money, so he hops to the bank to borrow some.



At the bank, he takes a seat at loan officer Patricia Black's desk and explains his dilemma.



"I want to upgrade my lily pad, maybe add another window, but I don't have the cash. Can you lend me the money?"



"Maybe. What can you offer as collateral?"



"Well," says the frog. "All I have is this paperweight. You shake it up, and it snows on the little village. Cute, huh?"



"Hmm . . . I'll have to speak to my manager." She enters her manager's office.



"Mr. Bitterby, I've got a frog at my desk who wants to borrow money for lily pad improvements. But all he can offer for collateral is this glass paperweight."



Mr. Bitterby takes the paperweight, hefts it in his hand, looks at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."
 
A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp

with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and

understand each other better.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and

the other for the daughters-in- law.

Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was

involved in an accident and all the passengers

died on the spot.

The daughters in law (women being women)

shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by

one daughter in law who wailed uncontrollably

for what they perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but

why are you crying so hard,

I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?"

To which she replied, "No we are not close at all,

she missed the bus!"
 
A woman walks into a bar in Texas & sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.
She asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned & said, "Sure is, lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunk house & let me prove it to ya?"
After spending the night with him, she handed him a $100.00 bill.
"Well, thank you Ma'am. I'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered," she replied. "Buy yourself some boots that fit."
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed that the man sitting across from her was staring & smiling at her.
She moved to another seat.
The same man smiled at her even more, so she moved again.
Now the man started chuckling. She moved to another seat. Then the man burst out laughing.
After she moved for the 4th time, she complained to the driver & he called the police & they arrested the man for harassment.
When the case came up in court, the judge asked the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"
The man replied, "Well, your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, she sat down under a sign that said, "The Doublemint Twins are Coming," so I smiled.
Then she moved & sat under a sign that said, "Try Logan's Liniment To Reduce Swelling," & I had to smile.
Then she moved again & sat under a sign for a deodorant ad that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick," & I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time & sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident,"........I just lost it."
 
While in his late teens, a young warrior was named King of his village. He proved to be an excellent King and on his 1st anniversary his subjects delivered a beautiful throne to his hut. On each subsequent anniversary they delivered another throne. It became over crowded in his hut so he started to put them in the attic. On the 30th anniversary here came another throne which he placed in the attic. As he sat on his original throne the ceiling fell in crushing him to death. The moral of the story is---- People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!...
 

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