The jokes only thread....

  1. My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
  2. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
  3. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
  4. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
  5. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
 

A Czechoslovakian and an American go into the woods to hunt. After three days of no word the police are called in. They find a torn-up camp and find two bears that look very well fed. After both bears are shot they are examined. The American is found in the female so the police take a quick guess that the Chek is in the male….
 

  1. What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? Go straight for the juggler.
  2. Why don't koalas count as bears? They don't have the right koalafications.
  3. A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
 
Not so much jokes but fun...: In California you can’t legally buy a mousetrap without having what?
Answer: A hunting license

Trivia Question: It is illegal to do what in the French vineyards?
Answer: Land a flying saucer

Trivia Question: Coprastastaphobia is the fear of what?
Answer: Constipation

Trivia Question: In Texas it’s illegal to swear in front of what?
Answer: A corpse

Trivia Question: In Georgia, it’s illegal to eat what with a fork?
Answer: Fried chicken

Trivia Question: The first hockey pucks used in early outdoor hockey games were made of what?
Answer: Frozen cow dung

Trivia Question: In Minnesota it is illegal to tease what type of animal?
Answer: Skunks
 
He was a zoologist by trade, studying animals. He was tracking down the details about a species of Dolphins that was reported to live forever. After researching them all over the world, he finally found one source of data on them. It was an elderly man, a coal miner by trade who lived in Germany and had seen them when he served in the German Navy in the Pacific.



There was a small island in the south Pacific, the only place they were known to exist. The Dolphins lived in a small salt water lake in the middle of the island. The people there wanted no contact with outsiders, so they built a wall around the island to keep themselves isolated. They had only one gate, opened only for fishing boats. The miner had seen the island from his wartime ship, where he observed the gate. During the day, the entrance was secured by armed guards, and at night they had two lions chained at the gates. The only way in was to wait until the lions slept at night, then they could quietly sneak past them.



So they waited until late at night. Slowly and carefully they tiptoed in without making a sound. Everything went well until the very last man in the party dropped a flashlight right in front of one of the lions. The lions awoke roaring, spotlights came on and the place was flooded by guards. The Captain of the guard announced, ”You’re all under arrest.”



The leader of the expedition asked him, “What are the charges?”



The Captain said, “Crossing state lions — with a miner — for immortal porpoises”...
 
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs to learn about thoroughbred horses and their care.



When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.



Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.



As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."



"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."
 
I don't usually pass on news like this. I know how busy you all are but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about...so pass on this sad, sad news. . . There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and.. .well, you know the rest
 
A Navy Admiral was being court-martialed for an incident where he was found to be playfully chasing his girlfriend through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything.

One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform".

The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read:

"A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

The Admiral was acquitted, no charges!
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The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it.
Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
 
A man took his 5-year-old son to a horse auction with him.
The kid watched with interest as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up & down the horse's legs and rump and chest.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Before I buy horses, I have to make sure they are healthy and in good shape."
The kid, looking worried, said: "Dad......I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
 
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please”.



Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.



He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.



As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.



After a while he stands on his back paws to push the stop button, then the butcher follows him off.



The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing at the dog.



The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”



The owner responds: “Genius… no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
 
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a
long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says,

“Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe
that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera,
had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I
ate in all the best restaurants of France.”

The new man asked, “What happened?”

“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”
**************************************************************



A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly
and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can
of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the
hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the
comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

******************************************************************
 
Two old men are sitting on a park bench. One says, "So how's your wife?"

The other man replies, "I think she's dead."

"You THINK she's dead?"

"Well, the sex is about the same but the dishes are piling up."
********************************************************************************************

Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.
"We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.


"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

*****************************************************************
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
 

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